To Have Not To Hold


You can have our kind but you cannot hold on to us. We will not permit it. We are the archetypal individuals who you can experience, you can love, enjoy, cherish and so many other things but the one thing you may not do is hold on to us.

We allow you to have us because what we give you is constructed and comes at no great cost to us. Instead it allows us to gain. By being generous with our supposed love, passionate with our words, highly desirable with our sexual prowess, charming, flattering and everything else which you associate with out love bombing of you, we want you to have it all. We want you to have all of our charm, our magnetism, our illusion. We want you to drown in it, become engulfed by the blazoning lights and soothing sounds, swamped by the seductive desire that we sweep across you like a tsunami. You can have it all because the more we give you, the more likely you will be carried away by this tidal wave of false love. The more sugar we pour over you, the sweeter the golden period and the greater your addiction to us becomes. Naturally,the extent of how much you can have of us is governed by our energy levels and our capacity for control, so that the experience is all the more fuller should you be ensnared by a Mid Ranger than a Lesser and many times more intense should you fall prey to a Greater.

You can have all of our time because it serves our purposes. All of our focus is yours, you get our near undivided attention as we pull out all the stops to seduce and conquer. You can have our financial resources as we spend money on you (even when we may not have the money to spend on you – incurring debt or using someone else’s resources) , take you to places, book interesting days out, tempting nights out and utilise financial muscle, whether ours or borrowed from  bank or devalued victim, in order to let you have the full on magical experience that is being seduced by us.

We will grant you access to our friends, which of course is just allowing the façade to wrap around you and convince you of our bona fides, our supportive and attractive coterie all so giving of their time to you, praising us and welcoming you.

We will allow you to have a route to all of our favourite things, although of course this is manufactured in order to actually allow you to attach to your favourite things as we mirror your likes, your desires and your hopes back at you, but it is still giving of us.

The Somatic and Elite cadres will allow you to have us physically as the weapon of mass seduction that is sex, is rolled our to delight you. You are apparently given access to our most intimate of levels, in a series of steamy and orgasmic encounters as we utilise our well-practised sexual skills in conjunction with the whole orchestrated seduction of you to create an intense and mesmerising experience.

We may move you in, a supposedly generous act as we allow you to have closeness and regular time with us, all engineered of course to maintain our façade of pleasantry and reliability as you are bound closer to us. In some instances we perhaps allow you to have what could be considered the ultimate act of ‘having’ as we give you our seed or our womb for the purposes of the creation of new life.

Yes, by allowing you to have so much of us, we create the image of someone who gives, someone who sacrifices, who thinks of you before we think of ourselves and thus you, understandably, fall for this and truly believe you have us. You do have us but it is for, in the scheme of things, a fleeting instance. A mere moment in vastness of time and for all of its wonder and brilliance, you are allowed to have us but you cannot hold us.

We cannot allow this to happen because we will turn matters around, in order to ensure that our hunger for fuel is addressed, in order to cater for our slavish devotion to the maintenance of superiority and in order to assert our right to do as we please, when we please, how we please and with whom we please.

You cannot hold us. You cannot keep us. We regard ourselves as that omnipotent force that is not beholden to boundaries, constraints and bondage. You have no say over what we do. You are not there to impose your rules on us, keep us in check or prevent us from seeking out what we need in order to maintain our existence. Indeed, the prevention of you keeping us is material in ensuring that the threat of our departure is something that keeps you working hard to please us,to provide that fuel, be it positive or negative and to allow us to keep you just where we want you. We can keep a hold of you of course, that is the nature of the narcissistic covenant, but as usual, what applies to you will not apply to us and vice versa.

We make the decisions. We choose. We execute and operate. We are not there to be bound to one person and especially one which will invariably fail us. We consider ourselves as beyond such things and therefore the notions of faithfulness, fidelity and monogamy are cast out as evicted tenants from the House of Narc.

We want you to try to hold on to us, that is part of our game playing. We want you to strive to keep us, to exert your every waking moment to clinging on to us but it can never happen. We are programmed to reject that desire to keep us as you want us to be. There is no hope for it to happen, but we will give you that false hope, through the respite periods and the periodic resumption of the golden period. You are led to believe that you have managed to keep us, that you can continue to have us and to hold us, but it will not last and it cannot last because the concept of being beholden to you and just you will ultimately run contrary to our needs and as you are well-acquainted with the idea now, our needs must always come first.

We decide when we come back, we decide when the false love is shown to you again, we decide when you get to see us, get to speak to us and receive our attention, seduction, fury or disdain. We must behave this way to shore up our idea of being the one who calls the shots, who makes the decisions and pulls the strings because we dare not contemplate for too long what would happen if we allowed you to take hold of matters.

We will always let you have us, but you will never be allowed to hold us.

20 thoughts on “To Have Not To Hold

  1. Joanne says:

    So true. Funny how it all operates on your (his) terms. Once the romantic affair stopped and we were only connected over social media, any time I were to initiate anything – a pleasant comment, etc, it would be responded to politely – for the most part, but really met with indifference. Whereas when HE would initiate a communication, it would be cheerful, sweet, full of compliments, etc. HE decided when we would engage. It was all always on his terms entirely.

  2. KellyD says:

    Perfect picture.

  3. Lou says:

    I was thinking this morning how narcissists are addicted to distraction. Always move, always do, never stop. I see the force that that dynamic entails, and even admire it. And I am learning from it and using it too. It feels great because I am using it without abusing anyone, just benefiting myself.
    But I think I wouldn’t like to live like that compulsively. Not when I know and feel there is something eating me inside, even if I’d just feel it for a very brief moment during the day, every day.
    I guess the whole dynamic would be just perfect if they didn’t need the negative fuel and the abuse and chaos that entails.
    I hope you get there HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We are addicted to fuel, the need for it gives the appearance of distraction, but it is the fuel we need, not the distraction.

      1. Lou says:

        I know it’s fuel, HG, having control and feeling power. I just looked at it (fuel) this morning as distraction from your inner weaknesses, if that makes sense.

      2. Lou says:

        A distraction from feeling lack of control.
        May not be a good comparison.

    2. Lou says:

      I meant to write “ not if I knew and felt something was eating me inside”
      Although, doesn’t every body has always something eating them inside to a certain degree? But I know the narcissists ‘ creature ‘ goes deeper

    3. MommyPino says:

      Lou, I don’t think that dynamic would be perfect even if they didn’t need the negative fuel. Being always on the move and always looking for the new adventure can be fun, but if you are just brought in that adventure as an appliance and not as an equal player, then it still sucks. Their need to be in control sometimes sucks more than their need for negative fuel.
      I remember having to transfer schools every year except on fifth grade and third year h.s. because no school would accept a transferee a year before the student graduates grade school and high school. Having to move to different apartments and locations almost every few months. Everything is done without consideration for me as the other party affected by the next move or adventure.

      1. Lou says:

        MP, I can understand how hard it must have been for you to be moving and changing schools constantly as a kid and a teenager, and I totally agree with you that the dynamics between a narc and a no narc would be far from ideal even if the narc would only require positive fuel.
        My comment above was more from the perspective of the narcissist. I was thinking that the defense mechanism (what I called dynamic) is “perfect “ for someone who suffered the lack of control and the abuse in their formative years because it helps them move forward, be “strong”, survive, and achieve and not get stuck, or depressed, etc. It’s nothing really new what I was saying, but lately I have been having some experiences in my life that made me write about it.

        1. MommyPino says:

          Thank you Lou, I see what you’re saying now. You’re not referring to a narc-empath dynamic but the dynamic within oneself. Thank you for clarifying. In that case, I have applied the same dynamic within myself. I like to be like a flowing water. I don’t want to be in a vessel. Always moving and always free.

  4. Tamara says:

    Ouch. Whoever said “It is better to have loved, and lost, than to never have loved at all”, never loved a Narcissist.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They probably did Tamara and that was precisely why they wrote what they did, they will not have realised they loved a narcissist, however.

      1. Tamara says:

        Oh, true, HG.

      2. Lorelei says:

        I agree and it was never love anyway.

  5. Narc noob says:

    HG, I’ve written about this elsewhere but I can’t find the post so apologies in advance for repeating myself.

    I think there’s a bit of a gap in your work. I assume you will correct me if I’m wrong.

    I’m speaking especially in terms of those Ns who do marry and stay married. There may well be devaluation and cheating where emotions, money or time is concerned but not necessarily intimacy. These people carry out a lot of what you write about in their relationships with family/co-workers or NIPs instead. Perhaps it’s the facade management due to their environment/religious background? Perhaps this attention they seek can be sourced easily enough elsewhere and that’s why keeping the intimate relationship intact is achievable?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See Stepford Devaluation.

      1. MommyPino says:

        HG, which school of empath can be Stepford devalued?

        1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Jacqueline says:

        HG Tudor,
        Im on to my ex player 23 years younger narc long ago…
        I have made the decision to try abd keep him as my friend in some way…
        I feel for him and dare not feel sorry for anymore…Lesson showed me to love myself , be strong in boundaries and let go of killing w kindness thus helping him to be a better man…Now im healing,learning missing him,
        Why would i miss a guy that gave me nothing? Literrally nothing, and treated and spoke to me so disrespecful ?
        Never a validation or compliment of any kind… And i never gave like i gave to this chump.
        Part of it was the mommy in me saw the kid in him maybe, idk…
        But he did say he cared about me…wow! Lol. Did he mean that??
        He says he worries about me that i will be alone… Projection?
        He says sex is like and addiction, and he cant say No to any woman…
        Then said he only said that for my reaction!
        Then aftervi say, then im nothing to you, he says to me then he better stand back from our friendship.
        Wtf…so devalue…discard…i knew this was coming.
        Wonder if ge will return, wonder if he cared..
        Yep just a user on to many other girls im sure…
        Should i tell him i am aware of this disorder?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No. If you want to gain further assistance with regard to this situation Jacqueline, use this

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