I Cannot Do This Anymore



I cannot do this anymore. You may have heard this statement from one of our kind. It is uttered with a weary resignation, a long sigh and a tired look in our eyes. The glorious countenance has vanished and been replaced with someone who looks defeated, crumpled and exhausted. The polish and shine has been dulled, the accumulative impact of what has happened now looks to have taken its toll on us and with a wave of the white flag we surrender.

But when we say “I cannot do this anymore” to what are we referring. What is the this? Straight from the off, as we utter this phrase, we have set a trap for you. Do we mean that we can no longer maintain the relationship with you, this topsy-turvy roller coaster of a ride? Have we given up on the concept of us and this is the death knell for our relationship together? You can already feel the anxiety crawling over you as you contemplate the import of this phrase. The days without us already beginning to stretch ahead of you, the multitude of questions which start to form in your mind, the whys and hows drifting through your mind, gathering momentum and troubling you. Is that what we are referring to? Can we no longer remain in a relationship with you?

Or is it perhaps something else? Is this an epiphany? Have we seen that our repeated abuses against you, through many different forms and occasions, is too much and goes against the good person you have always believed that lurks somewhere inside of us? You saw that person (or believed you did) for a long time at the outset of the relationship but he has been missing as of late. He has taken a holiday from these parts but surely it is only a holiday, because if it is this means that he will be coming back. He has gone but not forever. Perhaps this is him returned and with that moment of revelation and realisation, we have seen the truth of what we have been doing and through this we now know that we cannot continue to behave in this manner any longer. Is this what we mean when we declare the statement of “I cannot do this anymore”?

Which is it? You dread it being the former and hope that it is the latter. This might be the breakthrough that you have been seeking all these months as you have hung in there, buffeted and assailed by all of our terrible torments, but now you have come good, you have achieved your great reward. That must surely be what we mean.

You wait for us to elaborate but nothing more is said. We continue to look at you and you stare into our eyes. What do you see? Is it despair or is it hope? You cannot be sure. You are confused but you do not want to be. You want clarity and you feel an alternating sense of worry one moment and then resurgent hope the next. You wait, your expression set in expectation, urging us to flesh out this statement, to expand and to elaborate but still our silence remains. Are we gathering our thoughts before making the next great pronouncement? Is there more? Will it be a hammer blow which obliterates your hopes or that triumphant clarion call which signals that the war is at an end and peace has broken out? Is this the very thing that you have dreamed about?

You wonder whether you should press us or would that affect the outcome and bring about a volte face? You have experienced enough of those during the tumultuous experience that is your union with us. Perhaps you are better served waiting and allowing us to express ourselves, but you need to know, you want to know. You want to know if you should commence your reasoning to ensure that the relationship is at an end. If this is to be the outcome, then you need to commence your bid for its continuation without delay, not least to stem the churning anxiety which is threatening to overwhelm you. If it is an end to the abuse, the games and the mis-treatment then you want to congratulate us on breaking through that final barrier and achieving the insight you have longed for, for such an extensive period of time. You urge us with your eyes to add to the comment, to help us over the finishing line and in so doing end your own uncertainty, but there is no more. We just keep looking at you.

This is where we like to position you. Gripped by uncertainty, emotions churning through you as we milk them through you all through one comment. We can see it all in your eyes, your frozen stance, the hunched shoulders, the clenched hands, the mask of uncertainty that is strapped to your face. In turn we see the hope, the worry, the optimism and the fear flickering through your eyes and as usual we are sustained by this nourishment. Those words have provoked this reaction in you, the emotional response pouring our way, even though it is silent and immobile.

If you eventually breach this impasse and press for more details, expect to be led by the hand into the maze of ambiguity, double-meaning and obfuscation. Your questions will be half-answered. Your queries will be met with more silence, an unwavering look as we force you to try and work it out. Morsels of encouragement may be provided, like breadcrumbs along the path as we lead you deeper and deeper into the maze. You continue to fuel us as you think you are being taken towards the answers, admitted into our confidence and shown the inner sanctum of our thoughts, but no, all we are doing is taking you into the bowels of our tangled forest where you will be caught on the thorns of unanswered questions, tripped by the vines of vagueness and blocked by the twisted branches of bewilderment.

Do we mean it when we say this phrase? It is really the case that I cannot do this anymore?

Of course I can. I can keep doing this forever because as I have mentioned on many occasions this is forever. Yes, there will be times where I will disappear. Yes, there will be occasions where I am good to you again, then bad and then good. The purpose of saying this is purely to upset you. I have no intention at all at leaving you. Why would I when you give me so much wonderful negative fuel through the period of devaluation? Why would I when you provide the delicious positive fuel again when I allow a period of respite and the application of the golden period again? I am going nowhere but it does not harm to suggest to you that I might. It keeps you on your toes and ensures that I am able to exert control over you. I keep you guessing, anxious and confused and I also ensure that your fuel keeps flowing.

I also say this to make it sound like what we have is arduous and horrible. It is for you because I treat you badly but this is enjoyable. I get to do what I want, I am never wrong and you have to bear the brunt of my shocking behaviour towards you. It is a playground for me and I am not going to give that up. Never. Still, I want you always one heartbeat away from thinking that I am going to walk out on you, that you are not doing enough for me so you will try harder, you will avoid the egg shells more effectively and you will keep on trying and trying to please me. This is a great way of controlling you by threatening you with the loss of me although it is never going to happen. By a similar token, I want you a breath away from thinking that a breakthrough has been achieved, that I have seen clarity through the fog of malevolence and realise that this abusive treatment, this game-playing and inventive fabrications are at an end. You keep hoping that day is just around the corner, so you remain locked into your investment with me and you dare not give up, not now, not when redemption might be a week, a day or an hour way.

Accordingly, it you hear this, do not think that I am going to leave you. I am not. Do not think that I have realised what it is that I do and that it is wrong and must be stopped. I may well realise, but I will not stop.

I am just continuing to control you and seeking a reaction from you.

Of course, you are forbidden from ever saying these words.

34 thoughts on “I Cannot Do This Anymore

  1. mommypino says:

    I think that because I was so used to a highly stressful and difficult life from my matrinarc, I never remember saying to myself “I can’t do this anymore” regarding the narcs in my life. I remember being so angry all the time and obsessing about one-upping them and showing them that they’re not all that. I also remember thinking, “you’re not worth it anymore.” I’m so glad that I found your work HG because if not I would still be running with no end in sight like a hamster trying to fight battles that never end. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Why are my comments censored? Oh boy here we go again with that supremacist shite.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Where are they being censored? Perhaps you mean why have my comments not yet appeared? You may have noticed (although I would not put any money on this) that no comments have appeared the last few days and prior to that only a small number, why might that be? Ah yes, I have been busy with other matters rather than moderating, just as it is explained in the rules. Your comments have not been censored, merely delayed, just like everybody else.

    2. mommypino says:

      Hi marinathemermaid3,
      I also have a comment awaiting moderation. It does happen occasionally so I don’t take it personally anymore. One time my more recent comments showed up first while my older ones didn’t so I wrote HG an email if I have offended anyone or violated a rule and he said that it was just still waiting to be moderated. It happens usually when he has been away and the comments on que have been long and he’s only able to have time to moderate the more recent comments which I am imagining to be first on cue (I’m guessing that’s probably how it is). Also when comments have questions or are long, they tend to get moderated slower.

      1. mommypino says:

        Sorry, *on queue

      2. HG Tudor says:

        All correct

      3. Claire says:

        I can’t even tell what comments get pushed through.. I’m a word press idiot. I used to get emails and they stopped and I have no idea why. I could figure it out but I’m just too tired lol.

        1. mommypino says:

          Claire, Me too! I don’t get emails anymore. I just have an open WordPress browser on my phone and in my WordPress account I see the responses. But even there, I don’t see all of the responses in a thread. I only see the responses when they replied to me but I can’t read the responses that were replies to the other commenters on the thread unless I go to the blog itself. Which I can’t do on my phone because for some reason it is being blocked in my browser. 😓

          1. Claire says:

            Exact same here. I need to figure it out and I’m able to certainly—I just haven’t made the time. It’s a pain in the butt. Also—if you access and sign in and comment on safari (for instance) you won’t get replies on your word press app..

          2. mommypino says:

            I haven’t downloaded the WordPress app. My phone is full of pictures of my kids so I only have very little memory left so I try not to download apps. I go to WordPress through a safari browser and through there I can also visit the blog but what I can see is limited compared to visiting the blog directly through safari. Like the polls for example don’t show up at all so I have to borrow my husband’s iPad to answer the poll.

          3. Claire says:

            This just needs to be easier. Maybe I’ll call Zuckerberg this evening and put him to task. He needs to take it over and clean it up. He ain’t no dummy.

  3. Narc noob says:

    How do you define “normal”?

    1. foolme1time says:

      Narc noob, Exactly! 😉

      1. Narc noob says:

        Seriously though. I think HG says it’s anything but a co-d, narc or empath.

    2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dear Narc noob,
      How do you define “normal” ?
      The middle of two extremes
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  4. foolme1time says:

    Narcissists aren’t the only ones that say this! I don’t know how many times over the years and yes just this morning I have said the exact same words?! I just cannot do this anymore! I’m done!

    1. foolme1time says:

      My last comment did not refer to a narcissist but someone I had to block on Instagram! Grrrrr!

    2. Leolita says:

      I so agree with you, FM1T. I have heard this more from myself than from the narcissists in my life.

      1. Leolita says:

        But my ex narc used to say this every time he had gone too far, instead of an apology. So he kind of punished me further by saying «I cannot do this anymore» and denying any blame for the situation and not offering an apology ….Very disturbing…

        1. mommypino says:

          Leolita, instead of apologizing he said, “I cannot do this anymore.” It sounds like he’s a Mid-Ranger. IMO they’re the most annoying out of the schools of narcissists. After being jerks they act like they are the victims and they do the passive aggressive attack of pretending to take the high road.

          1. Leolita says:

            It is kind of difficult to put him in one of the schools- he has traits of an middle lesser, because he has been violent. But that seemed more like a deliberate choice rather than a knee jerk reaction – and it did not happen nearly as often as the scilent treatment and the sulking, so I am thinking he might be a lower mid ranger. He used charm and a big pity play to gain my «friendship», in the beginning.

            I have consultation HG and he said that he was a ML- but unfortunately I forgot to say many things that might put him in the MR school, afterall. He is very good at manipulating and gaslighting. And very effective in smearing me to all his friends and family. So I agree that he has many traits of the MR.


  6. Narc noob says:

    HG, what is your view of the justice system and when it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. Can you give some feedback where the L, MR and G are concerned. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What do you mean by my view of the justice system? Do you mean when should you turn to it with regard to a narcissist?

      1. Narc noob says:

        Yes thanks.

        I wrote this elsewhere (see below) but couldn’t find it again. Cheers! 🙏

        HG, I recall your writings concerning the creature, and in order to keep it under control fuel must be sought on a constant basis, your survival mechanism?

        I would appreciate your feedback when it comes to your views on the justice system, specifically? Ie, what I have seen here is that GOSO and NC are implemented to force the perpetrator to look for survival elsewhere. There are some cases that law inforcements need to be bought in, and sometimes the facade will go tumbling due to the type of fuel matrix that has been sourced.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes fuel is required to maintain the construct which keeps the creature imprisoned.

          I do not understand what you are asking me in your final paragraph NN. Do you mean that if law enforcement is involved this will damage the façade? If so, yes, this can happen.

          1. Narc noob says:

            The way in which MRN controls his fuel matrix could be taken away. He uses this unique knowlege and skill 24/7 in keeping it in check and making his system run smoothy. If this application were taken away, he would not have the current success, his fuel matrix, the way he knows it, would likely come tumbling down. A whole new game would need to be reconstructed.

            This related to SMH post you responded to also.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Describe how the fuel matrix – the entire fuel matrix – is constructed.

          3. Narc noob says:

            Perhaps not entire. It doesn’t fit for the postman, the waiter, or the other lesser that gives a dallop of fuel.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Exactly, I am pleased you have worked that out. There may also be elements to the fuel matrix (both tertiary and secondary sources) that you are unaware of. Thus there might be a large dent or hole made in the fuel matrix, but causing its complete collapse is nigh on impossible. You would have to stick the narcissist in a hole in the ground without any communication methods for that to happen.

    2. shesaw says:

      Narc noob, Sarah touched on this subject (‘let sleeping dogs lie’) in ‘Hiding from yourself’ (comments date from 1st of april).

      We started to discuss a bit, but replies only came through now and that possibly put the conversation to rest. I find the subject interesting and I hope for a continuation. Join if you like!

      1. Narc noob says:

        Thanks Seesaw. Will check it out.

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