The Fading Star






I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or discard. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time.

The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.

The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated  golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.

A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.

The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others)  and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.

Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them. Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.

The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.

If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.

A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

  1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
  2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
  3. Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.

The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.

12 thoughts on “The Fading Star

  1. Angie says:

    You say a tertiary source which translated interpreted means upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant,,,a gas station attendant, a waitress, etc..would fit into the category of tertiary sources as well. Now, you said, they can have lengthy “golden Periods” when the narcissists is “good ” to them. just to receive their emotional reactions and responses,,but what I don’t get, their is no “intimacy” going on with the tertiary source. Now, I understand Primary and Secondary sources being in an alleged relationship with the Narcissist ( just a primary source of fuel), but as far as tertiary sources where is the relationship really extending? Tertiary sources seem to me just giving the Narcissist a reaction. I don’t understand even if it is on an intermittent basis, what the true role is of Tertiary sources are.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Angie, have a read of this article which should assist.

      1. Angie says:

        Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  2. Veronique Jones says:

    HG I’m curious about the challenge fuel If you are scape the narcissist realising what they are while you’re still in the golden period and then get through severe malign hoovering To the point where the narcissist actually exposes themselves and has no choice but to retreat would that bring about challenge fuel , benign or malignant hoovering I know something is coming he’s been feeling the waters to see how I would react to certain things being said In a benign manner through his minions

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. If you miraculously escape during the golden period (why?) that would wound.
      2. If you are then malign hoovered thereafter your responses will be Challenge Fuel. A lack of response will wound.
      3. I do not follow your point about the narcissist exposing themselves and then retreating and that equating to Challenge Fuel. If the narcissist is the one exposing themselves and then retreating that is not Challenge Fuel.

  3. Chihuahuamum says:

    The very epitome of codependancy. Instead of facing the real issues and working on them narcs compartmentalize and replace with a facade and were the validation of that facade. Fueling it so its believable to them.
    Like a drug addict codependants need others love bc they dont love themselves. They are hollow and need constant validation.

  4. misstasia says:

    Thank you, I have been trying to figure out what the deal was. Why hasnt he replaced me and I know he hasn’t. Mind you I’m still in the house for another week but his daughter and best friend are his primary source for now. His friend is moving in with him and we decided to stay friends because of our dogs.Well my dog but his on paper. He probably will once Im gone but only for fuel a dirty secret. He will never find a another me and he knows it.
    I know eventually I will cause a big fight and I can close the book on him.
    Thank you H.G.

    1. Getting There says:

      Hello, misstasia. Can you close the door as much as possible without a big fight?
      Have you read about the virtual fuel?

      1. misstasia says:

        It won’t be easy, it won’t be fast. It can not happen without a big fight. There is no such thing as to reach a final split amicably that concept simply doesn’t exist in a narcs world.
        My MDR is drowning in negative fuel and I am his positive anchor for now. I play my part to make sure that I am in a safe place and that my fury kid won’t have to pay for my leaving.
        “Virtual Fuel” no I have not read it. I know the concept and I know what I am in for once the door shuts. The endless texts full of blame, smearing, name calling, etc. It’s not my first rodeo with him, however, it will be my last. Thanks to H. G Tudor.
        I am currently reading ” Decipher”

  5. SMH says:

    Does this apply to intimate partner sources, HG?

    I ask because my relationship with MRN took a major nosedive when IPPS left on holiday before MRN did. Hmmm. At first, that period was nice – he even came over to meet my son. But then came the future faking and manipulations. After about a week of that, I blew up and that was the beginning of the end. During this time, I knew IPPS was away (because I knew most everything), and he hinted that she was away, but he did not tell me directly and we did not discuss it.

    This is what I thought was going on at the time: MRN needed the stability that IPPS provided in order to deal with me (IPSS) because he had embedded me in his normal routine. As long as IPPS was part of that routine, it all worked out for him. But as soon as that leg was pulled out from under him, he became destabilized and did not know what to do with me. The boundaries were too easily blurred. He became avoidant so as not to get too close.

    From reading this, however, it sounds like what was actually going on was this: MRN’s fuel was really low because IPPS was not around. He at first turned to me to fuel up but at the same time he had to keep those compartment walls intact because IPPS had not disappeared and he was not looking to replace her. It was simply a temporary situation. At first my positive fuel filled some of the emptiness but it could not match IPPS’s because I did not live with MRN and one of his adult daughters (one of IPPS’s lieutenants) was around to keep an eye on him (demanding weekend walks, dinners out, etc), so he was not that free but also not getting properly fueled. The negative fuel I then offered when I blew up thus served two functions: it fueled him and it kept the compartments intact.

    Good analysis, HG?

    It was not long after this that we mutually decided to end it (though of course it did not end – massive hoovering over the next 9 months, 4 of those months we were in separate countries and 2 of those months we were in the same city but he did not know because I did not tell him where I was and just let him assume that I was away, then an attempt by him to reestablish the FR, and my final escape).

  6. WhoCares says:

    Fade, fade, FADE, already!

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