5 False Promises

5

Words are our tools. They come readily to us and we much prefer them over actions as they use so little energy. We have no sense of guilt, remorse or conscience that we are easily able to make promises with no intention of ever keeping them. You on the other hand hate to break a promise and we know that your adherence to this means that the effect our broken promises is significant against you and will allow us to draw fuel. You will be familiar with the nature of the broken promises if you have danced with our kind already but you may not know what we actually mean when we say certain supposed promises to you. If this dance is new to you, not only will you not know what is being really meant when we whisper these words to you, but you may not realise that this promise will not be kept. Here are five of the most-used promises we issue, that we always break and this is what we really mean when we say them.

  1. I will always love you

I know that you love to hear such bold proclamations because they appeal to you as a love devotee. Indeed, you have been conditioned to believe strongly in the concept of love. I won’t always love you, in fact I will not even begin by loving you because I am incapable of feeling what you know to be love since it has been denied to me as an option. I understand what love is to you however because I am surrounded by people like you telling me what it means and it appears in books, on the television, on the internet, in films and advertisements. It is easy to understand what love means to you but impossible for me to feel it and therefore I can never love you. What I mean when I tell you this is that I am telling you what you want to hear so you will remain with me and provide me with the fuel that I crave. I am telling you that I will actually always want you so long as you give me what I need. My desire to be with you is entirely conditional on you furnishing me with fuel.

  1. I will repay you

I will borrow money from you because of my sense of entitlement since either I have none and I want yours or I have plenty and I still want yours. If I have no money I need it and therefore I will want to borrow it from you. I will of course promise to repay you in order to induce you to lend it to me in the first place. I will then make repeated promises to pay you: –

“I am a little short this month, I will have it for you next month.”

“I am due a bonus in two months so I will pay you from that then.”

“I had an emergency and had to use the money for that.”

“I am not able to work at present but since you love me you won’t mind waiting will you?”

“If you really loved me, you would not ask for it back.”

Those of our kind who lack financial resources want the money for obvious reasons but also in order to strengthen the link between them and you, so that you have reason to remain in contact with them and to allow them to trot out excuses and reasons which will eventually provoke you through exasperation, frustration, irritation and upset.

Those of our kind who have ample financial resources do not have any intention of making repayment. Instead we use this borrowing of the money as a bridge between you and I and as above it is all about keeping a hook into you.

When we promise to repay you, we will not do so. What we are telling you is that we want to create a method of ensuring you are connected to us and able to draw fuel from you.

  1. I won’t hurt you

Of all the broken promises this is perhaps the one which does the most damage. We are actually telling you this: –

“I won’t hurt you as long as you comply with what I want.”

It just so happens that we always omit the last nine words. We regard you as our appliance, an extension of our will and you are expected to do what we want. Provide potent positive fuel, succumb to our demands, run around after us, say yes when we want yes and no when we want no but you must guess which is correct. We want you obedient, compliant and submissive. Navigate your way through this maze successfully and you will not be hurt. Unfortunately, for you nobody is ever able to do this because you will always have to be hurt because we want fuel. You have to be hurt because no matter how hard you try you will always cause a criticism which will wound us and therefore we have to defend ourselves by lashing out and hurting you. You have to be hurt because there are even those of our kind, the malignant and the greater who delight in doing so.

The hurt will always visit you somehow.

  1. I will be faithful

We cannot be faithful. We need fuel too much. Although most of it will come from you we need it from other sources as well and this will result in our infidelity. Infidelity comes in many forms, just as fuel does. To some it may be sharing long and intimate conversations, to others it is a kiss, to others it is sexual touching and to others it is full blown sexual intercourse. Our desire for fuel combined with our massive sense of entitlement and our failure to recognise boundaries means that we will be unfaithful. Add to that our lack of accountability, our failure to feel guilt or remorse and you stand no chance of ever ensuring that we remain faithful.

We say this because you want to hear it. This is most often used after we have been exposed as committing an act or acts of infidelity and we are concerned that you will leave us and thus take away our primary source of fuel when we have not secured a replacement yet. We will pledge that we will be faithful moving forward in an attempt to prevent you from causing a cessation to our supply of fuel. These are empty words. We will be unfaithful within the week, maybe not even that long, just so long as uttering such a promise stops you from going.

  1. I will change

No I won’t. Even if I could, which is highly unlikely, why should I when there is nothing wrong with me. Everything I do is necessary to ensure my survival and my remaining elevated and superior. Just because you and others do not like the way that I behave does not mean that I have to alter what I am. I know however that you love to think that we can be cured of whatever ill it is that we suffer from. You want us to become better and different and naturally if this means we can get you to stay, do what we want and keep providing us with fuel we are content to tell you that we will change. We are experts at adopting false expressions of contrition as well to accompany this empty promise.

This vacant promise actually means

“I will carry on doing what I am doing and nobody will ever stop me.”

 

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20 Comments

  1. This is why I hate being lied to and if I catch someone out on a lie I don’t trust them again way to much experience with this narcissist And I know how much they are the worst part is how believable they actually are they know exactly how to lie and make it look believable to everyone

  2. HG I think of you all the time 🙌 I was watching an interview with Ted Bundy and it made me think of you. He incessantly lies even when it no longer matters.
    You are so genuine HG. More so than any normal person. You share your true self with us and you don’t lie!

          1. Ohh yes.I think he needed his facade.
            You can be completely genuine. You are spectacular.

          2. HG, you are correct on this one with assurance. It scares me, because, to an odd extent, it is just as if the truth is not within the person, which seems at odds with natural resolution – it’s like a cycle that can not, and will never end.

            One of the things I applaud you for is your truth basis – “while Maat can be a killjoy”, the truth resolves all things at some point in time. With the types I believe in which you are referring, they genuinely THINK they tell the truth – they REALLY BELIEVE IT. I wish I could find the words for the emotional devastation that this predicament causes to someone who knows the truth.

            In the end, there are really no words.

  3. I’ve heard these over the years and it’s scary (but great) how these posts are identical to what we’ve all experienced with our ex narcs.

    In my first hoover, which was by email shortly after a horrific discard and him having no other means of contacting me due to my blocking his number he said a lot of stuff. One of which is here!

    At the end of his me me me email with no apology, blaming how he was on everyone else as he’s more than above average intelligence but is easily led and it was my fault he cheated when away at a darts competition as I had bought him a new set of darts to encourage him to keep playing years ago when his game went downhill. His exact words ‘it’s ironic that the one gift you gave me (hello I gave you many gifts don’t you remember?) was the cause of all this. Really?!?! A set of darts bought five years ago by me was the cause of his withdrawing, the cause of his abuse, the cause of his constant lying, the cause of his cheating, the cause of his rages. Lesson learned don’t buy gifts for someone just incase these gifts have magical powers which make someone turn into a narcissist 🙄

    He finished said email with the words in HG’s post ‘i Will always love you, I miss you and I’ll never be the same person without you’

    All I’ll say is thank god he won’t be the same person without me as otherwise he will still be a cruel cold hearted selfish self centred psychologically abusive narcissist with his new supply as in his eyes it was me who made him the way he was!

    Got to laugh. Beyond bonkers! Today is an ‘I can laugh about all this and see clearly day’ Long may it continue and long may the ET not be at the forefront like it has been so often as that is the worst and consumes you and brings back so much hurt, confusion and pain :-(

    Thank you HG for your reply on another post. Your reply about what I wrote being ET stopped me doing a stupid thing and contacting the new supply trying to spare her the same pain and hurt I’ve been through pre and post discard by exposing the narcissist.

    You saved me a lot of potential fresh hurt and manipulation and from being sucked back in to his mind games where he would’ve pushed, provoked and hurt me just to get a reaction and a ton of fuel for free!

  4. HG,

    This question may possibly be one of the dumbest questions you have ever been asked (apologize in advance), but here goes:

    Is “fuel” a feeling?

    Or maybe it’s a state of being related to a certain feeling that someone else makes you feel – am I completely missing what fuel “is” or more specifically, is it the feeling of fuel that prompts the Narcissist to extract it from others?

    If indeed fuel is a feeling or does produce a feeling in the Narcissist emotionally that he or she finds positive, has the Narcissist ever contemplated what he or she would have to do with the loss of feeling? As in, like feeling nothing? Is that a bad thing for a Narcissist or could it be considered relief?

    I know I’m missing something here, so as always, your advice would be helpful.

    Thanks!

    1. It is not a dumb question.

      Read Fuel.
      Read ‘What Fuel Feels Like To A Narcissist- – this will be appearing later as an article on the blog.

  5. Does anyone else feel really depressed after reading these blog posts? It’s very triggering and maybe I am in denial about my ex. I just always thought there was some goodness in everyone.

    1. Yes, sometimes….. it depends on my emotional state. I have to admit that the more I read, the more it infiltrates my mind and I find myself *almost* reaching a stage of indifference. I am really close.

      I’ve thought about whether it’s healthy to visit this site so much, but HG’s posts and the subsequent comments keep me sane. ( I think lol )

    2. Courtney
      I believe everyone has been triggered at least once when reading blog posts, even after reading them time and time again, there are still certain posts that trigger my ET. Most of us thought as you did and can not imagine anyone without any good in them. A narcissist will do good at times, but not because it is good, they are only doing it because it benefits them in some way and they will receive fuel. Stay with us, you will get through this. Imagine you have just entered the tunnel, I promise at the end there is light. 🥰

    3. Courtney, I’m sorry you are feeling that way! It is a hard process to get through.
      Some of the articles and comments do trigger me. I allow myself to grieve as it is a loss of who I thought the person to be; a loss of the relationship I thought each to be; and a loss of me and what I did and allowed in each relationship. I think I have a defense mechanism which will not allow me to think of anyone as pure evil, that there is some good in every person. I have learned that for me it doesn’t matter if I think of either as having good in or not; I know that neither could have been good for me.
      Don’t give up, keep being here, and we will be there to support you while you are in the emotional sea.

    4. Courtney,

      Your comment is well-founded, and I do get what you mean, although I think you have to guard yourself emotionally from depression with internal understanding that it is okay to not fully understand what you and I are not.

      When I first started this journey to trying to understand, I adopted a similar approach: there is good in everyone – there is a natural desire to do right – to be “good” (although the question of what is good and evil can often be an interesting debate), and everyone fails too. What makes HG different is his truth basis – remember, the truth sets us free.

      Oh, the horror. I umbrella under religion.

      What I didn’t understand in my ‘learning the narcissist journey’, and despite the massive testing I have been put through from probably the highest level imaginable, is sadly simple: I do not get how a Narcissist thinks, because I am not one. Yet, when I ‘under-go’ the mindset, I am humbly reminded that I REALLY do not think in that way AT ALL, and reject most of it as I find it too reliant on others and am probably too much of a control freak in my own way. HG and I would argue for eons on this point, but he would know I am not wrong.

      In the end, and I mean, at the the very end, the great battle of good and evil relies on a simple premise: CHOICE. And it’s this simple Courtney: do you choose to do the right thing or do you choose to do the wrong thing? Do you choose to hurt another or do you choose not to? You seem to be hurting from your last relationship, which infers that you chose not to hurt someone else.

      HG could make a compelling argument that some of his kind are deprived of this choice, and he would not be wrong – I am not sure if your ex fit in this category.

      HG informs us that he consciously chooses to do the wrong thing for the need of fuel, which makes those under him not in the best state, and can be depressing for those of us who have found our way here.

      I see HG trying to evolve in his own way, but just like myself in other ways, get stuck in the patterns of ole. It’s hard to break a cycle. In many ways, I am no better, but do not structure in my mind how HG does, but know that he, just as we do, have to evolve as well. Religiously, I find my place to where HG does not venture, because to him, he is all that is there for him in the end. I put faith in God, and know I am deficient. The typical Narcissist would take what I just wrote as Narcissistic injury based on my opinion that we were of equal caliber in a way, although I did not mean that in any way. As in, what I wrote, although in my opinion fair, was not emotionally balanced to the Narcissistic state of ego, which would formulate an unfounded attack. I am not sure if your ex was like this in his mind, but think it is relevant to understanding just how different we all can be or think at the very least.

      However, the saddest reality forms from those that just do without knowing because without the the truth, it is near impossible to change. While HG is different, his predicament is more complex and can be viewed as perhaps depressing because, with knowledge, he cannot escape without succumbing to the same behaviors he himself attempts to ward others from – and in a off-set kind of way, all funnels downward from his words. Not the most up-lifting or hopeful escape, but yet it is honest.

      I could cite examples in different ways in my own life that are of comparison – I do what I hate – or better stated: I do what I know will lead to deficient, imperfect results – again, I umbrella under religion for salvation – I sin, and need forgiveness. HG, seems to take it on his own shoulders in a different way.

      In the end, however, it is best not to judge. But if you find yourself reading this comment, perhaps, the inner search starts with you and what you need to perfect in your own life in a different way than even HG or even a simpleton like me can explain. Sometimes polar opposites that could never get along and would never want to meet have to be, at the very least, reminded of one another for the purpose of definition of what one chooses to be or what perhaps we choose to believe – perhaps that is why you met your ex.

      Perhaps why you find it depressing is because both you and your ex just simply chose different paths of understanding in an out-of-this-world kind-of way. In the end (the light at the end of the tunnel) is there is never a depressing moment about the truth. Truth sets us all free. However, no one said the truth was not without pain. And perhaps it can be more painful to understand what someone is without even them knowing – it’s like holding the losing hand in poker and knowing you’ve lost before the cards are dealt. With someone who knows, in the end, winning becomes losing and all logic is fundamentally destroyed.

      All you can do control is yourself.

      The Narcissist admits that they cannot do this on the highest order because of their constant need for fuel. This is what makes us different than a Narcissist, although the Narcissist could make a compelling argument that people like us enjoy the attention and many attributes in their mind that could make us so like them. But in the end, we are who we are. They are who they are. We will never fully be able to understand. I don’t think that is a bad thing.

      To the most evolved soul, uou see, you and I don’t have the ability to process the negative emotions put upon another to make it a positive to oneself (a Narcissist can do this at this point in time, although the days are ending). You see, you and I are simply not emotionally hard-wired that way – perhaps yesterday, your frown was a positive surge of power in feeling to a Narcissist when they were optioned to only feel during a devaluation – to me, seeing another in pain is painful no matter what. In the end, that is what makes us different than one another – the Narcissist feels power from a negative. To me, a negative is nothing. A positive is nothing. It is the person that makes nothing something.

      Most people rely on feelings of what is good and what is bad. Narcissists have a different hardwire for that basis that is not as easily understandable to most humans. To them, it is what feels good for them that defines good and bad, but is subjective in nature.

      How you choose to fare in your opinion of others and your last relationship is all your own.

      But just remember this truth: without God, we are all deficient and no better. And that will remain forever.

      The only good in me is from God.

    5. Dear Courtney,
      I’m so sorry you are finding these posts depressing ….but a great majority of them are because we are being confronted with the truth and the reality of the situation and it hits us extremely hard
      When one has hit rock bottom, the only way up, is thru learning and acceptance of oneself
      You are in the “best” place here
      There “is” goodness in people … we have just overlooked the multitude of red flags in the wrong people and made bad decisions
      Once we have broken the “emotional thinking barrier”, the sky’s the limit
      We are survivors !
      My very best wishes to you my lovely 😊
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  6. He will throw a text heart at me every now and then (so juvenile), because he thinks I think it means he loves me.
    If I ever mention the money I gave him, he will say, Why are you bringing that up?
    He hurts me in one way or another like it’s nothing.
    Faithful? Who can know? He’s always in that phone.
    He’s not capable of change. His idea of change is one or two days of him struggling to be “nice”. It’s a real effort lol.
    He’s probably angry right now because I outsilenced his silence this morning.

  7. “I never hurt you, I promise. All I have is love for you.” I told him that if he ever hurt me, I would disappear from the face of the earth and he would never see me again. Guess who kept his/her promise…

    1. I’ll never. My phone is acting up today. Of course it doesn’t matter because all future is faking in narc grammar anyway.

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