The Final Discard. Except It Is Not That


“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it  really is over.”

“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”

“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”

“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”

The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.

It really is over.

So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.

Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.

The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.

The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.

The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.

There is no such thing as a final discard.

There is no such thing as a discard.

There is only ever dis-engagement.

This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.

We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.

If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.

If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.

If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.

If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.

Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.

It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.

What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?


As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.

This includes

  • the type of narcissist you are dealing with
  • how your fuel was regarded
  • whether you provided character traits
  • whether you provided residual benefits
  • whether you are with somebody new
  • whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
  • how easy it is to contact you
  • how easy it is to make physical contact with you
  • whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
  • whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
  • whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
  • whether there are obstacles
  • whether there is a risk of wounding

Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.

No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.

We do not discard.

We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

There is no final discard.

And that is my final word on the matter.

14 thoughts on “The Final Discard. Except It Is Not That

  1. Kelly says:

    HG, you say that is your final word on the matter, but those were yesterday’s words! Lol j/k go easy on me!

    1. Lapine says:

      Good evening HG, how can I decipher if I’ve been merely dis-engaged from or devalued and dis-engaged? I believe that I wounded my mid-ranger. I live overseas and my mother was suffering from terminal cancer. I would travel to visit her in my home country every 2 months for 2 or 3 weeks at a time and during this period I discovered that my narc had commenced a new relationship. Massive shock as he was very supportive and loving towards me and I had no indication of what he was doing. I got « she’s just a friend BS »
      I wanted to know the truth so I discovered the contact details of his new lady and asked her if she knew who I was and if she would like to meet me and hear my story because I’d like to hear hers. Upshot was we met up and both felt utterly sickened by what we each had to say. We formed an alliance and both completely blocked him. He has lost me and lost the new lady. He door stopped me begging me to listen to him and with tears in his eyes telling me how nobody would talk to him. The new lady told « the coterie » what he’d done. I found your site, thank God and eventually followed your advice and I’ve gone total no contact,I even drive out of my way so I don’t drive past his office and cut ties with mutual friends.I’ve done what I can so I don’t appear in his spheres of influence. So far your advice is working and all is quiet and I’m feeling so much better and life is returning to normal. He’s à promenant local businessman with fingers in all sorts of pies and I worry that I’ve not heard the last of him. What do you think ? I know this is a long post but I’ve condensed it as best as I can. Thanks H G, your work is literally saving my sanity.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Hello Lapine, I am pleased that my work has helped you. To understand what has happened to you and then to be able to make sense of it, the best approach would be to arrange a consultation with me

        1. Lapine says:

          Thank you H G for your reply. It’s funny but I haven’t actually thought about the narc in weeks until I received your reply. I’m feeling happy in myself and at peace. A big part of my current state of happiness is in part due to studying your work and understanding what I had been ensnared by. So many things just didn’t make sense and now they do. Your detailed explanation of what no contact actually means and how one should implement it, being most helpful. I followed your advice in your articles and it’s worked for me. He’s now completely irrelevant to my life. His behaviors and manipulations are just so boring and tedious and I really don’t care anymore.

  2. Veronique Jones says:

    What if we grey rock the narcissist HG will he get the hint???

    1. HG Tudor says:


  3. FuelFactory says:

    I am the ipss and sometimes the ipps of what I believe to be a mid ranger for about 6years now, we spend an immense amount of time together as we work together, my husband trying to protect me from the horrible behaviours of “my friend” has told the mid ranger to never contact me again after a horrible disengagement that occurred between us.
    Will the narc see this as challenge fuel? Or is the use of a third party not ensnared by the narc likey to result in him just fading away despite the fact we will still be in close proximity to each other? It has been 2 weeks with no contact so far.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. I suspect you are not the IPPS of the narcissist because you have a husband. You will be a Shelf IPSS or Shelf DLS.
      2. Your husband’s warning will be Challenge Fuel to the Narcissist.
      3. You will be hoovered.

      1. A Girl Is No-One says:

        When my MR dis-engaged from me for the first time (after I’d lost control and told one of his female ‘friends’ about what he had said about her), I completely lost it. I thought that was it. I was up most of the night being sick/headaches). My calls were being ignored and so we’re my texts. After a stupid amount of texts over the space of 3 days, he messaged “I am blocking your number from my ‘phone”. After I’d poured my heart out, got angry, poured it out some more and then (as a last resort) threatened him – to which he said he would call the police. I was in a state of bewilderment at it all.

        I shut myself down after that and tried to carry on as normal until 5 weeks later when he hoovered.
        Then, 2 more dis-engagements for similar reasons (my questioning and getting gradually passed off). I’ve now completely dis-engaged from him… but for a long time, after those 3 major episodes, he didn’t do it again, even though I hadn’t changed. I would be the one saying I would block him and he would be the one saying “Don’t. No need. I’ll be here if you decide to talk. I will not block you”.

      2. A Girl Is No-One says:

        Mr Tudor,
        Would you ever consider doing a one-off ‘one question answered’ each post as a once in a lifetime free-for-all….


        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not understand what you mean.

          1. A Girl Is No-One says:

            Creating an article which is titled somewhere along the lines of ‘Ask HG and be answered’, where we all get to ask you ONE question and get it answered ❓

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you for clarifying. This is essentially how the blog already works – people ask questions, I answer them. If more detail is needed to enable me to answer and/or I need to convey a lot of detail then a consultation is required. Sometimes the question has been asked many times and I do not answer to save time. If the answer is in an article or book I will direct the person there (again to save time) or K will direct that person there. The vast majority of questions are already answered.

          3. S says:

            Ok, thank you for explaining.

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