Showing Restraint






In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

6 thoughts on “Showing Restraint

  1. screwyoudick says:

    You threatened to kill me. What a surprise it must have been when 2 deputies showed up to seize your guns! And to find a bumper sticker on your bedroom mirror “take my gun from my cold dead hand” HA! Too bad you’re a coward!

  2. Dearst HG: I only had a restraining order served to an individual once, and against an individual that I just met and barely knew him for around 30 days in total. All this drama over someone I knew for around 30 days. I call it 30 days because that is what the detective called it. The detective referred to the Narcissist as, `The 30 Days Guy.` I will skip the story, but I remember when the detective read to me the workings of the restrainer order against this person, that my eyes glazed over, as I listened to his wrote reading, and his voice and his eyes glazed over as he read the ins and outs of the restraining order. However, I still Was Struck on how many ways I could make the restrainer order invalid! I was surprised and disappointed that too much of the Burden of keeping the order intact was on me, from my point of view! I had the burden to keep reporting the individual. If I had a conversation with the Narcissist on the phone, I made the order invalid (unless I said, I can not talk to you per restraining order.) If he were 100 feet in my vicinity and I did not leave, I made it invalid (he lived in my apartment complex). If he entered the elevator and I did not leave the next floor or stop, I made the order invalid, etc. If he sent me something or put something under my door and I accepted it, and did not return the item to property mgmt. and call the police, I made the order invalid, and if he knocked on my door and I spoke to him, I made the order invalid. There were other ways that I made the order invalid, that dealt with other by proxy, that I have forgotten. Also, it expired at certain points, and if I did not renew it it time, it was invalid. So, I was angry and I said to myself, so this is how you play a restraining order? Well, I am calling the police for every possible violation, even if I call 20 times a day, I said to myself. And I did so. The police and my apartment complex were shocked that I followed the order to the letter. I could tell by their irritation, but they were helpless to go against their own rules. It was a merry go round of police and detectives and property management coming to my apartment complex and my apartment, until they finally tired of him. Because, every time I picked up the phone, and he was on the line, I called the police. To the point that he was evicted and at end given the option to leave the state or go to jail. He left the state. I was vigilant in calling the police for every violation, in case he taped me, or did anything to show that I made the order invalid. Because if I made the order invalid, I would have to start the process all over again. And, have a strike against me in the future, with them all, regarding this individual. HG, who wants to call the police at 3 am, in the morning, because this person calls? And then go through the process and paperwork at that time of hour? One wants to hang up and sleep, but I refused to make that order invalid in any way, per their rules, not mine–rules burdensome to the victim, to me. But that`s the way they say they wanted it, (it was not), and that is how the rules were written and verbally reiterated to me, and so that`s what they got, and the police and the property management in my building all finally tired of him, but, they also were really shocked that I followed the rules of the restraining order to the letter, HG. The way they all were so exasperated, I thought to myself, victims probably end up making their own restraining orders invalid out of sheer exhaustion from dealing with the person restrained. And not reporting an incident or 2 and it blows up on them and their order becomes invalid. Unbelievable. The rules give too much burden to the victim, and I made them all live through their own rules. My burden became their burden as well. Excellent. However, this was quite a few years ago. This happened in NYC in the United States. My experience with a restraining order was that one and only time , and the entire experience was quite unpleasant and disappointing.

    1. sunnHekili says:

      PSE~ Good for you!!!!!♡👍

      1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

        Sunn. Thank you. It was such a drag. And exhausting. The threats. The knocking on my door–the following me outside the complex. Leaving items at my door. The calls. They really gave him a chance, and kept trying to reason with him. Pointing out to him that: you barely know this lady. Leave her alone. They reasoned so long with him that I am lucky that I am okay. Because he had rights they said, as a tenant in the same complex. Unbelievable. But he was in some sort of: How dare you not want to see me mode, or something. It was crazy. And scary. They changed the bylaws of tenants in the complex after this incident, because he abused whatever rights he had and they were able to see the flaws in their bylaws, that I exposed by my sheer tenacity in reporting him to the police and to the apartment complex, and that he made a mockery of. The bylaws almost favored him more than they favored me, the victim. Unbelievable.

        1. sunnHekili says:

          PSE~ I had almost the exact same experience. No TRO, thank God. He lived below me, young bipolar guy, off his meds and sky high manic. Loud as hell, never slept; so i never slept. It took 2 years for him to be evicted because “he just needs a little help,” and “he has rights.” Yes, unbelievable and unfair. I admire the tenacity you displayed thru your exhaustion!

          1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Sunn. Thank you. There is a latent embarrassment in society, that it is not the utopia that it advertises itself to be. So, society loves to say, for example, crime is down, education is up, etc. Why? Because the leaders are guilty in running a bad shop, but still want to appear as rulers in a benevolent and wise aristocracy, so to speak. And whomever complains is pointing a finger at them, they feel subconsciously. So they hate the messenger, especially when the messenger is bringing the truth, when the truth is bad news. The police, the detective in the case and property management of my apartment complex all were more irritated at me more than they were with the narcissist, and he was the charming type, well dressed and very well spoken. But, because the trail of my official complaints were becoming so worn, I told them that I had all of their names, and titles and phone numbers, and that I kept a journal and a diary, and that we would all go down together if he hurt me, and the fallout would be all over them, and I showed them my written timeline of all my complaints, with all of their applicable names with dates and times, and what violation he committed, and to whom I registered each complaint. They looked horrified when they saw it. They tired of him completely for their owns sakes really, after that. They never had any concern for me.

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