Performance Identity


I have often referred to how the advances in technology have proven a great boon for my kind. Not only does technology allow us a greater reach, to more people, more often and more easily it provides us with camouflage. The genesis of the “selfie” is testament to that. Once upon a time if you wanted to be in one of your own pictures, you asked somebody else to use your camera to take a picture of you and your friends or perhaps you against some fantastic backdrop of scenery. Now  the advent of the camera phone has allowed everybody to take a picture of themselves with friends, with a famous person, in front of a landmark, pulling a stupid pout, holding up  beer and so on. This need to be “in on the shot” is a nod to the narcissistic traits of entitlement, boundary violation and grandiosity. Of course, not everyone is of our kind and just because you have a tendency to take selfies does not make you one of our kind either. What it does though is increase the backdrop of narcissistic tendencies so that ours fit even more readily into what society is doing. Fifteen years ago if someone kept pestering other people to take a picture of themselves in different poses and places, eyebrows would be raised. Now if you see someone holding their ‘phone up and pouting, you do not bat an eyelid. It is expected. This narcissistic tendency has become mainstream and we welcome this, as it allows ours to be merge with that mainstream to, enabling us to move more easily amongst you all.

When you take that selfie you are engaging in performance identity. You are reinforcing your identity as against the performance of standing and taking a picture of yourself which you then plaster across several social media outlets, text to your friends and quite possibly set as your wall paper. Performance crime is the instance whereby a perpetrator engages in criminal activity which he or she records. How many videos have you seen on Facebook where a fight is in progress and nobody halts it, but instead they stand around cameras held aloft filming the fracas? How often have you seen people posting pictures of themselves committing some criminal act, be it the use of drugs, assaulting somebody, criminal damage or theft?  It also goes to include those acts which may not be criminal but would be regarded as morally reprehensible. Taking photographs of somebody who is drunk asleep in the middle of the road rather than helping them, snapping away at someone who has soiled themselves or vomited. Taking pictures of someone’s mishap or misfortune and adding a supposedly witty insight in white text across the bottom of the picture. These behaviours are all geared towards performance, showing off and putting on a show.

We are masters at performance identity. We are defined by what we do to an admiring and attentive audience. Our every move is choreographed, our entrance carefully planned. We walk the urban landscape with an imaginary soundtrack playing in our heads as we strut along, considering ourselves to be in some kind of film or documentary. A puzzle once went along the lines of,

“It a tree falls in a forest but there is nobody there to hear it, did it make a sound?”

The modern day equivalent for our kind is,

“If we did something but nobody saw it, did it really take place?”

We are defined by what others see us do and their reaction to it. Whether it is admiration, hatred, anger, upset, terror, grief, hilarity, amusement, praise, love or adoration there must always be an emotion infused reaction. This reaction defines who we are because it provides us with fuel. It tells us that we are brilliant, feared, furious, dominant, entertaining, witty, sensational, beautiful, remarkable and so forth. The reaction is everything for the fuel it provides but also because our performance allows us to define what we believe what we are, the outward appearance the world must see as opposed to the one locked deep away and never permitted to be viewed.

You all engage in performance identify. Often it is of little consequence but it still shapes part of what you are. The growing tendency for people to engage in performance identity means that our need, our absolute need to do this, will not always stand out as much as it might. Yes, it draws a reaction but this need for attention may not always be seen for what it is. People just regard us as outgoing, bombastic, entertaining, the life and soul of the party, at the centre of everything. There are scores of polite ways of saying attention seeker without realising that is what you are doing. We must do it however, we must perform from the moment we rise from our beds until we return to it again in order to draw fuel and to create that which we want the world to see. The world may indeed be a stage, but it is a stage for my kind and me.

109 thoughts on “Performance Identity

  1. nunya biz says:

    “What it does though is increase the backdrop of narcissistic tendencies so that ours fit even more readily into what society is doing.”
    I believe some narcissists actively participate in this process, normalizing the behavior, as an instinctive self-preservation mechanism. They are ruining the world. I wish them death.

    Also, I got a text message from an unidentified person. It turned out to be someone trying to contact my middle school aged daughter and it contained an attention seeking video. Sensational for their age, risky. Not by some standards, but by theirs yes. I thought…12 year old narcissist. And told him that this is her mother and she is not allowed to speak to him because she does not know him. I also had her threaten the friend who gave out her contact information to a stranger without asking first with a number change that she would not be privy to. There is a responsibility there.
    And I had to sit in front of her yesterday to block the view of a disgusting old man who visits the mall for obvious reasons, so I occasioned the opportunity to discuss the intricacies of staring behaviors (she did notice before I said something) whether or not the person is “good looking” or “a weirdo”.

    I’m so glad to have this blog. This is a very good article.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  2. Michelle says:

    Excellent article. I think the most difficult part of narcissism for many to understand is that THIS is really all there is to the narcissist. There is seeing and being seen, and when they are alone, they are like ghosts. If they have to be alone, they are imagining being seen. There is no real first person experience because that is a form of vulnerability. I think the influence of TV, movies, and social media causes all of us to imagine being watched (in a cinematic sort of way) more than we did in the past. We do conceive of our lives having soundtracks and lighting. Everyone does it. But narcissists never have the quiet moments of self-reflection that most of us have in between. I work in the tourism industry and it is fascinating to see how some tourists really enjoy their vacations, while others spend the entire thing documenting it to show to others and seem to not be present at all.

    It is difficult for me to conceive of someone (say, my Narc Friend) without any quiet moments of reflection, like just standing somewhere in nature and feeling the sublime beauty, for example. In his case, he got drunk or did drugs to fill in the gaps in his cinematic experience. He traveled a lot, but his mission was always to find the party, or better yet, to BE the party. I also have friends who are into some kind of religion, meditation, etc. but they focus so much on other people watching them do it that I wonder if they have any sort of deep experience with it at all.

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Michelle, I agree with you. It’s like these people that attend concerts in order to film the concert and post it on YouTube. What’s the point!??? They are not really enjoying the music and the show, it’s so pathetic.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You will see plenty of them at Old Trafford.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Ugh. It also happened in the latest DM concert I attended, at the Capital One Arena in DC. My friends and I couldn’t stop dancing, singing, screaming things like “Dave, I want you” etc, while these idiots looked like robots. I guess it’s a different way to experience music. My generation is more gregarious because we grew exchanging records, recording tapes / later on CDs, and getting together to listen to them or attending concerts, now people listen to music alone.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            I’m not called Dave, SP, ha ha.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Hahaha good try, egomaniac!

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Ultra Elite is you please.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Ultra and elite are both adjectives. Egomaniac is the name of the game…

          5. Sweetest Perfection says:

            -said with love*-

      2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Sweetest Perfection,
        Yes, what’s the point, why even go ?
        We frequent the cinema and there’s always someone on their phone …most distracting indeed
        We attended the theatre last Sunday and this lass was on her phone the whole time (two rows in front of us) ….surprisingly, Mr Bubbles had words with her at the end of the performance …..he was not a happy chappy
        It’s usually our daughter that tells them off ….she has no qualms about it
        We’ve noticed the majority of culprits are all YOUNG people
        (The cinema n theatre all instruct patrons to turn their phones off, however, people just do what they what these days)
        Narcissism is definitely thriving and we feel, getting worse
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Bubbles, I simply can’t understand the point of going to any type of entertainment that demands attention and instead spend the whole time using your cellphone. I understand capturing a moment to share with friends, as in a concert. But the whole concert???? And going to watch a movie that you won’t watch? I guess they are not fond of foreign captioned movies, haha, imagine the level of multitasking!

        2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dear Sweetest Perfection,
          I totally agree with you
          Their attitude appears to be …. go, post, get likes …. look at me !
          Are they that bored and have zero attention span ?
          Theatre tickets aren’t cheap nor is going to the movies and buying popcorn drinks lollies n ice cream
          Phones have become public enemy no 1 …. haha
          Better not happen to us at our next venue
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Great comment and observation. It does seem that more and more people (not just narcs) are unable to cope without constant stimulation. Unable to just enjoy the silence. Appreciate what is in front of them. To not be comparing or pursuing.

  3. Caroline R says:

    Very interesting!
    Thank you.
    I’m given cause to think that this is the Petri dish from which stage mothers are spawned.
    The N-Mother naturally pushes her daughter to perform well, and thereby to reflect well on her (the mother’s) self.

    In seeing the daughter as an extension of herself, every action of the daughter’s is then seen in a reflexive light, and any action that is against the mother’s wishes becomes an attack on the mother.

    This is why she takes everything so PERSONALLY.

    Thank you for your insights!

  4. empath007 says:

    The narc I dated barely posted and NEVER liked others posts. He did this because he was dating multiple women at once and did not want us to find out about one another. So the creep would just send me a private message to “comment” on something but it was never public. He also didn’t post much so we couldn’t track each other down and see who was pining over him.

    He operats with only IPSSs hasn’t had an IPPS in about 6 years now. A greater if I ever did meet one.

    What I learnt was it was me who was way too open and trusting with what I posted. And that has changed significantly. I now understand the less I share… the better.

  5. Kel says:

    If a leaf falls in the forest- or a tree? I’m not sure anyone standing there when the leaf fell would actually hear it, right? It doesn’t make a sound whether you’re there or who knows when you’re not. But tree’s, they definitely do, at least when you’re there. But I get the point.

    1. Kel says:

      I was commenting about the line in this story “If a LEAF falls in the forest when no one’s there, does it make a sound “ because it doesn’t make a sound even when we’re there. The saying is “If a Tree falls “. I was just letting you know in case you wanted to change the leaf to a tree before this otherwise perfect story posts again.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        If it is a narcissistic leaf Kel, it makes a sound when there is someone there to provide fuel!

        1. Kel says:

          Narcissist leafs?!! Oh my, but that makes sense!

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Ken, you’re right, the original question proposed by Berkeley involved a tree, but you can substitute the object. Actually, Einstein asked the same thing about the moon. The idea in metaphysics is whether sensorial experience exists outside the perception process or is intrinsically dependent on it. For a person that suffers from synesthesia, I would say sensorial experience depends on my interpretation to exist. But there is substantial philosophy that supports the opposite. I like riddles that make your head spin…

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Sorry I misspelled your name. Kel, not Ken.

        1. Kel says:

          Hi Sweetest Perfection, it’s just that a leaf doesn’t make a sound, so one should substitute something heavier that you could hear it when it falls. But no matter, it’s just that it struck me as funny when I read it.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Kel, I thought what you said was funny, and true for most people. But I CAN hear a leaf fall, its not just the weight, but also the texture. I’m not trying to sound confrontational or repellent, I’m saying this because I recently went through a very long test for my synesthesia and I disagree a little with the methodology they used when it comes to sound. They only take pitch into consideration, but not texture or depth, so they make you listen to 5 different notes played by the same instrument with very little variation in the music scale, therefore, I could only see different shades of yellow. I found it hard to do that last part of the test, whereas I scored almost perfect in the other ones related to grapheme-color relations. I found it funny though that you pointed that out, it’s like “if a feather falls in the middle of nowhere, would anyone notice?”

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I can hear them fall also in a still forest, but I changed it to drive home the point.

          3. Kel says:

            Wow SP & HG! I didn’t know anyone could hear that well!! I guess I’m not as overly sensitive as I thought with bright lights and loud noises!

          4. nunya biz says:

            I think that’s fascinating, SP. I remember telling you before I only have physical response type synesthesia I think. Like flinching when someone is describing being hit or crying when I see crying.
            I did once take an auditory test for detecting changes in a repeated musical phrase (is that the word?) I think based on anticipation. I was surprised I did very well. I have no idea about other hearing. I do know that I cannot replicate notes vocally, and I just did 23andme and that was verified! No singing in my family : (

          5. foolme1time says:

            Oh but Kel, a leaf does make a sound, if you listen closely you can hear it falling from the tree before it even hits the ground.

      2. SP: Sometimes some people had too much idle time on their hands, when you look at what they asked or what they studied.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          PSE, could you please be more specific about what you mean? I would hate to misread your comment.

          1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            SP: Once upon a time, some men had the idle time to ponder the question: If a tree fell in a forest and no one heard it, did the fall of the tree make a sound. And that question has chased mankind for a long time. And some study the most idle things in science. I would give some examples, but many times political candidates often mention where the public’s tax money goes when it hurts an opposing candidates. I am sure you have heard examples of the absurdity of how tax dollars can be spent that have outraged taxpayers. If you thought I was saying you, of course not.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            PSE, that question was formulated in the 18th century as a philosophical experiment on sensorial perception that still has not been solved. To think the study of Philosophy or other fields within the Humanities is due to idle time and it is useless is very offensive for those of us who have chosen an intellectual path over a different method of living. I personally prefer to spend my tax dollars on contributing to education and the pursuit of knowledge than to military equipment or sending innocent children to detention camps. And that’s all my political contribution for today and hopefully forever in this blog as I don’t like discussing politics, I prefer to talk Philosophy, Literature, History, Music, and the Arts.

          3. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            SP: I feel that I can not express what I mean. What I mean is that sound is a construct. For, example, and with a broad brushstroke of a definition: it has to do with mass and motion, and disciples and frequency and not people’s perception. Even if someone is clinically deaf and can not hear sound, sound exists by definition. Even if people can not hear the whistle that a canine is able to hear, that sound still exists. Even if there are only 6 people on earth, and thereby can no longer witness or testify to certain sounds, they exist. The question has been used in jest for the purpose of fun as well, in the beginning. But, it has taken on a life of its own. Just like Darwin. He refuted his theory of Evolution. But, it was too late. It had taken on a life of its own, and Darwin was told to shut up. Regarding the falling tree, now some take the question to so many arenas, such as the philosophical world. And I do not where else. So I am sorry that you feel offended. But the original question did not really dispute the sound of the falling tree as many believe. But, for the record, if a tree falls in the forest, it does make a sound, even if I am not over there to hear it. And many things have happened in history, documented or not, that I did not see, nor hear. And I welcome anyone to disprove this. For some they can no longer solve a question that was just experimental. I can. The tree makes a sound when it falls.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            PSE, or not! Hahaha we could be there all day, that’s the reason why these people come back to it constantly. There’s a difference between the subject and the process, the sound can exist on its own, but if there’s no one to hear it, the sound as “perception” does not exist. When you have synesthesia for example, the senses I perceive are not necessarily the senses you perceive. Dues that mean those senses have and external independent ontology and are always the same? Then, why do people with synesthesia receive different input? Do those stimuli exist or do we make them exist as such once our brain interprets then? It truly is a complicated issue but going back to the topic: a narcissist who by definition needs admiration and attention for daily living, if you take that away, will continue to exist? You and I know he will but probably not as a narcissist anymore therefore won’t exist in the same manner. Which makes me wonder if then there’s a vicious connection between narcs and Empaths, in the sense that they cannot be narcs without the Empath being an Empath … ok stop. I need a break.

          5. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            cont. and I wish that Philosophy or other fields within the Humanities were only sometimes invested in idle things, but in fact many of these fields have caused the death and destruction and harm of many people, and they still do. Always Resisting. Buyer Beware.

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:

            PSE, corporations shouldn’t have a say in what universities teach, they just want money and they are corrupting the education system by making it turn into a big profit business where the students are the new customers who dictate the menus they need to be served according to their tastes. And guess what, precisely because of the pressure of the corporate world many universities are scared to teach critical thinking for fear of losing customers that will take their money away. One thing is being politically correct without feeling it, which is hypocritical, and the other which I see very necessary in this country is being inclusive and embrace diversity for all, and that is a pivotal aspect that should be taught in universities and schools because if you look around, our society is not getting very far from the 1940s. The way you refer to facts sounds very absolutist and segmented, when critical thinking precisely involves trying to include many angles of vision to gain a more global knowledge. Of course some facts remain, like the fact that the earth is not flat or that the Holocaust happened. But science does not come out of absolutist thinking, not in vain one of the most groundbreaking theories in the history of science is called the theory of Relativity. Deciding what is included in the curriculum of a college is a task for the professionals in the field, not for corporate people. Education is not a shopping mall.

          7. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Cont. I do not know where you live, but in the United States where I live, many corporations are complaining that the Universities are churning out graduates that can not think critically and have lost much of the bold and brave thinking critical for innovation. Many of these students do not believe in facts and believe many things depend and such and it is all about how a person identifies with a subjects and such thoughts. They are scared, politically correct and shut down. The Corporations are battling to hire more graduates from other Countries.

          8. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Sweetest. There has been a decision that I couldn’t make, and now the decision is made. I have been wanting and not wanting to see the film, A Quiet Place. It is a horror movies that deals with sound. My decision is finally made. I want to definitely see the film: A Quiet Place. I think I did bring this movie up on one of the posts yesterday, somewhere. Decision Made, and I am glad. The film A Quiet Place has now been painted good and is on the top shelf of my movie list. And is now smiling.

          9. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I’ve seen the film. It is OK, why do you talk like that?

  6. Rachel says:

    It’s a shame though, that so many people are constantly showcasing their lives. Let me share one of my favorite quotes, by Kahlil Gibran, with you:

    “Travel and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one, live happily and tell no one, people ruin beautiful things”

    1. foolme1time says:

      I really love this quote. Thank you Rachel for sharing it.

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      You cannot tell a man “fuck a gorgeous girl and tell no one…” he would die of convulsions.

      1. Rachel says:

        SP, English is not my language, still, I never used the word “fuck” until the narc introduced me to this and other harsh words. (although he did make it sound ok with his soft voice)
        I prefer a more romantic approach. I’m convinced romance and true love stories exist.

        HG: I like the black background, but I can’t see the “notifications by email” anymore. I just see 2 white boxes.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Rachel, don’t use the word if you don’t like it. Using the word doesn’t mean you’re not romantic. I don’t have any kind of censorship towards linguistic usage especially in a joke. Thinking a woman shouldn’t use fuck but when a man does it is not that bad, especially in his beautiful manly voice etc is a sign of a strong patriarchal prejudice lingering latent in someone’s upraising. You don’t need to use strong words. I on the other hand will use whatever the fuck I feel like as long as I’m not directly insulting anyone, which I was not.

          1. Rachel says:

            I truly don’t understand where this “feminist” rant comes from.(it is anti-feminist if you ask me) I read my comment again, still don’t understand. Neither do I understand why you think I felt insulted. I was just sharing something.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Rachel, maybe it is the fact that writing lacks many other things, like intonation, that your comment to me sounded chastising. My previous comment, the one where I use the word, was not addressed to you or anyone in general, it was just a joke continuing with the quotes you posted (which I liked). When you commented focusing on my use of the word, it ended up sounding like a reprimand. Also, fuck and romantic are not mutually exclusive and I am an extremely romantic person, as has been discussed a few times here before, so that dichotomy you created could be reas as an indirect suggestion that I was not romantic and I use bad words whereas you are romantic and therefore you don’t. That’s why I said that.

  7. KellyD says:

    What then of the selfie taken against the bathroom backdrop? 😂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Lower echelon somatic narcissists.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Yeah I love the bathroom selfies that say: I’m taking it in here because I don’t want the person I live with to know, but better than that, how about the women duck-facing into the camera with a tsunami of clothes and make up products all over the furniture and floor. Nothing says I’m a keeper quite like that.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Hahaha, what about bathroom selfies showing his abs while cleaning the toilet? Just when you thought you had seen it all… oh, and the book on the toilet. Nothing says “remind me to never borrow a book from you” like that.

      2. Yolo says:

        Ugh, and the stuff splattered on the mirrors. I deleted Facebook years ago, I was dying inside holding in all my comments.

      3. Lorelei says:

        I have always wondered why it’s in the bathroom that the pictures are taken.. I wouldn’t want a toilet in my pictures.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because of the mirror and often they involve nudity which the taker wants to keep hidden from other people in the household, so a locked door is required.

          1. MB says:

            Yes Lorelei, if you’ve never accidentally gotten a selfie involving nudity and a locked bathroom door from your son, consider yourself lucky!!! Shared picture folders on iCloud are of the devil!

          2. Lorelei says:

            I would never take such photos regardless of physical condition, I’m uncomfortable with seeing women (moms/role models) dress provocatively. They look ridiculous and don’t even know it in my opinion. My girls are embarrassed if I have cleavage etc. Its why I despite Mariah Carey—her boobs are like balloons in pics with her kids! Granted—I had my young days..

          3. Lorelei says:

            Oh but I was on Facebook live naked though.. My daughter was streaming and I walked out of the bathroom and I got immediate messages to take it down. Father in law and neighbor! Haha! Totally nude! She didn’t notice..

          4. HG Tudor says:

            We all did. Bravo.

          5. MB says:

            Lorelei, great story! And I thought getting a dick pic from my son was bad!

      4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear NarcAngel,
        I concur with your comment “oh sensible one”
        I’m not swayed either over people’s jewellery, cars, houses n weddings
        Our house is freehold and we are debt free
        Mr Bubbles n I married in secret and my only gold is my wedding ring
        The more lavish the wedding the less longevity
        I will never have to move back home with my mother ! 🤣
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dear KellyD,
      Exactly! Out of all the beautiful places on this planet, I’m still trying to get my “head around the toilet bowl” trying to understand why anyone would willingly take a selfie in the bathroom/toilet
      Gym junkies, girls night out …all in the bathroom …I find it “a bit off ”
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      Great article Mr Tudor, thank you

  8. Believer says:

    I like to take selfies for my family because I put them on memes and it makes them laugh. So, it really is not for vanity reasons, although some might think the latter is the case. It doesn’t bother me what “some” think, as long as my family is happy.

    1. Believer says:

      I never make “duck lips”… I would be too embarrassed to do this, and think it’s stupid, anyway. I also never take selfies of my bathroom, and I usually never take pictures below my head.

  9. Sweetest Perfection says:

    I absolutely love this reflection, including Woody (Toy Story made me be reconciled with the otherwise horrific plot in The Nutcracker). “If we did something but nobody saw it, did it really take place?” Totally agree. Not having Facebook anymore makes me realize how few pictures I have been taking lately, mostly because I don’t have anywhere to post them on. Guy Debord predicted this model of society which he called a “monopoly of appearances,” where the important thing is what appears, rather than what is; we are a society where the simulacra replace the real. It definitely is the symptom of an increasingly stronger narcissistic culture. But like you very well say, an Empath can live without it (I’m not dead without the attention of my social media friends). I am positive my narc would collapse if he didn’t have it. He defined himself in these terms “I’m a slut for attention.” And that’s probably the only truth I ever heard from his mouth.

    1. Alexissmith2016 says:

      Oh god! This article reminds me of a business dinner I had a mid rangers house. It was hilarious!

      He was desperate to impress with everything from start to finish like I was some pauper hahah

      I felt like I was playing the generation game and could win a prize at the end, if I remembered all the items he showed me. god knows I deserved one!

      He wanted to open very door and cupboard, show me all his expensive pots and pans, his cutlery, the books he read, his Hugo Boss suits(lol like they’re pretty average – not that I would care whether they were or they weren’t), the photos of the holidays where he’d really stretched himself financially. Impress me with his cooking skills. And all this crammed into about an hour!

      The sad thing is he is in so much debt because of his addiction to buying things just to impress others.

      But the funniest bit was when he was bragging about his self cleaning oven (I believe most people have one nowadays?), I said to him, well show me your self cleaning oven then! He opened the oven door and quickly closed it, clearly very embarrassed (it was filthy) and uttered the words, ah well I need to put the self clean on!

      1. Caroline R says:

        Thank you so much for sharing that!

      2. Lorelei says:

        They are really funny Alexis. I like to think of the fun HG provokes from the mid-rangers. They are probably like toys to him. The lessers are funny but making them mad is so easy because spotting them is a no brainer.

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. Lorelei says:

            Tell us how to evoke responses from the mid-rangers for our own fun.

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. Lorelei says:

            But I’d love to hear stories from how you may play with them like little puppets to get them all steamy huffy puffy mad at you!

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Do you mean in my private life or those that appear on my blog/email?

          5. Lorelei says:

            Private life. You don’t trigger people on here but stories of triggering real life assholes would be funny.

          6. E&L says:

            Hey all,
            I asked HG in my GOSO consult why “he can interact with his narc mom, but he vehemently advocates NC for me (us)?” He responded “because I can handle it and you can not”, paraphrased, of course. But, I get it. His response was empowering and honest. The interpretation of his advice is “know your skill set and use it wisely”. HG is the LEBRON of narcissism expertise. I can be the FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE for a loved one or for rescued animals. Assuming that HG is wealthy, very successful, handsome, well-fueled, well-connected, in essence thriving…oh…and runs a massively popular and live-saving blog, I would contend he uses his psychopathic/narcissistic skills very effectively. Ted Bundy, not so much as he is dead, although I suspect he was not a greater. The luxury of the greater N is vast intelligence and critical thinking, I would assume. Being able to mitigate basic, primal urges is a luxury. Always and forever grateful to you HG!

          7. Lorelei says:

            I am better than Florence ever was! I’m the real Flo.

        2. alexissmith2016 says:

          Loreli, there is an article somewhere, @K may know where to find it. Where HG tells a true life story about a female N in his workplace. Its a great article

          1. Lorelei says:

            Really? I would love to see this. I’ll have to get with K!

      3. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

        Alexis: This happened to me once. I was over a couple`s home for a party, and the hostess asked me to come with her for a moment. They had a teenage daughter that was mentally and physically challenged in some way. Anyway, she took me to her bedroom and she brought out this box and opened it, and showed me her jewelry. I never saw anything like it. The jewelry was stupendous. Staggering. Huge gems like you do not see much even in the jewelry windows in the diamond district. She had saved it all before her daughter was born, and was lamenting to me that her daughter would never need this now. There was so much of it, heirloom jewelry from probaby Europe and other places. She allowed me to handle it, all of it and look it over. And I actually thought she was going to offer me piece. I really did. But, at end, she softly closed the top of the box and took the jewelry back to its hiding place. I never bought any substantial jewelry for the rest of my life thus far, after seeing that stash. Pearl earrings, sometimes a special bracelet from my parents, and that is about all for me in the jewelry department to this very day, after that experience. I desire to ask HG what watch brand I could buy as a female that is not too expensive, but respectable in his opinion, but no post has ever appeared where I can ask the question. Perhaps a post may come up about Time or something, or even about watches. I do wish for and feel the need for a watch, but I do not want one that is not very respectable. Anyway, I realized that much of what is called jewelry is child’s play after seeing what that woman had in that box. She did not make me feel like a pauper, rather I realized what a ripoff are the majority of jewelry stores. Taking advantage of the sentiments of many people. These stores must have the most incredible profit margins.

        1. Geminimom says:

          Buying a watch of any value you can afford or save up to purchase should not cause you any worries or guilt. The watch will be used daily and not wasted tucked away in a closet. Buy and enjoy a watch!

          1. Geminimom. I find certain items feel like extensions of ourselves. For example, many people feel that their car is an extension of themselves, so they may not be particular about all the items in their life, but they may be about their car. And even ask for car advice, but not ask for advice about other things. I feel that a watch is more expressive for me. That is why I feel that way about it. We all have our own personality. What is an issue for one person is not an issue for another person. A watch is an issue for me. And that is why I asked HG what he thought was an acceptable watch brand for a woman that did not cost a zillion dollars, because I read a lot of his work, and he is out and about and he travels, and I trust his taste that moves through the background of many of his works. I would not ask that question about everything. I would not ask just anybody. And, I know the names of many brands of watches. But, I feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not feel overwhelmed about everything. I feel a car is also expressive. But, not all things. Some people feel the same way about sunglasses, etc. They are very expressive to them. I need his help for a watch brand name. I would trust his advice. And, at times we want advice from a man, in particular. I asked HG today to recommend 2 of his books for me. I am pleased with the recommendations. I feel he is aware of the strengths and weakness of many of his readers and he advises us accordingly.

          2. Geminimom says:

            Oh, I think I miss understood. Should be interesting to know what brand HG recommends.

          3. Lorelei says:

            Hilariously I was (have been) thinking of a Porsche Cayenne for awhile but I just can’t with private school tuition.. Anyway, my navigation took me incorrectly to a dealer today! It’s like a conspiracy. I need one though.

          4. NarcAngel says:

            I don’t understand. If you feel a watch is expressive, wouldn’t getting recommendations from another be expressive of their taste and opinion and not your own?

          5. Lorelei says:

            I don’t use a watch because of my phone but I like a simple Fossil. I don’t buy expensive jewelry as I had a lot stolen during a paint job eight years ago. I buy Target earrings proudly. I do want a Porsche SUV though and will get one next year??

          6. NarcAngel says:

            I have never looked at another person’s jewellery or vehicle (or whatever they have) and wondered how much it cost or thought them to have better taste or that they are better than me. Those days of possessions being an indicator of wealth are long over. With the introduction of credit cards and interest free financing/leasing of vehicles, any asshole can go into debt buying stuff they can’t afford to impress others. Rather than be impressed, that’s what I usually wonder – how much debt are they drowning in while trying to keep that face on. It amuses me. It’s like every bride who thinks her wedding is the one to beat all. No one cares you idiot. Use that money to buy real estate instead. Then you won’t have to stay trapped or go live with your mother if it doesn’t work out.

          7. Lorelei says:

            I agree NA. I do like cars though, although it’s been six years since I bought myself a new one.
            My husband I’m trying to divorce was a financial shit show (gambling in stocks). It has affected my ability to save money but thankfully I have something elsewhere so the long term impact is mitigated. I am not religious but I’m close to praying it’s final next week.

        2. alexissmith2016 says:

          Oh he didn’t make me feel like a pauper. What I meant was more that was how he considered me, “look at me and how great I am with all these pots and pans which I’m never going to use and got myself into debt for purchasing. Noone ever comes to my house for dinner which is why I am having to show every item I own in a the shortest amount of time possible. I have a very limited fuel network so I don’t get to show off my material goods very often because I bore the fucking shit out of people with my tales of things I’ve purchased”

          If you want a watch – treat yourself. We all have our own little indulgences. What I found hilarious about the situation was more that he indulges in absolutely everything, thinks what he owns is far better than it is and feels the need to show it all off because he is unable to appreciate something because of what it means to him, either because he has bought a quality item, or it serves a function, or just because of how it looks/ feels. its all about the reaction he gets from others. nothing more and nothing less. I recall in one of HG’s comments how he stated that when he is alone and listening to music that he get thought fuel for imagining how impressed others are from his musical taste etc. But HG is impressive whatever he does.

          I imagine this particular N dancing round and cooking and reading and having to use alot of thought fuel up on imagined scenarios because he has a very small fuel network.

          With all the oohs and ahs of my feigned impressedness (I know thats not a real word) you could have mistaken it for fireworks night

        3. Desirée says:

          PSE, perhaps I can offer a few brands that you might like. I personally no longer wear watches, the ones I have rest in peace in the jewelry boxes. One reason is because the last I wore was an Apple Watch my narc gifted me (technically it’s not really a watch but oh well) and it felt like an electronic shackle, so taking it off was a freeing experience. Also, I like to wear flowy layers of very dainty gold jewelry and stack tiny rings on top of each other. A watch would be a harsh contrast and take away from the particular aesthetic I am going for. So I haven’t worn one in two years and rely on my intrinsic german instincts to get me places on time. Perhaps my phone as well. But I have seen many different brands on different women and apart from the obvious choices, here are a few brands that might suit you. I don’t know what your budget is, but a very elegant and quite afforable choice that I see being worn often is Skagen. It is a danish brand and has a very classy, minimalistic feel to it. The brands Paul Hewitt and Daniel Wellington are also elegant and versatile and provide good quality at a low price point. Considerably more costly but well worth the investment are the swiss brands Longines and Tissot. Kate Winslet has been an ambassador to the brand Longines for almost a decade now. If it is important for you to wear a brand that is respectable, I think this would be a solid choice. I personally might prefer Tissot, however. It comes at a comparatively lower price point and the ones I have seen people wear are of excellent craftsmanship and design. I hope this was useful to you, Princess.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Intrinsic German instincts to get me places on time. Teutonic Time! It amused me.

          2. MB says:

            Aren’t you tired HG? You’ve been working here so much today! A new article and everything. Surely you’re putting the finishing touches on the Tudorscope articles too. And that’s not even taking into account ANYTHING else. I’m beginning to think you’re the Energizer bunny!

          3. HG Tudor says:

            No, MB, I am not.

          4. Desirée says:

            haha Teutonic TIme, I like that one!

          5. Desiree: The fact that I am puzzling over watches, that you all are highlighting to me, is amazingly useful, because it shows to me that I am doing so much better to be at this point. Thank you.

          6. Mercy says:

            Desiree, I’m so impressed with your knowledge of watches. You could write a column

          7. KellyD says:

            Desirée, I very much enjoyed your description of the watches. You made them sound delicious! If I wore one (which I don’t, as I rely on my intuitive Italian/Irish inner clock to wake me up and get me there on time) I’d certainly feel confident in choosing from the ones you offered in your spleen-vent. Thank you for sharing your knowledge!

          8. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear PrincessSuperEmpath and Desiree,
            I have been a fan of Skagen watches from the beginning
            I like its simplistic elegant style, large easy to read face, durability, easy to put on and it compliments my skin, my age, my attire and wedding ring

            Mum gave me her marcisite watch’s excqisite, trouble is I need a magnifying glass to read it 🕵🏻‍♀️

            Desiree, your suggestions were brilliant, being the discerning tasteful fashion coordinator you are

            I feel a watch does make a personal statement of our personality and I feel naked without one as I do with perfume

            Just “watch” out for that “Narc” brand, lots of imitations floating around, the batteries run out very quickly, those wind up ones are worse, they lose track of time, extremely unreliable, cant read the faces very well, hands all over the place, they’re very complicated and always leave a mark, indentation, rash or even an allergic reaction
            They’re so bad you may as well chuck em in the bin, in fact just don’t buy them, not worth the “time” n effort
            I think people are a wake up to that brand now
            Anyway, lovely one, good luck, I’m sure you’ll find the perfect one for you
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        4. Desirée says:

          PSE, I also just realized I never thought about what type of watch HG might wear, I am personally not very interested in watches although the ones I do have are quite nice. Given his current profile picture, I put my money on Breitling. Although that’s probably not it and he has several to choose from, anyways.

          1. Rachel says:

            I’m guessing a Tudor watch.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Correct and you should always have some Tudor Time.

      4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Alexissmith2016,
        Ahahahha…. thank you gorgeous, great story, what a lamebrain
        Coincidentally, the weasel did the same to me
        When I first visited him, he showed me all the contents of his kitchen cupboards including his spices n various teas n compartment holders for them, all his white crockery
        He went thru each n every photo on display
        He also showed me his fridge n in particular, the freezer contents ….so proud of them
        His bathroom and his toiletries
        I had to look at all his books, all his folders, everything he’d made, things people had given him, but lastly and most importantly all his military collection
        Anything I had, he raced out and bought it….. it had to be bigger n better
        The pitter patter of his little feet couldn’t go any faster …haha
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          hahahahahahah oh dear I love that Bubbles! hilarious and yes, they have to purchase anyrhing you own and a more superior version. Its so funny.

          When I knew such people years ago, I used to think ‘what the actual fuck’ why are they so desperate to out do me?’ I never tried to compete with them and didn’t give two shits that they had something bigger and better. I just found it hilarious that they were so jealous that they felt the need to do this. I had no idea what they were and now it all makes perfect sense!

          I wonder what yours had in his fridge and freezer?

          this one would always ask what I was making for dinner when I saw him, and then laugh at me because I was using veg which was not ‘in season’ and had been imported or not the finest this or that. Then brag about what he was making. But he cooked me up some economy chicken breasts and frozen veg looool

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear alexssmith2016,
            The weasel bragged about all the “specials” he’d frozen…. he was a budget conscious cheap skate mid ranger
            It’s funny ..he actually thought buying cheap mini bottles of bubbles would impress me (glass n a half)
            When Mr Bubbles n I went to visit him … he’d puff his chest out and give me a “whole bottle” all for myself, thought he was King Dick
            Mr Bubbles just got a beer ….. “here ya go”
            I’m huuuuuuge on Christmas and he’d tried to compete with me
            He’d race out to kmart and then sent me pics … look, look, what I’ve got, same as you !
            He had an affirmation board with my name on it …. “look Bubbles, your nanes here”
            Gee wiz golly gosh, how exciting

            We compared food (mine was healthy) he bragged how all his dishes had rich creamy sauces …. I suggested he cut down the butter n cream….he ended up having a heart attack
            I didn’t !
            In the end, they inevitably shoot themselves in the foot
            Aw….. so sad too bad
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. alexissmith2016 says:

            aaahhhhh the puffing out of the chest! OMG! that is such a red flag lol

            ‘King Dick’ – I love it!

    2. Lorelei says:

      Toy Story 4 is out!

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Are there any vindictive teddy bears in this one? I cried my eyes out with the background story of that one in the last movie.

        1. Lorelei says:

          I have not seen it. I’m still traumatized from the subpar presentation of Shrek in theatre over the weekend. Being a theatre snob leaves me a bit overly discerning so the sting of a bad performance carries over into all entertainment opportunities! (Especially within the same genre)
          It was so bad I was overjoyed for the conclusion and even the kids said it was boring. Funny thing is that this group put on an excellent Brighton Beach Memoirs a few months ago, but it’s hard to screw up a Paul Simon.. I’m rambling but you know how traumatized I am. Nothing can beat Matilda from last week though. It was genius.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            What do you expect with that title? Shrek: the Musical doesn’t sound like a box office hit.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Made me laugh.

          3. Lorelei says:

            Haha—but it could actually be well done. It is a huge hit.

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