I Know Your Weaknesses
Do you remember those early, heady days when I first began to seduce you? Of course you do. Those moments have been branded into your memory and can never be erased, no matter how hard you try. So wonderful were those initial months of our courtship as we began our dance together that you cannot help but recall them and feel that bittersweet tinge. Many times as you have fought through your devaluation and discard you have harked back to those magical moments as you sought some kind of solace from them. Somehow, as you sat with tear-stained cheeks you would force a smile through the misery as you latched on to remembering the things that I said to you, those beautiful, loving and mesmerising words which gripped your heart and took it heavenward. It was impossible to resist the love-bombing which I unleashed upon you and similarly it is impossible for you to banish those memories as you sit amongst the debris of our relationship wondering what on earth has happened. You can easily be forgiven for seeking refuge from the misery amongst those golden thoughts. It is the obvious thing to do to try and take away the searing pain which now burns you. Naturally, this is all something which I planned and is a natural consequence of becoming entangled with me. Do not feel any shame in the fact that you keep running to those thoughts and taking hold of them as you seek to ease your agony. Keep doing it. All the others did and all the others will.
As you walk through those wonderful thoughts and memories, replaying our time together like an incessant loop of our “best of” moments do you recall what else you did during this seduction? Can you remember something else that was happening as we created these scintillating memories? Yes I know you can remember, how could you forget? It was one of the many things that I did for you which drew you closer to me and made you fall oh so deeply in love with the illusion. What was it that I did? I made you feel safe. I created that sanctuary and opened the door and ushered you in. I showed you how this gleaming and beautiful paradise was impregnable to the wretched and woeful world beyond. I assured you that being in here with me meant that you need never worry about those things again. I would keep the wailing tormentors from your door and ensure that those things did not trouble you any more. That was the sole condition for entry into this haven that I had constructed for you. Tell me about those things so I can shield you from them. You had never had someone make such a sacrifice for you before. The way we understood how badly those things affected you. We really seemed to grasp the impact that those things had had upon you as we listened with patience and comprehension. You were hesitant at first, the mere act of recollection being one that caused you consternation. You had no issue in confiding in us, no that was not the issue. We had banished any concerns you may have had about trusting us with these secrets within moments, such was our assured charm. No, what troubled you was bringing those dark memories, those fragile foibles to the surface once again. Yet as the words came from your mouth and the tears trickled down your cheeks you felt the cathartic effect of off-loading all of those things to us. From the minor concerns through to the deep-seated and life changing troubles you conveyed each and every one to us and it felt wonderful to do so. The burden came away from you and for the first time ever you felt freedom from those things as you passed the baton onto us and we readily took it from you. You exorcised those ghosts and stepped into our sanctuary elated and delighted to have been able to purge those things from yourself and embrace a new start with us. For too long those things had held you back. For too long you had walked a rocky road alone, stooped and bent double under the weight of your concerns. There had been others but you did not feel able to share the load as you did with me. I was different. There was something about me which made you feel like you could tell me anything and everything and I would deal with it. I would flex those angelic wings and extend them to surround and protect you. Unburdened by those things you walked taller, felt stronger and you had me to thank for this process. Your gratitude and admiration flowed incessantly and I was only too happy to wash myself in this fountain of praise although in keeping with the personae I had created I accepted your compliments with humble acknowledgement. You entered my sanctuary and told me all your weaknesses.
This was achieved in such a way that you felt no shame in telling me them. That was another difference. You knew I would not judge you for them. You knew I would not regard you as silly or stupid for having certain concerns.
“It is how you regard them that matters, not how everyone else views them.”
You remember that sentence and how you seized it with great gladness, thankful that at last somebody understood and recognised how to deal with your concerns. Your confidence in me was absolute and I even made it seem as if actually liked your weaknesses and that gave you great comfort.
All I was doing as you sat there on those many occasions where you shared your concerns, your vulnerabilities and weaknesses with me (for they did not all come out in one session, no, it took weeks of careful extraction on many different occasions to amass them all) was stockpiling my armoury. Your admission that you cannot swim and thus are terrified of deep water was moulded into a missile. Your explanation that you were bullied at school because you had short hair arising from having to have it shorn because your brother poured glue over your head one time became a hand grenade. The fact your suffer a noticeable red flush across your chest and neck when you feel agitated created a bullet. Your confession that you suffer excessive wind formed another bullet. The abuse you suffered at the hands of a family member when you were eight became a thermonuclear device ready to detonate at a later date. Each and every weakness, from your inability to resist eating a packet of biscuits in one sitting through to your fear of public speaking was noted, recorded and fashioned into a weapon. You thought you were safe in the sanctuary. That was just an illusion. You were actually sat in my armoury and I was there with you creating these weapons to use against you at a later date. Each weakness you admitted to me you thought you were handing to me for me to carry on your behalf. The reality was you were giving me the material from which I could create a weapon – be it a sharp stick with which to prod you or a nuclear missile to obliterate you. You thought it was some form of absolution but all you were doing was arming me.
I always want to know about your weaknesses. Your weaknesses become forged into my strengths in readiness for the war of devaluation that I shall wage against you. Keep talking, there is an arsenal to be created.
39 thoughts on “I Know Your Weaknesses”
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Teaching people to fight fire with fire.
I get it.
Although water and earth will put it out.
Fire needs fuel, oxygen and heat to exist. Take away one of these and it goes out.
It really is astonishing the power of a narc. My rift with a friend has me frustrated yet not once did I look around my house and bawl my eyes out at a loss. Ever presence.
Not 30 seconds prior I was about to write a scathing condemnation of the narcs abilities. It took me that time to reflect on what I said and to recognize how much information I handed over. I’m not swallowing my condemnation though. He never did manage what he tried.
This is why im careful when i meet someone. I play the narcs game and let them do a lot of the talking as i watch for red flags. Its amazing how many narcissists, bipolars, borderlines etc ive come across and recognize from what ive learned here. If i suspect someone as having a personality disorder i try to distance myself so were never on a personal level. The less they know about me the better. Of course im friendly and listen but i make sure never to get too close to them bc you will get burned. The less they know will keep you safer. Once they think youre friends or on a intimate level the mind games start up.
People gotta have “something” to talk about.
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
From this post, one learns a great lesson. “Keep your mouth shut.
Secrets are secrets, otherwise they wouldn’t be called secrets, they would be called confessions.
But not only that we can also see in this manipulative maneuver other things, the control section to the narcissist of something with which he can have us in his hands and also well the guilt for revealing it and is that to some extent you are right. Who are you, why do I have to reveal my secrets to you? Start with your big secret, the one you don’t want to reveal, your inner creature.
Rather, this instead of love, seems to be a game of Spies. And as one said:
“If someone says that he gave me secret information, the crime was committed by him, not by me….. Mata Hari
Right now I’m imagining my narcissist in a 7 veil suit. Doing the belly dance to get information in plan Mata Hari.
Simply ridiculous. jajajajajajaj. 🙂
I think the most common thing my narcissists have used , things that I talk to them about my fears, flaws , mistakes . vulnerability my mother used this often and every narcissist I have encountered and when your world is falling apart is when they reach out if you need to talk I’m here for you and I am definitely venerable at those times and the next thing you know they are using your words and pain against you whether they are thrown in you in a negative way verbally or physically done with no warning this destroys trust I’m very sensitive to this and don’t open up often if someone comes to me already knowing my problems it gets my guard up straight away this I a huge red flag for me
Hi Veronique,
re “when they reach out if you need to talk I’m here for you and I am definitely venerable at those times and the next thing you know they are using your words and pain against you ”
This happened to me too. I felt betrayed. I could not understand why these apparently supportive, trusting and decent would want to destroy me for no apparent reason. It was a big mistake to talk about what I was going through when I was emotionally and physically vulnerable.
This article is not only helpful for those in intimate relationships. Female narcissists take advantage of the dynamics of women friendships and other relationships – built on trust and emotional support.
Thank you I appreciate that 😍
Veronique, yep! My mother too.
Men and women, agree E.B. on the female friendship thing. It will always come up again later.
Yes females are a problem for me to
Veronique, EB, NB, so true. When I was new in the country I opened up to my half sister about my insecurity regarding my lack of knowledge in American social graces and etiquette. She seemed so supportive but she totally used it to make me feel inferior all the time. This article is so amazingly true. Now I will wait until I really get to know someone in my life before I open up. In so many ways it feels safer to open up in a forum like this with people you will never meet than people who are part of your life.
I agree a forum like this is easier than a interpersonal relationship firstly the people here are looking for answers and generally in similar situations so they understand more of were we are coming from
Veronique, I find it a relief.
Mp, I’ve had it even where I teach them something and they use that to be superior.
Also I think it’s still good to practice boundaries here (everywhere), but I agree. I still love to open up, I tend toward it in life obviously, but I’m better at not handing a hierarchy over accidentally and also trying to be conscious of risk/benefit (there is benefit). And I do think there are more empaths here that don’t leverage opportunities.
I can understand why they don’t it’s scary opening up
Well I will say, that those there weaknesses were mine. But as I learned they know are my strengths! Once again, thank you H
no
I know this (now), but they don’t really win anything. War for what.
I’ve always been an open book. And with my covert narc I was quite the talker! I felt like someone really cared and i could share. A couple of times HG, I caught him in one of the stares you describe. The blank one. Thank you for revealing that to me. Even at the time it was confusing. But i shook it off because he would look startled for a second as though he knew he wasn’t facially expressing what he should. Then, immediately his tears for me would start falling. HG, I pretty sure he is a mid ranger. How could he know to do this instinctively? Seems so premeditated.
Because his narcissism acts instinctively. If you want to understand this in greater detail and with reference to your own experience with this narcissist, please organise a consultation as it explaining it is a detailed process.
I agree NB, I don’t understand this mindset of always in a war, everything is a game, instead of just living and enjoying life. It must be exhausting.
I don’t get it either, Nunya Biz and Mommypino. One of the last emails I wrote to mine was actually called ‘The Battle in Your Head.’ I didn’t really want to discuss it but he wrote back and said ‘what battle?’ I said ‘the one in your head’ (duh), he said ‘about what?’ I said ‘good question’ and never elaborated.
Most of them do not know they are at war all the time with the very people who would support them and who they should also support. I just wanted peace in the end. I swear when I got here I felt like I’d been in a war zone. But I guess for them because it is all about the fuel, the more turmoil they can create, the better (for them).
When I got here I was nearly hysterical : p
SMH and MP,
yes support them. I can see even in worst cases, I can see that people try to support the narc and they just keep pushing a war nobody else can see. Like in the case of Harvey Weinstein even, I felt like I had an automatic understanding because I relate to other women. Like it seems to me that most women would like and support him outside of his narc behavior. So why do that? I think even some (not all) of the women he abused still tried to like him.
That’s the part where I don’t think they win. Even with the prime aims considered, most of them would upend their own success at things because the need for superiority upends everything else?
In some ways I think this site proves it. Because the rules are in place. I think that’s why people get drawn to HG? Because he is like the narcissist making sense, so you don’t have to go crazy. I think really most of them fall short of lovable, they think they are gaining more than they are. I plan to continue to walk away from narc behavior because it is just so disappointing (and romantically a turnoff) that the consistent end result is that what’s best for ME always falls by the wayside. I’ve seen people who can consistently put their partner’s interest ahead rather than fight for control and still maintain independence, it looks strong, as soon as I see basic N manipulations it’s clear that’s not going to happen ever.
SMH, that schedule thing is just a control thing right?
Nunya Biz, Yes – by making me feel like I was crazy and was disappointing him, which of course would then draw negative fuel. He had this thing about being ‘spontaneous’ even though he was one of the most rigid and scheduled people I’ve ever met. Even his hoovers followed a pattern. I finally said to him, I guess we have a double standard since I am not allowed to ‘spontaneously’ contact you when I would prefer to see you. Shoulda seen the look on his face.
You make a good point about Weinstein. He is probably great fun to be around if he isn’t trying to assault you. He’s probably very bright, obviously creative etc. Plus he had a gorgeous wife. So why do all that indeed?
And yes about HG. He has pulled off quite a trick here but I am sure the rules are as much for him as they are for us. Keeps him on the straight and narrow. He says he doesn’t get any fuel here but he could if he really wanted to break the rules (though I admit I have never read the rules and have no idea what they are other than that we cannot meet up with each other off site).
SMH-
“Shoulda seen the look on his face.”
Ha, like
*quick, what’s the most confusing and deflecting response*
?
Yeah, Weinstein had everything. What better example of cannot be satisfied. I said somewhere before
-Want what they cannot have and so by definition cannot have what they want.
The loop cannot be broken. And lovely empaths forever trying to explain.
You know, SMH, I saw an article on the Weinstein case and it mentioned a female judge saying something against the victim side and a point for him. Something like…
“He’s not an attractive man, blah blah blah circumstances, you knew you were getting into.”
I was so mad, like she gets to define what an attractive man is. Clearly Weinstein is an attractive man. Made me furious. But women aren’t supposed to be attracted to intelligence? Power? Ability? Who made that rule? Striking blow against reason, imo. It is her judgement that money or a job can be the only interest, shows who she is more than anyone else. Narcissists can also have a powerful way of activating maternal instincts (with no appreciation for it).
I think we’re not allowed to know the rules. Someone has made very good guesses about them. But I just loooooove the concept that HG has made a professional living out of being honest about who he is, what a scintillating paradox. Oh yeah, fuel-fest if he wanted, I’m sure. Perfection and accuracy to his perspective prevail. Sanity!
You just said something there that triggered an insight for me. This insight may or may not be real. At present I am low on self trust.
“Because the rules are in place. I think that’s why people get drawn to HG? Because he is like the narcissist making sense, so you don’t have to go crazy.”.
Perhaps HG’s success in directing empaths to healing pathways comes from two fronts. First – there is no doubting in my mind that the insider perspective is invaluable Then there is this idea that the relationship is the healing phenomena in therapy. I will only speak for myself as a person who is currently still going through an emotional devastation. There are roots to how I experience my personal emotional upheaval. In many ways i may be trying to right some wrongs from my past. Do safe consultations with the past’s representative in the form of H.G. somehow kick off healing for the empath. The N who will not harm, intends no harm and infact wants me weopenised and strong.and even facilitates that.,A bit like transference in the freudian sense [ for the victim] and in this tertiary digital space HG. is polite and there is no, or minimal counter transfernce?
Could be, AnneB. We get answers from HG that we cannot get from the narcs in our lives. In that respect, I think we all see a bit of ‘our’ narc in HG and the healing process is definitely tied to the relationship with him. Thanks for that insight.
AnneB
I think the information and answers that HG provides gives a kind of closure that people need but could not get from the narcissist they were entangled with, and that helps them move forward.
I should add that MRN never used any personal qualities directly against me, and I told him plenty of dark stuff. He simply picked one thing – and that was my desire to have some sort of schedule or at least advance warning so we didn’t have to be hanging on email all the time – and harped on it. That is when I started fighting back because it was so obviously lopsided and unfair.
Yes, hg had posted his prime aims again recently. It’s hard for me to remember.
NB, good point about the prime aims.
SMH, yeah that’s why it will never work with us and the narcissists. They feed from the turmoil which destroys us.
Mommypino, It seems such a waste of time. I think most of us finally come to that realization and of course that is what HG is telling us. Don’t bother. It’s a waste of time.
SMH so true. Although at that time whenever I see a speck of kindness it gave me hope that my efforts were working. Now I know for sure that it is a waste of time because they will never change. I wish that I found this blog years ago but it still helps me tremendously going forward.
I agree with you entirely, Mommypino!