The Seduction Shuffle Hoover
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is not interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Word reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
12 thoughts on “The Seduction Shuffle Hoover”
I have seen my narc on several occasions as we frequent the same bar..I do not talk to his friends and mine do not talk to him so no chance of a hoover by proxy… i speak to his new supply in front of him (barmaid).but don’t mention him. I have no intention of contacting him and have kept NC for 5 months.Rather than him looking good he looks old and miserable.It is me who’s looking and feeling great. I feel 10 years younger since I left him. There has been no hoover attempt thankfully. I am aware that this may change when he grows weary of his needy new supply.. but any attempt to draw me back in will be futile…urely he senses this!
Ugh sounds like my ex. Though he hasn’t the control to not reach out. He knows my defenses with him will never go down again. I will not be friends with him… He is either gotten desperate thinking my seeing him and hearing his voice will remind me of “what we had” as he told once before. Or he is taking what fuel he Can get out of me. Angering me when I am happy and have forgotten him again, by reminding me He will always be lurking, I will never be fully rid of him. Perhaps he is still clinging to that little bit of control
You certainly do the shake ‘n vac and put the freshness back.
Hoovers were far from my mind (until I read this). My thinking was neutral on the subject. I’m straddling a surf board, with my legs in the water of this emotional sea.
I need to go on Bullseye and win a speedboat.
It’s good to know this hoover technique. Random seduction.
“You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control”.
Maybe other people need to close directly with their narcissist and tell them certain things. In my case, now you provide me with the closure. This really turned out to be much more rewarding and much more formative. I’m sure he wouldn’t have told me and explained so many things.
You mention that the victim wonders why she is not good enough for the narcissist? and this is a (Self-Assessment). In my case it’s just the opposite. My narcissist is not good enough for me.
As shares of a company we are. When my shares go up, theirs go down.
When you look at the books of accounts and see that the company cheated, hostile Opa and fraud, I inflate profits and there were embezzlement, deceit and this is in the red. Who can want to buy a company like that?
Like Lehmank brothers sank. Giants with feet of mud are.
You (rather your coterie) choose the best pics, Sir Tudor!! Letting you know I have not been hoovered. It’s been 4 yrs. But he is a socio or psychopath, which isn’t a narc, and when they’re done, they’re done. Things got VERY bad for him – even homeless, but he still didn’t contact me. That surprised me as I was always nice to him, and he was desperate, but no. If he didn’t contact me at that point, and in same city , he won’t ever. As his arrest brought him back here, and he lost everything due to that, he has now gone back to other US coast to live with his brother and his wife. But he was here over 2 years after getting caught. His status is recently single which means he’s not with his 3rd wife. She was much younger, with him for years through much drama, prison sentences, affairs, etc. I imagine she’s devastated + he’s rebuilding entire life. Interesting his brother is a very involved Christian in a small town, and his only family who’ll have anything to do with him. My guess is psychopath is faking it and will soon be too much for brother, or will get arrested. But I’m Hoover free. And I don’t think he’ll ever change. I listened to your video w/ the snowball by the fire: can relationship w/ narc ever work out? No, it doesn’t- for anyone. I was VERY surprised he was forced to not be w 3rd wife and moved away (he couldn’t even visit her across border), but I’m very happy), as he completely lied about her and she was so dumb to have not listened to what was told her. It doesn’t work out for them well in the end. Us empaths are so much better off. Hope this encourages someone.
Greetings HG and everyone . . . It has been one year of No Contact. However, I am having difficultly in the dating world. Wow, this article is right on for me. I haven’t been on the site for months and this is where I’m at. Situation: I initiated contact with someone I thought was Mr. Wonderful in Dec ’18. Played it very slow, very cool. I started getting that old sickening feeling something was not connecting well. Growth regarding avoidance of becoming aware before I get involved with another narc has been slow. I wounded him because he walked into a place where I was talking to another man who had approached me. Wow, I got the come hither stare connection across the room. Then the stare turned into the ye olde whore stare. I left. I still really liked this guy so I contacted him, asked him to meet me. He showed up on time with his ex, she had a baby with him 2 yrs ago, beautiful, 10 yrs younger than me . . . I tried to be a class act, held my head high, said hello to her, walked away, trying not to cry. It has been 9 quiet days, but I have been so depressed, crying all the time. Help! HG, since I initiated contact, will there be a Hoover? You know I want all of what happened to be a mix uped mistake. D*** emotions. I’m scared for myself. In the last year this is the second time I dodged a bullet.
I require more information to provide you with an accurate answer and recommend that you organise a consultation.
Wait, the dude showed up to a place to meet you with his ex? That’s some next level triangulation garbage move right there. Get the hell away from that dude ASAP and be glad YOU aren’t the one with his baby!
It’s terrible the way they can hurt you and stay in your thoughts, but you can at least act your way out of it. Find a new guy!
Stay strong and don’t devalue yourself. The love you think you feel won’t be worth much if they strip you down through triangulation like that.
HG, may I please have a hoover assessment by you?
I am wondering what kind of hoover this might be, if at all (as in, maybe I want this to be a hoover, but it’s not….):
Narc Ex has the key to my storage space (which I have rented since I have been discarded) because we were both vacationing apart, and he needed to unload some of my heavy stuff from “our” old apartment upon his return home. I did not ask for my key back, because I felt that just asking would be a fuel-offering.
Sometimes, he leaves my random mail in storage, even junk mail and magazines, even though i have given him the address of my PO Box. (All he needs to do is write “Forward to….,” or just throw it all away. He used to email me when he does this, but I ignored the emails after I discovered narcsite.com. Maybe it’s hoovering. Maybe it’s laziness?
Anyway, today I went to storage to pick up some summer clothes. I found some of my mail there (he did not notify me by email this time, which is a good thing, which means no hoovering).
However, I also found two pillows there, in plastic trash bags. I never “forgot” pillows at our apartment. I never bought them, either. In fact, I told him to keep an old single roll-up futon because he borrowed it from my storage and I do not know who was sleeping on it (secondary sources, anyone?).
I am all riled up about these pillows. I’m guessing he wants me to be.
I am thinking, “I don’t want your crap pillows! I don’t know who’s been using them!” and also, “What am I, a charity case? Needing your cheap pillows?”
These are things that I think and feel. These are things that I will not communicate to him at all (unless he somehow miraculously found this website and sees me here).
Pardon me if I am using you as a surrogate narc onto whom I can dump: but is this some kind of hoover? And if so, what kind?
Yes it is a hoover. You are being indirectly physically hoovered through triangulation.
Yes, you are absolutely right. (Of course, you know this. I am just validating it.)
I went back to storage tonight to pick up some sandals. I decided to take a look inside the bags at these pillows. They turn out to be, in fact, the pillows that I bought for “us,” for “our bed,” as he used to call it.
In the bags were also the sheets that I bought for “our bed” two years ago.
I do not know why he’s returning them to me now. I’m sure I was replaced back in October or November already. He could have given these back to me back then.
Actually, he could have THROWN THEM OUT. He didn’t have to place them in that storage unit at all. He did not have to.
I looked at them. I did not intentionally sniff them, but they all smelled like some sort of body odor (he clearly did not wash the pillows). I do not want old pillows. I do not want old sheets. I do not want an odorous reminder of either him or “us.” I am the one who ended up throwing all of this out.
Based on one of your more recent posts, I’m guessing that the reason he did this particular hoover was . . .
“To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover.”