In The End It Has To Hurt


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

13 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt

  1. Kim e says:

    I LOST YOU!!! I think I replied to you somewhere and never heard back and now you are lost. Or did you virtually elope with Odin?
    I picked this thread vas HG is gonna get me out of my torment and I am sure it will be painful for me but I have faith
    Same old shit around here. Virtual cocktail and water cooler chats.
    Tomorrow is my birthday 🎁 Kinda nervous about a hoover but I can’t do anything about it so F it.
    Kids are good.
    Tell me. Catch me up

  2. Absolutely brilliant. I needed this… for understanding of him and myself…that despite every effort I make to keep things new and fresh…there aren’t enough sprinkles, syrup, or whipped cream to make my strawberry ice cream taste less stale. I am still working through a lot of ET, but this is very enlightening. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

  3. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    You are like the gardener’s dog, who neither eats nor lets others eat. This is a Spanish saying. But you love ice cream of different flavors. Life is fantastic and there is so much variety.
    Yes, it’s true!
    In my case I got tired of its popsicle stick, of bad quality and short duration. You are too quickly in every sense… Emotional, sentimental, sexual. Simply limiting, useless and sterile.

  4. Sniglet says:

    HG Tudor – I admire your work, you pushing through perseverance and negativity on your site in your work here is admirable. Just in case you ever thought I was a bitch to you. I’m wasn’t. My boundaries are different and I think you can handle them. Many cannot. You are doing great work and you are talented.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you. I did not regard you as being ‘a bitch to me’, you were inaccurate and I corrected you, that is all it is.

  5. santaann1964 says:

    I have a question Nr. h you often speak of the primary source. Who is the primary source ? Who wears the crown and why?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see the book ‘Fuel’.

      1. santaann1964 says:

        I did. Read lot of your books. The answer I thought was “Anyone” is a main source at the time, but what I do not understand is why go back to another source which was the main source if you don’t get the fuel of any sort.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          To fulfil The Prime Aims and returning to the IPPS invariably does fulfil The Prime Aims. With regard to your comment about fuel, it is usually the case that fuel is being given even though you may think that it is not.

          1. santaann1964 says:

            I understand totally because it is. Since he owes me money and I know his alternate lifestyle or who he really is which his facade he calms to be. In a way I’m scared.

  6. Marcy says:

    Explains alot HG. We are a buffet for the glutton. Our successes are never truly supported unless the Narc gets the glory. My nightmare in a nutshell.

    1. Claire says:

      “Buffet for glutton..”. Yes indeed. I am not too happy that this comment hits home.

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