The Sense of Loss


People always struggle with loss. It might be at the top of the scale where you have suffered a bereavement and lost a well-loved family member. It could be the loss of your home where you have lived for twenty years, owing to damage or repossession. It may be the loss of your job, a loss of good health all the way down to something far less important but a loss never the same, of your favourite restaurant when it closes or your daily caffeine injection from a coffee shop because you are economising. Take something away from someone and they will experience sadness, frustration, upset, anger and sometimes confusion. Since people are governed by emotions rather than cool, hard logic, the loss of something often has a devastating and traumatic effect, especially in respect of major losses such as a spouse or partner. Once upon  a time your parents seemed as if they would live forever. They were always there. They raised you, guided you and supported you. They let you find your own way through life but if ever you needed them they were always there to listen and help and then one day you find they have gone and you are left with a huge black hole in your life. Your best friend who you have known for over twenty-five years was a huge part of your life. You spoke daily, laughed about your younger selves and the scrapes you got into, supported one another and cruised through life like the dynamic duo until they have gone and you feel a massive void since their departure to the next life or another continent, dependent on the circumstances. Remove something from a person’s life and they are left with hurt, despondency and despair. This is all the more so when it is something or someone wonderful and delightful. Then the emptiness becomes a howling wilderness.

Of course we are fully aware of how loss affects people from our repeated study of people. We also know that being able to gift someone something wonderful and then remove it, is a sign of considerable power. A power that can be wielded with considerable effects. The power of withdrawal,even if just threatened, can bring about an extreme reaction in the subject. This is something we are fully aware of and something which we take advantage of.

We gave you everything in the beginning. We provided you with a love beyond compare, a dizzying array of compliments, a barrage of desire and a tsunami of flattery. We raised you up, higher and higher and sprayed you with affection, passion and generosity. The light was bright, warm and golden and we let it shine every day just for you. We allowed you to bask in this golden period of utter ecstasy and in return you gave us everything that you had in pursuit of the maintenance of this golden period. Without warning we withdrew it. The door was closed and the shutters lowered and once where you had walked happily and freely you too found yourself transported to the howling wilderness where you stood alone beneath grey, leaden skies as a cold and unforgiving wind whipped around you. It felt like someone had died.

Whereas once we uttered such sweet, sweet words to you, there is now only silence. The reassuring embrace of our arms and lips has somehow vanished and you feel stripped and vulnerable. All of the places we took you to and shared seem so distant and you begin to wonder whether they really happened. Alone and distraught,you wander this wilderness searching for us. Occasionally you catch a glimpse of us but in an instant we have disappeared as you stumble along. The kindness has been removed. The long nights of sexual congress which went beyond anything you have experienced before has been taken away, leaving your bed a cold,hard slab where rest is to be endured rather than enjoyed. If we even grace you with our presence in that place where we once coupled each and every night, a writhing mass of limbs and mouths that explored and pleasured, all you know now is our back which is defiantly presented to you each night. That’s if we even come to bed at all. The spare room or the sofa seem to attract us more than you these days.

We know that taking away this passion, desire, interest, largesse and kindness is like a hammer blow. It is as if we have died but yet you can still see us, touch us and hear us which makes the sense of loss even greater and all the more confusing. Like a pet-owner dangling a bone in front of a salivating puppy, we occasionally open the shutters and allow the golden period to return and the joy and the relief which washes over you at the restoration of his oh most glorious time is electrifying and so is the extent of your gratitude and delight. Yet it is ephemeral. It is like a wonderful dream that has transported you away from all the hurt and misery, but just like a dream when you open your eyes in the morning, it has gone.

The power that comes with withdrawal and your predictable reaction to it, mean that it is a method of manipulation that cannot be ignored. To bestow and then deny has you caught in the strings of our puppetry as we jerk you back and forth between granting those things that you desire the most and then taking them away from you. Your reactions and the control this grants us means that it is so simple yet so effective and something we can never withdraw from doing.

6 thoughts on “The Sense of Loss

  1. Bekah B says:

    I know that all narcissists experience in a sense of loss is a loss of fuel.. And sometimes, I feel good about that, every time I deprive him of fuel.. My fuel used to come so easily to him–I would answer all of his phone calls; I would answer all of his text messages; He could/would come over just about any time he wanted to; Every time we talked, we would talk about whatever he wanted to talk about; I would lift him up in adoration and encouragement–I was just there.. Now, there are dozens of missed calls from his number in my phone.. He sends me messages late at night I deliberately choose to never respond to.. I am neutral in my tone and words (when I do decide to answer the phone), and most recently, he made a request of me that I made seem like I would fulfill initially, but ultimately rejected, so now he has to go elsewhere to get it done.. I want him to experience the loss of my fuel.. The good, ol’ reliable fuel source he thought he’d always have..

  2. Butterfly says:

    It’s that way just to an extent. When you find out the kind of game you are playing (thanks to HG Tudor, for example…) you gain a new perspective and the manipulations just don’t work anymore..

    1. Joanne says:

      Exactly. He may have had that power for a couple of days after he changed, when I gave him the satisfaction of asking him what was wrong/what went wrong. But after that, I turned the fuel nozzle off entirely. I’d be damned if I was going to chase his sorry ass. Even though it took me still a few more days to put the narc pieces together, I was NOT going to give him that power. Go manipulate someone else.

  3. princesssuperempath says:

    Dearest HG, When I first moved to NYC many years ago, I was on my own. No friends here or relatives. My parents did not want me to move here. I had finished military service, took a 2 week vacation here, but it turned permanent. So, I was totally responsible for my own functioning, and could not risk my job over an emotionally debilitating loss. I noticed that guys were so romantic for a few dates, and for a shortish time, and then the pressure was on. So, I dumped them immediately at that point of pressure. I did not feel bad. I felt that there were plenty of women in a big city for them to rush. I did not feel their attentions were honorable towards me, so I had no regret to tell them, we are not a match. My friends laughed about this, and so did I. What fun! No drama. After I became more settled, I allowed myself to become more emotional. I could take sick days, or even a week or so off, over a broken heart or whatever. Now, I wonder, if all the broken heartedness and loss I have endured was ever worth it. I am single now, and once I get over the mid ranger, I am sure I will be happily single in my heart and in reality.

  4. DEMBunny says:

    And this is unfailingly the case with the IPPS in devaluation unless it’s a stepford devaluation – which would only likely happen with a Greater, yes?
    (Other than respite periods?)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Stepford Devaluations can occur with Mid Range and Greater – more likely with Greater.

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