“You don’t want to end up like him do you now?”

Years later those words still echo through my mind. They act as some cruel guardian which ensures that I will never stumble, never flounder and never fall victim to the injustices which this world has in store for me. I was shown what happens to those who are weak, those who fail to seize control and grasp the power for themselves. The consequences of failure were paraded before me on an almost daily basis to allow me to witness the full horror of what it was to be sub-standard, below par and just not good enough.

I knew that this fate must not befall me and that it became necessary for me to clamber higher than everybody else no matter what it took or what the cost was. So long as there was somebody underneath me on that ladder as I climbed, then, as they saying goes, the devil would take the hindmost.

Onwards and upwards, climbing higher and higher to escape the consequences of vulnerability, weakness and failure. I was given a swift induction into learning how to stay ahead and protect myself. There were two routes available to ensure that you stayed number one and the best. Strive to stay ahead of the opposition and by the opposition I was taught that this means everybody else and furthermore bring the opposition down so that they become subsumed into the quagmire of failure.

If your opponent is taller, chop him off at the knees. If he is better looking, fling acid in his face. If he is smarter, batter his brains out. If he is stronger, poison him into weakness. If he is wealthier, sap him of penny and cent. If he lives in a pleasant place, pollute the neighbourhood. If he has a good job, get him sacked. Figuratively speaking some of the time of course and that means to do all of those things, that it is necessary to play the scapegoat card. Become proficient at pointing the finger elsewhere, cultivate persuasiveness so that the allocation of blame falls on the shoulders of another, practise plausible deniability so the mantle of fault never rests on my head. Never be the one at fault. Ever. Those were my instructions.

The indoctrination continued. You are not to blame, you are not guilty, you are not the problem, you did not cause the problem either. Erase sorry from your vocabulary as you do not feel it, remove the idea of apologising as you have nothing to apologise for, do not express anything which might be regarded as guilt as that is an alien concept.

There is always somebody else who can be blamed. It does not take long for the repeated mantra of it never being my fault to engender that sense of impregnability and a lack of accountability. Since it is the fault of everyone else it is impeccable logic is it not that it can never be my fault? It therefore follows that if it is never my fault then such a fault-free individual is truly superior and stands above all others.

To facilitate this it therefore becomes necessary to identify a scapegoat or more accurately scapegoats. The role of scapegoat slots seamlessly into our thinking. Fault is an intangible concept but it exists. Someone is always to blame. I was taught that from the beginning. Things do not just happen, they happen for a reason and the reason that she was always crying, that he was always failing, that they were socially ostracised, that she could not pass her exam, that he never scored a goal, that they never went on holiday, that he could not hold down a job, that she was a single mother, that he had a drink problem, that she was ugly, that he lived in a poor area, that she was never invited out, that he died alone, that she was beaten, that he was arrested, that she was raped, that he was murdered was because they were scapegoats.

Make others the scapegoat and immunity from fault and blame follows and thus one can move without hindrance, barrier or boundary. Make him or her a scapegoat because if you do not get in first they will do it to you. Make sure you blame them before they can turn that accusing eye in your direction. Stay one, no ten, steps ahead. They deserve to be blamed. If they had any value they would not be stigmatised in such a fashion, it is their own fault.

I learnt that they may come with smiles but the blade of blame is held behind their back ready to strike, so plunger your dagger of fault deep into them first. Do not be taken in by the false proclamations of love and compassion, they are but veils to place across my eyes so a crown of accountability can be thrust on my head.

Soon, the lessons that I learned began to automatically teach me. Not feeling enough attention at a party? The guests are ignorant and impolite. Tell one that this is a case and see how the attention shifts. Served slowly at the bar? The bar man is incompetent and he should be reminded of this fact. See how he has responded now? Report not completed on time? Find a junior colleague and point out how he has failed to provide the necessary information. Criticised for not earning enough? Blame the bosses for running the company into the ground and failing to reward an achiever such as I. Feeling restless and unloved? Lash out at her so she seeks to make amends. Stuck in a traffic jam? Blame the department of transport for the ill-thought out road works. Struggling to sleep? Must be those damned neighbours and their late-night music, go and give them a piece of your mind and see how much better you feel when you point out they are at fault.

But what if it is not those things and it is because I am not interesting enough to talk to, or not attractive enough to catch the server’s eye, or not good enough at my job, or not hitting the targets because I cannot apply the required effort, or because I do not show her any affection any longer, or because I set off late from the house, or because I fell asleep this afternoon?

Never. That is what they want you to think. That is the control that they seek to exert over you. That is how they get inside your mind and try to make you think that you are weak, when you are not. Remember, they want you to be the scapegoat. They want you to be the failure, they want you to be the subject of their blaming, so you take the rap, take the hit and become the patsy. Yes, you are right, I remember now.

The diktat still resonates even now, reminding and emphasising. That is not your role. You are better than all of them. You will rise above them and to do that you must work hard at everything and ensure that they are the ones who are to blame, because they are. They are the ones who are trying to stop you achieving and claiming what is rightfully yours. They are the traitors, the insidious foes, the treacherous betrayers who spout sedition and practise disloyalty. Let them know who they are, scapegoat them.

Thus this carries into everything that we do. We find a scapegoat in every aspect of our lives. The put-upon sibling, the browbeaten colleague, the lambasted neighbour, the oddball in the local superstore, the subjugated underling, the butt of the social circle and most of all you, the intimate partner who becomes the ultimate scapegoat.

It is you that becomes the receptacle for our domineering, hectoring, nagging, bullying, blaming, intimidating, coercing, blaming, accusing, menacing, terrorising, bludgeoning and oppressive persecutions. You burnt dinner, you made the white shirt turn pink, you forgot to get that present that we wanted, you failed to satisfy our sexual appetite, you made us be unfaithful, you made us break that mirror, you made us slap you, you made us ill, you made our team lose, you cost us that promotion, you woke us too early, you woke us too late, you let us fall asleep, you kept us awake, you didn’t do it, you did it. Again.

This conditioning ensured that the only way to stay ahead, to win and to succeed was to find someone else to blame and that does not change because we know you are just waiting to try to blame us, well we know your game. We have you in our eyes and it is you who is to blame, not us.

The only way to prevent the hell of being a scapegoat is to make others a scapegoat instead.

And so I do as I do, I say as I say and I am what I am so that I do not end up like him, like her, like them, like you.

Can you really blame me for doing that?

54 thoughts on “Scapegoat

  1. Oracle says:

    You were wise Mr. Tudor. I ended up as the family skapegoat. That was a painful learning lesson. It really is the pits when you can not trust your own family. They are all gone now, except an aunt. She is the more than a narcassist though. i would not insult your kind calling her such. I believe she has done some more than questonable things. A psychopathic a killer does not always make. My question is I am empath, I can not change my stripes even if I wanted to. Could I?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, you cannot change what you are.

  2. Jarek says:


  3. NarcAngel says:

    Have you considered allowing a certain number of words/characters to a comment here on the blog as is done with your consults and with other social media?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I haven’t NA as I don’t want people to feel constrained in articulating themselves although they have to also understand what this then means as set out in the rules.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Very generous of you. And to think you call yourself a narcissist!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I’m just misunderstood NA.

          1. Twisted Heart says:

            Speaking of Psychopaths…
            HG have you watched American Gods? I think of you as Mr. Wednesday (but better looking I would assume).
            A brilliant charming psychopath with a master plan.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I’ve read a little of it but yet to watch it. Does Ian McShane play Mr Wednesday?

          3. Twisted Heart says:

            Yes and he is excellent!

        2. Claire says:

          I think he should drop the “psychopath” as is off putting and he’s entirely not!

          1. Twilight says:


            Are you saying in your opinion HG isn’t a psychopath?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I think Claire means I shouldn’t make reference to it as it may put some people off.

          3. Twilight says:


            Hmmm I don’t think so, I believe it is needed. Most people see a psychopath as what is perceived in the movies or what the media shows one to be.
            I see you showing a different view of what a refined psychopath is, one that is extremely dangerous ( no disrespect towards you) that walk amongst us. I am positive you hold many constructive dealings in your private life and the more destructive ones are being modify via your views of an outcome that will benefit you, if you didn’t have this reason to modify your behaviors you wouldn’t.

            I admire you due to finding a reason to do such, regardless of it is selfish, in the bigger picture many more will benefit by your choice.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you Twilight. I will not alter the terminology applicable to me, it’s necessary for people to know what I am so they can make an accurate and evidence-based assessment on my work. I’m clear about what I am, as many of my readers know there are a number of supposed Empaths/advisers etc who are far from being that. In due course I will expose these misleading attention seekers for what they are with cold, hard evidence.

          5. Claire says:

            This triggered a thought I had last night H.G—and Twilight. It circles back to the whole “off putting” thing. Just my personal experience.. (and I love the lively exchange of thoughts this compels)
            Last night I was on IG and hilariously I’ve only used it to snoop on my kids until H.G. was on there—but I’m rather liking it! Anyway, I noticed one commenter had an inflammatory response to one of HG’s pictures. “Do you ever work..” (something like this) I clicked on her name because I felt she was rude and maybe she didn’t mean to be—it was clearly some “narcissist I made it through the woods” handle.. Tons of followers, tons of inspirational (some rather nice) posts. YET she is an “empath” so has a shit ton of followers. It’s alluring, it allows the vision of petting kittens and feeding the poor. It’s socially acceptable. H.G. is honest by comparison and it creates a “vibe” that drives for a different audience—one more able and willing to actually really look at the material perhaps? But what about this woman’s zillion followers? They are likely post (or in a) disenchanted entanglement. Yet it’s “ok” to follow the woman petting kittens but when it comes to “psychopath” it understandably seems a bit challenging to overcome. If I tell my befuddled brothers to look at her stuff they wouldn’t think I’m nuts. I have to preface “by the way—it’s weird I know” if I mention HG’s. Now yes, that need to avert crazy thoughts is on me—but of course it comes to my mind. It’s my second divorce while they have a perfect world! This supposed (and maybe she is) empath may be many things. I hope she’s genuine. I hate to think of those who aren’t able to see honestly what people are just following blindly under the label “empath.” An empath isn’t even a saint after all! The term is used to admonish others behavior however and implies one is morally superior at times.. I’ve seen it done. Like promoting God and being a swine behind the scenes. I guarantee her work is sub par to HG’s, if it as good she is parroting his concepts because he has this down to a science. Period. No one can beat the spectrum of understanding found here. At the end of the day I wish more people could be able to see and absorb the total truth so that narcissists are forced to up their game or get called out. They are unpleasant as f**%—make lives living hell yet flourish by means of ignorance.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            An accurate explanation indeed.

          7. Claire says:

            Then we need not banter further as my thoughts are explicit.

          8. HG Tudor says:

            Banter is always welcome.

          9. Claire says:

            I’m too tired!

          10. HG Tudor says:

            Then sleep – it is the foundation of everything. Why do you think out kind use robbing you of it as a form of manipulation.

          11. Claire says:

            I will sleep but I’m shopping online. Reading make-up reviews.

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Well so long as they are not hair-raising that’s fair enough!

          13. Claire says:

            I was so tired it took me till now to get the hair innuendo. You are a fun guy. You should let your readers take you out to lunch. You can wear a Disney costume.

          14. HG Tudor says:

            No Costume, I bring my own mask.

          15. Claire says:

            For some, the term denotes a frenzied out of control sort. Narcissist is highly preferred and entirely accurate enough. Semantics yes..

          16. Twilight says:

            I see it as sugarcoating things to keep people comfortable. Not all sociopaths/psychopaths look the same to which I see brings about confusion.

            Look at HG, he is an extremely dangerous man yet what is he doing? I see him using his traits in a constructive manner, even thou yes they are driven by a selfish intentions he has found a way to be productive and help thousands of people.

          17. HG Tudor says:

            Well put and none of my sensible and constructive readers have anything to be concerned about, they will always learn and move forward. The very small minority who seek to cause trouble for my constructive majority of readers, well, they are the ones who have repeatedly given me so much material that evidenced what they are. It is rather entertaining how I don’t need to do anything other than provide advice and this very small minority keep providing me with material – they of course can’t see it but everyone else does.

          18. Twilight says:

            No they don’t yet provide examples many can view and see with out emotions clouding things.

          19. Claire says:

            Oh he’s not “off putting” Twilight—I had to re-read to see where the confusion rests.

          20. nunya biz says:

            Love what you typed about fake empaths, Claire. Good post. And not saints, I’d think an empath would say they couldn’t be anyway, because of the whole honesty thing.
            I wish narcissists would be hindered greatly because they spread things like a plague, I think partially unknowingly, partially out of instinctive self-preservation.
            The internet is a boon for N’s and the spread of rhetoric and dogma. They are like parrots. Talking to one once I was like, “what’s with the echo?”.
            And platitudes suck.

            I don’t know why, but I think the fact that HG is a psychopath calms me down, because of what he says, it takes a different meaning or something.

            I should follow my kids’ instagram accounts. I’m so not into social media. There are some decent parental controls, and of course conversations and my daughter’s is private I know. They already had an instagram incident at middle school and we talk a lot. My son likes to steal her phone when she’s not looking and publish random pictures of chickens on her account, it’s an ongoing joke for a year or so.

          21. Claire says:

            The parroting would be mirroring! Precisely.
            I’ve started following Snapchat too—I’m having a near heart condition over one child in particular..

          22. nunya biz says:

            Yeah, Claire, they can’t have real independent thoughts, it scares the hell out of me like invasion of the pod people.
            Some scary kids show up around middle school age, where damaging influence is more evident.

      2. Oracle says:

        My word how can someone not be taken with you Mr. Tudor. You can be very charming even when your not trying to be.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Oracle, I cannot argue with that!

    2. Jarek says:

      “Thank you very much”
      Greetings for chief ADMINARC.
      P.S. Do you ever let a cell phone of your hand for more than few hrs ?
      I envy your comfort 🙂

  4. J.G THE ONE says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor.
    How are you today? Hopefully well.
    I wanted to ask you, I have observed your answers to the comments and these are usually short or monosyllabic: Yes, NO, Incorrect, without reasoned explanation.
    I tend to think that as you say in this article, it will be our fault, for asking uncomfortable or annoying questions.
    This behavior in your answers is because you do not want to spend energy or simply avoid contact with your readers, for therapeutic recommendation? I would understand this point.
    I also see in the article, that not only do you not have the sense of guilt because these are placed on the shoulders of other people. And that in your vocabulary there are not many words:
    lack of accountability, responsibility, commitment, obligation, duty, task, task, burden, competence, concern. This is not at odds with having a complex of Peter Pan, the child who never wanted to grow and mature acquiring the sense, judgment, seriousness of a mature and adult person.
    It is true that it was our fault. I forgot.
    By the way, it is also my fault that my comments are not published.
    Don’t get angry I can always be your scapegoat, although I really don’t care about this point. Since I know that you read me and that’s what matters. Don’t you think?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. I’m away, hence many comments will remain in moderation until I return.
      2. I receive over 1000 communications each day. I don’t have time to answer everything in detail.
      3. Certain questions are asked as closed questions – expect a yes or no in response.
      4. Certain questions are not constructed effectively therefore I need more information and context. Further, they often require detailed responses from me. This means consultations are the best forums, that’s why I offer them.
      5. Many questions have the answers in articles and books – to save my precious time I’ll either direct people to those or if they do a little searching they’ll find the answers themselves.
      6. My responses are governed by practical considerations not therapeutic ones.

      1. J.G THE ONE says:

        Hello, H.G.Tudor.
        I’ll give you a star. Well explained and reasoned I will keep it in mind and remember for future comments.

      2. NarcAngel says:

        I imagine it would also help if some people offering criticism would remember that if almost every comment they make didn’t become a book, you might be able to get to more or be more expansive, since you are only one person and you read everything submitted.

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. FYC says:

            HG, I am amazed at the speed with which you read and post a multitude of comments. You are incredibly generous with your time and consideration.

            To NA’s point on time, I am sorry my comments, though not critical, tend to run long at times. I will attempt to be more succinct going forward. I am truly appreciative of your time and wisdom. Being here has been enlightening and healing and it has been therapeutic to speak freely. Thank you so much.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you FYC. You can write as much as you wish, all that means is that it may take somewhat longer to be moderated. This is a place for people to articulate their observations and even the ridiculous ones (of which there are actually few) are aired (upto a point as their repetitive nature proves tedious after awhile – the majority of readers know what I am referring to).

          3. NarcAngel says:

            My comment on time was not meant to reflect on the posts of the majority of the people here. I recognize that it can be cathartic to get things out (especially when new), and sometimes a subject/discussion can be complex and takes a few more words to explain. I was referring to those who write a book repeatedly and then complain about moderation or being ignored. Gratefully those are few.

          4. FYC says:

            Thank you, HG. I never worry about response time. I may be a bit repetitive in my gratitude and praise when ET is running high, but it is not meant to annoy. I do understand your reference though and I think you show tremendous restraint and are very gracious as a general rule.

          5. FYC says:

            Hi NA, I knew your intent and agreed wholeheartedly. I would be happy to never read lame criticisms, but that is part of life.

            I also realized though, that some of my posts are long and create work for HG no matter how well-meaning, so I owned up to that and plan to alter course.

            I appreciate your comments always.

    2. foolme1time says:

      JG, One other thing you should remember is the advice and knowledge HG gives us on here is free, he is not getting paid for this knowledge let alone the time from his personal life that he gives us. To pay for this knowledge which he gives us, if we would seek out a therapist or professional ( if you could find one that could do so) many of us would not be able to afford. There are also times when some on here like K or Mommy Pino, will actually take there time to find articles or comments that will help with giving you answers to questions that may have been already ask and answered in the last four years, since there are a lot of these questions that are the same. So please do not feel that you are being slighted or ignored, simply remember that you are one of thousands each day commenting and asking questions of him. He is only person giving us the answers. Take care.

      1. J.G THE ONE says:

        Hello H.G. Tudor.
        I am very sorry that my observations are seen or considered as criticisms of your work. I did that?
        I think, that was not the case.
        I think there is some misunderstanding and at the end of the comment you will understand.
        My comment was a personal observation to see some of your answers.
        This made me think about whether maybe it was a therapeutic recommendation not to actively interact with readers. (to be distant with them, seeking avoidance)
        And that’s why I decided to ask that question.

        ***((I’ve been on the blog long enough to know how the blog works and comments and answers.))

        The second point, related to my comments was launched with my typical sense of humor somewhat “scathing and ironic”.
        I said: “By the way, it’s also my fault that my comments aren’t “published”.
        In no case did I say that they should be commented and much “less answered”.
        Don’t get angry, “I can always be your scapegoat”. ((I wink in reference to the post)).
        “although they don’t really care about this point”. ((Don’t mind me, the comment)).
        “I know he reads me and that’s what matters. ***((((I know you read me)))***
        Don’t you think? ****((((((( That’s what’s important.))))****

        I don’t know what sense of humor some blog members will have, I guess it’ll be a little different from mine.
        My sense of humour is a bit sarcastic and sometimes ironic.
        And sometimes, if you read me, I do “things”…
        This comment was one of those things.
        But what I have noticed is that some people jumped immediately, to the flight after my comment, due to high empathic traits and a high degree of attachment. An unconscious need to protect H.G.
        And surprisingly all of them were published. (H.G. and his need for positive fuel and reaffirmation of his ego and self-esteem)
        H.G. assesses and acknowledges one of the commentators
        involuntary, this creates even greater bonding and attachment with her.
        Some manipulate and twist my words in a surprising way, talking about things that were not written and much less mentioned. Trying to find some kind of justification or punishment for the initial comment.
        I know, and I am aware of the great work of H.G. Tudor his great effort but that does not prevent him from freely commenting on certain things and doing experiments.
        If you pay attention to what is written I say: “Don’t get angry” don’t get angry, get angry.
        With the experiment I wanted to see how easy or difficult it would be to get positive or negative fuel for my comment.
        Although I seem to see involuntary and unconscious lieutenants in those comments because of their high empathic traits and attachment capacity.
        I don’t think H.G.Tudor needs more squires right now, in his life.
        On the contrary, I believe that these people should continue to work on their progress, as they are easily manipulated.
        The surprising thing about all this is that I am very observant of everything that H.G. Tudor and the post commentators write.
        You know this comment, that will bother more than one, is one of my new experiments.
        And all of you have fallen, jajajajajajajj
        I got fuel from everyone including H.G.
        Kisses to all and thank you for participating in this new experiment.
        It’s easy to be the center, creating a controversy. Throwing a small stone into the lake calmly and the waves grow and propagate quickly.
        All of you are very empathetic you have no remedy, as bulls to the cape you enter quickly.

        I believe that you will repeat course with H.G tudor.

    3. K says:

      You may find this search method very helpful. Underneath every article, you will find Related: click on those articles and read through the older threads and you will find many answers there.

      If you want quicker results, use the shortcut: Control+F/Command+F (mac) and a search bar should appear on the upper right. Type, keyword: HG Tudor, into the bar, (hit enter/return) and you will pull up all his comments and then you can read his answers.

      1. Claire says:

        K—you are awesome!

        1. K says:

          Ha ha ha…thank you!

  5. Sherry Luchette says:

    How to create a Cluster B personality disorder: Withdraw affection and give constant criticism

    And there you go

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Jarek says:

        Sherry is right Pal, you know it she knows it and now I know it too as other readers.
        That is so.correct that your toxic personality companions most of the time seem to look sophisticated, knowledgeable and erudite when you first meet them. Then time passes and unfortunate victim of your machinations starts seeing what is inside that beautiful cover and discovering it for many will mean mental health breakdown but for most end of the relationship with vacuous pretender. Covert subtype are the worst cause they are truly incredibly dull on many fronts.
        Sad but true

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