The Devastation of the Illusion

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

16 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion

  1. DazedandConfused says:

    HG – I bought your book and one of the audio files. One thing I don’t understand. I NEVER sought to change him. Although I had no idea this was going to be so devastating, I never actively chose to ‘fix’ anything. And yet, the discard happened. Can you explain? Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Dazed, see the article 5 Reasons We Disengage From You. If you remain unclear, organise a consultation and I will explain it all for you.

      1. DazedandConfused says:

        I like the article and it makes sense as a rationalisation of this kind of malignant behaviour. That said, I’d like to pose you another – which is that things have been going too well, and fuel wasn’t forthcoming from the drama he’s used to. When energy is coming from positive sources like friends, parties, vacations, work, family, then that’s not ego fuel, and all that must be destroyed.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Are you asking me a question or suggesting a topic for me to write about, DAC, it is not clear.

  2. Tamara says:

    It is almost as if we are still looking for him in all the “other people” we meet, hoping to find him there. Our minds are not doing this, but our hearts are searching him out… everywhere. Yet, he is nowhere to be found. So, we are left with our hearts shattered, again and again.

    Perhaps if we haven’t properly healed from Narcissist Abuse, this is our lot; a newly broken heart, every day. The harm from These Kind goes so much deeper than “meets the eye”. No wonder victims give up the will to live, at times.

    This is why it is important that I keep reminding my heart to forget the fairytale, and remember the true joy that exists in life: our family; laughter; flowers; and, closeness with God.

    P.S. I don’t know why Smear Campaigners chose to make smears about me surrounding my much earlier comments when I was merely a youthful victim full of stupidity, impulsively, and still in the infantile stages of healing, as opposed to these comments here, where I am learning, and have wised up, considerably.

  3. michellegedwards says:

    The Narcissist is strong but knowledge and healing lessen his power. Acceptance of the monster is key!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Acceptance that you cannot control the ‘monster’ is key.

  4. nkunz10 says:

    You were an illusion and played every part profoundly, until that very day, the 1 year anniversary of your torment, May 13, 2019, my daughter gave it all, the final stage of her insane love that you manipulated to the very end .. and she snapped .. as her life ended in your driveway WEYMAN WHEELER!

  5. Elke says:

    This pice of writing explains so well how I feel. It’s almost as if somebody put on paper my thoughts. You must be a very emathic narc HG. It is so true that even tho the reality slaps you in the face that stupid heart still won’t listen and can’t let go.

  6. I am Destroyed says:

    This hurt. Like it really, truly cut to the core. It’s heartbreaking realizing he was an illusion.. that nothing was real. All our special, cute, loving moments were nothing. Every time he made love to me it meant nothing like he proclaimed. The crocodile tears he she’d when he was trying to explain how much he lived me were just conjured up. He never thought twice about hurting… Cheating on me..lying to me.. leaving me. He faked his love and happiness just to destroy, manipulate and break me down. I hate him. I hate narcissts!

    1. Sarah says:

      I am Destroyed
      I hear your devastation and I thank you for being so brave and candid in sharing it. The hate you feel toward N is only natural given your painful endurance of his low value, impulsive and deceitful behaviours. He has outdone himself in displaying why he is the shameless, selfish coward that does not deserve your love.
      Anger, hate and disappointment are strong emotions which provide a solid foundation and motivation to find a healthier and more content you. I found reading HG’s books religiously on the Stairmaster at the gym a fantastic way to absorb my newfound understanding of the N relationship dynamic. The sweat and exercise help to release any negative emotions you feel so they pass more quickly. The books will lead you to a place of indifference with all of this, because in consideration of your future, this relationship is insignificant and not worth your investment. You are on the right road and in the right place. You’ve got this!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Guess you found your stairway to heaven

        1. Sarah says:

          Ha -YES! Can’t go to the gym without you these days HG.

        2. foolme1time says:

          Great song HG. 🙃

  7. Steve says:

    No. I’m not in love that person I thought she was. Not now. I wouldn’t go near her now with the dog’s.

    1. Sarah says:

      Steve, I thought the exact same thing as I read the end of this article!

      I am happy to accept there was never love, only fakery and that my feelings in the relationship were premised on lies and not real. There is nothing left to love – the fantasy has been destroyed for me.

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