Do We Ever Listen?

DO WE EVER LISTEN_

You may not think it but we do actually listen to you. I appreciate that may seem odd because you think the way we act means we cannot possibly be listening to you. We take no notice of what you say because we still go ahead and do the same things that we have done before. We keep repeating a comment as if we have never heard your answer the first time around. You remind us about the time we are meeting and we turn up late or not at all. You could be forgiven for thinking that we are very poor listeners. The reality is that we are very good listeners. The difference is that we choose to hear differently.

When you are shouting at us, advancing your argument in a forceful manner we will be responding to what you are saying, usually with denial and deflection. We are not interested in what you are saying, we are concerned with hearing your feelings. We want to hear the strangulated and seething anger that manifests in your words because then we know (along with seeing your contorted and reddened face) that you have reacted to our provocation and accordingly you are providing us with fuel. If you are hurling insults at us, calling us names and berating our dress sense, weight and intelligence we are not wounded by these criticisms because the fact you are spitting with venom, shouting them in a rage or shrieking with delight as you insult us means you are providing the emotion that equates to fuel. The harsh names just dissipate because we are not hearing them. We are hearing the emotion of what is being said, that is what matters. You can devise the most original insult the world has ever know but if you throw it at us with emotion then all we hear is your emotional reaction. Have you often wondered why we are smiling when you are arguing with us? It is because you are giving us what we want; fuel. Oh and also because we know that smiling at you will infuriate you all the more.

We listen to you with considerable attention during the initial stages of the seduction. We ensure that every snippet of information, every morsel of knowledge that will assist us in seducing you and binding you tight to us is heard and absorbed, filed away in readiness for use at the appropriate time. Each time you reveal to us a new restaurant you have found or a new play that has just opened which you like we take notice. When you tell us about your friends we listen in anticipation of bringing them under our spell also. When we listen at this juncture you think we are attentive and interested in you. Indeed, we are and your reaction to this is to praise us, thus providing us with fuel, and to feel attracted to us, thus binding you to us. Our interest however is not as you would normally perceive because our interest is borne out of the use we can make of what you tell us, in order to further our own agenda.

We also listen to you to understand how our behaviours affect you. We listen to the praise and delight you gush forth and we note what we did that caused this. When we subject you to devaluation we soak up the fuel you pour towards us but we also listen to how it is affecting you. You tell us about how it hurts, how you cannot sleep, how you feel anxious, how you feel sick, how you are frightened, how you do not understand. We do not care how you feel but we are most interested in you telling us this. This forms feedback based on our various manipulations. As we gather the fuel from your tearful pleading we also ascertain how what we have said has had an effect on you. We listen to you explaining to us how you feel because we do not feel it ourselves. We need to learn from you in this respect. We need to learn so we can mimic is when the need arises. We need to learn that if somebody feels a sense of loss then they will cry. Accordingly, if we anticipate losing you then an appropriate reaction would be to cry. We have learned from what you have shown us and what you have told us. See, I told you that we pay attention to you. We also listen so we know just how effective our manipulation has been. Is what you are telling us explaining a minor degree of hurt and sadness or is it more substantial? We do not know ourselves because we do not feel sadness ourselves. That redundant emotion was either stripped from us or never allowed to develop in the first place. Accordingly, in order to understand what makes someone sad, a little bit sad or devastatingly sad we have to observe your responses and listen to what you are saying. We do not stand and listen because we are concerned and because we want to find a solution to your state of sadness. That serves no purpose to us at all. What we are doing is listening to the detail of your misery so we can replicate it. We can replicate both in terms of pretending we feel miserable when the occasion suits us and we also replicate it to make someone miserable for the purposes of control and the gathering of fuel.

It is through listening that we hone our manipulative skills. It is through listening that we learn all about you, what you like and what you dislike, what your hopes are and what vulnerabilities you have that we can exploit. Through listening we understand how you feel so we can mimic this. It is through listening that we are able to comprehend how you are affected by what we do. Yes, we spend a lot of time talking, telling the world about how brilliant we are and this is of course the way of what we are but you would be surprised at just how much we listen. Just because we may not be listening based on what youdeem to be important is does not mean we are not listening at all. Far from it.

Accordingly, next time you plead that we listen to you for once or that you beg us to “listen to what I am saying” you will find that we are and you will come to regret it.

31 thoughts on “Do We Ever Listen?

  1. Licinia says:

    HG:

    I have a couple of questions based on the following from your article:

    “We listen to you with considerable attention during the initial stages of the seduction. We ensure that every snippet of information, every morsel of knowledge that will assist us in seducing you and binding you tight to us is heard and absorbed, filed away in readiness for use at the appropriate time.”

    I believe that I am/or am being treated as an NISS (perhaps formerly targeted as a potential IPSS/DLS) by a co-worker MMRN. Our conversations seem to oddly pick up from prior times we spoke as if the original conversations had never ended. So if I complain about being hot on Friday, on Wednesday he will ask if I am still hot. If I refer to a tune in August, he may begin humming it from across the room in October. Some of the snippets of information, carried like string from one contact to another are, to me, very detailed and odd—making me wonder why he recalls them, and what their significance is.

    1. Is this typical co-worker conversation with a narcissist? I really do not experience this in the same way with my other more typical co-workers.

    2. You mention that this occurs during the initial stages of seduction. But this has been going on for a while with me, sometimes trailing off for a couple of months when he is not really speaking to me, but then starting again. Why?

    Swear to god I might drop a complaint about sackbuts into our next conversation to see if it reappears down the line.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes.

      2. You were placed on the shelf so he interacted with other appliances and then he took you off the shelf again and continued.

  2. Sarah Jane says:

    The ‘narc’ I was in a LTR with, for 19 years was found to be autistic. High functioning – and my son has been diagnosed on the A.S too. Also, his son from a previous relationship.

    They all, fundamentally, act and behave the same, regarding lack of emotional empathy. They all have the smirky smile, the gas lighting qualities (which form as a different story-telling/view-point, to what’s considered the ‘norm’ and have a very low tolerance for touching or being touched.

    Maybe the lesser/MR are like this and they’re unaware. The greater, however, I’m baffled by, as I have never known admittance and such awareness to confess.

  3. Sarah Jane says:

    Random: Did you vote to remain or leave the EU, Mr Tudor?

  4. K says:

    Agreed, many practitioners/therapists are absolutely useless and some do more harm than good.

    1. Claire says:

      Yes—this level of incompetence would never fly in “physical” medicine. It is the science of the dim wits and the inside joke amongst many practitioners is that psychiatrists are generally useless. They can’t even remember what tests to order when consulted for some things so “real” practitioners often just do the stuff they ask for to avoid the headache. I was just desperate enough to try anything.

  5. ava101 says:

    I actually miss your ability to listen and mirror. When out with ‘normals’.

  6. Anm says:

    I had the worst day in Narc Paradise today. I have an important custody hearing coming up in 10 days. I go to make a payment to my attorney, and he tells me he is stepping down from my case. I was so sad, frustrated, and abandoned!
    My ex narc then decides to push for the hearing to get delayed and pushed t a few months out.
    His attorney requested I cooperate, I said no. She then calls me at 830pm, to tell me that my ex is abusive because of MY behavior. She’s a narc, and I knew it was all so pointless to try to negotiate with her. I told her she was an Enabler I wasn’t going to allow her to push me around. I dont even cry often. Today I ugly cried.

  7. Narc noob says:

    I find it amusing (but somewhat disturbing) that a lot of the bloggers here have voiced their concern relating to your abuse without seemingly recognising that there are two sides to every coin. Where’s the distain and horror for your mother’s plight, the matrinarc who no doubt has had her own share of beatings?

    On one of the articles you posted concerning the good doctors you were relentless in keeping history buried, as if it were rather unhelpful and unnecessary to pull up the past. My readings here have indicated that the GD is history all rolled up into some hell-fire ball of revenge and the past most certainly DOES get resurrected.

    I’m insulted that we Es are regarded as useless and stupid when entangled (esp. post escape) due to our mindset and our inability to think in ways that bring about restoration. I know it’s an accurate ascersion that thinking outside the box is somewhat beyond us, it doesnt make sense however that someone who is decent, honest, and fair can have their character somewhat maimed when they haven’t changed. The *system* is wrought with deceit and falsehood, and the little guy is left floundering.

    You speak of logic. The hyprocritcal nature of a N, is the most illogical thing that I have ever encountered. I wrongly accuse you of A, I scorn at you for doing A, I beat you up for doing A and yet A is what I will always do myself. 😫🙄

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Illogical to you, not to us. You keep applying your own perspective (which of course is understandable) but it is that which propounds this view of illogical behaviour.
      Yet you victims behave illogically. You are told time and time again that this person is a Narcissist, an abuser, that he or she cannot and will not change yet you interact again and again and again and remain in a loop of misery, anger, abuse, wasted time and energy etc.

      1. Narc noob says:

        Thankfully that wasn’t me. The first sign of abuse, bar the love-bombing, sent me elsewhere to find some clarity.

        That doesn’t mean the abuse has stopped. It’s just that I have chosen not to react. Still, I’d like my freedom back.

      2. amanda SNapchat says:

        you are 100% right. Wasted time and energy.

      3. Narc noob says:

        Yes, taking abuse over and over again, seeing no change is considered illogical (absence of sound mind). I see your point. I also see that its illogical to apply abuse 10 fold to what was considered one treacherous behaviour. But there I go looking at it from my perspective again…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed and I also understand how you see how our viewpoint as illogical.

          1. Narc noob says:

            Ok. Well that was a surprise! Thx

          2. foolme1time says:

            Which is what makes you kind sir, extremely dangerous!

          3. marinathemermaid3 says:

            The narc’s point of view is pathological, as normal people function with empathy. To be absent of empathy is not “logical”. Indeed you are not Spock. It is not logical or normal for a person to systematically abuse, use, and manipulate someone who loves them. Spock has no use for “fuel” or ego stroking.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            It is logical to us. You are confusing the different perspectives. Normal is only defined by majority not by an objective standard.

      4. Claire says:

        I truly do not think if I knew what my ex fundamentally was while “in it” that I would have stayed even as decompensated as I was. If someone shook me and told me the truth and that it would never improve I would have left—I have some anger at the $300/hour (forensic board certified) doctor I was seeing that was worthless for never thinking to ask why the marriage was so miserable. It’s not normal to be in that shape and be so miserable in a marriage for just a lack of companionship. What a complete and total fuckwad waste he was.. He gave me pills that made me sick and I kept telling him they weren’t right! He sent me to a therapist that (I swear) tapped her hands on my knees one day and I was so confused I was even more delirious.. She was so happy with whatever she was doing—it was like she had been to a conference and was giddy to employ a new technique! Yet I was so confused and depressed I was nearly oblivious to the awareness that it was an abusive situation. Saying that almost makes no sense because his behavior was so abhorrent I even recall “covering” for it. Yet I wasn’t making the connection?? Nonsense. How is it that HG has this down to a science and a zillion practitioners/therapists and the like are basically worthless? (Me included) Un-fucking-believable. I did behave illogically but sadly I was reaching out but the general cluelessness of this is out of this world.

        1. Narc noob says:

          Thank goodness for the www and that of motive and the GD huh Claire. I’m sorry to hear what you went through with the therapist, let alone the N!

        2. foolme1time says:

          They have know clue what they are dealing with! It has been hidden so well by so many, the Doctors see what they want to see ( because they think they know all) we are left to suffer there incompetence!

        3. Kristen Koelzer says:

          I don’t know if you got my message so hear goes…. I broke up with my Narcissist fiancé while he was in prison and blocked him from calling me. Well that being said he has no source of fuel except what he can get from the inmates and guards. Which of course he blamed his incarceration on somebody else.
          May I also add he ran me over in his truck and left me in the street and NEVER apologized to me. He said it was my fault that he was in fear of his life. Hahaha
          So will he deteriorate day by day not having a woman to manipulate? I know your thing was never going to prison but what do you think since you are one. He is an elite narcissist by the way.

          1. Sarah Jane says:

            Cadre: Elite

            School: Lesser?

        4. WhoCares says:

          Claire,

          I’m sorry the people you reached out to were clueless and that it resulted in further damage to you.
          That’s not the case here; we get it and can empathize with the extent of the damage that you’ve endured.

          Best wishes on your road to recovery and healing.

        5. Anm says:

          Claire why did you have to see a $300/hr therapist? That’s insane.

        6. marinathemermaid3 says:

          Claire, right there with ya. They tried to medicate it out of me too! Haha. What a disaster. Took me a long time to figure out, it’s not me, its him! But that’s what narcs do. They make you think you are the crazy one. I almost had a complete break down, and oh my God the heavy medication they put me on! Made me want to die. I am so grateful I got through it alive. If it were several hundred years earlier, I would have been locked up and abandoned for life. Look at the story of T.S. Elliott’s wife. She had some hormonal problems so he had her locked up in an asylum for life and never even came to see her.

          1. marinathemermaid3 says:

            Correction on Viv Eliot. Her brother had her committed.

          2. Claire says:

            Indeed. Psychiatry lives to throw pills at people. It’s because it’s a half science and they have little else to rely on. I do clinically see some benefits of meds sometimes as it can certainly be appropriate—but some investigation and intuition really needs to be more front and center than a Rx pad. One of the meds made me feel like a zombie at night—probably the same damn crap you were on.
            I paid that pompous dumbass out of pocket so the visits weren’t recorded in my medical record thank goodness. The way it works where I am is if you pay privately it’s not entered into an electronic database. I’m grateful because I don’t need my family doctor thinking she needs a straight jacket handy when I go in the office! Embarrassing.

          3. Sarah Jane says:

            Marinathemermaid3
            Sounds like we’re similar with what we’ve been through. Worst time of my life.

            And yes – women were put in asylums for being pregnant out of wedlock, so imagine us!

      5. foolme1time says:

        Oh but HG if we did not, where would you get your fuel from?! It’s a never ending viscous circle, until we stumble into you that is!

    2. Sarah Jane says:

      I partly agree Narc Noob.

      I forget that Mr Tudor is a Narc here, sometimes, because he delivers the articles in a way that makes it seem to us that he’s caring and genuinely wants to help us. But, it’s for his own benefit and gain when you get to the nitty-gritty. No Narc does something for the benefit of others without control or gain on his behalf.

      We could all be a part of the biggest triangulation tactic in history and not know it. There are also certain aspects to this site (which obviously Mr Tudor controls 100%), where there is no room for proof of the things he’s telling us. The analogies he gives us from the basic perspective of a Narc may initially be true (as many of us have been surprised and gained knowledge from), but how do we know they’re not exaggerated to make us feel worse, or so that certain people he wants to get one over on can read them too, with their comments always being be left in moderation?

      I can’t think of a single person who would not be able to know and contact HG – especially a girlfriend. You can only get anonymity via a figment of your imagination. When anyone else is involved, it becomes so much heavier on th façade. Not getting too involved with that side of things might be for the best and just concentrate on the fact some people in our lives, are indeed arseholes.

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