To Have and To Hold


We marry. Sometimes we keep dangling the carrot of matrimony for the purposes of future-faking and keeping a primary source interested and working hard to keep our favour. Other times it happens quickly in that whirlwind of the narcissistic seduction for the purposes of ensuring that you are bound to us as tightly and quickly as possible so we have the comfort and satisfaction that you, as our wonderful new primary source, are firmly embedded and attached to us. A swift engagement with the wedding following hard on the heels. It is customary move of our kind to enter into a marriage. We give the appearance of being utterly devoted to you, smitten and with our love bombing and repeated protestations of love and desire it is little wonder that the victim readily says “yes” and has the engagement ring slipped on her finger and the planning for the wedding itself happens minutes later. Marriage is important to the narcissist. Not the actual institution, although we will make a great show of emphasising just how important it is, what it means to us and how we could not wait to get married. All good material for ensnaring the victim and maintaining the façade.

When that day comes, what goes through the mind of the narcissist when he or she is stood before the altar, in a registry office or atop a cliff overlooking the sea in a civil ceremony? What is the narcissist thinking about as the priest or registrar conducts the ceremony? What thoughts percolate through the mind of our kind with the guests all stood behind us, staring in rapt attention and admiration, smiles plastered across faces and the occasional tear trickling from the eye of the emotional onlooker? What are we considering as the hymns are sung, the readings are read and the service proceeds? I shall endeavour to tell you, from the perspective of a male narcissist by reference to a traditional ceremony. Bride and groom are stood side by side, excited smiles exchanged and eventually the vows are reached.

“I HG Tudor, take you Victoria Tim, to be my lawfully wedded wife.”

I chose her. I chose her above all of the others. She looks amazing but then so she should, for me. I knew she would look so beautiful and all these people gathered here will be looking at her and thinking how beautiful she looks and how lucky I am to have married her. There was no luck involved of course. I planned this and it made perfect sense to marry so she is bound to me now. I don’t mind them all looking because although they might be looking at her, I chose her, so their admiration of her, is actually admiration of me. I am looking forward to walking down the aisle with her. So many faces and all looking at us. I can barely keep still as it is now, knowing that so many hundred pairs of eyes are fixed on my back, watching us. This is brilliant. I should get married every week. The whole day is about us, but I know it is all down to me. I chose her. I drew her to me. I am the one that created this wonderful union and I get to spend the entire day basking in the glorious attention and well-wishes of the congregation and wedding guests. Even more of them will turn up for the evening reception. So many guests, but that is what comes of being so popular. I wonder if the Predecessor Primary Source, what was her name again, Wendy, that’s it, I wonder if she turned up. She accepted the invitation. Not that Victoria knows she is a former girlfriend but the pained look and frozen smile that I am expecting from Wendy will give me an extra special boost.

“to have to hold”

Oh she is mine alright and I want to make her happy because then she will make me happy. I do think I have got it right this time. Everything seems so right about her. She lies everything that I like. She is so helpful and caring, I picked very carefully after the disappointment of the others, like Wendy and so on. I should have invited some of the others actually. That would have been very entertaining to see their faces when I walked down the aisle with my beautiful wife. My wife. Mine. She belongs to me alright and this time it is going to work. I am sure I have selected the right one. I have her and I will have her time and time again. I know how to delight her and she responds magnificently to my touch. Well, to be honest, they all usually do, but this one, more so than the others. Another reason I chose her. Yes, she is mine to have and I am always going to hold on to her. I treat her well. I really do. That’s because I adore her. There are so many reasons why I do. She is clever, she is witty, she is beautiful, she looks after me, she understands what I need. I know that to be the case. This is why I chose her and this is why I married her. You don’t let someone this good wriggle free, so I will indeed have her and hold her Mr Priest, I will hold on to her very tightly indeed.

“from this day forward, for better, for worse”

There will be plenty of better because that is what she and I are about. We fit together so perfectly. My soulmate. I deserve her and she is delighted to have me as her new husband, I know because she has talked of little else since the engagement. It was quick but so what, you snooze, you lose as the saying goes. Yes, lots of better, we are so fortunate to have what we have, more than most people, but then we are not the ordinary people. I know I have elevated her, but she has accepted that with good grace and enthusiasm, just as I thought she would. She will do as she is told. I was pleased she didn’t go in for that modern rubbish of excluding her vow to honour and obey. If she had resisted that, well, there would have been a problem. I know some couples both say it to one another but I am traditionalist. I wear the trousers. Of course I will honour her, she knows that, but I do not need to say it, besides, I decide what I do, not some vows. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to stick to them, but if something happens, well, I have to do what is right for me. I am hoping she keeps giving me what I need and that day does not come, but if she does mess up, I don’t think she will, but let’s just say for the sake of discussion and argument that she does mess up, well I will ensure I have other options. I mean, she will be a grade A idiot if she does that, after all, she is getting a great deal with me, but you can’t be a fool and rule it out. Not after what I have seen with the other ones. I do think she is different so fingers-crossed we will not have to go down that route. So, yes I intend to honour her. Obey? You can fuck that sky high! I do what I want. I am the doer, not the done too. Obey? Seriously? That one is for her and believe me she had better fucking comply with it or there will serious repercussions, but hey, I am getting ahead of myself here, I know she will, that is why I chose her. It is important that she does obey me because that way we stand the best chance of happiness and success. If she obeys me, which I know she will, I will keep her happy and not have to do what I have done with the others. Still, let’s not think about that on a day such as this. I don’t have to obey. She will. That is all that matters.

“for richer,”

No problems there El Vicaro, I have wedge and so has she. That box is well and truly ticked. How much longer will this go on for? I think I will have a cheeky peek over my shoulder. That bridesmaid is rather tasty; Natasha isn’t it? Victoria’s friend from university. She is totally wanting some of me. There we are again, that little grin and the bite of the bottom lip. Oh yes. Well too bad Natasha, this isn’t your gig but if it does go tits up, not that it will, I will look you up, of that you can be assured.

“for poorer”

Not going to happen so no concerns about that. Easy to agree with that one man of the cloth. Come on, when are we getting finished, I want to show off the vintage champagne that I bought. That will impress her old man. He loves that kind of thing. There he is, proud as punch that his girl has been chosen by HG here. Let’s give him a wink. He liked that, winked back. You wouldn’t be winking at me like that if you know what I am going to be doing to your daughter tonight. Hell yeah. Must have laughed then, I am getting a sideways glance from the soon-to-be Mrs HG, give her the smile. There we go, melting straight away. Easy.

“in sickness and in health

Bollocks to that matey boy, who do you think I am? Some kind of fucking nursemaid? She gets ill she deals with it and anyway she can go and see the quacks, that’s why I pay private health insurance. Don’t expect me to be arsing around looking after her though, I have other things to get on with. Of course, it is a different proposition for me. I am in rude health, strong as an ox, fine mind and so on. I don’t get ill. Being ill is for the saps and the weaklings, but if I am hurt, I daresay with me it will be something pretty serious if it going to slow me down, then I know she will run around after me. After all, who wouldn’t. I am worth it.

“until death do us part.”

Absolutely right daddio. That’s the only way she is getting away from me, when either her or me shuffles off this mortal coil. This is for life.

13 thoughts on “To Have and To Hold

  1. misstasia says:

    Mr. Tudor, is it the same for every class of narcissist whether it is instinctive or knowingly? I have a feeling that a lesser or midrange is not as clever, just a thought.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Lesser and Mid Range wholly instinctive.
      Greater some instinct and largely calculation.

  2. How fitting. He told me that he was incredibly frustrated and angry that his former wife had refused to say “to honour and obey”. I wish I’d listened more closely or had read this post 18 months ago. I was ensnared, head over heels in love, believed in his fake future, and would have committed for life. He cheated on me with the very same woman who refused to say those words however, he lied to and cheated on both of us for more than a year afterwards. Of the three of us, I’m grateful I was the discard and got to escape as she still lives with his lies and there’s no doubt he will cheat on her again – he even told me so. They now live together again with their two children and a brand new baby. I am free, no contact apart from a court case to try and recover some of the exorbitant sums of money he “borrowed” from me. I am slowly healing and taking my power back. I exposed him when I named her co-Defendant. He kicked me in the head while I was down (not literally), so my former desire to protect him, his marriage and his relationship with his children died along with the last vestiges of respect I had for him. Oh darling, I am the storm!

  3. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    In this post, I don’t understand how you can say:
    “Oh she is mine alright and I want to make her happy because then she will make me happy”. If you do not know happiness, you have never experienced it, nor do you know what it is. As you can say she will make me happy.
    I suppose you are referring to the fact that you will give her enough fuel, with which to control her and soothe her old age and pain.
    But she knows that this is another magical thought.
    Because happiness I’m sure it can’t be. You and others like you are unable to feel this kind of feeling.
    On the other hand, every time I read your writings and tell us what the thoughts of narcissists are or usually are. I see that they abound in magical thought. Magical thoughts in abundance. You narcissists live in a fantastic and imaginary world quite far from reality. However, this rational magical thought from your perspective justifies your actions. And this I cannot deny.

  4. mai51 says:

    Very timely HG…. I found out today my ex is getting married to the primary source installed immediately after me. The wedding is over a year away, so it will be interesting to see if it eventuates. Will he be able to keep his mask in place for so long? Will she start to realise there is nothing behind the mirror he holds up to her?

    I will admit it has thrown me a bit…. there was a lot of future faking and marriage talk during our three year relationship, but this appears to be going ahead.

    I wonder if she knows all the things that were drip fed to me over time….. I wonder if she realises he can never hold a passport (too much outstanding child support payments)….. that was always a dealbreaker for me.

    I wonder if the many, many red flags are waving in her face, or if she still has the rose tinted glasses firmly in place.

    1. J.G THE ONE says:

      Don’t even worry, that’s another manipulation to cause harm.
      Whether you marry or not that shouldn’t be your problem. Your problem is to get out of your manipulations and through them not to control you or cause you any kind of pain.

  5. WiserNow says:

    With Harry and Meghan in the news so much this week with their new baby, I couldn’t help reading this article with them in mind.

    I think Harry looked genuinely excited and overjoyed when announcing his new baby boy. It made me feel happy for him and for the new addition to his family.

    When Meghan was asked about her feelings, she said, “Magic, it’s pretty amazing, and now I have the best two guys in the entire world, so I’m really happy.” Hmmm… I don’t know, but to me that sounds more like possessive triangulation and grandiosity than maternal love. I think I know who’ll be getting up more often in the middle of the night…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I agree.

    2. Narc noob says:

      Ha ha Wisernow! That’s the same feeling I got when I saw the introduction. I wonder!? Her dad has this MRN look that is found in 4 others I know. An expressionless type stare, if you will. I know I’ve been reading this site way too much though 🙄😉

      1. WiserNow says:

        Narc noob,
        I think I know what you mean about her father and his stare. I’ve looked at pictures of him too and he always has the same expression – sort of a half smile with a blank stare bordering on vague smugness.

        It’s hard to describe, but when you’ve been around narcissists for a long time and get to know them well, you start to recognise what their “expressionless” looks are saying. It makes me think that there’s always something else or there is more going on underneath. The expression is a cover they use to disguise their true thoughts.

        I don’t think you’ve been reading this site way too much Narc noob 🙂 I think it’s a good thing to be reading this site a lot. I read it a lot too and it helps to give me a sense of reality and to clear the fog when my ET starts rising. I’m glad it’s here.

        1. MommyPino says:

          WiserNow and NarcNoob, her father did seem hungry for attention. He reminded me of my matrinarc with his antics having a paparazzi following him in his fake preparations for the wedding such as having him measured by a tailor and buying flowers to send to Meghan’s mom. And also telling the world what him and Prince Harry talked about on the phone. I actually felt bad for Meghan there because I related to having a pain in the butt embarrassing parent. Although I stopped feeling bad for her when I have read what she did to her ex husband and old friends.

          1. WiserNow says:

            Yes, I think you’re right about her father enjoying the publicity and media attention. To me, I feel Meghan takes after her father more than her mother in that respect. I think both Meghan and her dad like to be in the spotlight, even if the attention they’re receiving isn’t very honorable.

  6. 19.19 says:

    I almost get the feeling you’re narrating from a lesser pov in this one.
    Also “She lies everything that I like.” Typo

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