You Should
What is the prevailing mind-set of the Mid Range Narcissist? What is going through the mind of the member of the largest school of narcissism when an appliance has been treacherous and disloyal? Does he manifest the malice that is exhibited by the Greater school or is his response different? What is he thinking when there is treason committed in the Kingdom of Mid-Range? Whether the appliance has escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Mid-Ranger’s mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he or she believes.
You should not have done that to me. You should be thankful for who I am. You should be giving thanks to whichever god you follow that you have someone like me in your life, someone who cares, someone who is considerate, someone who only wants the best for you. You should be ashamed of the way you have treated me. You should apologise this instant. You should say sorry to me for the way you have behaved. You should treat others the way you want to be treated and not going around behaving like you are something special. You should realise I am something special and you keep treating me terribly. You should understand that I am a good, honest and decent person and not everybody would put up with your hysterical outbursts. You should know how hard it is to love somebody like you, but I do. You should be grateful for that.
You should know who you are messing with. You should be wary of getting on the wrong side of me you know. You should make sure you keep me happy because you will not like me when I am not happy. You should be looking out for me and not gadding around after other people. You should learn what your priorities are. You should spend more time with me. You should know when to leave me alone. You should be here and doing what I want. You should try giving for once rather than doing all of this taking.
You should be more aware of the way that you treat people and especially me. You should think more about how your actions impact on me. You should take my feelings into account and stop being so selfish. You should realise just what you do hurts me. You should understand that the things you say and do to me have consequences. You should stop making it all about you and let me have a say from time to time. You should stop being so obsessed with your friends’ lives and think about our lives together. You should spend less time with your family, they do not appreciate you in the way I do.
You should stop telling lies about me. You should get your own house in order before you start telling me how I should lead my life. You shouldn’t live in a glass house you know and throw stones. You should stop being such a nasty person to someone who has only ever been good to you. You should stop smearing my name to other people. You should take a look in the mirror. You should take a good look in the mirror actually.
You should stop putting me down. You should do what I want for a change. You should come back and apologise, I am a reasonable person and you should recognise that. You should make things right again because after all this is all your fault. You should stop fighting with me, I do not know why you have to do this. You should stop trying to tie me in knots. You should be more considerate. You should think about me more. You should sort this mess out because you are the only one who has caused it.
You should see how hard I have been trying for us. You should recognise a good person when you see one. You should know I have made the changes you demanded but you should be making some of your own as well. You should realise just how much I have tried for you and me.
You should know what other people say about you. You should realise that I put up with people saying bad things about you and you should be grateful I defend you to them, but I won’t keep doing it forever. You should realise you are not as popular as you think you are. You should be aware that I am a popular person and you won’t come out of this looking good at all.
You shouldn’t treat me like this. You shouldn’t destroy what I have built. You should recognise a good person, an honest person, a truthful person like me. You should learn just what you have lost by behaving like this. You should see just how many people hold me in high regard. You should be so happy to have someone like me, someone who people think well of and they do, just ask anybody and they will tell you. You should take the time to realise that I am a good person and consider what you are doing to me, to us, to what we have.
You should stop hurting me. You should stop getting a kick out of this horrible treatment of me. You should stop being mean to someone who loves you. You should help me. You should love me more. You should show me that you mean it. You should stop with the pretence. You should be genuine like me. You should stop playing the games. You should be the person that would make your grandmother proud. You should be the best person you can be for me.
You should get some help. You should see someone. You should go to therapy. You should sort these problems out. You should stop blaming me. You should stop projecting your problems and insecurities on to me. You should stop the game-playing, I am cleverer than you so I see straight through it. You should tell the truth for once You should stop making up stories about me. You should reflect on what you do. You should get some insight into what you are actually doing. You should shut up and listen to me for once. You should go and see the doctor. You should take your medication. You should stop being such a borderline. You should stop being such an attention-seeker. You should stop dodging the issue. You should address your issues.
You should let me speak. You should give me a chance to make things right again. You should come back because you owe me. You should let me show you what I can do. You should understand sometimes I don’t know what comes over me. You should make allowances for my behaviour because you are worse. You should not focus on the handful of supposedly bad things I do when I do way more good things. You should listen to why I do those things because if you did you would realise there is always a very good reason behind it. You should understand I have to disappear once in a while because your behaviour becomes too much. You should understand I am not sulking, I am just being quiet. You should accept I have to tell people about the way you behave because otherwise I would go mental. You should think about the names I call you and realise I am actually trying to help you because otherwise you will not listen. You should stop trying to blame me for everything that goes wrong and instead be grateful for what I do for you.
You should give it a rest now because you are giving me a headache. You should go and let me rest because I have been working hard all day. You should rub my back. You should make me something to eat. You should be there when I come home. You should stay out of my way when I am fed up of you. You should ask me how I am and not keep telling me about what you want. You should stop telling me how I should behave. You should see what I have to deal with. You should try being me. You should understand how much pain I am in from my back and not complain about your own supposed ailments. You should show some consideration for me now and again. You should get off your high horse. You should give it a rest. You should try walking in my shoes. You should try being me for a day. You should look at it from my point of view. You should make allowances. You should be more tolerant.
You should do it because you want to. You should do it for us. You should have more faith. You should have more discipline. You should have more resolve. You should let me in. You should keep out. You should learn when to speak. You should learn when to stay quiet. You should be seen and not heard. You should follow me. You should watch what I do . You should learn from an expert. You should stick with me. You should be mine. You should stay away from him. You should not speak to them. You should know what is best for you. You should know home is where the heart is. You should know where you bread is buttered. You should know how lucky you are to have me.
You should come back.
You should because I say so.
You just should.
47 thoughts on “You Should”
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Hg , is your mother a midrange narc.?
Do you have male friends that are MMR. …do they whine and complain about their wives and they think they deserve better ?
Yes.
I know of two.
I can’t even deal with how incredibly accurate this post is. “You should” is the perfect title too. Well done!
Thank you.
Having knowledge about the different behaviours and attitudes used by Lessers, Mid-Rangers and Greater narcissists makes me think about the effects on victims of each school’s style of manipulativeness.
I don’t really care about the narcissists. Whether Lessers are more instinctive, while Mid-Rangers are cowardly, and Greaters are pre-meditated etc etc doesn’t make me think any one school is somehow better than another. They are all toxic and all harmful in their own way.
It’s interesting to me to think about the kinds of trauma each school inflicts on victims and how these would affect the victims in distinctive ways.
I think Lessers, with their tendency to lash out violently or physically in an aggressive manner and be verbally abusive in a more reactive way would leave the victims more consciously fearful of the instinctive aggression, volatile rage and more obvious abuse.
Mid-rangers are more psychologically draining and emotionally frustrating. Their ‘victim’ mentality and pity plays, along with silent treatments, guilt-trips, passive-aggressiveness, circular arguments etc, are less aggressive and more covertly manipulative than Lessers. I think this creates less of a conscious fear in the victim and is more difficult to see for what it is. I think the fact that mid-rangers think they’re ‘good’ people and that they’re not doing anything wrong makes the victim less aware of how toxic they really are and therefore more willing to stay in the relationship for a longer time hoping things will improve.
Greaters are more pre-meditated and use planning to greater effect. They are above pity plays and do not see themselves as victims. They are more likely to use their intelligence, wealth, or other talents to seduce the victim, gain their trust and assert their power and superiority. I think they tend to sweep the victim off their feet in a more seductively enticing way that would be difficult to recover from psychologically. Being more pre-meditated with a determined need to ‘win’, I think a Greater’s victim would be more enmeshed before they realised how toxic the Greater actually was.
Overall though, they are all toxic snakes, but each one’s particular poison affects the victim in different ways.
WiserNow
Agree. Different poison same result. I just think it’s important to be able to properly identify the different types of snake to determine most likely behaviour of each and to be able to evade, or extract yourself with the least amount of injury.
I think that’s important too NarcAngel. The more I read and learn, the easier it is to recognise the behaviours. Knowledge is power, and it’s a relief to be able to avoid their ‘poison’.
It’s funny, I was thinking the other day that knowledge is power, but also to some extent, it occurred to me that ignorance is bliss as well. It’s not total bliss, because being manipulated and controlled when you aren’t aware is terrible, however, when ignorant, you can be yourself wholeheartedly. You can believe there is good in people and take some comfort in that. You can feel that you have a caring and genuine family and you can have hope that things can change for the better. I know this is wishful thinking and idealistic, but it feels better than knowing that snakes are around us, wishing us harm.
You should lose weight, you should change your current diet, you should not have a personal trainer to improve your swimming skills, you should get rid of this old sofa, you should clear your house of books, you should know the type of beaches I prefer, you should know how to share your location via WhatsApp, you should learn how to bake A, B and C cakes, you should buy an iwatch, you should get a new car, you should learn how to use this software, you should use these apps, you should not give that many explanations, you should know how to find good a restaurant wherever we go…, and so on and so forth….
I can hear him in your words! This “you should” is a constant attack to our self esteem and confidence. We never know if we are doing right… You nailed it, HG!!! Thanks
This is Kate, first time around in your blog 🙂
Welcome to the blog, Kate.
**kicks the wall out of frustration**
How do you always know this up to the exact wording, HG?!
Ah, those horrible mid range ways had confused me so much, while so predictable.
“You shouldn’t treat me like this. You shouldn’t destroy what I have built. You should recognise a good person, an honest person, a truthful person like me. You should learn just what you have lost by behaving like this.”
HG, when I have left, like … his apartment, the country, … and he said good-bye with kisses and “let me know when you have safely arrived”, etc. … but before that said “you have destroyed everything, this is it” as well as the above … — would you expect that his current silence is a silent treatment or a good-bye?! (Just wondering what to expect).
Preque Vu ? You think you are a narc ? Do you have empathy ?
Excellent article!!
This is why I’m a mid ranger!!
I have said so many you shoulds!
When I wanted it to stop, I was screaming them at him, you should .. turned into begging for realisation and change. It never came and was never overcome. Even now, I remember the frustration and the tears. Then the anger because no matter what I did I could not fix it. You should, you should, you should. .. then finally.. you should just fuck off because I’ve had enough. He was 100% adamant I was the narcissist, he’s probably right, I honestly think I am because pushed to my limit I will go bat shit crazy and disengage completely. Though my emotions are still there 17 months later. I wish his voiced opinion of me I could shake, it lingers, that’s everpresence and I wish it would go away.
Marvellous writing as always HG, thank you.
No, you’re not.
Presque You my dear are empath! 😘 You should consult with HG. He will instruct you on how to get rid of those voices.
Presque Vu, HG said that if we are questioning whether we are narcissists then it means we aren’t. And also the fact that you are questioning your ‘you shoulds’ means you are not a narcissist because it means you don’t have enough entitlement to be a narcissist.
Molly,foolme1time, mommypino and HG.. it’s a case of being told over and over I am…. it’s the last thing for me to shake off. Thank you for further explanations, it’s appreciated x
HG , Have you had your limbic system measured / or graphed for damage by a brain scan ? Teehee .. I hear it’s not fully there or small in sociopaths or psychopaths ?
No.
HG, Please delete former attempts to comment here to Mollyb5. My iPad malfunctioned and they kept sending unfinished or disappearing.
Mollyb5, I believe you are referring to the research on fMRI brain scans. However, the research does not indicate damage or reduced size, but differing levels and patterns of brain activity. You may like this article as a base-line: http://www.imedpub.com/articles/the-cognitive-neuroscience-of-narcissism.php?aid=22149
One study that may give a bit of insight to “The Creature” dynamic is this: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28724894
In this study, highly narcissistic men viewing their own face activated greater dorsal and ventral anterior cingulate cortex. The researchers explain the results suggest highly narcissistic men experience greater negative affect or emotional conflict during self-relevant processing and point to vulnerable aspects of subclinical narcissism that might not be apparent in self-report research.
In other words, one might think a narc looking at themselves is a positive experience. But instead it creates negative affect. Yet they compensate by using self-aggrandizing responses in self report. My assumption: they see The Creature (negative affect of self) and cope by using narcissistic adaptation. Pretty much affirms HG’s works without a scan!
Exactly !
The fact that mids are the largest school of narcs is gross… lol
That was so draining. But so accurate 😑
HG, in our consultation a while back you recognized me as a super Empath. I’ve said a lot of these “you shoulds” mostly with my ex MMRN.
Do many super empaths use “you shoulds”? What if I turn into something resembling a MRN when I’m in super nova mode?
Sometimes I really wonder where the line is between the behaviors lining up at times with what I read on here and true disorder.
You will have said them as a response to being manipulated, as opposed to saying them as PART of the manipulation. Yes, SEs may well, as part of their response to the treatment they are receiving, respond with ‘you shoulds’.
Hg …so right you are You “should” be a personal trainer , therapist for empaths survival .
I see what you did there. I am not a therapist but I am the one who will not only enable you to survive but recover.
You are definitely the one, HG!
I truly believe no therapist can be as effective as you in putting us on the path that leads us far, far away from the narc…and in putting us there so quickly.
HG,
Thank you for clarifying. I start to see a similar thread in my behavior when I read certain things and it bothers me. There’s a side of me that came out with him that I never want to see again.
Dear Mr Tudor,
I keep telling my “aging” friends they “should” get a walking stick, walking frame, non slip mats for the bathroom, hand rails, call direct for emergency, meals on wheels, whiteboards for reminders !!!!
Am I turning narc ? 😰😱
Great piece Mr Tudor
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
You Bubbles a narc?! Not in this life time!! 😘😘
Dear foolme1time,
Ohhhh thank you gorgeous one. …..you’re too kind
I’ve just now read a brief article about “the numbing effect” after trauma abuse (I think that’s why we confuse it with feeling narcy)
Has anyone else more info on this, as it’s most interesting….. Mr Tudor?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Addressed to any mid:
You should know that you’re a dullard. Unpossessing of even the sometimes amusing unpredictability or raw primal passion of the Lesser of your brethren, and definitely bereft of the intelligence, presence, and control that can at the very least can be admired of the Greater of your kind. You should know that you are but a faux fur beige blanket that we wrap ourselves in while we search the horizon for someone who can actually raise our pulse. You should know that you are a massive yawn. But sadly – you are so pathetic that you don’t.
So true …well put . They think their dicks are golden ! Pathetic men .
NA I have never thought of it in this way! Perhaps that is one of the reasons I’d let them go or even plant the seed so they would go?
Haha, NarcAngel!
I hadn’t even really recognized the pathetic silent treatments of my current ex-live-in-narc, because the ex-narc never did that … But it was cute to watch his growing uneasiness when I ignored him while present in the same room. ;P
That, HG, was utterly brilliant.
True and thank you.
Your posts today have answered my last few remaining questions (of course I will still be a keen reader of yours!) and have added to the arsenal you have helped me build in preparation for the (likely) inevitable hoover attempt. I am not quite at a point where I could declare I am immune entirely thanks in large part to accidental emotional thinking patterns and the near constant onslaught of everpresence. But I am certainly much further than I ever was before stumbling upon your blog last summer. Thankyou, H.G.
You just gotta NOT go/see/sext however much you truly desire to until it becomes a habit NOT to engage.
Know that you want to, expect that you won’t. And don’t.
I guess if you care what your N. thinks (why?) know he will be disappointed you didn’t show up/cave in.
Sometimes depending on what type of empath you are? That is easier said then done!
“Never let anyone ‘should’ on you!”
Don’t know who originally said this but I like it.
Oh my goodness, really?
Unfortunately this is so spot on HG. This is my ex inside and out! So happy to finally have him out of my life!
HG, all of this is so accurate. How do they not know what they are? The manipulations and tactics used to get their way seem too cunning and premeditated.
An empath could have said all of this too but there would be no ulterior motive or desire to manipulate.
The narcissism cannot let them know what they are so it, as a self-defence mechanism remains effective. Very few people manipulate in a considered and calculated way – some try and cannot do it. Most manipulators do it instinctively – a small percentage do it both instinctively and with planning. It seems planned to victims because they are judging the behaviour from their own perspective, failing to appreciate the narcissist views the world in a different way to them.
Thank you, that makes sense. Even though we have different perspectives, narcissists, at least the ones I’ve encountered, seem clever enough to gauge our response to their treatment.
That is the most frightening part for me, I suppose. Further, that we really can’t control or predict their actions. It’s not really a level playing ground.
Exactly and for you to recognise that you cannot always control or predict our actions AND accept that is a mark of progress and the application of logic over emotional thinking.