I Want

i 

What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides you. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “I Want”

  1. Thank you, HG, for such clarity. I am untangling myself from a Greater N/psychopath. It started as a power exchange relationship and I mistakenly believed in the ‘rules’ of the dynamic. I turn over my power believing that he would take care of me and have my best interests in mind. I willingly turned everything over to this man. (BDSM in the wrong hands is dangerous) I was his DLS, a slave, an object, and I blindly reveled in it for a long time. I believed we had honest communication that few shared. He pushed my boundaries, which was exciting at the time. But he was slowly stripping me of my identity as he isolated me. Devaluing, gaslighting, and had me questioning everything about myself. Luckily, I somehow identified what he is and now, years later, I have rebuilt my self-esteem. He recently married an Empath and submissive woman. Although I worry for her, it frees me from him while he is distracted. I have been waiting for the right moment to run and it is finally here. Thank you for educating us about Narcissists/psychopaths and what goes on inside their minds. Hopefully, breaking this cycle so we never become entangled with one again.

  2. Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    It’s amazing this paraphilias thing. When I discovered the paraphilias of my narcissist. I also discover that by interacting with him, he also created paraphilias in me, and therefore the reasons for our obsession. This is Erotomania: Erotomania is “the delirious hallucination of feeling loved” (Ferdiere). The erotomaniac usually chases the person he feels loved by. It can lead to aggression if he feels rejected by the object he believes loves him.
    It appears as an intense and absorbing erotic compulsion that conditions behavior. It is the pathological form of so-called platonic love.
    Meet your narcissist and you will know yourself. It is surprising because through loveBoobing, how they can manipulate the human mind.
    Super interesting this of the paraphilias, little researched or developed from the narcissistic point of view.

    1. Sexual altruism: it is produced when a person by his handicap or fear to the loss or the abandonment of the loved object subalternizes to the erotic designs of this one although he does not feel them or share them.

      In these paraphilias, we can find, the fears and their necessities of control, take us to their altered states. Sex is so involved in most narcissistic manipulations, not because of its normal and natural satisfaction, but because of the various mental deformities of inferiority, handicaps and fears and full sexual dissatisfaction in an unbiased way.

      1. Sex is also emotional, as well as physical. It is possible that the emotional part of the activity is in the protected safe house along with the other emotions of the Narcissist. So the Narcissist will have sex in a different manner than what most people would expect, or are accustomed to. Sometimes, others can probably tell that something is different with the Narcissist, especially if they have had many sexual partners, or if the Narcissists wants to do things outside of the cultural norm or do things considered taboo in general, and also insists upon it, but if not, and also if the other person did not have many sexual partners in their history to judge by, and also, if the narcissists mirrors what their partner expects during the activity, or desires from the activity, and even exceeds their expectations, the person probably will not have any problems with the Narcissist`s sexuality. In fact, many on here have said they had the best sex ever, with the Narcissist. Others have said it was weird. Plus, it is mostly in modern times that sex is practically considered a sport and discussed in that manner. So, it can only be looked at on a case by case basis. If the partner is satisfied with the Narcissist`s sexuality, it is an accomplishment for both, and nothing to feel shame about for either.

  3. Thank you, HG Tudor, I really like this article. It makes me understand that the narcissist I’m involved with, belongs to the school of the greater. I have been wondering about that, because I couldn’t understand how someone who is not ‘intellectually’ smart and who hardly uses language as a weapon, can be a ‘greater’ narcissist.

    But he is, because when I read this article, I can almost hear him think. This is the message he sends me all the time. I have been watching him closely of course, and he is a greater narcissist in the way he plots and plans, misleads, manipulates and calculates. And also in the way he scares me, controls me, is part of my life, baffles me with his madness and his sadistic games. He looks like an angel, but he is evil.

    He has chosen a job that enables him to play his evil game all the time. The job is just a cover-up. Playing games IS his job; that’s why he comes to work, that’s what people pay him for (without knowing they will be demolished).

    I think he’s a psychopath. I’m wondering: do you think some narcissists are just extreme, full blown narcissists, without being a psychopath?

    1. Nadege, If you are not sure of the type of narcissist you are dealing with, HG has a few consults that would help you know for sure dear. 🌻

  4. What I remember from my (lesser MR?) narc ‘relationshit’ was confusion! Always confusion. I never knew what it wanted. And I’m talking some years worth here – hoovered after 25 years. You want me to love you or not? You want me to stay or go? Am I too clingy now? But you chased me! Then it would say IT was confused when I wanted answers! Why don’t they ever tell you, HG? Because they don’t know themselves or because they enjoy tormenting you? Turns out I was an IPSS. It lies.

    1. Kelly
      From the narcissistic perspective, telling you would be ceding control and his self-defence mechanism won’t allow that because it would equate to a fuel loss (self-sabotage). He does not know that he needs fuel and it’s all your fault anyway so you need to be tormented for your treachery.

  5. Pingback: I Want
  6. Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    I wanted to ask you, if it is not an indiscretion, what is your paraphilia?. Each of the narcissists has one or more of these paraphilias but they never talk about it. In his sex book, he doesn’t talk about it.
    It would be a good subject to be treated or developed in a post. For the motivation apart from fuel in many actions and interactions with its victims and third parties, hides behind one of them.

    1. I disagree JG—respectfully. I think there could be a boundary issue re, this subject only due the need for some professionalism.

  7. Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    There are so many things that the narcissist wants. And that maybe he thinks he can get for an x of time. But also as sand between his fingers finally gets lost. The really important thing is not that the narcissist got control of this or not. The really important thing is to finally take it away from him again.
    And this is really possible with a good education and understanding of the narcissistic theme given by H.G.
    It is only in the hands of the victim, to take control of their lives again, to get up again, for this time, not to allow their narcissist to enter their new life.
    The victim, who has found this information and understands it, I doubt that he will allow it to enter her again.

    After this, a new life and forgetfulness is what awaits him, what they do not want.

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.