Perchance To Sleep




When I am first with you, I like to sit and look at you as you sleep. I like to see you lying there content, your arm draped across me as if checking that I am still there next to you. Your eyes are closed and your face is in a relaxed repose as I feel your chest gently rising against me. You look content, safe and loved. I wonder what you are dreaming about as a small smile plays about your lips. I often believe that it is me. The wonderful, incessant and perfect love that I furnish for you throughout your waking hours must surely continue when you are asleep. It must bleed into your sleep, percolate into your dreams and such is its all-pervasive power it makes you feel loved even when you are asleep. It is during these moments that I consider how I can continue to give you this perfect love that you rightly deserve. I can see what a good and decent person that you are. I feel the admiring love that you pour over me and I know it is genuine, I can tell a fraud at a hundred paces and you are no such thing. It is entirely understandable that you flow with this love for me, who would not when faced with being the object of my perfect love? I look down at you, your delicate features framed in the low lamp light that I have kept on in the bedroom solely for this purpose. You seem so fragile and vulnerable as you lie there, unaware that I am watching over you. I want to protect you; I want to shield you from the darkness that is out there and keep you safe. You deserve nothing less because you give me such a wonderful love in return and I must protect you. I must ensure that my investment remains cherished and loved. It is during these moments as I sit and look at you that I know I must truly love you. How can I not when I feel such a sense of responsibility over your well-being. Look at you; still, perfect and oblivious. Who could not fail to love someone like you? Who could not fail to have such a care for your well-being? Who could ever cause that beautiful face to frown and crease in bewildered pain? Who could cause a solitary tear to trickle from your eyes and spill down those flawless cheeks? I cannot bear to think about you being hurt, feeling sad and in pain. I feel a deep-seated desire to look after you, to keep the darkness from your door and ensure that you are always only ever happy and loved. This sense of being your guardian is strong. I feel anger at the thought of anybody lashing out and wounding you, someone causing this perfect creature to feel anguish, pain and concern. I lay a hand on your shoulder and you shift slightly in your sleep acknowledging this gentle gesture of protection. You face nudges against me as if you know what I am thinking and you feel safe and wanted.

Yet for all these thoughts I know that this is purely the way I am expected to think about you. This is how I should act in order to maintain the façade of our relationship so that you continue to give me what I want. I sit and wrestle with these thoughts. Are they genuine? Are they what I truly feel about you yet I know I do not. I know that the apparent abhorrence that I manufacture at the thought of you being hurt is purely an artifice because it will be me that eventually causes your hurt. It will be me that will twist that beautiful smile into a gash of despair. It will be me that makes that light voice become wracked with anxiety and pain. It will be my words that wound and my actions that scar. For all the tenderness that I apparently exhibit as I sit here now looking over you, I know, as sure as the world keeps turning and that the sun rises in the east, that I will be the one that will bring you to your knees. I will have you feeling exhausted, crazed and desperate and as I sit and recognise that I am the architect of your downfall I feel nothing. I feel no guilt, no despair or remorse because those things have been stripped from me. I was never made to experience those sensations and that is why I know I will do as I do to you, as I have to all the others before me and I will only feel one thing; power. That raw and visceral power which I must have. I am blessed with sufficient insight and intellect to know that what I do is wrong. I can see the tears in your eyes, hear your begging and see your hunched broken frame which tells me that you are hurting and I caused this. Yet for all of this understanding I am unwilling and unable to do anything about it because I am not forged with the desire or the tools to do so. This is what I am and better you remain asleep, oblivious to what is really looking down on you.

26 thoughts on “Perchance To Sleep

  1. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    I feel sorry for almost everything he writes, for the narcissist and the empath. Because that is what they may want to do consciously, but they can never do it because of their narcissistic condition unconsciously and their need to feed on fuel… Perhaps they try but their efforts are unsuccessful. And ends up devouring them like chronos in due time… Pena also gives me the empathic one, because at the end of the day she doesn’t know that what is coming to her, carefree sleeping with her executioner.

  2. santaann1964 says:

    This explains my story perfectly! My narc always saying he is my protector. Chilling to my bones. Goosebumps. This is my answer I was looking for.
    Santa…….but yet I am not oblivious, I have uncovered every mask, every secret he has. He knows I know what he is and what he has done. I would except most but not all. Somethings are just not acceptable because I could get hurt. He has always told me I was a different then all the others. Thank you for sharing your honesty.

  3. kel says:

    Now I’m afraid for ShieldMaiden after reading this. I’m afraid if you don’t marry her, you’ll tear down everything she’s built up, her career and life, as she makes you her priority over everything else.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would not worry.

      1. Saskia says:

        It is not the case that I don’t understand worry and concern about Shieldmaiden that has been voiced both here and on IG, since many have been through so much agony in their private lives. However, given the information that Shieldmaiden holds a high-up position in industry and is a 7 figure earner, I imagine her to be quite a ‘tough nut’ both intellectually and with regard to her capabilities of handling difficult and challenging scenarios. I don’t want to downplay any concern, not at all, but can imagine that this may work well in her favour, not only in her professional life but also in interactions with people in her private life which includes her relationship. I should imagine that she is able to ‘tear down’ as well, when challenged. Just my thoughts on what could be a beneficial as well as decisive factor in that ‘new dynamic’.

        1. kel says:

          She is an empath ensnared by an ultra narcissist. She is in over her head no matter how strong she is.

          1. Saskia says:

            Thank you for your answer, kel. I understand entirely why you see it that way and also your and everyone else‘s worry for her wellbeing. It is not the case that I am devoid of such concern.

            My comment was not directed at you specifically or an attempt to negate your opinion on this matter but rather a general observation based on recent comments/discussions on IG and the blog. I can see that my comment was misleading in that regard. All of our assumptions, including my own, are based on mere snippets of information we have (if at all), combined with what we project from our personal experience and from what we have learned so far. I thought that – intended merely as a thoughtplay rather than presenting absolute truths -, there is a possibility that in addition to her empathic nature, there may be distinct facets of her personality (abilities and qualities that we don’t know anything about) that may work in her favour in that specific dynamic. Of course, as little as anyone else, I cannot state that I know the full truth about the dynamic or about her personality. I do hope for an outcome in a new dynamic that works best for both.

          2. kel says:

            I haven’t been concerned about their relationship until reading this article made me think of her outcome if it doesn’t work out, and how obsessed we all are with the narcissist’s and how hard it is to disengage from them. We put them first as the priority in our lives without realizing it. I’m not sure marriage is much better for her, Lol, but it can work with greater narcissists – not flawlessly, but then no marriage is flawless. I was only ever concerned with invading her privacy, something I wouldn’t appreciate if it were happening with me.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            What do you see as being the difference in them being married as opposed to not?

          4. kel says:

            NA, why do you ask? or what is it you’re questioning? Do you mean what’s the difference in just staying together instead of a formal marriage? I meant staying together instead of breaking up. If you’re a narcissist and you found someone to fill that empty fuel spot, I’d think you’d want to make it legal. If you’re a woman, chances are you’d prefer a wedding to just living together. My first reply is in moderation, but I wasn’t really sure what you were asking- the difference of what.

          5. NarcAngel says:

            Yes, I was asking what you thought the difference making it legal would have on the relationship. HG has been married before and I wondered if you thought the treatment differed from his wife to say Kim who he was with for a long time but not married to. Also if you thought marriage now to SM would have a different outcome. I was just interested in how or if you saw the legality making a difference in behaviour.

          6. kel says:

            Oh I see. I don’t actually know his relationship history. I knew he was married, I think, briefly. I don’t know Kim to compare, but I do think SM is special. She checks all the boxes a narcissist could want or admire in a mate exceedingly. I think she’s a good extension of HG, and something he feels proud of. I can only compare it to the greater I know who is in his second marriage that has lasted, idk, over three decades and works for them. His wife and children love and adore him, his good side outweighs his narcissistic side. I don’t think they’re blind to him but that they’ve adapted to him. His wife never comes to his office, they work in different areas of town, she’s a successful manager of a company. He spends weekends with them, goes wherever they drag him, even on the Dumbo ride at Disney. He flirts around, usually has some token gf of some sort, but he doesn’t really cheat sexually, he’s more apt to mercilessly tease and seduce. I know a marriage with a greater can work, I know she can be as happy as any woman might expect to be.

          7. kel says:

            NA, I see the difference as in their relationship either breaking up or them staying together in marriage. As his wife she would have a special place in his life and would stay white, despite all his flirtatious fuel on the side. I wasn’t thinking of it in terms of a lifelong relationship versus officially tying the knot. I meant staying together instead of breaking up.

          8. NarcAngel says:

            I see. Thank you.

  4. G says:

    It is not your fault, you are what you are and unfortunately you born like that. maybe you really love her but in a different way and she understands that more than you. therefore she stays with u.there is nothing you can really do against your unconscious desire. But your actions you can control because this is the right thing to do. The pain will still be in your heart because you are trying to be someone you are not, but at least you understand you have a disease , you accept ithat and you have to try to leave your life without hurting people .it is okay to feel depressed in your case…

  5. veronicajones1969 says:

    HG is this true? , that in the beginning you want to protect love and know you will hurt her or just what you want us to believe so there is some hope for redemption, and if it is true what causes the shift from protection to abuse?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is what the narcissist believes but it is not genuine.

      The narcissist’s conscious belief (Lesser and Mid-Range) : I want to protect. I will never hurt this person. I love them.

      The narcissist’s unconscious reality (L and MR) : I do what I want. These thoughts arise to get what I want and to give the appearance that cons the empath so they fall under my control. I do not truly have those feelings because I either lack them (love) or I will jettison them when it suits me (protection) and I do as is required (hurt).

      1. katebd19 says:

        Hi HG, may MR have a reality gap with respect to the IPPS between this conscious belief and the unconscious reality? If so, how do they face this gap? Thank you

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Do you mean does the narcissist look on the IPPS in an ‘unrealistic’ way? Yes, it is called the effect of infatuation.

          1. katebd19 says:

            Yes. That was the question. Thanks HG!

  6. Angie says:

    always wonder why they look down on you almost like whimsical and curious,? and why they breathe in your scent so deeply

  7. Erick says:

    Sr narcisista. Tengo entendido que el narcisismo surge de un evento traumático de la infancia. Pero no puedo imaginarme que tan doloroso puede ser ese evento para volverte narcisista. ¿Me podría poner algunos ejemplos de eventos traumático que vuelven narcisista a alguién?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect to name some.

  8. Kiki Romano says:

    This is him to the T. Wow.

  9. Wissh says:

    Some of your entries make me so sad for you.

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