It hurts doesn’t it, when you see we have moved on with indecent haste and entered a new relationship. In the fullness of time you may look back and be thankful that we had turned to someone other than you, but at the moment of knowing that we are with somebody else so soon after discarding you (and even when you escape us it still stings – did you not matter at all?) it hurts you. Of course it does. You invested so much in the concept of us and then we did our level best to warp, batter, twist, burn and destroy what was built. Notwithstanding what has happened, it remains the case that you look on with a mixture of pain and astonishment at how soon we have managed to find somebody else and more to the point, how readily we flaunt this state of affairs through our repeated updates and relationship bulletins.

You should not be surprised at this development however once you begin to understand how we operate. Where you have been discarded, your replacement was already lined-up. We were spending time with your replacement, commencing the triangulation, sowing the seeds of your (invented) psychotic behaviour to them and seducing them ready to switch from you to them as easily as flicking a switch. To us this transition is normal and necessary. To you it offends your sense of honesty and decency. If you managed to escape us before we had found or embedded the replacement primary source you force us to locate and/or embed with urgency. We have been denied our primary source of fuel and need to put in place a new one straight away. The choice may not be perfect (hence why you may be wondering why on earth we are with that person) but be with someone we must and of course we want you to know. There is fuel to still be had from you and misery to unleash against you.

Yet, what is the situation should the shoe be on the other foot? How do we react when we become aware that you have chosen another intimate partner? What is our response?

Often this does not happen for some time. The reasons for this are manifold.

  1. You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
  2. You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
  3. You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
  4. You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
  5. You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
  6. The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.

We understand that there are these several reasons why you are unlikely to find someone after the Formal Relationship with us has ended. This is part of the reason why we are encouraged to keep coming back and hoovering you because there is unlikely to be somebody else involved who proves an obstacle to us doling out a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and drawing you back into our clutches.

However, it does happen. Some of you take a considerable time before moving on to another relationship for the reasons explained above. Others may move with more speed, not always for the right reasons but that is not what is to be examined here. Indeed, some of you are captured by a different member of our kind, falling victim to the apparent concern and charm exhibited by this white knight when you are still blind to what you entangled with the first time around. How do we feel when we see that you are with somebody else?

The immediate reaction is one of the ignition of fury. You belong to us. Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to us forever and therefore you are not permitted to enter into an intimate relationship with somebody else. That is an implied term of that contractual situation. By choosing somebody else you are telling us that we are not good enough. How dare you commit such a treacherous act? It does not matter that we got rid of you. It does not matter that we were horrible in our treatment of you and nobody (save us) could blame you for getting away from us. The fact is we expect your total loyalty forever. Your choice of someone else as an intimate partner (and this has equal applicability if you choose one parent over another, a sibling over another, or a friend over a narcissistic friend) is a huge affront to us and wounds us considerably. With this fury ignited we will seek fuel, both from our existing primary source and supplementary sources if need be, but we also want to draw this fuel from you and/or your intimate partner. We want to derail what you have got. You are not allowed to be loved by anybody but us. Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us. You are our possession and nobody else is allowed near you. With fury ignited and fuel being gathered to heal the wound caused by this criticism, what is our further response?

  1. You will be smeared to third parties. We will roll out a further smear campaign suggesting you were seeing this person behind our back (even though you may never have even known them when we were together or that it has been three years since you and I were in the Formal Relationship). We tell family, friends and all we can about how treacherous and unfaithful you have been. This gains us fuel and also has the potential to influence how those people treat you, allowing our power to be extended through them.
  2. You will be smeared to your new intimate partner. The lies will flow thick and fast as we look to frighten them off.

“Just thought I should let you know mate she is a gold digger.”

“You won’t know this but he has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can.”

“I hope you are using condoms pal after the amount of men that slut has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac.”

“She won’t be faithful to you, you know. She is a user. Did it to me. She will do it to you.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? Yes, you are nodding. She said the very thing to me about the chap she was seeing before me. She is dangerous. I ended up being hospitalised after the way she treated me. No need to thank me, thought you needed to know.”

“Good luck with that one pal, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Your new partner will be smeared to you, by us.

“Just thought I should let you know he is a gold digger. I found out that he hasn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t want to think of him taking your money.”

“You won’t know this but she has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can. My friend is a doctor and has seen him being treated for excessive drinking. Just thought you should know.”

“I hope you are making him use condoms after the number of women that manwhore has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac. My mate is a policeman. List of convictions as long as your arm. Of course if you ask him he will deny it, but you know me, I am just looking out for you. I always have done.”

“He won’t be faithful to you, you know. He is a user. Did it to his wife. He will do it to you. How do I know? Friend of a friend.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? She doesn’t even know me and she is saying things about me. Imagine what she will start saying about you? It is only a matter of time.”

“Good luck with that one, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Expect Benign Follow-Up Hoovers as we assert how much we miss you, how much we want you back, how we are better than this person. If we are content with our primary source this may still be done not to bring you back to us but just to ruin your relationship so you leave that person expecting to come back to us and then we turn our backs on you. All that matters is the fuel from our still functioning new primary source, from your distraught reaction to our behaviour and the knowledge we have messed up your relationship.
  2. Intimidation and malign hoovering in order to cause your new intimate partner to think that it is just not worth the hassle so they end up leaving you. “I do like you, but it is your ex, he scares me and I cannot have him causing problems for me at work, I am sorry, but I have to end things.”

We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. We cannot bear to see you happy knowing that somebody else is causing this. We have to control you and all around us and this extends to affecting your new relationship. We will always look to drive a wedge between you and your new intimate partner, whether through appearing to do the right thing (warning you about this person or asserting we still love you) or by doing a bad thing (making it too much aggravation for both of you to remain together) so that we gain fuel from your reaction and his/her response to this interference and in so doing we exert our power and control, content in the knowledge that you are our possession once again. We must derail your happiness in a new relationship.

11 thoughts on “Derailed

  1. Abe Moline says:

    Yes, funny how she approached my wife at some point telling her out of the blue how some of my (completely benign) behavior can be explained by the fact that I have some issues from childhood. 🙂
    It was totally ridiculous from a logical standpoint. I guess she is not that smart after all, if all she could come up with was that crap…

    I was in some sort of NC at the time.
    I already assumed she was a narcissist, so it did not surprise me, it just solidified my belief.

  2. Bekah B says:


    Wish this was posted back around this time last year.. My MMRN ruined a budding relationship between me and a guy I met at an auto mechanic shop.. He called him from my phone, told him who he was to me (the father of our daughter), explained he didn’t care if the guy and I talked or not, but that he just wanted him to be aware he would be around consistently because of our daughter.. Of course the guy played it cool on the phone, but subsequently cut me off afterwards, due to my daughter’s father’s childishness.. I was appalled.. But over time I did come to the same conclusion that’s outlined here: it was all about him exerting his power and control over me.. Even if he didn’t wanna be with me, exclusively, he wasn’t about to allow me to enjoy myself with any other man.. And God knows he would never allow me to do what he did on the phone to one of his many secondary sources.. He always had to have all of the power and control in all of our many circumstances.. Even now.. Smh..

  3. Cindy says:

    You listed 6 scenarios/reasons on why the survivor has not taken up with a new partner. All six were spot on and all six felt like a punch in the stomach. I escaped him 3 years ago and I remain single with no desire to date.
    I hear through the grapevine (not social media) that he has had a few girlfriends, lives on full government benefits, and frequently takes excursions on his new motorcycle. I feel the wind has been knocked out of me even though none of this news came as a surprise.
    What happened to the mean, lazy, selfish, abusive, isolating ogre I supported for 6 years? He was miserable for a bit, but back on the prowl as if I’ve never existed.
    I’ve witnessed the way he has always weaseled his way through the roadblocks of life without taking responsibility for the road kill he leaves behind.
    I am beyond furious. I can’t shake the feeling of jealousy and resentment. I’m the good guy here, where’s my new Triumph?
    I appreciate the validation your words have given me, and I thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.

  4. Bluewave says:


    why does narcissist hoover former intimate partners expecially around HIS birthday? This is the time when he is most active – trying to provoke to break NC and so on. For him it is more common to hoover during his birthdays than yours, what may be a little strange.

    Is it that because of narcissism they feel more vulnerable or lonely during that time and they want to know someone still cares? Or do they think that victims because of their empathy are more vulnerable and sentimental during that time…?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Bluewave, please see the book – Danger 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist – it is covered in there.

  5. Lori says:


    How does this apply to secondary sources either shelved or disengaged (to me there is little difference ) when you stop contacting them do they feel criticized? How do they feel when they see you looking well and achieving things?

    I ask because early in the relationship he said if this doesn’t work out I know you’ll be fine. You are an attractive woman and you will move right on. I’m also asking because while I do not speak to the man and he doesn’t speak to me , I always have a sense he’s lurking . Thru social media and friends somehow his name always comes up. Is this in my mind is it just wishful thinking on my part?

    , ,

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Do you mean how do the narcissist feel if you stop contacting the narcissist? It depends on your position in the fuel matrix and the current condition of the dynamic.
      2. Do you mean how does the narcissist feel if he sees you looking well and achieving things? Again, it depends on your position in the fuel matrix and where the dynamic currently is.
      3. You have no contact with one another, but I do not know if he disengaged from you, where you sit in the fuel matrix, whether he is with somebody else or not, whether you escaped and other factors also. Accordingly, there are too many variables for me to give you an accurate answer. I need more specific information and therefore you should arrange a consultation.
      I would state that whilst we do engage in passive hoovers and the gathering of evidence, you should not adopt the stance that he is always lurking unless you have evidence to support that, otherwise this is likely to be your emotional thinking causing you to think he is watching etc to (a) keep you thinking about the narcissist ; (b) possibly talking about the narcissist with other people ; (c) cause you to take further action to engage in some additional way with the narcissist so you feed your addiction. Look for evidence, do not be influenced by ‘feelings’ without evidence.

    2. Lorii says:

      Ok got it. Honestly I have seen anything weird from him lately other than a month ago he spoke to one of my friends on the phone. She is his friend too but he knows darn good and well that she is close of course if cams out about what he has been up to etc and I haven’t really gotten anymore fake friend requests. Nothing. I assume I’m not disengaged because I can text him. He just doesn’t reply. I don’t contact him anymore it’s been more than 2 months now. I just stopped because it was pointless to continue to give him fuel. It just weird how I don’t talk about him yet his name continues to come up through a mutual friend who suspects but does not know we were involved. I never mention his name ever yet I know what’s going on with him. I feel like he keeps her close as a way of staying connected to me without being connected to me. I feel like she’s the portal in which he makes sure I hear things but perhaps that’s my ET

      I would say the only evidence I have is that somehow I know what’s going on with him yet I never bring his name up. Would that be considered evidence ? I used to get the fake friend request that were definitely him but not anymore

      1. Lori says:

        Well I spoke to soon. I do not know why I doubt myself. It turns out that one of his fake profiles (that he know I know is him. We have 19 mutual friends ) has unblocked. I have some uncanny ability that I know when he’s lurking. I can feel it sometimes. I had no physical prof and then wham tonight I saw it. I had to do a double take but yes he unblocked me. Why would he do this under the fake profile and not his real one ? He knows I know this profile is him

        1. empath007 says:

          Always trust your instincts.

  6. Joanne says:

    I really wish he was the relationship bulletin type. But no, he prefers to slither around out of sight, spinning multiple IPSSs like plates in the air, all behind the scenes.

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