Don’t Know What You Want



“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner. Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer. You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else. I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said? I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy. I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your Butch Cassidy.  I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist, turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured, I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant dull ache in my brown, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”

27 thoughts on “Don’t Know What You Want

  1. E&L says:

    Thanks again everyone for the support and well wishes!

    1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      E&L. Enjoy your consult. And remember, we all have narcissistic traits. Let HG help you to bring yours out a bit more to strengthen you during this time. Mine are coming out right now, regarding your consult with HG: I am envious! 🙂

  2. Carol says:

    I second Sandra and all others and repeat: This is just as sick as it is brilliant; so wholeheartedly brutal.

    Special recommendation to E&L is undoubtedly this book:

    Whole Again – by Jackson MacKenzie

    I also read 2-3 other books on the topic already, but I really like this one best. It describes how to proceed after toxic relationships and emotional abuse and it’s beautifully written. I might dare to say that I am nearly whole again. But it takes a while. We need not be impatient.

  3. E&L says:

    Thank you all, for your well wishes. I regret saying it was my birthday, as I feel uncomfortable in the spot light. I view birthdays a a day of reflection and contemplation. Yesterday, and most of the time, all I feel is a quiet defeat. I considered getting myself an HG Tudor read to better my situation but, instead have a GOSO in the works. I’m sad to think I have lived an unrealized existence. Waste o’ space. Not looking for sympathy, just how I feel, if I am to be honest. But, if spoken aloud, I am selfish, needy, crying wolf, seeking attention. So I just shut up and wither. And, because I did not speak up that means I did not try hard enough, I did not really want to feel better, I deserve my misery. Just can’t get ahead.

    1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      E&L. A consult will take you out of your own head for a while. Let someone else do some of your thinking and strategizing! Take an emotional break. HG Tudor was created to do this. Take advantage while he is around! No one can stand alone. Go sail to an Island with no people and no hollywood crew hiding in the background and then see if I am right. What you can then do is make a list of things you would have done if not sidelined. if you had not wasted time, and find a way to do them in some manner. I never got around to dancing. Just one of those odd things. I take dance/ercise classes, these days. it soothes me. Then I took a year of dance choreography. Whew! That was tough. I almost quit and even cried tears a few times: A lot of thinking and memorizing. I also studied playing chess. I have a few other things I would like to try. And a few other things I am teaching myself. Right now, my interests includes understanding Narcissism that exists in all people. E&L: You do not have to do these things in the manner you thought of in the past, but you can do some in a way that is outside of the box. I wanted to go to law school. Never happened. I refused to saddle myself with about a quarter million in debt ($250,000.00)! I was sad about this. But, one year, I visited a law school, as an alumna of the University that has the law school, and I visited a full first year law school schedule. It was weird that I did that. I did not plan it. I went to an orientation, sat next to a new law student, and he showed me his schedule, and I wrote it down, and I just went and sat in the visitors` section utilizing his schedule for all his classes, 5 days a week, and before I knew it, the entire semester had passed. I did notice some professors staring at me. I just did not look them in the eye. Plus, there is no law against what I did. Visitation was allowed. So I visited full time. lol. I took on another student`s schedule the second semester and Voila`! I had first year law school knowledge, with no exams! No debt! But, of course, no proof, no documentation. But, that knowledge I gleaned is mine. So, your life is not over. You just have to be creative and take back some of that time you lost, in creative ways, ok? Remember, time is a construct. You can play with it a bit, when it is too your benefit, only. Another true story: A man I know always wanted a big family. A woman I know was deserted by her husband that she had six children with. These 2 met and married. And it worked for them. They told him a large family is an odd desire for a man, these days. They told her no man would take that all on, all those children. The people were wrong. These 2 met, dated, married, and took back time, together, against most odds. And her new husband was not old and bad looking. He was good looking. Many told her if she did find a man, she would have to settle for what she could get. She did not. She is quite pleasant and wise, by the way. And pretty in a quiet way. And they all make a stunning family. And you know what? The children resemble him more than they resemble their biological father that left them. lol.

      1. E&L says:

        PSE, these are great stories. Thanks for sharing them. For a moment, I imagined I was with you in class and then I went home to my beautiful family. I am happy for you and the couple that found one another. And, especially for the children that have loving parents.

        1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

          E&L. I hope you can do the consult. Listening to HG Tudor calms me down when I feel frantic. And remember, sure time is linear, but remember, E&L, Time, on a higher level, is also a construct that you can jump in and out of it at times. HG says he walks through or among worlds….something like that. I understand what he means. When I `visited` that law school that one year, it was as if time had opened up for me to do that. I was in another realm that no one told me about. I only told my father that I took those classes during that year. He thought it was hilarious, at the time. I even handed some napkins to the Deals Professor once, when he sat next to me during a presentation, because one of the students brought us all chocolate chip cookies. With the good chocolate that melts and is messy. It was all so cozy, at times. But, mostly I kept very still to not draw attention to myself. But, that Deals class was so remarkable that I wrote a letter about it to the Dean of the law school. I can not believe I wrote that letter of praise, as a visitor, thinking about it right now. I was so deep in that realm at that time. Also, so many people on here right now talk about how they look back at their older posts from last year and such, and say they can barely believe how much they have grown. So next year, let`s talk about how much you grew from this birthday, and some of the new things you found do do. Grab time by the tail a bit. Do not lose absolutely all the fight in you. When I came on here, I had no fight, or barely no fight left. I am getting some of my fight back. But, Always Resisting, E&L.

    2. Getting There says:

      Thank you for sharing that, E&L! While I don’t want you to feel embarrassed, I want you to know that I am thankful that you were born and that you are here. That’s great that you have implemented GOSO! Are you able to consult with HG to help with the ET?
      I understand the “damned if you don’t, damned if you do” situation. There is no way to win. My birthday wish for you, though, is that when you get to the dry land you will be able to say “suck it, this is what is right for me.”

      1. E&L says:

        Getting There, I long to be able to believe that I did the right “thing”.
        Most of the time, I feel like I can barely breath, literally. An example,
        I will not want to eat a delicious pastry because my deceased mother is not able to enjoy it so neither should I. The only person killing me now is myself.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          If you’re going to feel responsible for something……instead of feeling that way because the dead cannot enjoy pastry, can you try to look at it as taking responsibilty for enjoying your life for those who can no longer? That would be more empathic to yourself and honour them I think. What a bleak world if we are all just existing to be punished for the inability of others to experience pleasure. Dead or alive. Hm? I’d start by buying a big ass birthday cake and eating it with my hands.

          1. E&L says:

            NA, I can hear how nonsensical my musings sound, but I entertain these burdensome thoughts constantly. Perhaps, I should call them intrusive thoughts. I have an HG consult set up.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            I wasn’t trying to imply you were nonsensical, just trying to find a way of thinking that would allow you to be kinder to yourself, but I understand that you feel unable to stop the thoughts. I’m glad to hear you have a consult booked to allow HG to help you with that.

          3. E&L says:

            NA, I did not think you were suggesting such, it was my own less than favorable interpretation of my comments. I know you are only a champion for the betterment of everyone. I appreciate everyone’s outreach, however I am embarrassed I had a knee-jerk(off) moment. I suppose I should have written HG privately. When a middle-aged, emotional ‘tween is left home alone, trouble ensues!!!

        2. Getting There says:

          E&L, I’m sorry to hear about your mom! Were you two close? Is this your first birthday without her?

          One day, when your ET subsides, you will see the positive aspect to your decision. It wasn’t an easy decision to GOSO with your family. It wasn’t one you took lightly either, but it was one you took to protect yourself and keep you safe from the harm. That took great strength and courage to recognize that you NEED to survive and live in a healthy way and then take the necessary steps!! That wasn’t selfish. You are not on this earth to be abused by anyone, to include yourself which is hard to turn off sometimes.

          Please allow yourself to be patient with you. It may take baby steps to get through this part of the journey, but patience and forgiveness of self will get you to where you need. Maybe the delicious pastry can wait until you can enjoy it with the memory of your mom. Consulting with HG is definitely worth it, if you are able. Do you know a good therapist? Along with the support system here, do you have people you can trust and lean on right now. It is not an easy thing to allow oneself, but friends love it when they know you trust them and allow them to be there for you when you are vulnerable.
          If you need to scream, scream (even if it is just screaming in your head). If you need to cry, cry. If you need to tell your sister off, write it here. Then give yourself the ability to do something else like take a shower, play music you like, go out. If you draw, drawing may help at this time. Caroline- is- fine just talked about the positive aspect of coloring on another article. If you write poetry, what you are feeling may lead to some interesting poems. Walking, with no destination in mind, allows for exercise and relief for the moment. It may not be day- to- day yet; it may be hour-to-hour until you can get to the next step.
          Is there any place in the world you have wanted to visit or something you have always wanted to do? Having something to look forward to may help a lot. Do you have faith in a higher power? If so, when you have trouble breathing, a simple short prayer may help. I like to use “help, please!!!”

          You are in your 56th year and have taken steps for health and freedom. You are strong. Hold on, world, when E&L is ready she will show you another amazing side to her!

    3. K says:

      I think a consult with HG will really help with your ET. It is very difficult when you have to go NC with your family and then you have to deal with the drive-by hoovers from your sister. It looks like you are alone and you don’t have much support IRL. It’s no wonder you are so sad. No one should be alone or sad on their birthday. You deserve better and I am sorry. Post your way through it, here on narcsite. We understand what you are going through and we are here for you.

  4. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

    Dearest HG: It is a most crazy dance with Magical Thinking and Infatuation and Emotional Thinking, Love Bombing, and Fantasy, all spinning and smiling and going around and around, all being showered with approval from the Golden Period that is seated in majesty and holding Court. Until Misstep enters the room. Then all is quiet. And everyone halts…..because all Hell is about to break out.

  5. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    This post, it looks so familiar. All my old thoughts are reflected in this post.
    There is only one thing on which I disagree.
    My narcissist was not a god… He was simply considered a man by me.

    Today, I consider him as a “thing,” similar to a man, that I didn’t really know, but thanks to you I’ve known him so intimately that I think no one, or any of his exes, will know him like me.
    So while they run after him, I run in the opposite direction. That’s the big difference. Between them and me. I am the only one.

  6. E&L says:

    Hello HG. Today I “celebrate” my 55th birthday. I have not left my home in weeks, I am so, so sad…about everything. You have identified me as primarily CoD, my sister a MMR, I am no contact, with my entire family other than hoovers I can not control like my sister driving by my home on the daily. Yet, my need to blame is still front and center; I blame myself for not being lovable, for being defective, for being pitiful, for being…Can you tell me what book to read to help me out of this thought pattern? Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are being governed by your ET which is corrupting your empathic traits – a regime is required to address this and therefore a GOSO consultation will be the most effective approach.

    2. foolme1time says:

      E&L please give yourself the greatest Birthday gift out there, consult with HG! He will literally give you your life back! Next year at this time you will feel like a completely different person. Happy Birthday to you and I hope you find the happiness and peace that you deserve! 🌻

    3. Getting There says:

      Happy birthday, E&L! I’m sorry you are staying home, sad, and blaming yourself. I hope you can fight through the ET and then spend the rest of the year celebrating the wonderful person that is you!

    4. Joanne says:

      Happy birthday and cheers to 55 years young! Please give yourself the gift of letting go of these unhealthy thoughts. You are not to blame, you are not defective. You are loveable and you are worthy. I hope you’ll consider a consult to help you sort through what’s happening and establish a go-forward plan so that you can start off the year ahead happy and narc free! 🎂

    5. 19.19 says:

      Happy Birthday. There’s still time, there will be time.

    6. Bubbles xx 😘 says:

      Dearest E&L,
      We all sometimes cry wolf, are needy, seek attention and selfish to some degree …you are not alone there my lovely
      You are not a waste of space
      You talk of defeat, unrealised existence
      You deserve your misery ????
      Who has done this to you precious one ?

      You are worthwhile
      You are lovable
      You are not defective
      You are not pitiful

      I have read many “self help” books over the years, such as …..
      How to win friends and influence people and
      How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie
      The Secret, Rhonda Byrne
      The Road Less Travelled, M Scott Peck
      Passages, Gail Sheehy
      Don’t sweat the small stuff, Richard Carlson
      Dr Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra books
      The Alchemist, Paulo Coehlo
      Beyond Blue books (Aust) ….dealing with mental health, anxiety and depression
      Relaxation books, videos and music

      Facebook …. there is Jay Shetty (motivational speaker)
      Higher Perspective
      Power of Positivity

      Please don’t feel sad E&L….you are better than you think and you have a lot more to give
      If you are an animal lover, best therapy ever (they need us as much as we need the more )

      Turning 55 is no mean feat …. a lot of people never reach that age and to that I say to you my precious, makes you very special indeed

      With the warmest heartfelt birthday wishes E&L…..and I would very much like to look forward to wishing you Happy Birthday on your 56th
      Cheers beautiful person 🥂🎈
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  7. empath007 says:

    I can’t tell you how many times I heard this speech. It’s eerie sometimes how accurate this blog is.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I think you meant to use ‘brilliant’ rather than ‘eerie’

      1. Sandra says:

        Just as sick as it is brilliant; so wholeheartedly brutal.

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