Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?


“He is always in my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

9 thoughts on “Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?

  1. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    Certainly, if we were the constants in the life of the narcissist, we can say that presence and emotional thought are the constants in the life of the narcissistic victim.
    From my experience, I can say that my narcissist during the time of disengagement was always going around in my mind. It appeared like a ghost, due to certain reminders, music, movies and advertisements, smells, places etc. (Always presence)
    It is true, that in long periods of time this also disappeared. And this was a relief, because you can make a quiet and moderately normal life.
    Frankly, this was what in my case led to the worst of the whole narcissistic process. For I did not understand how he appeared and reappeared in my mind so machaconamente, again and again, disappeared and came back without prior to viso again. It was really so insidiously annoying, insufferable and exhausting really exhausting. One of the worst things I have experienced, programming your mind for Self-torture.
    Because the wounds would reopen again during the time he took over my mind. And in instance, though I was not with him, I experienced him again as if he were with me. The insidious emotional thought is so strong that it reaches such a point that he wasn’t even important or relevant. Only pain.
    You are left alone with Self-torture and pain.
    Emotional thinking is fucking strong and insistent. and it comes back again and again, that as if you push the button of a replay it constantly reproduces until your exhaustion, Flagelándote again and again in an endless loop.
    This thought was embedded and enquired in me, so that it was in my mind almost all the time of my decommitment, and I could not release it until relatively recently.
    This is the “emotional thought” in action, in which you fall and torture yourself and the pain is so immeasurable that you prefer any other pain before that. You literally live your personal hell.
    If you control this emotional thought, it is over!
    This is his masterpiece, his Queen of Mental Chess piece. Decapitate them and you will have the game won. Jake Mate to the narcissist.
    This perpetual thought, from my point of view, is the worst thing I have taken from the narcissistic process. More than devaluations or manipulations since this thought returned insidiously when you least expect it, it comes at any time and occasion even when you are at your best.
    That’s how I lived it and that’s how I tell you…

  2. Jules says:

    Yes, the narcissist is constantly on my mind…because a deception is taking place and my instincts have already realized this. One time I literally had the word, “danger” flash in front of me when talking to a “lesser” narcissist. (A very persistent stalker, but not physically dangerous.) Your instincts often know danger and will work overtime to get you out of the situation.

    1. pavotdeschamps says:

      So true, Jules. I seem to have mostly retained the warnings – for me to analyse now that the fog has cleared. Nevertheless, those warnings acted as radio static or white noise which prevented me from totally falling into the claws of the narc.

  3. Caron says:

    I think about him all the time, I still sometimes dream about him, and I feel the ring on my finger at least once a day. I am just over a week back at no contact, and I haven’t worn the ring since last October. Last night in my dreams he left the order of narcissists and so they set about trying to kill him. He went “good.” We were not back together. I can look at pictures of him now without yearning for him. That is what is missing from the thoughts–the yearning. I still miss him, I mean he was fun, and I could always get a text back. I forgot, though, that one time shortly after we got married he broke up with me because I didn’t hear his morning alarm and wake him up. I didn’t know yet back then what I was dealing with.

    We have been traumatized, and those are the strongest memories. But if you are anything like me, you always have a number of thought tracks running through your mind. Having one dedicated to the narc doesn’t stop me or even give me pause, not even when it was so sad and freshly bleeding. Nobody at work even knew I was going through anything except those closest to me. It’s just there like radio static, diminishing in power as time goes on. I always knew I wouldn’t hurt forever. I still think of the first one to break my heart too, and others I have loved and lost along the way. Radio static. Dial in to one of the other thought tracks and it recedes.

    Try to describe your relationship to a friend. That’s when I had to see reality. I tried to tell her why I still thought of him and wanted him in terms of the good parts of the relationship, and I couldn’t. It was never good. He was cheating and lying and hurting me right from the beginning. I had golden times, of course, when he wasn’t hurtful, but the reason they were SO good was because of me, and I can do that with and for someone else now, and I don’t have to bring the pain like a narc does. I can have mostly good all the time, and epic quite often.

    I met my narc at a honkey-tonk. I danced with him in three lessons, and never thought it would become anything because he was so much younger than me. I flirted with him shamelessly because he was cute. The third time, we talked more and had a connection, and he asked if I’d like to go for a Harley ride. Come on, it’s a Harley! I said yes. We went to Rincon Pass and were stopped by rain water across the road, so what did we do? We parked the bike and went wading and danced barefoot in the street. Before I went home I made him laugh by showing him that the last song I downloaded was “Yoda” by Weird Al. None of these particular things will ever happen again, but I still have a good life with epic times. And now I am not being hurt.

  4. Claire says:

    Almost non-existence at this point except for the frustration of having to deal with the divorce process. I was initially enthralled/appalled at the thought of the “replacement” but I just don’t care now.. My girls asked why she looks so old—I without thinking told them to be nice. I feel sorry for her. He has taken low hanging fruit and is milking her like a cow. It makes me sad to hear my kids make fun of her because I know what is next. The key was to never look at social media. Period.

  5. Kiki says:

    HG thank you this one article s very timely for me .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  6. katebd19 says:

    HG, you could not have described it better. As usual, perfectly sharp. I do not know if I will be able to erase him from my mind, even when I hopefully reach the point where I do not care anymore about him. Even then, I am sure that there will be times when the ever presence will appear (especially when hearing certain songs, going to certain restaurants, and feeling scents) It is as if somehow you would have marked us and the mark is impossible to erase, like a scar that even after years of closing would hurt sometimes.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

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