A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 52

Repeater letter
Dear ***,

I was so relieved to get out of sixth period when I was a junior in high school.  A friend of my family got me an after school job at your law firm.  I didn’t care what I did, I just wanted to leave school early.  I never felt like I fit in there.  I watched other girls have boyfriends and relationships that I was terrified of.  You knew upon seeing me that I was searching for something I’d lost as a child.

When I met you my first day of work you knew that I was struck by your magnificence​, your passion, your danger​.  You could feel it.  The energy flowing ​from me to you was electric.  Everyone could feel it.

You were kind, gracious, humble and beautiful.  You looked at me as though I was the most beautiful creature you had ever seen.  I didn’t care that you were 18 years older than me…for some reason it made me even more attracted to you but I had no idea why​.  Onlookers viewed me as the teenager I actually was and thought it was a painful, adorable crush.  You saw an opportunity.

It took time, but you were as patient as ISIS.  You consistently told me how beautiful, smart and compassionate I was knowing how thirsty I was to hear those words.  You knew the end game and would wait as long as it took.  Each day that I came to your office you injected a tiny bit of poison in me.  It was so slow that no one, including myself, could ever notice that I was getting sicker.  I didn’t know that I had already been infected as a child from another one like you years ago.  I didn’t know that my infection was lying dormant only to be awakened again by another of your kind.  I only knew that I desperately wanted you to choose me.

The days passed and my infection grew worse.  The poison accumulated in my body until I was completely infected.  You asked me to stay after work one evening to help you.  I was so flattered that you would ask me to work alongside you.  What an honor.  Was this it?  Did you really choose me?

I trembled that evening prior to you taking me.  Yes, I wanted you physically.  Yes, I flirted with you mercilessly.  Yes, I wanted you to pursue me and choose me.  All of those wants fell away in the moment you entered me.  I was afraid but at the same time I felt chosen.  You cast the die that could never be removed.

I quit my job thinking that you were preparing to leave your ​(as you said) ​ horrible, crazy, frigid wife to come for me.  The reality was that I was put on a very high shelf​. I was comfortable with the shelf but, still,​I had no idea why.  It’s not that it didn’t hurt or that I didn’t feel​ abused, but it was so familiar.  Like returning home.

The years passed and you took me off the shelf monthly to assure me that I was the chosen one.  That I was the one you loved.  Pleaded with me to just wait a little longer for you while knowing all the while that I was never going anywhere​ .  Just a little more time and you would be mine.  I didn’t know why I actually felt safest being on the shelf.  I didn’t know that you were a reenactment of someone I had already known.  But you did.  You knew.

It has taken decades​ for me t​o truly learn who you are even though I’ve returned to you again and again throughout my life​.  You are my father.  You embody abuse, abandonment and the most dangerous place I could ever be.  To this day I struggle with that reality.

I wanted you to be the father that would finally choose me.  That loved me.  That wanted me.  You are not and neither was he.

​Neither of you can ever be that for me.​

I still have the infection.  It is constantly waiting for me and desperate to resurface.  I am getting better now because I know the disease is there.  Recovery is slow and it is painful.  I have help from one who knows your kind and what you are, however, he is blessed with the duality of accepting what he is and using it for good in a part of his life.

Goodbye, Father.

24 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 52

  1. Desirée says:

    Very honest and well written piece, thank you for bringing this to our attention, HG! The comparison of the addiction to narcissistic abuse to a dormant lying disease is haunting but entirely adequate.

  2. Caron says:

    This is a beautiful letter. Thank you for sharing. Thanks to the blog host and the empath.

    As far as I can tell in my limited experience, there are o my two things that can tear a woman’s soul. One of them is being molested. It is done for specific reasons, one of which is to keep you from shining. To keep you from your power.

    Ultimately you will find that it doesn’t matter. Your light wasn’t actually dimmed. Not even for a moment.

    Much love to you.

    1. nunya biz says:

      Beautiful sentiment, Caron.

  3. SuperNova says:

    Painfully beautiful.
    Hg… I assume this is someone uve consulted with and helped thru your work?
    Just out of curiosity… Do u feel ANY empathy whatsoever while reading her story and the connection she made after being abused?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not recall if this is a person I consulted with.

      I do not feel any empathy, no.

  4. Patrick Bateman says:

    Very nice, it’s your work HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      My letter?

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Actually HG thatd be a great idea if you wrote a letter to your mother and shared it. You have in your writings but i mean as if you were writing it to her directly.

      2. Patrick Bateman says:

        Yes, did you write it?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No. The letters are all written by readers.

          1. MB says:

            HG, I feel ready to write a letter. Are you accepting new ones?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I am.

  5. Fuel FREE from the Shelf says:

    This is eerily similar to my own situation with a few slight changes. Not a work story, no age gap (I am 5 years older) and replace Father with Mother and BAM! It is like you have described my addition to my Piano Boy MRN.

    The shelf. Ah, the shelf. Safe, familiar, high up there. The intoxicating flow of electricity. Being chosen. I still feel like I will be chosen but I only am intermittently.

    This was a great letter and it REALLY resonated with me.

  6. Veronique Jones says:

    This was heart breaking to read my own father abandoned me because I was sexually abuse at the age of eight by my mothers new husband then my mother beat the crap out of me with my grandfathers army belt calling me every slut under the sun then put me in a home it still haunts me my life changed forever the abuse came in all kinds after that and didn’t stop until I was 24 that was the first time in my life I stood wto anyone but something just snapped but even though the abuse stopped then the effects are still there today I am definitely starting to heal thank to you HG every day is different some days I feel like I have it all figured out but other days I doubt myself I cannot trust my own judgement and I feel completely lost I question if there’s something wrong with me that I keep attracting the attention of narcissists and why I cannot get these toxic people out of my mind heart and life I know what they are and yet I still give them the opportunity to prove me wrong it’s not your kind that needs to change it’s mine I logically know that but my emotions always win over my mind and I am just left with a crap load of regrets and no dung beetle

    1. NarcAngel says:

      VeronicaJ

      I’m so sorry that you experienced that and continue to deal with it’s subsequent effects. It’s normal to struggle with conflicting feelings, so I’m glad you’re here reading and commenting your way through it. In allowing others a chance to prove you wrong you are still putting others first. It’s time you come first Veronica. You don’t have to allow them anything.

      1. Veronique Jones says:

        I actually can’t stop myself It’s not a conscious reaction I know that allowing people to treat me badly and giving them second chances is stupid actually but I would want to believe so much that I didn’t waste all of my life caring about the wrong people
        I was 17 when I met my husband I got pregnant at 20 and he left for twelve years to be with someone else and I raised my children alone I allowed him to treat me like a booty call when they broke I believed I loved him He was verbally abusive and triangulated me and my kids never hit me though no physical violence at all for so many years I gave him excuses for his actions also he has a way with people every one thinks he is great I fire off at the hip so easy for it to look like I am the difficult person
        I had a double lung transplant nearly five years ago he took three months off work to care for me and spent the whole time playing video games my daughter worked full time then came over to care for me we hardly ever even spoke for twelve months he became very jealous of everyone especially my doctors who sadly turned out to be worse it was actually awful eventually I left him but came back to the house for my son eight months later I gave in and took him back but I am the one that wanted my own room and I cannot give him the same that I could before his attitude has changed he does try now but he no longer has any control over me this is why I question if I have become a narcissist I feel guilty for not being able to give him what he wants but I am scared of being hurt again

    2. nunya biz says:

      I’m sorry, Veronica.

      1. Veronique Jones says:

        Thank you 🙏

        1. nunya biz says:

          I’m sorry I called you Veronica!

    3. Whitney says:

      Dear Veronique, I am so sorry for what happened to you by your mother who should have protected you. How people treat us is a reflection on them and not on us. You are a beautiful person and it shines through, and that’s why Narcissists are drawn to you. Because they are dark inside and they want your light. How are you doing? You deserve the best, only do the best for yourself. Please discard anyone who doesn’t treat you like the beautiful person you are.

      1. Veronique Jones says:

        Thanks 🙏 I am definitely improving now that I know what these people are especially my mother I have stopped seeing since I realised what she is she always seemed to hate me yet I was her only supportive family she had
        I know HG says he doesn’t do this for us but I’m sure there’s a part of him even if it’s unconscious is trying to make up for some of the things he’s done to hurt others by weaponising us I am hugely grateful to have found him I was literally at my wits end when I did I’m still a bit on a rollercoaster I ask myself all the time why do I keep letting this happen and I don’t even have an answer for myself I am truly hoping Define the answers that I need to be able to stop this pattern that I’ve got into and live a healthy life I just genuinely don’t know where to start
        I do really appreciate the support thank you

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I’m not doing this to make up for the things I’ve done. I’ve no regret for my actions. That belief is that of an Empath and is emotional thinking- understandable but potentially problematic. I point this out not to criticise purely to educate.

          I’m pleased my work has proven so useful to you. Do keep reading.

        2. Whitney says:

          Dear Veronique 💖 your mother was jealous of you. That is selfish and evil of her. I’m glad you stopped seeing her. It’s hard when you don’t have support from your own mother. Do you have anyone you can rely on for safety or support? Maybe you can join a group. You have done so well. You are an amazing inspirational person. I wish you lots of love, joy and happiness with your family and friends for your beautiful self 💖🌺🌹🌸🌻

  7. Eloise says:

    So, some good has come from the early lack of love. The loss is sad, but maybe it’s better for you not to feel it. I envy that.

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