Twenty Fuelling Admissions

There are many things that my kind like you to say. We want to hear your praise, your affection, your love and your adoration. We want to hear your anger, your frustration, your upset and your vitriol. You hear words. We hear emotions which fuel us and cause the powering flames to burn fiercer and higher. When you become ensnared by one of our kind, we make you a victim of our range of machinations. As part of this entrapment we aim to have you provide us with fuel and this is done by causing you to say certain things to us. We are obsessed with the concept of our status, our superiority and our power. We must always ensure that you are inferior to us, that we are in control and that you are obedient. If we ever feel that this imbalance is slipping, then we will fight to maintain it. We are the conqueror you are the conquered. In keeping with this need for control and domination, we want you to not only be the victim but ensure that you act as one and portray your status of victimhood at all times in your dealings with us, save when we decide to the contrary. The latter being usually for public appearances and the maintenance of the façade. We want and need to hear you reinstate your designated role. Of course this does not mean that you will declare that you are a victim, using those very words, because when we have you in our grasp you do not realise that you are indeed a victim. Instead we need to hear it through you stating certain phrases which amount to admissions that you are a victim. Understand that when you make these remarks you are fuelling us and also reinforcing the imbalance that exists between you and us.

  1. I am sorry.
  2. I just didn’t think.
  3. I don’t know what I am supposed to do.
  4. I can’t understand what you want.
  5. I can’t take this anymore.
  6. I will do anything for you.
  7. I just want this to work.
  8. I’m not giving up on us.
  9. I deserve better than this.
  10. Why are you doing this?
  11. Please stop.
  12. Please talk to me.
  13. Am I not good enough for you?
  14. Why is it only me that is treated like this?
  15. I just want to be happy.
  16. Tell me what you want from me.
  17. I didn’t realise.
  18. I always put you first.
  19. I want to make you happy.
  20. What’s happened to us?

19 thoughts on “Twenty Fuelling Admissions

  1. Steve. says:

    Towards the end of my marriage to my covert narc she became almost unrecognizable to me. I would be coming out with phrases like “I don’t know to act around you anymore”. She loved all that. It confirmed to her that all the confusion and anxiety she was inflicting on me was working very well. (I’m speaking with hindsight obviously).

  2. mollyb5 says:

    I see him play games with his clients too . He won’t call them back until they are upset and “ missing him”. He will start off pretending he is their best buddy ! Then poof he’s off relaxing at a burger place talking to waitresses , and not answering his calls etc. He feels he did his job at getting the client to want his services …then he can’t be reached . Then eventually when he needs their money he is all nice and has excuses that he’s soooo busy . He does this with male clients and females . It’s fuels him and keeps him entertained in the work world .

  3. mollyb5 says:

    HG ? are you lieutenants sometimes Narcissists …maybe , some midrange narcs ? Guys who hate women or men who like to get advice / on how to manipulate women ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes sometimes they are Lieutenants.

  4. Erin says:

    How do you handle another narcissist, or someone at least with string tendencies. Have you ever met one you acknowledge as smarter than you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. I manipulate them like anybody else if it serves my purposes to do so. If not, I ignore them.
      2. No.

  5. mollyb5 says:

    I say many of these ;-(. I think there has been more added to this list ?

    1. mollyb5 says:

      He also doesn’t tell me when he is leaving to go somewhere , and expects me to read his mind and already know , which is getting me to say , “I didn’t know” And “ you didn’t tell me”. So ..he must like that …he does that a lot .

      1. SMH says:

        Mollyb5, Mine did exactly that as well and yes, the purpose is to gain fuel.

      2. E. B. says:

        Hi Molly,
        “He also doesn’t tell me when he is leaving to go somewhere”
        Their sense of entitlement. They do as they please and if something doesn’t turn out as expected, they say it is our fault.

  6. deniseisdone says:

    Good morning HG. My time with IT (narc) lasted 15 months and luckily didn’t get this demeaning for me – we had only one argument in those months but it was hurtful enough that I dimmed my giving qualities and turned negative towards him. It took him a month to “get me back” and we never fought again (lasted eight more months) and then he totally disengaged – believe he was married yet LIED about that. This time I went totally NO CONTACT – he would have to come to my house physically to have contact with me but like you’ve stated “an effort would be required and IT doesn’t do effort”. Ohhh the things I’ve learned from you – thank you!!
    I live in the USA – Southern lady who doesn’t always just nod and smile if offended

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

  7. SMH says:

    HG, to me some of these indicate power rather than victimhood. I am definitely guilty of some of them but for instance saying ‘I am sorry’ indicates to me that I did something that actually affected MRN and therefore indicates that I do have some power over him.

    But for the sake of argument, what would not be an indication of victimhood? How about ‘you do not make me happy.’ Or ‘you are not good enough for me.’ Or ‘you are not giving me what I want.’ Are those challenge fuel or do they wound or what? To me they are just stating facts but I am curious as to how a narc would understand them.

  8. Veronique Jones says:

    HG When it comes to fuel If you have been across someone who is highly emotional possibly even borderline personality do you see that as a positive thing or someone to discard and Avoid

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the 5 Devaluation Triggers and the 5 Reasons We Disengage

      1. Claire says:

        And if borderlines are basically narcs why are they good fuel? I’m stuck on this

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Narcissists provide fuel also through emotional words, responses and actions. Think about it :-

          1. A narcissist seducing another narcissist uses a lot of emotional language which provides positive fuel i.e. love bombing;
          2. A narcissist seducing another narcissist may often do a lot of positive things (buying items, helping out, running around after, spending time with) i.e. love bombing
          3. A wounded narcissist will lash out therefore provide negative fuel.

          Thus even in a narc on narc scenario there will be plenty of fuel, the issue is the inherent control struggle which impacts on longevity, reliability etc.

          1. Claire says:

            I appreciate your illustration of the dynamic here. It really cleared up the questions I have had twirling in my head. I really want to see more work on the “disguise narcissist” diagnoses.. I know there is this whole empathy debate with BPD. As you re-paint my world I see different colors.

  9. .💜. says:

    Wow! I say these things all the time, I didn’t realize!

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