Just The Way It Is



By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

15 thoughts on “Just The Way It Is

  1. Angie says:

    thought plus emotions equals reality, fun fact of the day every day which gives every individual substance and understanding is truth and honesty and truthfulness it is pervasive, powerful, and irrefutable,,,even Satan will try to lie , but he cannot deny that which God has beholden to his children.

  2. Tizzzi says:

    So… is devaluation related to envy? Or is devaluation a phase which starts after the push and pull behaviour, when the partner is starting leaving?
    Brilliant. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you search for devaluation Tizzzi, you will find plenty of articles here which explain why it happens. You need to ascertain also what part you play in the narcissist’s fuel matrix as this impacts on the type, nature and duration of the devaluation.

  3. WiserNow says:


    I was having a flight of imagination the other day, and I wondered what would happen if narcissism became so well known that the manipulations became completely obvious. In such a world, narcissists would have drastically fewer fuel sources and wouldn’t be able to draw fuel easily because their methods would fail, they’d be easily exposed, or they’d suffer a severe backlash (like, say, what Michael Jackson is facing at the moment).

    What do you think would happen? How do you think narcissists would react in such a world?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. It would not happen.
      2. Even if it did, the fact it became so well known would not override emotional thinking. Thus, people would know about it but still fail to spot it/pay heed to it because of the power of ET.

  4. ava101 says:

    1. did you move in with your girlfriend? When would you do so? Or not do so?
    2. Why would a narc not want his IPPS or candidate IPPS very close to him (have access to them)?
    3. Do you think that it’s possible that a mid ranger _doesn’t know what he’s doing_ and thinks that he doesn’t need someone available in person, — but that he thinks that for a certain time, he would be better off with only online connections?
    Or different women at different places which are not in the same city as he is, but where he could fly to?
    Even if he had had the same IPPS for many years (but now broken up) and preferred to stay home always — wouldn’t that indicate that he’s not the kind of person that could do with that constellation (nobody close by, no family, no friends, no financial support, noone catering to him, etc.)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Wait and see.
      2. They would want the IPPS close to them, that’s why they are the IPPS.
      3. It is difficult to comment on this without the full facts, there probably is a primary source but you do not know about that primary source.

      1. ava101 says:

        Thank you. But is it in theory possible that a mid ranger is just being and idiot and blind to his own needs?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          He is not being an idiot, he is acting in accordance with his narcissistic perspective – this may of course cause him to appear as an idiot to others.

          1. ava101 says:

            …. for his own good I meant. Putting himself in a bad (as in: fuel free) situation …
            In other words: does it happen that from the viewpoint of his own perceived grandiosity, a mid ranger might think he doesn’t need a constant energy source (appliance) nearby, in close proximity, but thinks he is well off, when in fact he isn’t (from a narc perspective, needing fuel)?

  5. baileykaren2011Karen says:

    Four years and neither of us saw anger. we didn’t know about each other. he was textbook but he was always encouraging and complimenting both of us right up to the very end when I confronted him about her and bowed out. He lied about everything but was never vocally condescending or abusive.

  6. J.G says:

    “You were once shiny and new. Not any longer

    I believe that this phrase is a phrase that could be said to the narcissist, when you understand the narcissistic problem. This would be seen as a massive criticism, by the narcissist. A great devaluation for them.
    It really surprises me that the narcissistic theme is so hidden, the victims do not speak. It’s such an unknown subject that it surprises me…
    I believe that I have been living almost all my life in another reality, discovering all this and assimilating it has cost me quite a lot. But that if I no longer have that intense fire that burned for years in my interior “anxiety”. And that’s the best, just fantastic…

  7. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Reading your book a delinquent mind, and this post I see that only lies in forcing and provoking emotional reactions in their victims: Anger, Fear, Envy, Anxiety, Jealousy, Attachment, Addictions, Self-esteem, Soberbia, Guilt, Sloth, Sadness, Phobia, among many others through control. You control the life of your victims and because of this control you feel the Power. I can, and because I can I am powerful. In short, the power to control the life of your victims through manipulation elevates your self-esteem and elevates your ego. Because what you really need is not all these feelings really, the fuel really is the Power. Both the positive feelings in the golden age for the engagement, and the negative feelings in the time of devaluation, are only triggers, tests, that your manipulations are effective and your victims do what you want, you want … among many others.
    I understand that it can be fun for you, but for me personally, it would be so boring. Spending so much time with a person that I’m not interested in at all and that has no value for me, this kind of games of being able to control would bore me in a way.
    In the hypothetical case that I (as I am with my character traits and emotions) could exert control over another person, this would be so boring to me that I would die of boredom and tediousness.
    Well, it wouldn’t compensate me, because I would need a lot of energy and time for something that wouldn’t compensate me at all, it wouldn’t give me anything. My life is “full” enough to be able to give and to continue giving…
    Observing my own words I come to the conclusion, that your life and your actions only have the purpose of entertainment in the background. You need to “fill your lives” with other people’s emotions, both positive and negative.
    But not only that, you need to be entertained thinking how to get it because if your mind stops, this could also make you think about your reality, see and be aware of your emptiness. I think this would give you a spark in your brains and collapse.
    I really have a hard time trying to feel that “emptiness”, I think it would give me: fear, panic, restlessness, restlessness, uneasiness, fear, threat, alert, emergency.
    This would really make me need to get out of this situation, Survival. And I entered the wheel, to start thinking how to avoid these thoughts, occupying my mind in getting entertainment.
    And with it, the machinations to get other people to be with me to be entertained. Deep down I couldn’t spend much time alone. Because this would make me fall silent in the previous state and therefore I would have to be with someone permanently an IPPS. But this is not natural, and therefore I have to create a dependency of this person on me. And with that begins the narcissistic dance. Golden time when I have fun and devaluation when I get tired of my toy.
    Obviously, until my dance or play partner bleeds his feet, breaks down and his energy doesn’t flow enough and I have to change partners. Starting a new waltz. A new story.
    I really think it’s very sad what’s happening to you.
    Certainly you are people who must suffer a lot, to live this kind of life, live the nullity. And feel that absolute emptiness.
    I do not believe that in the mind of a person with empathic traits can ever put on your shoes. Because although I try it is extremely difficult to understand or try to experience the void.
    I “meditate”, and leave my mind blank, in the void, but my, this experience is positive, I feel love, peace, tranquility, Perhaps because it is controlled, or even forced. I do not have an unpleasant feeling, maybe because it is controlled and there is always a return. I don’t know how it would be, to experience an absolute emptiness. Death? I don’t think I’m wandering. hahahaha. I love to wander and put myself on the other side of the mirror even if it is momentarily.

    I think I need to know what the creature is, to get a greater and better understanding of the subject. this piece is missing, without this piece I think the puzzle is incomplete. Although I think it’s almost complete now. And I even see it logical.
    Life and mind are so amazing. And to see that it is simple survival still surprises me much more…
    H.G. has helped me a lot in my process, I have gone through a lot of states, hatred, anger, revenge, understanding, compassion and again a little compassionate love. It is liberating because you see the problem, which is not even yours or his, simply genetic, and the mistreatment and abuse received.
    Free from the weight of guilt, simply, zero contact and remake life.

    1. Narc noob says:

      Thanks JG. I enjoyed that post. I also see a big part of the puzzle missing. The place where time stops and they are left with nothing but their own flesh and blood. We can adapt, change and move past that, albeit difficult. I mentioned to HG that I experience restlessness at times plus am super sensitive but how they manifest and what is done when we feel what they do is a different story.

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