Tell Me That It’s True

I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.

I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.

You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.

Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?

When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.

When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.

It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.

I did not lie when I said that I loved you.

I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.

I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.

I just did not tell you the truth.

The truth that I never felt love for you.

Because I cannot do that.

14 thoughts on “Tell Me That It’s True

  1. Leigh says:

    I know you see people as your possession or your appliance but many people do love or at least like their possessions. They have a favorite t-shirt or they love their new car. Do you at least like your possessions or appliances? Has there ever been a time where you preferred one appliance over another?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Our preferences are driven in a different way to the way by which you identify something as a favourite. Everything is a favourite in the instant it needs to be a favourite and then when it no longer needs to be a favourite, it is not. There is not the constancy of allocating a favourite label to something in the way you do.

      1. FYC says:

        HG, Your above reply on favorite preferences is so very accurate and perfectly stated. I have seen this in every N I have known. I never understood this (prior to your wisdom) because I am sentimental and attach memories to places, and a few key items, etc. It is not the item that is important, but the fond memory it evokes. I cherish memories. I am sure that is ET at work. Your kind does not operate this way, because attachment (and sentiment) is the seat of misery for you. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered that created your coping mechanism, but at least you have found a way to make it work for you and thrive. Thank you for sharing this insight.

  2. Pk says:

    I am afraid for myself now since he is a mid range

  3. Pk says:

    Mine never told me he loved me just you live in my heart. He told right from the beginning he had no emotions or felt no love he was empty and cold. There was a black hole where there was supposed to be a heart . I knew about his passed as a child which was very bad . Since being a marine Corp sniper. Force recon I thought that’s why . Well now I know the truth. He use to say his relationship don’t last long and he gets bored. Now I told he he needs help . Well now he became mean to me and blocked me called me toxic . Now I know the truth and he is passing stuff around and does not care

  4. Sniglet says:

    Nice article H.G. I am curious about something. As a narcissist, how do you make difficult decisions that could potentially change your life without certainty if it’s for the better or worse? Do you seek advice from close friends, family, girlfriend, other? Are your decisions snappy? Do you take a few days? Months, years? What’s your process?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      One secures certainty first.

      1. Sniglet says:

        Thanks. Could you provide more detail? I’m interested in knowing your decision process in difficult situations. Who do you seek advice from? The mental process etc..

    2. FYC says:

      Hi Sniglet, Care to share in a generalized way what you are contemplating?

      1. Sniglet says:

        Hi FYC – Yes

        1. FYC says:

          Fair enough, Sniglet. Just wanted to make the offer. Take care.

          1. Sniglet says:

            Ahh, yes I want to share. Moving from one country to another for inheritance purposes. I am already established in one country and am happy where I am. The idea was put to me by a relative. I said absolutely not but they are insistent and it stresses me out. There is more to it but that is the gist of it.

          2. FYC says:

            Hi Sniglet, Sorry I misinterpreted. I do have a few thoughts on moving and on inheritance.

            On inheritance: When a condition is placed on inheritance, it can be a sign of manipulation, unless that person is near death and wants you to be in country to execute the will and settle the estate. If this is the case, you can make a short term stay in country and go back to where you are happy. If they are not near death, be VERY wary. One demand can lead to another with the carrot of inheritance every before you as means of manipulation (hijacking your compassion or provoking guilt or playing on a need of funds). If the person making the request needs some assistance, you can visit for a short time and go home. If you do decide to comply to this person’s demands because the inheritance is large, be sure to read the will and trust and verify funds are present as described. Make sure their is a living will (delineating their end of life care choices such as DNR, etc.). If you are their most trusted person, ask to be their durable power of attorney so you can execute their wishes and maintain their accounts until after death. If the person asking you to move is a VMRN, be very, very cautions before proceeding with any of this.

            On moving: Do not move unless this is what is best for you. Any assistance can usually be provided long distance and care assistance is available in most countries. You can still offer loving support and visit to assist without moving. You are happy where you are and that quality of life is worth a great deal. If the person making the request is someone you love, cherish and would travel to the ends of the earth for, then moving may be reasonable. It is a personal choice.

            I guess I would suggest asking yourself, “Can I satisfy any demands without moving?” And, “Can I be happy in the new location?” “Do I truly want to do this?” “What decision would I regret the most?” Be true to you and avoid the choice that does not honor your values and wishes. There is no wrong answer, only different outcomes. I Hope this helps. I sincerely wish you the best with this; it is a big decision.

  5. Hunt Simple says:

    I lived 26 years with a lower mid range somatic. She discarded me 2018 after serial adultery that she kept secret for a very long time. I engaged HG to help me, as prior to this event in my life I had never heard of narcissism. HG provided me with a narc detector to categorize my ex as a lower mid range somatic. it was amazing information and so helpful. I studied about hoovers from HG’s material. I knew a grand hoover was coming because she left the man she left me for and made it clear she wanted back. She said she had seen the darkness and wanted to change. I asked HG if she could change and he told me no. I did not believe him and tried to help her change. She just left again with another man only 5 months later. I should have listened. If HG tells you what a narc will do, believe him, it will save you a lot of heartache. This particular blog about narcs not being able to love is spot on. They do not and cannot have the ability to receive or give love and that can’t be changed. My life is a testimony to this.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.