Something That Rings True

something

 

One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?

  1. You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
  2. It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
  3. The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
  4. It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.

Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.

Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.

“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”

“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”

“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”

“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”

The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.

Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.

Take for instance: –

“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”

“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”

More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.

“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”

“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”

Again, that is entirely conceivable.

“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”

“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”

Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.

We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.

Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.

“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”

(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)

“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”

(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)

“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”

(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)

“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”

(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)

“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”

(His family told me has been hurt before.)

“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”

(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)

“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”

(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)

“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”

(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)

Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.

How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?

The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.

Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.

You.

25 thoughts on “Something That Rings True

  1. Leslie says:

    EB, thank you for your thoughts and comments. I agree with you.

    I exist in a supremely narcissistic cultural system. I don’t have a realistic possibility of exit from this. I’m viewed as a piece of escaped property and dragged back if I manage to get away from my abusers. My children are punished for my behaviour, adding to the pressure even from them for me to conform to accepting torment.

    I speak here because I want a tiny space where I can reject narcissistic propaganda to the narcissist, where I can safely stand up for myself.

    I highly value what HG has to say from the perspective of information. As a result, I have learned how to internally separate myself from my abusers. I have had the reality of my experience acknowledged, and by a perpetrator, for the first time in my life. I have been transformed in many vital ways as a direct outcome of what HG shares.

  2. kel says:

    Oh wow! Not sure where the Chris Watts discussion is on here, but apparently he has confessed to how he killed his pregnant wife and daughters. He strangled his wife at home after they had an argument where he told her it was over with them and she said he would never see the children. He threw a blanket over her, told the girls mommy was sick, and drove them all to the plant. He put his wife’s body in a shallow dirt grave by a truck. Went back to the car and smothered the baby with her own blankey and put her body in the oil tank. His 4 year old daughter pleaded with him not to do to her what he’d just done to her sister, before he killed her too. They said it’s eerie talking to him because he’s upbeat, happy to hear from you, talks like he’s your neighbor or something. What part of his narcissism isn’t insane or evil?

    1. K says:

      kel
      That was absolutely heartbreaking to read. How fucking sad. Those poor kids and the mom. Horrific!

      https://narcsite.com/2018/09/07/a-very-murderous-narcissist-analysis/

    2. mommypino says:

      Kel, I have read that too. It was absolutely horrific. Honestly no word is enough to describe it. He is pure evil. HG said that he is a Lesser and a Psychopath. I think that what made him deadly is the combination of both Psychopathic tendencies and the low cognitive ability and lack of fury control of a Lesser. For example, HG is also a Psychopath but he is a Greater and therefore would have no desire to such barbaric thing. He doesn’t even hurt animals. Another famous psychopath is James Fallon who is a scientist who accidentally discovered that he is a psychopath. The revelation explained to him why he behaved differently than everybody and had no empathy but his high cognitive ability made him into a high functioning psychopath scientist who has never and has no desire to commit a crime or hurt anyone.

      1. kathy0720 says:

        I’ll have to read about James Fallon. Maybe HG will watch my dogs on my scheduled vacations this year?

        1. mommypino says:

          Haha Kathy, unfortunately HG doesn’t like animals either. But he wouldn’t hurt them. 😊

          https://narcsite.com/2019/01/20/wounded-creature-3/

          1. kathy0720 says:

            Lol—I know!

        2. mommypino says:

          Kathy, James Fallon is an interesting case too. He is a psychopath but not a narcissist. Instead he has OCD. It was funny how he found out that he’s a psychopath too. Here’s a link to his story. 😊

          https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-neuroscientist-who-discovered-he-was-a-psychopath-180947814/

          1. kathy0720 says:

            Very interesting.

          2. kel says:

            Mommypino,

            That was an interesting article on James Fallon. I wonder if they ran a brain scan of an empath (not a normal), if that frontal area would be extra filled in. We go to the other extreme and have more empathy than might be healthy.

            I agree that I believe a narcissist is born, but that it can be curbed by the way they are raised. Fallon pretty much admits to being narcissistic in being motivated by manipulating and competitiveness.

            But lessers have the mind of a child in that they aren’t able to judge things, and they act on impulse. A wild animal kills for survival, a psychopath kills out of a childish rage, or to get what they want. What might stop others is the consequences of it.

    3. kel says:

      He has confessed more now about his thought process and it’s such an interesting study of his narcissism. He said he’s tried to remember- if he knew he was going to do it. He said he didn’t want to but that when he woke up that morning it felt like it was already implanted in his mind that it was going to happen. I would think that’s his narcissism not allowing him to take the blame for it? He said his wife never fought back while he was strangling her, and that possibly she was praying in her head- but get this- he thinks maybe she was praying, Forgive him for he knows not what he does. She would more likely be praying for her children, but his narcissism has to make it about him.

      1. mommypino says:

        Kel, I agree with your insight. It is interesting like you said about him making everything or interpreting everything to be about him. Although I would put little stock as to the details like that coming from him because they also tend to rewrite history a lot. I think that you are right, the last thoughts in a mother’s mind as her life is in danger would definitely be about her kids’ safety. I find it hard to believe that she didn’t fight back because she would most likely fight back to make sure that she can prevent her kids from being harmed. It is also possible that he got her in such a choke hold that she was just physically unable to fight and what he interpreted as praying was actually her figuring out how to get out of that situation and save her kids. He totally deserves death penalty in my opinion. There’s no sense for taxpayers to pay for his meals and care everyday. He will never have remorse no matter how long he sits in jail.

  3. E. B. says:

    “Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point…”

    IMO, this is the main reason why targets believe the narcissist and become ensnared so fast.
    Unless they are very young and unexperienced to believe in romance as portrayed in films and novels, targets will accept those lies because of their wounds from childhood – damaged self-worth by trauma or conditioning by caregivers.

    The narcissist’s success relies on exploiting those wounds we may be unaware of.
    I am not saying that targets are to blame for it. Nobody deserves to be abused. Being aware of our wounds makes us less susceptible to all kinds of abusers and manipulators (and not just full-blown narcissists) in chosen relationships.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      EB
      True. We are groomed by society from a very young age to find the holy grail in the one that will heal those wounds with ‘love’. We come to believe that salvation will come in something or someone other than ourselves. An external source. And that’s less scary than looking inward right?

      1. E. B. says:

        Hi NarcAngel,
        “We come to believe that salvation will come in something or someone other than ourselves.”
        Exactly. Dysfunctional caregivers either say their children are not worth anything or they make them feel that way. It is not possible to develop a healthy self-worth. As an adult, we wrongly believe we will find it outside ourselves.

        “An external source. And that’s less scary than looking inward right?”
        Yes, because by looking outwards only – and not inwards- we avoid taking our share of responsibility for staying in an abusive relationship. I do not mean at the very beginning since narcissists, especially MRNs, do not show their true face. Red flags begin to appear during the first months when the abuser starts to *test* his/her (potential) victim as if he/she were an appliance. Besides the love bombing, I have noticed sarcasm, ironic comments and remarks or subtle put downs to test the victim’s reaction. Also, creating jealousy or being late, among other things. This is not how a healthy romantic partner behaves.

    2. Joanne says:

      E.B.
      This is another thing I’ve learned throughout this journey — the presence of wounds which way may be unaware of. My siblings and I had a shaky upbringing, my being raised by a young single mom who was so desperate to be loved that she only ever attracted narcissists – until she married one when I was a teenager and proceeded to bear 2 children with him. Life with him was the furthest from normal. I never felt stunted by any of this – in fact I felt as if I learned from her mistakes. I’m in a healthy marriage now (“healthy” despite my infidelity 🙁 ). I don’t “feel” I have any unhealed traumas. But the closer I look at the types of people I attract (save for my husband), the more I see there must be something beneath the surface, some wound that I am not even aware of. My brother for instance, grew up and looks and feels great out on the outside, feels completely “normal” and well adjusted, but recent tragedies which have occurred in his life have led him to enter therapy. He is now learning there ARE unhealed wounds, despite him getting this far (age 30) seemingly so unaffected by his childhood/past.

      1. E. B. says:

        Hi Joanne,
        I believe that trauma from emotional neglect does not always come from a dysfunctional upbringing or narcissistic parenting. A loving single mother working full-time for financial reasons or a young, caring single mother who is criticized and told by an intrusive female narc family member/relative/neighbour how she should raise her children (‘let the baby cry, do not spoil him’) may emotionally neglect them unintentionally. These mothers do care about their children and are not aware of what they are doing to them.
        A narcissistic, self-centred, stay-at-home mother will emotionally neglect her children and does not care. For the narcissist, she comes first.

        1. Joanne says:

          EB
          Agreed. And I think that makes it even more difficult to find the “core wound”…

  4. Joanne says:

    Wow. This hits the nail right on the head. When he came out of nowhere with his “I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time,” “in school I always liked you but you didn’t give me the time of day.” The way he could proclaim these “feelings” for me and future fake the way he did, after not even physically seeing me for decades, just sounded so ridiculous and preposterous to me. I would laugh and roll my eyes, all the while enjoying this showering of affection. Until finally, I allowed myself to really believe it. It did seem impolite to press and prod on HOW THE HELL he could have these feelings for me. Especially in such a short time of being reconnected. So, I gave in to it because there WAS a ring of truth. All those commonalities must’ve been fate, just like he said. I let down my guard and let “love” in. Blowing past that field of red flags at light speed 😞

  5. Leslie says:

    Good job of blaming the victim of your complex trauma delivery who probably already had been traumatised or they wouldn’t be with you. Their boundaries and self protection mechanisms were not permitted to form or had been stripped away.

    Your terror of ever facing the creature and endlessly fueling its lies don’t constitute fault in your victims.

    It is never the victim’s fault that you choose to project your terror onto them.

    1. E. B. says:

      Hi Leslie,
      HG writes from his own perspective to help us understand how narcissists perceive relationships, how they think and what they do.
      Understanding and accepting the narcissist’s point of view (I am not saying that we must like it) will help us make the right decisions.
      Judgements based on half-truths, myths or false beliefs about narcissists and other abusers can be dangerous. There is still a lot of inaccurate information around.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Absolutely correct.

        1. kathy0720 says:

          So HG—was Ted a lesser? I have a sneaking suspicion his intelligence was overrated.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            No, he was not a Lesser.

          2. kathy0720 says:

            I’m surprised I never dated him then. He would have been on my radar. Missed opportunity I suppose. Darn.

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