A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 31



I sit here with tears falling wondering why?
Why the lies? Why are you twisting the truth?
If I could go back to that moment at your house I would not say what I did, when you whispered in my ear you will regret that, something just changed. For the first tiime I feared you. I needed to know if what you said was true.
I remember the feeling that morning of betrayal, I knew you had seen the comment. How and why didn’t matter, yet it told me you were watching my every moment. I always knew yet never cared,  I loved you and had nothing to hide.
I sit here wondering why this girl whom I have never met or spoken to is telling *****I will sleep with her husband and your telling ****** I spend my money on pills, why?
Why is ****** messaging me telling me she is your girlfriend and you’re moving in together?
Why did you tell them I was abusing you? Why did you tell them I would your children, when all I have ever done was be there for you and them?
Why did you tell your mother she could no longer speak to me?
Why did you tell my employer I was a thief and violent?
Everytime I am turning around something else is happening.
******told me what you told them, I was stalking you and you feared for yours and your children’s life.
I came by once and sent one email, your reply was if I contacted you again you were calling the police.

I loved you, I trusted you.
Right now I don’t even know what to think.
My mind is a mess. I go to places we spent time at just to be with you. I sit on the pier watching the water remembering the last time we were there. I look at the things you gave me, the feather when we were hunting, and the time we found the fawn. I can’t stop the tears, I walk in the woods at night wishing something anything would come and kill the pain, the tears fall. I can’t stop them. Why? Why? My pillow is drenched and stained. I feel like I am drowning in the pain.

I found out today I have something to look forward to, I have to go on yet a part of me always belongs to you….

11 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 31

  1. Caron says:

    I am so sorry that a sweet soul like yours was ever harmed like this.

  2. Kelly says:

    Twilight, I understand how it feels to not have your questions be answered. Like a wall has gone up and no matter how you ask, you get nothing. I’m familiar with the tears and frustration. I’m sorry for your anguish. I think with time and distance it will fade, though I know that’s small comfort now.

    1. Twilight says:


      I had the answers, Jon explained his perspective to me…..cognitive dissonance kicked in layered with emotionally charged I was to focused on what I was feeling to even see the truth, or more like I didn’t want to accept the truth.
      I am almost 5 years out….no the pain has not faded yet it has nothing to do with him directly yet for another life that was lost.
      He may have hurt me as deep as my parents yet I choose to be happy and live life to its fullest!!!

  3. foolme1time says:

    Dear Twilight
    As many times as I have read this, there has not been one time that I have been able to get through it without a waterfall of tears cascading down my face. To think of you as special as you are, lying there with that hurt and pain filling you with so much sadness I just cannot stand to think of. I know this was many years ago and still it does not change the way I react when I read it. You will always be in my heart Dear Twilight. Nothing can ever dim the light that shines from within you. 😘🐺

    1. Twilight says:


      You are such an amazing soul. I do understand reading this still stirs emotions within me.
      I was and always be stronger then he ever will be emotionally.
      Thank you FM1T.

      1. foolme1time says:

        You’re welcome Twilight. 🥰

      2. foolme1time says:

        You really are writing your story! I know you said you were writing it, I just didn’t know you have already started to write it on your blog! That’s wonderful Twilight! 😍😘

  4. Joanne says:

    The nonstop wondering WHY is torture. And the ever presence even after the smearing and all the pain he inflicted. I hope you are well on your way to healed now, Twilight.

    1. Twilight says:

      Hello Joanne

      Yes I am almost 5 years out now. I have not been ensnared by another nor will it happen again.
      Keep you head up and continue to focus on you and in time you will look back and see a strength you didn’t know you held within alongside of wisdom from the experience.
      I use many different oils that help keep my anxiety down and keep me focused on the moment, not to say I have used some to help release the energy of past trauma from narcissistic abuse.

      1. Joanne says:

        I’m really happy to hear that. It sounds like this one really put you through the ringer. I agree with your point on coming through stronger and wiser. As much as I regret what happened with me, I do feel the lesson overall had value (granted, I’m saying this after experiencing only a fraction of what most have endured).

        I also think a lot about what makes so many stay close to the blog after they’ve moved on. I think it’s a good thing in terms of the support that is shared with newer people – the insight and advice and comfort that can only come from those who really KNOW.

        HG, when you set up this blog, did you ever think this would become a safe haven for empaths to share and support, in many ways independent of your direct guidance?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I envisaged that it would be a constructive forum for intelligent discussion and debate. I recognised that many readers would offer support through their empathic nature and I have no problem with that, after all, that is not something I do. I give you the best information and answers and correct inaccuracy. I throw in some entertainment too from time to time!

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