A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 15

A LETTER TOTHE NARCISSIST -NA'S LETTER.jpg

 

I was 5 years old when she brought you home. She was 9 years your junior with 2 small children, a low paying job, and no contact with family due to her having brought shame on them by having children out of wedlock. I imagine you couldnt contain your glee but then you didnt have to because it was all the more effective to appear smiling at me and inviting me to a game of hide and seek. You remember dont you? I hid, and while you found me, you looked at me crouched there and into my eyes to announce “not here!” So you could leave me there and return to your seduction of her while she prepared lunch. Of course, I didn’t know all of this then-just that I was confused, that you lied, and that I didn’t like you. I also know that you never smile at me again unless she is in the room. I emerge from my hiding spot to announce: “you found me”. You reply that you did not see me. I say “you’re lying”. My mother is horrified and you are not smiling. She orders me to apologise. I do not and reply that lying is wrong.

You continue to visit. She seems happy and tells me to be a good girl so I try to like you. You largely ignore me except to tell me that I must be smart because I ask a lot of questions and tell me that children should not question adults. My mother adopts the approach that children should be seen but not heard. You turn your attention to my baby brother and I tell you not to touch him. I am sent to my room. This is where I will be sent on your subsequent visits. Seduction of her is complete.

Soon after we move in with you and she must give up her job for a time. We are now completely dependant on you. Bravo. There is a violent incident but it does not involve us and is offered as evidence that you love and will protect us but it was not now was it?

Soon there is arguing and crying that in time becomes violence. I am threatened to stay in my room door closed with my brother but I hear everything. I hear that my mother is a whore. Strange isn’t it? We all know that it was your mother that left you and all your siblings to run far away with another man and cease contact with you all. You could never face her as the true whore when you grew up and interacted with her, so you spent a lifetime substituting and punishing others for her. That is not the action of an omnipotent God but rather a shameful coward. You can protest all you want but that clawing, empty, cavernous feeling deep deep down tells you what we both know. Not very bright for a god. More accurately cowardly projection.

I tell my mother we should go back to live at our apartment. She says things will be better now and I will have a new brother or sister and isn’t that exciting? I feel only fear. She is not happy anymore and sleeps a lot. She never plays with me and we never see the friends who visited us at our apartment. Bonded to you with child and isolated. All going according to the manual thus far.

As I grow older and take on a mother role to the others as she is either working, sleeping, or suffering your abuse. You will repeatedly criticise me but tell her that I am a better housekeeper and mother than she could ever be. Of course you are really talking to your own mother but you lack the intelligence to identify that. Not very bright for a God. Triangulation.

She is like the walking dead and I wonder with disgust if you view me as her replacement as you make comments about me developing into a woman. You tell me that I better pray nothing happens to my mother and that if I dont keep my mouth shut it might. That I won’t see my siblings again because “two of them” are yours.

She keeps me up at night with her when you are out hoping it will dissuade you from violence when you return.  I am scolded when I fall asleep. You do everything you can to make me cry but I just stare and answer when required until you fall asleep. My school suffers from lack of sleep and time spent wishing you to be wheelchair bound or get cancer.

I meet someone equal to you physically and agree to marry him if he will accept my mother and siblings also. She says she will leave now that she will have a place to go. We marry and she reneges because of course-she has been subsumed by you.

I am separated from them physically but never let go and constantly monitor until they can leave themselves. You and she can have each other in sickness. After all, it was her right to do things her way,  or at least that’s what people tell me now.

And well, you know the rest…on and on checking the boxes to your illness. Yes, that’s what it is–mental illness. Not greatness, not power, but an illness so debilitating in showing you your weaknesses that you take pieces of others to attempt to become whole.

But you did not become whole. You became a shadow of yourself. Lonely and unable to keep up the facade as more people witnessed the mask slips and distanced themselves.  So much so that at your funeral when people offered something kind about you I smiled and said: but then you can be forgiven for not having really known him. It caused confusion for some but there were plenty who gave a knowing look and a quiet nod of acknowledgment. What they suspected to be true.

It was the cancer I had always hoped for you that  finally arrived. You told me and I pledged to keep contact. You were delighted thinking I would be helpful as is my nature to others. Oh, and I suppose some control over me. But it was really only so that I could watch you die and I hoped it would be painful. Funny that it was me you had the nurse assist you with calling to tell me that you were “not good” at the end as I am not “one of yours”.

Oh I came. We had some time together separate from the others. You could hear and understand but not communicate so well. I had no such difficulty. I explained quietly that you had no control over this, just as you had not really had any control over anything. She was sick also and gave you what you needed believing you could save her, but you were not that man. You were small and cowardly and never achieved anything of any value to anyone. You were not a master of illusion but only of your own delusion. You never could break me. You got her but she was broken to begin with so where’s the power in that?

Your mother was a whore.
You were never loved .
You are a coward that no one will remember.
Those you deemed weak are all still hear.
You couldnt even fool a 5 yr old.

Enjoy the blackness that is coming up from your insides to consume you.

NA

17 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 15

  1. Narc noob says:

    This was disturbing and hard to read. It was also somewhat encouraging. How fortunate that you have come out the other side not broken but more equipped and better for your experience.

    I have been watching children in the past few weeks actually and how they relate to adults, narcs included. They do have insightful ideas and opinions, their body language can also tell a story.

    It is good to put a blogger to their story. All the best and thank you for sharing xo

  2. LC says:

    This…. is….. such a sad read and it leaves me groping for words. It made me cry and I’m thinking about my friend U – and grieving. She grew up with this kind of step narc. He destroyed her sanity. She is schizophrenic now, paranoid delusional. That your soul survived this man intact – is something to be truly grateful for. I only now realise what he was reading this blog, reading your story which so resembles my friend’s, except she was two or three when he moved in. Her brother was five. He’s okay(ish).I hope your siblings are well. As well as you seem to be.

  3. Kelly says:

    Wow, NA. Mine is just a stupid man. Smh. To think of a child having to suffer seems so much worse. With no choice. No chance of escape. I am sorry. But now you’re fierce and a great source of wisdom and encouragement for us. Hugs

  4. Joanne says:

    Wow NA, you and I have a lot in common. I too had a disgusting narc stepfather and as the oldest (and only child not “his”) assumed a role of protector to my younger siblings. I was also born out of wedlock but my mother did not bring him into our lives until I was much older (12). It’s amazing how even as children we can pick up on those bad vibes. My mother would beg me to be nice to him even though I KNEW he was not a good guy. It sickened me to see her give her life (and mine, as a result) over to this loser.

    I also witnessed emotional and physical abuse. I did my best to protect everyone. When I was older, I told my mother I’d help her run away and start new lives. She wouldn’t leave. It was such a crazy dynamic.

    My mother became terminally ill when my siblings were in their teens. We found out he had lined up a wealthy widow girlfriend before my mother even died. Soon after, I became like a second mother to them. It was not easy for me or for them. By the time they started college their father was out of their life entirely and years later, we learned (by chance) that he died. I can only hope he died a cold, lonely death and that he’s suffering for all eternity the way he deserves.

    Didn’t mean to hijack your letter here, NA. Just wanted to let you know how much I can relate. I hope you are in a good place now, in a healthy relationship and that your siblings are ok as well. I hope you were also able to find some closure at the end of his life when you had your say. I give you a lot of credit for taking the high road in being there after all you’d been through. You’ve certainly risen above so much to become the pillar of strength you are today. Hugs to you 💓

  5. Veronique Jones says:

    HG my uncle who is dead now was like this but also a incestuous predator anyone boys girls women any family members not sure about men but he did spend a lot of time inside with many convictions I think he was a lesser but the man was very intelligent as well
    So maybe midrange just before he died he told me he feared me because I never showed him fear and asked for photos of me of course I didn’t give him anything he seemed to regret hurting me said I was always his favourite person I felt nothing for him at this point all I saw was a shell of the monster he was was this just a Hoover or is it possible that it was the truth he ended up alone his body was found about a week after he died

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It was a hoover and a Pity Play.

      1. Veronique Jones says:

        And all this time I genuinely thought he sorry about everything and had some guilt for not forgiving him before he died on the upside the pity play didn’t have results he wanted thanks 🙏

    2. Claire says:

      Hi Veronique—my babysitter’s then teen son did something sexual when I was too young to recall—I genuinely don’t remember anything other than a few weird things but anyway.. I don’t know how it was discovered or anything as my family never discussed things but the situation was arrested and life went on. Impact on me certainly perhaps but I really just don’t recall. I ran into him at a bar once and talk about smooth and apologetic.. I was unfettered by it. Pity play yes, and it was a Hoover. Just disgusting. Anyone with a sexual tendency that they act on toward kids just needs euthanasia. I reconciled this a long time ago but your post made me recall the scenario.

  6. Mercy says:

    NarcAngel, this one was hard to read. I put my phone down twice before I could bring myself to read it. You are a symbol of strength on this site. To imagine you as a vulnerable 5 year old in this environment is heart breaking. 

    I didn’t know that you were there with him in the end. I’m glad you got to say your peace. I know how important those final words are. In the end he was the vulnerable one with you in control. 

  7. empath007 says:

    I could not getting past reading the first paragraph. I had tears in my eyes.
    Hurting an innocent child… the lowest of the low.

  8. nunya biz says:

    You are brave, NA.
    Made me cry.
    Love, xo

  9. foolme1time says:

    Windstorm you’re back!!! 😘😘🙃

  10. Lisa says:

    Hi NA, I had completely forgotten about this letter, but I must have read it because I’ve commented on it and asked you questions back in 2017. It’s strange how I forget information on here sometimes , I guess it’s because there’s so much of it. It gives me some comfort to read this and in particular some of your responses regarding your mother.

  11. foolme1time says:

    NA I have read this post a few times over the years and each time I feel a sadness and hurt for that little girl, however this time even though I still feel that hurt and sadness, I feel and see something else. I see the woman you have become in spite of that abuse, I see the, intelligence and logic you bring to this blog, I also see a strength that can be matched by very few. I have seen you time and time again protect people on this blog, people who have not found there voice yet due to years and years of abuse and not feeling worthy! I have seen you put yourself in front of these people, the weaker ones, just as you did for your siblings as that little girl years and years ago, taking on the abuse and bullying that sometimes goes on here! We all leave this place at one time or another, I want you to know when it is my time to leave, I will take you with me! You will always hold a special place in my heart! I will always be great full for the times you stood in front of me, before I found my voice! I will always have the utmost respect for you, and hold you in highest regards! As for the man that did those things to that little girl and her family, I hope his soul rots in HELL for all eternity!! Thank you NA! 😘😘💞

    1. Claire says:

      I love her insight that he couldn’t even fool a five year old. Reminds me of my oldest daughter hating her step father early on. I rationalized that it was “really ok” because it wasn’t like “he was abusive” right? The passive aggressive shit employed and subsequent mind fuck is a miserable substitute for getting the shit knocked out of oneself. All these people suck in their own individual ways.

      1. foolme1time says:

        Claire at times the emotional abuse destroys a person more then the physical abuse ever comes close to doing.

        1. Claire says:

          I agree absolutely. HG is pushing these through fast today! Physical abuse is so scary for kids though—it is all so ridiculous.

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