Drunk With Fatigue




Are you reading this through bleary eyes as you desperately await the effect of a caffeine boost to kick start your weary self into life to endure another day? Perhaps you can vividly recall that drained sensation that haunted you and that nagging ache which was ever present behind your eyeballs? The need to close your eyes and slip into a deep and restful slumber. All you wanted to do was to close your eyes and allow the tiredness to evaporate and shrouded in the amnesiac qualities of sleep you would be given respite from the nightmare that enveloped you. Yet, you were never able to achieve that sleep. Your near permanent anxiety meant that as you lay in bed you were tensed, ready to respond to the next jibe or manipulation. You heard a click. Was that me exiting the study at long last and coming to the bedroom or was it just the house settling? You were hyper vigilant and you cannot now recall how long that state had existed but you did know that it caused a nightly battle where you tried to sleep but each sound made you twitch and ready yourself. Sometimes you must have fallen asleep, such was the extent of your exhaustion and you dreamed and then suddenly you awoke. What had happened? Why did you awake so suddenly? You twist and see me there lying fast asleep, unburdened by any concerns. Even now you want to reach out and touch me in the hope that my hand will be placed on your shoulder and then my arm will envelope you, making you feel safe and secure, like it once did. You have learned not to reach out though for the consequences of waking me from my rest are not worth experiencing again. Instead, your shaking hand retreated and you turned to look at the clock and you sighed with resignation as you realised that the fitful sleep you had endured was only about an hour in length.

You lay there, eyes stinging and head heavy giving thanks that it was not one of those nights where I repeatedly jabbed you in the back to stop you sleeping. How did I manage to do that and then bound from the bed refreshed and revitalised as you rose like a zombie? How had I been able to interrupt your sleep through the night by prodding you and yet I was energetic? Was I sleeping during the day like some vampire hiding from the sunlight? At least this time I am sleeping and you have been spared the intermittent prod in the small of your back. It is a small mercy since the questions and thoughts race around your mind, as they always do in the dead of night. Why is this happening? What has gone wrong? Why am I doing this? When will it end? How can you stop it? Should you ask me to talk about it or will that risk another argument? How much more can you take? When did you last sleep properly? These questions and more besides whirl around in your mind, having taken a hold in your head. Your eyes flick to the silent television set in the corner of the room and you debate watching something, anything, just to break the relentless churning in your skull, but even with the volume set at barely audible you know it will disturb me and then it will be your fault again.

You look to the door now closed. You managed to resist a lock being fitted to the bedroom door, wary of what further horrors might be unleashed against you if your exit was barred but each day you fear that on your return that you will see an invoice from a joiner on the kitchen table and a lock has been fitted. You ponder whether you should head downstairs and see if sleep will come on the sofa or at least you can put the headphones on and listen to a radio play or some music. That would provide some sanctuary but yet again, as if possessed of some sixth sense, you know that I will appear and demand to know what you are doing downstairs in the middle of the night. No matter how deeply I appear to be sleeping it as if I sense your absence and come looking for you. It is then that you face the accusations of texting some man behind my back even though your ‘phone is not to hand. It does not matter what the facts are does it? I always find a way of twisting the blame on to you. No, you cannot steal downstairs and instead you must remain board stiff in bed as your eyes watch the incessant march of time and sleep remains evasive. You can feel the hammering of your heart in your chest. Even though nothing is happening and all is quiet and still, that sense of foreboding remains. A cold hand of dread has gripped your heart and squeezes, driving the breath from your body and causing anxiety to spread across you. Perhaps you ought to see the doctor and see if he will prescribe something for this? You will need to do it without my knowledge otherwise I shall accuse you of attention-seeking by going to the doctor without consulting me first. I, of course, know what is best for you and I screen everything you do before determining whether I shall allow it. You know you ought to fight against it but you are so tired, so weary and you need what little strength remains to help you navigate a way throughout the day without treading on a mine and causing an explosion of fury. It is getting harder. You forget things now. Your memory used to be excellent or at least you think it did. Even thinking is becoming arduous and sometimes you just sit, staring into space, caught somewhere between wakefulness and hypnosis. If only one night of rest could come, if only this anxiety, this fear, this wariness would leave you and let you gain some strength, then you would not make the mistakes and I would not be angry. Perhaps then we could be as we used to be. You can still remember that and hope with all your heart that somehow this situation can be retrieved. You never felt tired then. You never walked with a shuffle or placed the milk in the dishwasher in error. You did not forget you were baking something until the acrid smell of smoke jolted you from your daydreaming and had you running into the kitchen, cursing your foolishness and immediately wondering if you could cook a fresh batch before I came home and witnessed another of your failures.

The clock shows 5am and sleep has evaded you once more. The dull throb in the centre of your forehead remains. You would have to be up in an hour anyway. There is no point trying to sleep now. You can see the first rind of dawn trying to permeate through the curtains and another day has arrived. You may as well rise and weave through this day, whichever day it is, is it Wednesday or Thursday? You cannot quite remember. You slide your feet from the bed and sit up, glancing at me over your shoulder, back now turned to you, my body rising and falling in a steady rhythm as I sleep on, oblivious to your exhaustion. You stand and sway a little as you ready yourself for another day of feeling drunk with fatigue.

Listen to Drunk With Fatigue


32 thoughts on “Drunk With Fatigue

  1. ava101 says:

    I think that a lot of narcs empaths has to do with oxytocin. It is not only for bonding, etc., but also empathy. And it can also increase emotional pain & bad social memories.
    I believe that I have heightened level, and would very much like to know how to DEcrease it.
    There are tests, sprays for INcreasing — you should try those oxytocin meds, HG, and then tell us about the effect — , but the research seems to be slower on the other side.
    So, I seem to attract / be attracted to not only narcs, but also people with similar problems in regard to bonding & empathy (e. g. autistic spectrum).

    If anyone has a resource on how to reduce oxytocin, that would be great.

  2. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

    Caroline: This one that you said: “what was I just about to do?” as short term memory was struggling to function.` I live in a smallish studio apartment. But, it became vast. I would wonder, why am I heading towards the kitchen? I could not remember, but, followed my footsteps, stood in there, and then remembered: Oh…my phone is charging…it is ready. Or, I would be walking towards the bathroom and wonder why, and then say, as I stood there a moment or 2: Oh…I need the scissors. etc. So many times, I just followed my feet. And then let my mind catch up. What a shame, but my mind was not working, so my purpose by instinct went into my feet to direct my steps. So odd and dexterous the survival instinct can be. That is all over now. I think first, then act, instead of act first by following my feet, and then think secondly, by trying to remember why I am here or there, as directed by my feet.

  3. Lara says:

    HG, it’s taken me a long time to admit what my life has been.

    I was legally kidnapped by a narcissist.
    Also internationally.

    My life has been a real hell.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Kidnapping is illegal.

      1. Lara says:

        Tudor, Kidnapped by legal adoption of children.

    2. Lara: Are you saying you were kidnapped according to the legal definition of kidnapped? If so, so many women are kidnapped, even if they are locked in a room for a day or 2, or threatened to accompany someone somewhere, or face terrible damage of some sort. Or their family is threatened to be harmed. It happens a lot, and sometimes the women know that something very bad is happening, and bad explanations are being tossed to them, but, they are actually being kidnapped, without fully realizing this to be the circumstance. Because, they are being told they are involved in something else. Whatever the case, I am very very sorry for you , and I believe you, and I hope you have managed to escape. Some women go on and stay in the relationship with their kidnappers, in a sort of stockholm syndrome sort of way, for many many years. Thinking they have lost too much to make it out and thrive any longer. it is not true. That thinking is part of a mental type of fog. HG Tudor is telling you IT IS ILLEGAL, so you will find help if you have to. It is not a secret crime now, like it often used to be, and authorities are fully aware of all the cunning and deceitful and crafty ways it can be perpetrated against someone. And also to make the victim think no one would believe them, because it would seem like they were willing participants. Especially if some time had passed since the initial kidnapping occurrence. That was the threat as well. It is no longer valid. The gig is up. I hope you are free now.

      1. Lara says:

        Hi Princess 🙂
        Thank you very much for all your words of support.

        In my case it was legal kidnapping by adoption.

        I lived in an orphanage in my country until I was 8 years old, with my brother, and sincerely … The orphanage was a paradise compared to the narcissistic abuse that I suffered in my adoption.

        I consider it a kidnapping, because they took me out of my country, they changed my identity, they separated me from my brother forever, and many other things.

        In my case, the narcissistic abuser was my adoptive “mother”.
        My father is a good man and I consider him my father … Although he was always cold and distant, but I understand that he was also a victim of this abuse.

        PD: Sorry if my English is not good.

        1. Lara. Wow. I am sorry that is your experience, and that you lost your brother. Your English is fine. I am a native English speaker, and my English is not so good, a lot. English, for some reason is not an intuitive language for me, for whatever reason. So I am a bit clumsy in my English. Anyway, adoptions and foster homes, and melded families from remarriage, etc, have so many horror stories. It is amazing that you came out of it not hating the entire world. I hope you find strength for yourself on Narcsite and in your life. People on here are not surprised by much, and HG Tudor is not surprised by much of anything at all. It is a healthy catharsis to sometimes talk about what happened, and I do not know why, but I felt better and mentally healthier on here when I told my particular problem. Here, people will believe you. Many of us have family members that are lost to us for various reasons, and loved ones that we can not locate, no matter how we try, even with the internet and detectives. I know so very much that it hurts, and that it is always in the background of our minds, and some days it hurts more than other days, and some days we have a mental rest. And it hurts that we have to keep living even though we have not found justice over what has happened to us. Whether or not what happened to us was categorized as legally criminal or not, it was criminal to us.

          1. Lara. It is a total lack of humanity to separate siblings in an adoption. It should have been mandatory, to take you both or the adoption can not move forward, from that place where you and your brother lived. I wonder if that place is still around.

    3. KellyD says:

      Lara, I’m sorry for your painful experience. Just know that you can tell anything here and expect support and solid advise in return. We’re all flawed and hurt by our experiences in one way or another. Maybe you can help us, too.

  4. empath007 says:

    This is also what the majority of men put women through once they have children. And they Also sleep with out a care in the world oblivious to their partners exhaustion.

    … men
    Useless lol.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Majority of men? Evidence?

      1. Lorelei says:

        HG I just can’t figure out how you know all this stuff. I mean—I know in a way—but it’s like your mind knows every element of the misery, not just being the “perpetrator”
        and I’m sorry if that word is strong but it came to mind and you self admit the behaviors which perpetuate this cycle of misery.. I slept for a few years—I feel robbed. Mostly I’m positive and ok, but I do have pieces of me that feel absolutely vandalized and robbed. To reconcile this feeling coupled with how he just moves on with not a care in the world does piss me off at times.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. I know what I do, I am not blind to it.
          2. I am very clever.
          3. I observe and I listen, like a scientist observing lab rats.
          4. I note, store and assess.

          You get the benefit of all of this diligence. You may thank me now!

          1. Lorelei says:

            HG—lab rats?? Really? You can’t do any better than make me feel like a lab rat??

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I wasn’t referring to you. Further, you missed the point.

          3. Lorelei says:

            I’ve been up for 24 hours Mr. Smarty Pants. 🤷🏼‍♀️

          4. Lorelei says:

            Even a field mouse would be a step up.

          5. MB says:

            Although the subject matter of this article is disturbing, it is beautifully written and the recording of it is delicious.

      2. empath007 says:

        Gladly HG.

        It is a societal norm In many cultures that the women take on the majority of the childcare. This is slowly changing but it still remains a very big issue for women everywhere. I could google statistics if you’d like of work/home balance and how even working mothers take the brunt of the home duties.

        In terms of night waking. There are a few reasons men tend to believe they are entitled to sleep.
        A) due to the physical act of childbirth it is the woman who usually gets the time off work for medical purposes ( this time is dependant on where a person lives in the world, and nature of the birth) I also recognize there is adoption, where I have witnessed women tend to take the time off work in those scenarios as well.

        This is important in my defence because taking the time “off” equates to – at home the next day. Which equates to their sleep not being as important.

        B) as MB pointed out. Breastfeeding is involved. Which men can not physically do. And a lot of babies won’t eat another way even if the bottle is tried.

        So men priotize their sleep in general. Work outside the home has traditionally been viewed as more important then work in the home.

        More evidence… every girlfriend I have with children, this is their experince. Also. it was mine.

        I was most definitely just poking fun NA lol. Just a sassy comment in regards to men.

        However to answer your other questions: women marry men and have children because they don’t know what thier partner will be like when the children are born. That first year of having children is extremly stressful on a couple. And until someone has a child… they really have no idea the changes it will make in thier life.

        I don’t know how old you are NA or if you have kids of your own or friends with kids. But once you see children come. Tensions usually rise in marriages for a time. And it is largely due to the reason of disproportionate roles.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I agree with your points. I don’t have children for many reasons. Some of them being the societal expectations and reasoning you note. What I don’t understand is how women see it in their friends and other women but can’t see that it will happen to them also. I can’t think of one friend who hasn’t experienced this and yet sat in groups listening to women tell them that it would before they were ever pregnant, and now they carry forward that message to others. It seems that emotional thinking is engaged here also in that the prevailing thought process must be: yes, but that is you and that won’t happen to me. The drive to have children must be so strong that it drowns the evidence from others and the logic that it will likely happen to you out. How else can it be explained? I do see the tensions and it’s no mystery to me why so many families fall apart.

    2. Lorelei says:

      My kids father actually was helpful with the kids when they were small. They all operate differently. I think more mid range men are helpful with child rearing duties.

    3. NarcAngel says:

      I assume that was just a light hearted poke at men (as we all have done on occasion) because if it were true, the question would be: why do women keep pursuing them and having children with them?

    4. MB says:

      Empath007, that’s exactly what I thought of when I read this article this time. I’ve only ever felt this level of fatigue as a new mother. I can’t speak to the behavior of the majority of men, but my husband was unhelpful for several reasons. 1. I was breastfeeding. (Admittedly, not much he could do there.) 2. He actually believed it was “easier” for me to get up through the night and change diapers and do feedings than it was for him. (Uh, no it isn’t! I must make it look easy cause I’m Super Mommy?) 3. He slept through it. 4. I was the one that wanted the baby. (That one was hard to swallow.)

      As far as the article, you can fuck all that sky high. A lock to keep me escaping my own bedroom?!? Jabbing me throughout the night in the small of my back?!? Not free to move to the sofa and listen to my headphones?!? “Approving” everything I do!!! You can keep your golden period cowboy if this is the price of it. A baby is worth the fatigue, you acting a baby however, is not. Can you tell this article upset me this time? Yeah, it flew all over me!

    5. blackunicorn123 says:

      empath007, I understand what you are getting at. I know a lot of women who would relate to what you say, myself included. I worked full time, didn’t have maternity leave, and I was still expected to do everything – my husband just absented himself, either by going to work or going to the gym, or whatever other excuse he could find. I have never been so tired in my life. And if I tried to say anything? It became a competition about who worked the hardest, or was the most tired. I know many women who have also tried to have this “conversation” with their partners. I hear you.

  5. Christopher Jackson says:

    Damn another good peice spot on as usual point awarded to hg. That is exactly it you all bother us so bad we cant even sleep its ongoing even when we leave we cant sleep I guess until the golden period comes back….or does it ???

  6. Dearest HG: This quote was so me during the height of my entanglement. I remembered the days when I: [ `… never walked with a shuffle or placed the milk in the dishwasher in error. ` ] ~~HG Tudor. I was so extremely exhausted day after day. Misplacing so many things. Losing things. Neglecting to pay bills. I was also leaving my valuables all over the place. Keys (paying for replacements and new cylinders for my mailbox and a new mailbox key, that mailbox cylinder being a surprising new replacement expense in NYC apartments), wallet, Identification and Credit Cards. shopping and paying but leaving the purchases behind. Leaving groceries behind, after purchase. Leaving my favorite water containers behind in the gym. Just no follow through. Not really caring what color was the warning light, when I crossed streets: What??? I had to put a stop to it. Or else. And, Or Else, was about to happen, if I did not put a stop to it. I had to make a decision. I decided to recover myself. I am much much much better.

    1. mai51 says:

      Princess, I can totally relate…. the constant hyper vigilance is so exhausting….. so you want to be the perfect girlfriend, but you have no energy to be one. Even the sight of him towards the end would cause me to droop.

      Love should be uplifting, not debilitating lol

      1. HG Tudor says:

        The final sentence is the application of logic.

        1. mai51 says:

          I am learning HG!

      2. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

        mai51. I was an NIPSS at work. Not even his girlfriend. So, I had all the angst without any of the glamour, especially because other people were constantly interfering and ruining it all, I anguised over at the time. They all knew him before I entered the scene. However, the interfering people inadvertently did me a huge favor, I know now. And they want me back now, but I essentially ghosted ALL of them. . I practically am starting my life over. How odd and strange it all is. Nothing that I ever want to repeat, mai.

    2. Caroline R says:

      You’re adorable!

      I could add to your list the uttering of the oft-repeated phrase “what was I saying again?”, as I lose my train of thought, and “what was I just about to do?” as short term memory was struggling to function.

      Oh, and “where are my sunglasses?”.
      (Caroline passes a mirror and spies them atop her long blonde hair….)

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