6 Silent Soul Destroyers
The use of and imposition of silence are two of the most powerful weapons in our abusive arsenal. Silence is easy to deploy and horrendously effective in securing our aims of compliance, control and fuel.
1. My silence is always meaningful
You may sit quietly because you have no need to say anything. You may remain silent because you are listening to somebody else or just enjoying the silence. We do not allow silence to be used in such a passive and redundant fashion. Our silence is used to convey contempt. It is used to draw concern and cause anguish in you. When we fall silent that pregnant pause is an indicator of the fury which will be unleashed against you. The longer silence is the imposition of our cold fury as you are banished to a sustained silent treatment. When we sit in silence we are not savouring the lack of noise, we are thinking, planning and plotting, calculating our next step. Our silences are weapons, they are our operations headquarters, our defence against your critical wounding of us. We use silence to hurt you, warn you, scold you and indicate you have overstepped the mark. Every silence has a meaning, it would be remiss of us to use it any other way.
2. Absence makes the silence longer
The deployment of an absent silent treatment where we remove ourselves from you, invariably with no warning or indication is a confirmation to you that this silent treatment will not be short-lived. The need to absent ourselves sends you a clear signal that we will be gone for some time. It is designed to have you come after us, try to contact us and beg and plead so that you fuel us. When we impose a period of absence by vanishing we are reinforcing how easily we are able to consider you gone from our lives. You may not even be able to contact us but we gather fuel from our knowledge that this sudden disappearance will cause you considerable consternation and worry. The absent silent treatment is also a key indicator that we are engaged in the seduction of a new prospect and providing this person with our false love and attention, which we have removed from you.
3. The silent gesture
Our silences are not just occasioned by us not talking to you or absenting ourselves for a period of time. We deploy silence through gestures. We may not turn up when we have agreed to a date with you, in order to reinforce how you mean so little to us and that we have any number of more pressing engagements to attend to than dine with you in a restaurant. Leaving you alone in bed, our side of the bed now empty and cold is also a hammer blow to your confidence and self esteem as we choose the spare room, the sofa or the bed of another in preference to being with you during the night. The silent telephone call from a withheld number, used when we are hoovering you, is designed to put you on edge. Is it us calling you this late? It must be mustn’t it, but you cannot be sure? The failure to buy you a gift on your birthday, creating a gap which ought to have been filled stands out considerably and allows us to apply maximum hurt through such a silent gesture.
4. The silent presence
By giving you the cold shoulder when everyone else is met warmly and enthusiastically, we cause you to feel completely alone even when you are surrounded by others. You try to carry on as if nothing has happened but you know that people will be wondering why we are not speaking to you. You feel the flush of embarrassment as once again you try to speak to us and you receive only a glare and then we sweep away. You want to challenge us but as ever it is you that will be criticised for creating a scene. You want to upbraid us for our childish sulking but you have learned that the consequences of doing so are not worth suffering. We of course know all this and we know how powerful our freezing you out in the company of others really is.
5. Suffer in silence
You are never to speak of what goes on between you and I to anyone else. Should you ever do so you are committing an act of heinous betrayal and your punishment for such a transgression will be malicious and fierce. You are not to betray me and speak of what you are subjected to. You are to endure it so that you become a better person, one who is compliant and obedient. Do you understand? I also know that you fear the repercussions of speaking out and this enforces my curfew. I also know that you feel compelled to remain loyal because of the golden period and how you feel duty bound to remain and try to resolve matters, work this difficult period through and fix what has become somehow broken. Your indefatigable spirit teeters on the brink of misplaced pride at not telling tales and instead knuckling down, irrespective of what is thrown at you, in order to bring about a resolution to our problems. You cannot succeed but you do not know that yet. For now you must suffer in silence.
6. I speak, you stay silent
Never interrupt me, never talk over me, never steal my thunder. When I speak everybody listens because what I have to say is brilliant, great and of tremendous import. You would do well to listen to improve yourself, please me and avoid angering me. You are my sounding board, Horatio to my Hamlet, a listener and in my presence you only speak when it is required to honour my achievements and laud my greatness. You are to be seen but only heard when I deem it necessary. Who wants to listen to what you have to say anyway? You only get invited to events because of me. They are only friends with you because they are friends of mine. Nobody is interested in you. Nobody. So stay quiet and listen.
9 thoughts on “6 Silent Soul Destroyers”
Dearest HG. I am currently employing the silent treatment to the mid ranger at my job. I have tried to keep a pleasant demeanor, but seem to be mentally preoccupied. I have also been creating subtle (I thought) spatial distance. However, other people at the job are unwittingly sabotaging me, by saying aloud such things as, why are you sitting there, or standing over there, etc. It is incredible that other people are so focused on the minutiae of my physical presence. I will preserver until they finally shut up, but my dis-engagement, that I wanted to do stealthily has a loud start, do to unexpected instigators. I did not know that I was a chess piece in the life of other people on the job, some I barely even recognize. I was not prepared for this. In short, I think he knows I am disengaging at this point. Others have exposed my hand, unfortunately.
I stopped suffering in silence #5. I confided in my adult daughter who was living with us at the time. Narc realized what I was doing and began a vicious campaign against my girl.
This was the proverbial straw. I couldn’t, wouldn’t take it anymore. I left soon after.
All I can think of now is why the narc continued to self sabotage. I gave plenty of warnings and I’m sure he considered them acts of forgiveness by me. The fuel had run dry. He was forever playing the victim. It was too late.
What if I am indifferent to your silence or speaking?
What if I don’t give a flying fig whether you are interested or angry?
What if I don’t play by your rules?
Do you think I am a sniveling simpleton who waits with baited breath on your every utterance and action?
What if I think your arrogance, your grandiosity, is shallow? Silly even.
Do you really think I wouldn’t recognize you?
This read had quite a profound effect on me. Not in an emotional sense- but it was a sober reminder of my life in past times.
Those silences were so horrific to endure. Full of cruelty and deliberate in intent.
Now, on the other side, the silence is golden!!
No contact is powerful. When you heal you get your own power back and the silence – and freedom from the entanglement- is where you find yourself.
I can’t believe I’m saying this – but I never want to hear from him again. And if by chance I do – I’ll be replying in silence.
I’ve come along way thanks to you HG. Might by another book though. It’s good to not become complacent- and I think I’ll buy ‘exorcism’.. to ensure I have!!!!
Good to know.
I’m presently receiving a ST.
I committed # 5 – on behalf of his IPPS
Because on VDAY, his woman asked him if he took me away recently (he did)
She went thru his phone (found a coded , albeit friendly message from me – but under a false number he gave me )
Lord knows what happened next. Well I can pretty much guess.
And then SHE ended up apologizing for being jealous.
All of a sudden any remaining cognitive dissonance left me. I became enraged internally on behalf of all us women in all positions of the matrix.
told him that’s a fuckshow, and pointed out how hypocritical and fucked up it was that she knows in her gut, confronted him, he lies- and she ends up apologizing.
Guess he didn’t like that LMAO he didn’t even stext our usual goodbye
Ouch eh? little wounding there maybe HG?
Ugh. It’s really all so true isn’t it- not only do they cheat and lie about it- they make you feel so guilty and insane for knowing what your gut is saying.
I’ll take my corrective ST LOL
DB Take it and us it to GOSO! 😉
Ac! Use it to go GOSO!🤪
Dembunny, She apologized because if she didn’t she’d be the one getting the ST