‘Til Death Do Us Discard (Disengage)



The word ‘discard’ is well-known in the lexicon of the narcissistic world.  Disengage is actually accurate, but I shall use discard here purely for the sake of familiarity.

It forms one of the four cornerstones of the narcissistic embrace. The seduction, the devaluation, the discard (disengage) and the hoover. Discard (disengage) brings with it a sense of finality. The impression that we have extracted everything we can from you and that we are finally done with you. You have served your purpose and we no longer have any use for you. I do not think discard is an accurate description. We certainly toss you aside with no concern for your well-being or emotional state. We suddenly stop communicating with you. You cannot contact us as we vanish, walking off the face of the earth. If you receive some kind of half-baked explanation, then you ought to consider yourself as lucky to receive even that. We are, however, never done with you. The discard as such is a temporary cessation to the dance that you and I engage in.

I have written elsewhere of the main reasons why we discard (disengage) and chief among them is the fact that we have acquired a new toy. You are old, stale and no fun anymore so you are left at the bottom of the toy box as we become infatuated with our new shiny and glittering toy. Of course your discard is not permanent. Once I selected you, you had a role to fulfil for the rest of your life when it comes to me. You have no choice, so far as I am concerned, in respect of this role. I assigned it to you and I regard you as obligated to carry it out forever. I may decide that I require you again for the purposes of triangulation. I may want the new primary source to pump out even more positive fuel because they feel threatened by your re-appearance. Like some corpse, we resurrect you in order to unnerve the new primary source. We will hoover you and tempt you with the prospect of winning our favour once again. When we triangulate you in this fashion you can rest assured that what is being said to you will be said in a similar way to the new primary source. We may comment to you: –

“She is just someone to pass the time with, she is nowhere near as special as you are to me.”

Around the same time, we will be telling your replacement primary source,

“Don’t worry about her. She cannot let go. I am not surprised really because I did so much for her, but it is you I want, you are so special, far more than she ever was.”

You are spurred on by such encouragement and double your efforts to please me in the hope of winning me back. The replacement is spurred on by such encouragement and she doubles her efforts to keep me and ensure you prove to be no temptation to me.

We will bring you back if the new prospect turns out to be less effective than we thought. We decide that they need to be consigned to the scrap heap quicker than usual and therefore we will turn to that person we know. You. We know all about you and how you will react and therefore it is far easier to return to you and hoover you than seek someone new again. This has the added benefit that the passage of time will have allowed you to recover from our abuse but also the longing that we imbue in you, when we discard, will continue to gnaw away at you and thus when we decide we have ended the “discard” you are easy to hoover.

We may be utterly delighted with your replacement but decide we will end the “discard” in order to punish you further. At this stage we have no interest in engaging in a romantic and intimate relationship with you again. Your replacement serves that role most effectively. No, we want to punish you. We will hoover you in an unpleasant and savage way, smearing you and parading your replacement around to all and sundry and explaining how wonderful it is to be with someone who truly understands us, loves us and is not abusive as you were.

We may toss you aside and come nowhere near you for weeks, months and even years. We know that the nature of this “discard” is such that no matter how hard you try; you remain vulnerable to being sucked back in. This is because you have not been able to cope with the ever presence we created and your frequent reminders of the golden period. It is also because you want answers, finality and understanding and because we flounced off the face of the earth, you did not get those things and the desire to receive them remains strong even years later.

We do not truly discard you. We push you to one side but you serve many purposes afterwards. You recover so your fuel provision increases again, you are the provider of both positive and negative fuel, dependent on how we hoover you. You are needed for the triangulations we wish to deploy. This cycle of picking you up and putting you down again, as and when suits us, is one that will go on and on until such time as you decide to break the pattern of “discards” and escape instead. Of course when you try to escape us we do not regard this as ending our binding arrangement. You are mis-guided, perhaps listening to the biased voices of others which is affecting your judgement. You, in our minds, do not get to choose when the arrangement ends. All the way through our lives, we will use you and then push you to one side before coming back again at some future point. If you allow us the means of contact by drifting into our sphere of influence again then we will hoover you, because the opportunity is too good to pass up. You are then drawn in, the cycle commences once more and a further “discard” will happen. You can see by the repeated nature of this process that there is no real discard, only a temporary cessation to our entanglement, but one tendril always remains wrapped around, continuing the connection so that we can draw you back in at our choice.

Even if you take steps whereby you expose us for what we are or reveal us to other people who accept what you say, we will withdraw to lick our wounds but this discard is temporary also. We still want your fuel and we want it badly. We also have a desire for revenge. We may not resume matters in a benign method when this happens and instead opt for the malign approach in order to extract fuel, but the entanglement will begin again at some future point.

We put you down but you can always be picked up again. Rest assured that this will happen repeatedly and even if you think the nature of the discard was so harsh, so savage and seemed so final, it was not. We will return, if able and do it all again.

The only true disengagement of our toxic entanglement is when of us dies. Only then is there finality.

13 thoughts on “‘Til Death Do Us Discard (Disengage)

  1. Pauline says:

    HG, I’d like to ask about narcissist and borderlines dynamic in intimate relationship.

    I know narcissists are very attracted to borderlines because of their fuel, low boundaries, abandonment fears that narcissist can eaisily play with.

    But is there something “typical in borderlines” that trigger the devaluation? They tend to be moody, focus on themselves, they like to seek attention and talk about their problems a lot so it’s not that the narcissist is the center of attention, they don’t hide emotions, they rage, they tend to be clingy and needy…

    My guess is these traits can easily wound, injure narcissist or he can get bored with constant mood swings and playing the knight in shiny armour role. But it’s just my guess.

    What do you think?

    And how bordelines act when hoovered? Do they go no contact eaisily? My guess is they would be perfect for hoovers – they are familiar with roller coaster dynamic so maybe ther are more addicted to it, they tend to see problems in themselves so the hoovering narcissist probably gives them kind of validation, they have difficulty in having steady mature relationships (which help many victims in cutting off the former partner who was a narcissist) so they are lonely and bored waiting for a narcissist to come back.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This will be addressed in a further article.

      1. Raven says:

        HG, I have escaped 7 moths ago and followed all your advice GOSO, and also have restraining order and relocated(unknown place and far away), is there still a chance in the future I will still be hoovered?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is always a risk, but it may be a very low one. I cannot comment without knowing about your circumstances in detail and that requires a consultation. I would state that from the brief information provided the prospects of being hoovered on the current information are likely to be very low. This can of course alter.

  2. Manuel Simon Rodriguez says:

    3 years now without any type of hoover, I am ready, I look forward to that happening, I will play at his own game. and I will not lose. It can only be one .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You never attempt to play the narcissist at his or her own game. That is emotional thinking. GOSO.

  3. Kelly says:

    Hi HG, based on my (all too long) history with narcex, it has ever only hoovered over the years if I made the approach first. This happened across many years (maybe x3 or 4 discards) and I did not understand why or who it was. I now know, and I dumped its ass this time. Based on previous patterns, can I expect to be well left well alone from here on? I do not call or contact in any way and will never do so again! Thks.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on whether there is a Hoover Trigger and if so, whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. I need more information from you so I can give you an accurate response and therefore you should arrange a consultation.

  4. Kelly says:

    HG, please do talk to us about the ‘ones who got away,’ one day soon. Those who went no contact with you. You’ve already admitted it happened, lol, so now share it with us? I am sure it would be of benefit to your readers.

  5. Sarah says:

    This article holds steady to my experience…even after many years of space and time you feel and recognise the mechanics of the role in which you have been cast. It is like all of those close to an N (over an extended period) understand that within the N relationship they must fulfil the role. There are always Hoovers of one kind or another; the relentless reminders of ‘the dance’.

    When you step aside and don’t engage you remain in the role. Those who knew you and know where you are placed keep this fascade intact. There is no growth or change and you cannot step outside the pantomime within that inner circle….the dye has been cast permanently.

    This is not my reality, I will never own the role I have been assigned. I see it and I feel it, but one should never get off their life raft and try to swim the rest of the journey in a sea full of sharks.

  6. Darling1 says:

    Well HG Tudor, I will tell you like this…I’ve been No Contact for 14 months with my Lesser Narcissist since the assault. We are in court at sentencing stage. It will be a stretch for him. He is a habitual. I almost died via punches, strangulation and a fully loaded gun. He stalked and attacked me in my sleep because he knows he could only get me off my feet. You can say all you want about NPD and how y’all roll. If he crazy enough to come back this way. You are correct in ‘Til Death do us part. I bet you it won’t be me who dies. He is now on GPS (my ball n chain), until sentencing that he had no choice to plea deal to. The judge doesn’t have to accept the 7+ plea deal (it can be more). I gave a standing ovation victim impact statement. The police gave me thumbs up and an escort to my vehicle. I’m dog walking my lesser narcissist. Strong and Righteous People Win. What Goes Around Comes Around. Play with Fire you eventually get BURNED!

    1. Shelli Drummond Stine says:

      Please win it for the rest of us. For my daughter. I can’t protect her. It’s debilitating. Trying to strategize my book currently: My NPD husband is killing my disabled daughter.
      It’s 100% true.

  7. SMH says:

    Excel must have died then because there is no way in hell that he is going to hoover me again.

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