When we seduce you, we want to absorb you. We want to make you part of us. This is because we see you as an extension of ourselves but it is also because we want to ensure that you are isolated and cut-off from any potential threats to our grand design for you. It is also because we want you exposed to those who will only increase and magnify our charm, our magnetism and our attraction. This means we need to expose you to and integrate you within our own networks. Accordingly, where we are the type of narcissist that has a significant social circle and family connections, you will be thrust into their midst very quickly when the seduction has begun. It is akin to taking hold of you, hanging you over a vat of liquid which represents all of our supporters, admirers and adorers and dunking you straight into it ensuring you are wholly covered, utterly subsumed and completely covered. You will be paraded around these various sources of ours in order to extract fuel from their admiration at our latest conquest. Our smearing of your predecessor will mean that that person is rarely mentioned and if they are it will be in terms which are disparaging about them and complimentary about us. That is how our coterie and lieutenants have been conditioned to respond for the purposes of maintaining our glorious appearance. We will draw fuel from all of their complimentary remarks and furthermore we will be able to gather fuel from your delighted reaction at being presented as such a wonderful and perfect person. It amounts to a fuel fest for us. This integration with those who worship us and promote our agenda is a crucial part of how we embed you into our world. You are made to feel special and wanted, liked and involved as you find yourself invited to a family dinner, a christening, a wedding, nights out with our friends, drinks with other friends, an afternoon coffee and so on. So many ways to plug you into our world by using the all obliging members of our façade. This absorption convinces you that we are the real deal. Who in in their right mind would stand against such conviction from so many people? Nobody of course and that is how our magic is woven. You feel so fortunate. Not only have you met the partner of your dreams but our family are so welcoming and friendly, and our friends are delightful. Nobody has a bad word to say about us. Little do you realise that this is almost like a television programme with actors playing the parts of family and friends and the wonderful places and events that we take to you are just scenery that has been created to give the appearance of reality. If you were able to look behind the scenes then you would see one-dimensional cardboard cut-outs, masking tape and spray paint. You will not notice though. We do not allow you sufficient time to take everything in. You are whisked from one thing to another, festooned with compliments, spun around, whirled about and not given any opportunity to consider, reflect or scrutinise. Everything is moving, shining and sparkling in order to distract you. Oh those klaxons are blaring but you cannot hear them for the honey being poured in your mouth. The red flags are flying but there is so much glitter being thrown about by us, so much fairy dust hanging in the air that you are unable to see those scarlet warnings.

We want to draw you into us through ensuring that you are utterly immersed in our supportive and obliging networks. This also means that if you happen to have some kind of concern, perhaps a slight inkling that something is not quite right and you ask one of the many people you have been introduced to, you will receive the party line in response in order to assuage your concern. This absorbing into our world, our band of merry supporters provides you with no chance to resist. Whereas in your past you may have found the mother-in-law to be distant or a brother unwelcoming, friends jealous that their friend now has a new distraction and so forth, all of those potential problems do not exist with us. This is because the few that might know what we are, the handful which may identify that there is something wrong with us even though they may not know exactly what we are, will have been side-lined. They are not allowed to point out that the beautiful world that we have created is one of smoke and mirrors. Their dissenting voices have been silenced, their pointing fingers cut off and they have been bundled away. If you ever ask about them we will either ignore your question or advance an entirely plausible reason why we no longer have anything to do with our brother. As you will recognise by now, it will all be his fault.

You are to be subsumed not only into our identity as we swallow you up to form part of us, a functioning and reliable appliance pumping fuel our way, but you are also woven into the tapestry that is our illusion. Each introduction, each party, each greeting, each pleasant afternoon getting to know members of our coterie is but a further needle stroke as we pass the thread over you and enmesh you into our illusion. Tighter and tighter the thread becomes until you are a complete part of it. Of course, should you eventually realise that you have been woven into a fabrication, the thread will be so tight about you, so complete and so covering that escape is nigh on impossible without the assistance of someone else who is able to cut you free.


17 thoughts on “Absorb

  1. lisk says:

    I remember our last argument. It started by my overreacting to something he said/did. I remember during this overreaction that internally I was scream, “JUST GET OFF OF ME!”

    He did. And I am finally happy that he heard and listened to me.

  2. LC says:

    Great article. My ex-husband (narcoholic) compartmentalised to such a degree that I was not to meet his friends. They were drinking pals, possibly (almost likely but it kind of doesn’t compute) also IPSSes (he is marrying one of those former friends – whom I never met – this year).

    So after I left him and at some point met my n-ext, I was overwhelmed by the ways in which he introduced me into his circle – pretty much exactly the way it is described in the article. I loved it – because it was so different from what I had known before – though I felt uncomfortable with being paraded around, and situations did feel kind of cutout-cardboardy. My therapist picked up on it – warned me early on, also realised how he was setting about to isolate me from my family. For some reason it was always on the days I had things planned with my son that he called and said “oh we’re all sitting here together in this lovely place, my friends all want to talk to you…. Oh yes, I forgot, you are with xx, such a shame, maybe you can postpone?” Riddled though I am with self-doubt I know I wouldn’t have been able to see through it all without help (combo of HG and therapist’s analysis). It’s scary.

    All the more important to learn to trust one’s feelings of slight discomfort. He was married twice – second wife had long stints in a mental hospital. He told me about the ways he cheated on her. That I believed him that this was to be a thing of the past I almost can’t believe anymore. But I did and it serves as a massive warning now. I didn’t believe that the ex immediately before me was crazy. Nor did my therapist. But ET (” he says he wants to change”) is so effing efficient and destructive….

  3. mollyb5 says:

    Dennis Nilsen was another narc serial killer . He felt the spirits of his victims were still with him and he enjoyed talking to the police about his killings . It seems many of the serial killers are narcs. It seems you HG would be able to know how to detect serial killers also ?

    1. Survivor X says:

      Many serial killers are actually not narcs, but they have narcissistic qualities… perhaps under HG’s model you would see a lesser narcissist with a penchant for extremely violent outbursts. Maybe you’re seeing a common thread of entitlement, lack of empathy, shallow emotions. The following disorders share these attributes under the category with other cluster b disorders tend to be the ones you see in serial killers: Antisocial personality disorder seems to be the prevalent one, sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, as is schizophrenia: https://www.forensicscolleges.com/blog/resources/dangerous-minds-criminal-mental-illness

      1. mollyb5 says:

        HG please tell me your opinion on that matter ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Which matter is that MB5 (I do not see the previous comments in my moderation pane).

          1. mollyb5 says:

            I was questioning if you can detect serial killers or when someone would become one …if they Are narcs then you could detect at what point in their life a narc would become a killer ……? Serial killers ? Sexual predators ..? It seems you would be able to do so with all your knowledge on human behavior / narcs ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you.

            I can identify (given sufficient information) those who have a higher probability of committing such acts.

          3. mollyb5 says:

            I didn’t say “all “ serial killers are narcs . I said it seems many are narcs. I was watching a show about Dennis Nielsen and the forensic psychologist and many others were interviewing him ( the serial killer ). And he wanted to absorb the souls of the victims or he already felt he did absorb their spirits after he murdered them and wanted them passive . The way the man talked about himself and wanted to talk about his killings to scientists so they would understand him…it seemed he talked like a narc. I thought HG could easily figure this guy out …HG would know better if this guy was telling the truth or what the real problem was in this guys childhood with his grandfather ..etc. HG ..I just keep thinking this would be simple for you .

          4. Survivor X says:

            This dude sounds like a psychopath to me. But what do I know? Haha Have you ever read Robert Hare’s work ‘Without Conscience’? It’s pretty comprehensive: https://spot.colorado.edu/~pasnau/fysm/hare.pdf

      2. Claire says:

        All serial killers are narcissists. I’m
        also thinking much of cluster B is heavily tainted with narcissism. (That’s not a new concept—I’m just accepting it.)
        Basically the DSM is a rudimentary land of waste and HG should write the thing ongoing.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Fair observation.

        2. Survivor X says:

          Sure, I mean, there are a number of factors in play. I don’t know if it’s wise to dismiss all the research on this topic, or the insights of other people. There are definitely holes in the DSM-IV, no question, especially in our understanding of cluster B disorders. HG is very insightful in terms of the narcissistic perspective, as is Sam Vaknin. I think we can all agree that many serial killers have narcissistic qualities. Some, like the Son of Sam was schizophrenic and said a dog told him to kill people, if my memory serves. Vaknin has posited that narcissists will go schizoid at various times of their lives when fuel is in short supply. Then there is the fact that serial killers tend to be white men, although I do not think the Son of Sam was. I mean, opportunity plays a lot into it, also, and white men tend to experience more freedom in their movements and are less likely to draw suspicion from other people around them. Also, America is insane when it comes to gun control and glorified violence, which doesn’t help. One individual I’m thinking of because I went there on my honeymoon was the shooter in Las Vegas who completely evaded the suspicion of many people he came into contact with even though he brought with him to the Mandalay Bay casino an arsenal. He was a high roller, also, so he was left alone. I think the one person who noticed that he was strange was a security guard, whom he shot before shooting a number of people attending a concert.

          1. Survivor X says:

            Oh nm. Son of Sam was white, also. My bad.

          2. Claire says:

            The works of others are not all garbage but the DSM fails to address much pertinent information. It’s useless.

          3. Survivor X says:

            What did the DSM do to you? J/k It is merely a reference text. It’s just a checklist of attributes that each mental illness has. On it’s own in isolation, yes I’d say it’s pretty useless. Something tells me though that this isn’t just about the DSM-IV. Has a cluster b disordered individual let you down in some way? Welcome to the club. Being mad at the DSM is like being mad at a dictionary. If one were to rely solely on the DSM for info, it would be akin to only relying solely on the insights of a narcissistic psychopath for information. Their insights in isolation AND the DSM are very limiting. Yes, people like them can be quite scary, but a lot of things in this world are far more scary, like cancer, heart disease, facebook, people stupid enough to vote for Trump and allow him to have arguably the most powerful position in the world, just to name a few. I believe that the insights within you, Claire, are likely to be the most helpful in your life and far less limiting. All the answers and understanding already lie within you. People ultimately with cluster b disorders I find to be quite simple and often survivors like us are over complicating the simple truths that those with shallow emotions, a great sense of entitlement, god complex, are exploitative and manipulative and are not those with whom you would not want to associate. Ultimately they are dangerous and can and with motive and opportunity will hurt you or those closest to you. You may never completely understand them because you aren’t like them. Do your research, sure, but best use of your time is to focus on the beauty that is within you, and your recovery from those that have harmed you in the past. You are worth far more than those that pathologically hurt people and actually deserve your time and attention.

          4. Survivor X says:

            You might be interested in this article which criticized the DSM-5 (Lol my bad calling it DSM-IV):https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/dsm-5/criticism-dsm-5-misguided

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