But Why?


I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?


9 thoughts on “But Why?

  1. KellyD says:

    I rue the day I ever smiled at him. Sincerely. I’ve wasted so much time thinking about him, and allowed my spirit to be hurt.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      What’s your line in the sand? Have you ever given thought to what the limit would be for you in advance of it happening? What it would take for you to say enough? If he ever…………

      Do you feel comfortable enough to answer here?

      1. KellyD says:

        Yes, I’m there. I’m not willing to give anymore of myself or my time to him. I’m getting a lot of support in that here. I don’t live with him or work with him. But I do/did commute with him and (I thought) we were friends, and we were lovers (tho I haven’t seen him in a week or so and our communication has been sparse) and the appeal for both of those has pretty much worn off for me because I really get now that he isn’t real. Still, it’s a loss somehow and he does have an impact on me still. That’s what I’d like to kill… his impact, his effect on me, especially when we’re in the same place. I’m such a wuss. Yeah I’m still going thru this weird letting go, missing what I thought we had, and realizing a lot, looking back to the beginning. It’s a process.
        I appreciate this website and all of you and your stories and your strengths, and HG, of course. To tell someone who hasn’t been involved with a narc what I’m feeling, they’re like, what? Oh fuck that, just walk away. Indeed, I’d love that. I want that, but that damn ET. Just waiting for my zero impact assistance. I think that’ll get me over the hump.

  2. mai51 says:

    My ex, towards the end, used to ask, almost perplexingly, “Why do you want to stay with someone that says you repulse them? Why do you want something to work that is so toxic?” I used to reply, sobbing, “Because I love you…. because I believe in us. Because we were meant to be…. what we have is so special.”

    And then he would say…. “ This didn’t happen overnight Mai. This has been coming for a long time”.

    I could never understand it. My past relationships weren’t a roller coaster, they weren’t crazy making, so I had no point of reference.

    I thought that if two people loved each other then they could find a way to make it work. They could sort out differences and grow closer, stronger. But this time it just seemed that all I was doing was driving him away.

    It wasn’t until I found this blog that I realised you can’t drive something away that never existed in the first place. It’s like chasing a dream, a ghost, a lie.

    The switch from emotional thinking to logical thinking is almost as heartbreaking as the realisation that what you trusted, and believed in was never a reality. But the two go hand in hand.

    Thank you for this post H.G.

    Mai x

    1. mai51 says:

      But to expand on that, and I’m sorry HG, but I need this to be said…. but, personally, I don’t regret a thing…. I understand that my relationship wasn’t real, or truthful, or even two sided, however, the joy, and purity, and collaboration was real to me…. and perhaps that was needed at the time, to allow this bad union to develop, and destruct, so I could see my reality, and what I needed to do to be myself and be the person I should be…..

      I think everyone has a catalyst relationship, and he was mine. So, although hurt, how can I not be grateful? I have learnt painful lessons, I have cried and wailed, but I have awoken and become a better person and now appreciate more of the light and joy.

      So, I thank him for his darkness and despair…. because without it, I would not be able to shine so goddamn brightly.

      1. deniseisdone says:

        Mai51 I am so happy that your attitude is such and I totally understand it. If I were being honest with myself I too do not regret meeting IT (narc) but I keep wishing that I had been better prepared or at least somewhat knowledgeable about his kind – so much pain!

        Sadly I truly believe IT could have been a good man but that was not meant to be.

        1. mai51 says:

          Yes indeed Denise….. I wish my “education” had not taken 3 years, but I guess if the end result is that I’m in a much better place than before, then it’s a good result. If I hadn’t found this website, then things would be much, much different….

          1. deniseisdone says:

            Mai I feel the same way about this site and HG YouTube videos – they saved me from myself. I kept asking “why” and blaming myself – just hell bent on finding out the reason. I joined a Narcissist Recovery Support Group which only saddens me more and gave none of the answers I needed hence I went searching again for what I needed and found HG’s videos. He gave me everything I needed to understand the what/how and why and it hurt like hell! It saved me quite literally!

            Every word he spoke or wrote dug in deeper to my heart which made me realize the “whys” matter not but more importantly to leave IT alone and protect myself. That is when my healing began and I am 3 months of NO CONTACT and feeling like my old self but more savvy regarding narcs!

            I know now that I’ll be fine but I do pray for ITS next victim and the people on the recovery site as some are still living the nightmare daily.

  3. deniseisdone says:

    No. Perhaps they may want to seek therapy to understand they are wrong but we all know that will never happen. Isn’t it tough being right all the time? What you wrote slapped me right in the face and sadly every bit was the truth! Thank you so much for being brutal and honest.

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