Poll : How did other people react to you explaining about your experience with a narcissist?

KTN Poll - H.G Wants To Know Post Graphic



Today’s poll concerns what was the response of third parties to you explaining about your entanglement with a narcissist? It is highly likely that you have told somebody about what has happened to you once you learned that you were involved with a narcissist. It might have been a family member, best friend, colleague, neighbour, therapist or doctor. When you sat down with this person and explained that your partner, sister or mother was a narcissist and what this meant, what was the reaction of the listener?

Did he or she try to make excuses for that person’s behaviour, suggesting it was down to something else or did they dilute what it really was? Perhaps they rejected it out of hand and even went so far as to suggest you caused the problem and the other person was not a narcissist? Did they challenge you suggesting you did not know because “you’re not a doctor” or did they drink it all in and become supportive. Perhaps they joined you in going down the rabbit hole and began to read up on the matter also?

You may choose more than one answer before submitting your vote(s).

The response of a third party to being told you have entangled with a narcissist is an interesting one since it combines existing knowledge or ignorance, personal bias based on perceptions of the speaker and/or the narcissist, willingness to become embroiled in a ‘dispute’ and pre-conceived ideas.

Please expand on your experience in the comment section – how did the response make you feel? Who did you speak to? Did you try to change their response at all?

Thank you for contributing.


How did other people react to you explaining about your experience with a narcissist?

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176 thoughts on “Poll : How did other people react to you explaining about your experience with a narcissist?

  1. Viol. says:

    When I told my friend about Wanna-be Playuh-Narc, she was coming out of a nasty divorce from a decades-long marriage involving two kids in their teens. I don’t know if she would have been receptive to the idea of narcissism before her marriage became unsalvageable, although we had what was probably a lower mid-range boss years ago, but she understood the main idea after the divorce. She’s tech-allergic, but I have been telling her about narcsite, urged her to get online at the library where a librarian can assist her, and I’ll be hitting the knowledge vault for upcoming Christmas/birthday presents. Her biggest barrier is recognizing is that when she mourns how her ex “was so nice in the beginning,” the truth is he actually SEEMED so nice. None of it was real.

    I do know that years ago, when I distanced myself during college from my Jr. High frenemy, my mother kept trying to get me to be friends with her again. She came from a “nice” family, and I guess my mother was hoping I would meet a “nice” guy through her, instead of the scruffy musician/poet types I took up with. Never occurred to my mother that this gem would sabotage any relationship that didn’t involve landing me with some booby prize she considered unworthy of her precious self.

  2. Whitney says:

    I went to a social event where the Narc was and I got so upset because he was talking to a young girl. I was triggered because when I was pregnant he said “all I wanna do is fuck 18yos”.

    I had to run off and I was so upset I told the uber driver everything as soon as I got in the car. The driver was so supportive and he invited me to his mosque (he was Muslim) and he told me about his normal relationship and explained what a relationship should be like. He told me I can have a normal relationship. He really eased my distress.

    But I was still distressed at home. I messaged two empath friends and they both counseled me and eased my distress.

  3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Good question …. “how did they react” ?
    When I mentioned the Weasel being a “narcissist” … “oh yeah, that old vet, they’re all stuffed in the head anyway, he seemed a bit in love with himself, didn’t really like him anyway”
    When I mentioned my mother ….
    “How could your mother do that to you”….. “how is she, how’s she going” ?
    When I mentioned my step dad ….
    “That wasn’t nice, sounds like a bit of jealousy, oh well, at least he’s not here anymore”
    As far as explaining any further about narcissism …..it goes right over their heads (there’s also something unsettling and unnerving about others knowing you understand more about human behaviour than they do)
    They know it ” UPSET” me….. yet, they all failed to understand the concept of narcissism, the degrees of narcissism, the associated disorders and repercussions
    They have no concept of the “emotional, mental or physical abuse ” resulting in PTSD
    The word “narcissist” in my circles … is still related to one loving oneself excessively, hence harmless hence minimum reaction
    Now the words …sexual predator, child molestor, abuser, bully, paedophile seem to make more of an impact and people take notice of those words

    Apart from Mr Bubbles, this is my only “release valve” “connection” and “help n support venue” with those who have sadly suffered from narcissistic abuse
    This has been my one and only place for healing (I was hesitant at first, but glad I did … I have every to gain and nothing to lose… everyone should know about what these people do and see the signs …. I don’t wish this kind of abuse on anyone
    All the credit goes to you Mr Tudor, your educational books and your amazing blog and all the lovelies here
    To you I owe my forever gratitude and heartfelt thanks as I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for HG TUDOR
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Bubbles, great comment 🙂

      “there’s also something unsettling and unnerving about others knowing you understand more about human behaviour than they do”- it freaks them out. I ‘unnerved’ people before I knew anything (in real terms) about narcissism.

      1. Bubbles says:

        Dearest Asp Emp,
        Many thanks lovely one 💕
        Whoa, that comment’s going back awhile heheh
        Thank you for acknowledging it AE 🤗
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Ah, Bubbles, lovely of you to respond, thank you :-). Hugs back to you 🙂 xx

  4. Anm says:

    I would say 75% do not understand, and even feel that I must deserve it. 25% have been a Godsend! Including you HG.

    When I was pregnant, or even just had my daughter, I was dealing with the emotional aspect and confusion of leaving a narc. I relied on my family’s support during this time.

    Right now, I am dealing with legal matters and the narcissist, and him draining my funds, my family now doesn’t understand my battle, and they definitely dont understand protracted court cases. It’s ok that they can no longer support me, it’s not their burden. I now have support from professionals and friends who support me logically. I’m allowed to vent, but I am obligated to be accountable. Example, I have a friend who taught me law, and taught me what motions to file in court, and how to serve subpoenas, but in exchange, we started a small IT business on the side together. I’m allowed to vent or be emotional, but then I am expected to stick to being strong.

  5. WiserNow says:

    The reactions have all depended on who I have told. I could literally tick all of the boxes in the list. I haven’t told many people, just those who I thought would be understanding and open to thinking rationally about it.

    When I first became aware of narcissism, I felt like I had discovered this great new area of knowledge and that if only others would become aware too, it could be helpful for them. I was more willing to talk openly about it at that stage. Then I quickly learned that it’s not an easy subject to speak openly about and that many people either don’t take the dynamic that seriously or dismiss it as a fairly minor concern (i.e. only serial killers are pyschopaths and so and so is a ‘nice’ person, he/she isn’t like that).

    I told my codependent father and he was in complete denial and refused to acknowledge the reality, although, I’m really not sure if he privately knows the truth but thinks the reality would be too disruptive and difficult to confirm and talk openly about. I don’t talk about it anymore with my close family.

    There are some who have been through the same thing and they are the most supportive and understanding. If it wasn’t for this blog and for the few others ‘in real life’ who truly get it, most people either don’t know, pretend not to know, or are content to live while wearing rose-coloured glasses.

  6. santaann1964 says:

    They don’t really get it. You just have to experience the nightmare on your own!

  7. Jaya says:

    My friend and I discussed similarities in our relationships, our partners behaviours were eerily similar. Together we discovered HG and narcissism. Learning together and supporting each other has allowed both of us to disengage from “our” narcs and move on with our lives.
    I simply explained that I had been involved with a narcissist (12 years!) and finally learned what he was. People who knew my partner were mostly just glad I got rid of him, regardless of the reason. To know him is to despise him

    1. Jaya says:

      * To other people I simply explained I was involved with a narcissist..

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Well done, you have seized the power.

  8. WokeAF says:

    Ok good discussion.
    In my experience, even tho narcissism is a buzz word right now- even ppl who have correctly identified a narcissist actually have no real knowledge or education on narcissism beyond some of the red flags.
    They tend to want to explain the behaviours away as being due to childhood trauma (could be) or inner fears (yes) , he’s “complicated” or even “yes he’s very narcissistic but I have doubts if he’s s narcissist/ what you are saying about narcissism is correct” etc
    BUT even tho they recognize narcissism exists, and they see it as a defence mechanism- they a) don’t realize that it’s so ingrained it’s not changeable and b) don’t see that it’s also an AGGRESSIVE manipulation mechanism.
    I think in George Simons book “In Sheep’s Clothing“ he refers to an analogy of a cat sitting quietly on the porch and a dog comes running at it, scares the shit out of it, and it reacts in a ball of fur claws and teeth and fury. That’s a defence mechanism . The same cat however when it’s trying to catch a mouse, lays low, quietly watching- waiting to pounce. That’s being a predator. In my experience people cannot seem to connect the fact that the narcissist has a defence mechanism that makes him a predator.
    People can not comprehend how obvious it is. They recognize that the narcissist behaves as if under a totally different operating system from them – but then expect them to be able to just choose to operate under the same system as the rest of us.
    Shit- after 2 years of study and being to identify that I’ve never actually been in a non-narcissistic relationship other than my kids dad — it is only this week that the last of the cognitive dissonance faded and I realized that I spent the last 23 years trying to coparent with a narcissist. That he’s NOT *just*narcissistic-y” – because he’s AGRESSIVELY manipulative, for one thing. (By the way HG, it was the “Empathy Cake” article that woke me up and cleared the last of the fog.
    I always said that trying to coparent with him, every single conversation, feels like a war that I don’t even want to fight – but is just forced upon me. Even peaceful conversations feel like a war. He is aggressively trying to control me even in peaceful conversations.
    So in general the reactions I get when I’m talking about narcissists / sociopaths, are generally agreeable but mostly like “I understand a little of what you’re saying , but I don’t really want to hear it because my worldview is so rigid, that my cognitive dissonance will not let me REALLY hear what you are saying.” To sum it up.

  9. kwoo says:

    My reactions were all positive, bearing in mind I only told my very closest at first. Not a single one of them disagreed and all wanted to understand more. As often happens, they all knew I was too good for him before I cottoned on. I have had the odd comment from people in my outer circle that ‘he seemed so nice too’ when I’ve not used the N word, but very simply told them he’s an abusive, cheating you know what. I think I have chosen my own inner circle very wisely, they all know how to spot a hoover and a few have rooted narcs out of their own lives since I came clean about my experience.

    I set up a secret facebook group with my very closest family and friends very soon after the break up, I was really careful who I allowed in. It has been fantastic therapy, a place where I could rant, rave and post memes in private. Also it gave me a platform to educate them whilst I was learning myself. I would recommend anyone to do it, it’s been an amazing support and I have a small army of 20 who are better educated about Narcs than your average person. I made a post about how many of our 20 had opened up to me about narcissism in their own lives and it really was startling statistics, and interesting because, of course, a lot of us are related.

    I’ve gone on a bit but in view of my positive replies to your survey HG, I feel very lucky to not be able to answer in the negative, I’m not sure how I’d have fared if my tribe didn’t believe me! Your writing has helped me understand clearly what I’ve been dealing with for 8 years. No contact for 14 months, decree absolute within a week and moving from the scene of the crime in 2 weeks. Thank you for sharpening my understanding HG x

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

  10. Joanne says:

    Reading through all the comments here, nodding agreement as I’m just blown away by how much I can relate to most of them. It is so surreal to me to feel finally so understood – not only in what I experienced in my affair but in the aftermath in trying to find support!

  11. Believer says:

    Diluted it, thought I was being “overly-dramatic”… didn’t “get it”. Now, I NEVER tell anyone about it except through poetry, or on this blog, I guess.

  12. Joanne says:

    I was only really able to share it with one person initially. Here’s how she responded:

    Listened politely – she HAD to. She is my best friend.

    Diluted & euphemized the behavior – everything I questioned about his behavior she shrugged off and minimized. And what do I expect from him? Should he be worshipping me? He has TOLD me so many times how much he likes me. Does he need to keep doing it every day in order for me to keep believing it?

    Challenged the basis of my understanding – I am not a psychologist, I have no business diagnosing anyone. If you google something long enough, you’ll find some “evidence” to back up your theories. And who is this HG Tudor character? I PAID him MONEY to analyze my situation?!

    Disagreed and thought something else caused the behavior – She reminded me that I am married, he is probably just jealous and acting out.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Character? Character?! Give me her name. Straight on the shit list.

      1. Joanne says:


        To the dungeon!

        The really sick part of it is that she is now engaged in her own affair with (drum roll please) A NARCISSIST, whom I would classify in the lesser somatic category 🙄🙄 Of course she refuses to see this, though.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Can you imagine she ends up here? A conversion!

          1. Joanne says:

            I have sent her so many articles and have even highlighted points that align exactly with her situation and the response is always, “well, why would he say/do/be this if he didn’t mean it,” etc etc, you know the drill 🙄 Way too willing to accept things at face value and refuses to even believe the evil AS IT IS ACTIVELY HAPPENING TO HER 🤬

          2. Desirée says:

            I personally don’t agree with those who pity the SM. In my mind, the fact she is a SE makes it likely she would have been ensnared by one of your kind anyway. I think I remember you stating that she has been before, although I don’t know if it was a family member or a romantic partner. So I’d rather she is with you, because you now make an effort to act in a pro-social manner and have the capacity and self-awareness to do so.

            But I also think people are alluding to something else here. The second you start dating a narcissist, you have already lost, you just don’t know it yet. Everything the empath gives to the narcissist, says to the narcissist and does for the narcissist is sincere, whereas they sneak up on you with a halter and rope, like they’re trying to tame a horse. Everything your kind gives, says and does serves no purpose other than to bring us under your control and take from us. It’s a scam, that the empath does not know this yet doesn’t change that. And unlike with other relationships, you won’t even leave with fond memories once the formal relationship ends.

            Did I have a great time during the GP? It was fun while it lasted. After I’d seen his true self? The pictures are deleted. The gifts are given away. Thinking about the things he said and the places we went just bores me now. These events are glowing and lovely while ET is high. In hindsight, it’s nothing but a cheap imitation of the real thing. A waste of time.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            If memory serves, SM’s mother is a Mid. I remember thinking: Haha, well that’s off to a good start then. I can only imagine what the MiL is in for if she tries to act up with HG.

        2. empath007 says:

          Ha! And they say there’s no such thing as karma….

          1. empath007 says:

            She’s in the golden period whilst also experiencing the excitement of an affair. His hold is too powerful.

            You’ve tried to be a good friend and warn her. For your own sake… let her learn her own lesson. When it all goes belly up (which is inevitable) she will come to this sight with fresh eyes.

            Just gotta wait for her world to explode first. That’s usually how people are. They believe what they want to believe and don’t want preventative treatment.

          2. Joanne says:

            It’s the bronze period, at best. But yes, it is excitement she’s not had in her life for many, many years. She has been lonely in a bad marriage (of convenience) for almost 20 years.

            It’s so maddening to watch this all unfold while she keeps her head in the sand 🙁

          3. empath007 says:

            I don’t blame you. Sitting back and just watching is difficult. It’s interesting how as women we crave all that “romance” and it seems like the only ones who can provide it… are those who fake it. This was my issue too I got swept away in the love bombing and it felt great…. until it didn’t. Makes me realize the only person who can truly make me happy… is me.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Empath007, you have said two enlightening truths in your comment: 1) the only ones who can provide that romance we crave are those who fake it, because it is a fake construct we have been fed in since we were kids. It is not realistic. 2) The answer to your question is yes: you are the only person who can (and should) make yourself happy. When we make our happiness depend on external reasons or people we are building our happiness on unstable foundations. This is all very wise and shit and then I’m the first one to not follow my own believes, but ideally, it should be like that.

          5. empath007 says:

            I know. I have a hard time trying to live up to my words as well.
            I blame it on Hollywood… really who else would there be to blame? 😉haha.

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I blame it on Charlotte and Emily Brontë, but yes Hollywood too.

          7. Sweetest Perfection says:


          8. Joanne says:

            The love bombing is an irresistible drug. A high like none other (not that I’ve ever even been “high” on a substance). But the saddest part in her case is that there is no romance. All there is, is attention. She is not used to getting male attention of any kind, even from her husband, so this guy is filling in a need while putting forth zero effort. I’ve watched her run when he calls, spend money on him, give him sex… with nothing in return except… *acknowledgement.* It is very hard to watch.

          9. empath007 says:

            Sorry to hear that Joanne, I know how she feels and I’ve learnt that the most important attention I could ever get… is the attention I give myself. I hope she works on her self esteem and realizes these men who are treating her poorly (cause it sounds like her husband is in that category too) are only but 2 of the men in this wide world… and she doesn’t need their attention.

            I’m also sorry you have to sit back and watch it. In your position I would have a difficult time doing that as well. It sounds like you are a very supportive friend with her best interest at heart. And she’s going to feel so grateful for that once the fog clears.

          10. Joanne says:

            Thank you e007 😘🤗

          11. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Joanne, my friend from London (whom I mentioned on several occasions here) didn’t like my narc, but she used to say: “hey, if you like it, I LOVE it.” You can just wait and be there for her when she needs you, in my case, she fed me tons of chocolate.

          12. Joanne says:

            Chocolate soothes everything! I had to do the same. “If you’re ok, I’m ok.” But I wasn’t ok lol. And I have a really hard time holding my tongue because of how offensive I find his behavior 🙁 I will still be there for her, and without having to say “I told you so” every time he pulls another stunt.

          13. WokeAF says:

            I have the most success if I simply and objectively invite them to look from a logical standpoint. “Would YOU or anyone else you know….” -cheat repeatedly, or rage in your face, or not let you have friends, whatever. Then if they reply “no, but, he’s foes it cuz….” whatever excuse, I say “would YOU react that way even if …” you were abandoned by your father, etc etc.
            Sometimes a tiny crack opens and they start to use logic. That’s about the most I can do until they’ve identified that the narc is full of shit.

    2. FYC says:

      Joanne, Your comment:

      “…she HAD to. She is my best friend.” If she did not *care* to, it is time to find a new best friend! Besides she is now on HG’s shit list, lol.

  13. candacemarie1212 says:

    First person I told was my daughter’s dad as we are still somewhat close. He listened but not really any effect other than he was sorry it didn’t work out. He said ” He had some good qualities ” I had to explain to him that those good qualities were all an act. He had met my ex narc on several occasions but didn’t really know him.
    I also emailed my dad and told him. I wasn’t aware at the time that my dad is a narc as well. His response was very short, no sympathy, just told me he was on my side.
    My dad never met my ex narc. My dad always interfered in all my relationships and when I got together with my ex narc I made sure they would never meet. I was so happy with my ex narc at the beginning and wasn’t going to have my dad ruin it.
    Last person was one of my good friends. She had met him a few times at get togethers but didn’t know him well. She was very understanding as usual. Texted me everyday to see how I was doing. She researched narcissists and now believes her ex boyfriend was one as well.

  14. an_eternal_student says:

    I seem to be healthier choosing friends than lovers. Friends I shared my experiences with (and used HG’s blog for multiple references) seemed to recognize that they too are emotionally invested with people who cannot or will not or are severely limited to invest emotionally in return
    We chat about why this is. What is it about us that promotes the attraction of narcissists and emotionally unavailable people of all scores. We are the common denominator…so what is it that we need to change in order to be a shining light to those who can return the emotional investment?
    I found (and I hope this is useful) so long as I am recreating unhealthy situations hoping to extract solutions so I might have a reprieve from my inner turmoil, I am using others as a means to an end. I dk how yet but I need to find ways to mend my own pain. Accepting responsibility even though I feel resentful that I must be responsible for something that I should never have to have been responsible for.

    I can’t be honest if I’m searching to use someone else to fix a problem only im aware of. And the person (people) I find will be in the same boat searching for the same things.
    We can’t help each other in this mind frame.

    I’ve just recognized my writing often goes beyond the scope of the poll. I’m using the comment section here to indeed “vent my spleen”. I dk if it’s helpful. I just think we dk who we might help by sharing our insights.

    I’m so lucky to have friends that hear me. My doctor hears me, i attend counselling…my parents though, not so much.

    Criticism, blame & emotional unavailability are the pieces that seem to charm me in the beginning (I can make changes and be everything the other person needs = show of desperation) & eventually these same qualities become the means to drive me straight to the psych ward.

    I’m part of the problem BUT I am NOT THE problem. It’s challenging to accept my part and ONLY my part while giving back the pieces to the narcissist that belong to them. They are NOT perfect. They are NOT blameless (though they are impeccable in making it seem just that way ).

    I dk what to look for that is different. I am not up for anymore experiences that show me what I DON’T want.

    HG: Narcissism & being emotionally unavailable are different yes?

    HG: Is being emotionally unavailable a core component to narcissism?

    HG: What is it about emotional unavailability that is so damn attractive?

    For now I need to look inside me and do my very best to meet the needs I have always had but that I have never been taught how to meet.

    That is the best I can do for now.

    Warmest energy on your journey.

  15. Bibi says:

    I just wanted to mention that I have somewhat come to learn that a cousin of mine is a narcissist. I do recall moments of bitchiness when we were kids, but then again, I was a little asshole too.

    She married this financially well-off guy who is very kind and laid back. He comes from money but also has a good job. They lived in a wealthy area and she did not have to work for 10 yrs. They have one kid.

    I have heard though that she treats him terribly. She berates him in public, nit picks, criticizes, humiliates him in front of others. Won’t even let the man be a father to his kid. ‘Don’t put those shoes on her! Don’t feed her that!’

    Whatever she wants, she gets. She is my cousin and I feel sorry for him, as does the rest of our family. She has also isolated the kid from his side of the family. The kid didn’t even know she had another set of grandparents.

    My cousin won’t speak to his sister because they disagreed once. She also will give her own sister the silent treatment, punish her dad, etc. People say she is nice until you disagree with her or tell her no.

    Yet because she lives in another state and our interaction is mainly thru FB, she is very nice to me. She has even supported me by purchasing some work I have released, where as many other family members don’t give a shit. She is my age so she is the cousin I’ve been ‘closest’ to.

    The family doesn’t know what to call this. They use the phrase, ‘She just has to always be right.’ I informed my mom that she sounds like a narcissist but she admits there are faults but wants to see the good.

    Also to note, with regards to HG’s article about altering manipulations–in high school this cousin dated a guy who beat her up. She ended up in the hospital with broken this and that. Given what I know about her, she is a real ball buster, so that was a situation of 2 narcs colliding.

    A Lesser beat her up because she would not allow him to control her. It has to be her way, while it has to be his way. You’d think she’d gain some empathy from that. And her poor husband, he works so her ass can stay home. The least she could do is be nice to him.

    He is the one who filed for divorce. The telling thing is that she refuses to say who filed, but we all know it was he.

  16. Jess M says:

    I got “He was not abusive! And dont tell me he was cause I was physically there for alot of it. You need alot of help! I suggest not ignoring that anymore and looking at the patterns in your relationships. You should try another role other than victim. Sort your shit out.” And yes I remember that word for word cause it still replays in my mind.

    I lost 2 friends to that smear campaign. All other friends have been supportive but don’t really understand the extent of the abuse or how calculated the manipulation was.

  17. Eva says:

    After telling a nurse that I suffered a nervous breakdown from Neighbours from Hell he said he doesn’t think there are many evil people around nowadays!
    A lot I told turned out to be Narcissists themselves, typical
    The most recent being a Guidance Counsellor-she is currently giving me the Silent Treatment.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      I really wish you’d have said to that nurse: Perhaps, but it’s just been confirmed that there are a lot of stupid ones to make up for them. Feel free to use that the next time you are dismissed like that. People!

  18. nikitalondon says:

    Different, my family blamed me and frieds said.. What an asshole.

    1. geyserempath says:

      So intrigued was my friend by his behaviour, she and I googled different things and came up with autism or personality disorders. When we hit on narcissim, my LMV narc hit every bulletpoint on the list. Throughout my entanglement she was supportive, but by the end she was telling me to block him on FB and forget about him. To stop obsessing over him. When I would tell her about his flirtations online, she pointed out “he is only doing that to get a reaction from you”. She saw right through him while trying to support me. Thank goodness I found this site early on and after consultations with HG, felt better. I cannot go No Contact, but I am hoping to achieve Zero Impact.

      1. nikitalondon says:

        Good luck with that. I imagine he was good consultant on what to do.

      2. WokeAF says:

        I also get “holy fuck how do you know so much about this stuff” whereupon I of course immediately refer them to you, HG

        1. HG Tudor says:

          HG approves.

  19. Bibi says:

    Most think when you use a term like ‘narcissist’ that you’re doing it out of retaliation or resentment. It isn’t an insult. It just is.

    I told some people of the narc behaviors and everyone agreed he was an asshole/manipulator and that I should stay away.

    Some thought I behaved hysterically and criticized me for it, which only made it worse.

    I basically give an overview of the behaviors and they’re shocked I stood around for so long.

    Most are unmoved by narcissism and are not interested in learning more because it hasn’t affected them. And if it has, they were normals able to shrug it off.

    I wouldn’t say I had anyone outright blame me, but in general this blog is the only place I have ever been able to discuss what has happened with those who get it.

    No one else wants to hear the definitions of Lesser, Mid-Range, etc. To them, it’s like yeah that’s nice and then they think about something else.

    I am lucky that no one downplayed any of his actions–everyone thought he was a toxic person, manipulator, etc. Again, this blog has been my support site. Friends and family are supportive in that generic sense but they don’t really understand. Other than maybe my mom, who was married to my Lesser narc dad, but she just refers to him as an ‘abuser.’

    1. Joanne says:

      You’re right on with the insult assumption that people take. It’s like, no really, he IS a narcissist. That is what he *IS*.

      Also the fact that they are unmoved! Not interested in learning more! WTF!

      I just don’t understand this way of thinking.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Joanne, I always start saying “I’m gonna tell you something you’re not gonna believe” and continue with “but that’s not the craziest part…” By the time I get to the part where I introduce the “so I found this expert psychopath online” you already got their undivided attention.

        1. zwartbolleke says:

          Ha Ha Ha, Oh my God you are good!

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Thank you, zwartbolleke! (Btw I hope my autocorrect memorizes your name for the next time). I just got off the phone with a friend from London, she asked: what are you up to these days? I explained my routine, and added, just nonchalantly: … “and participating in the narcissist forum, you know, my new normal…”

        2. Joanne says:

          “expert psychopath!” LMAO!

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I mean, you have to give people some time to digest the info, I can’t just throw in there “Ultra Elite narcissist psychopath god,” you know.

          2. Joanne says:

            True, true. That is where I went wrong.

            Then again, some people are just permanently HoU!

          3. Bibi says:

            Oh yes you can. The looks on their faces are pure fuel.

        3. Lorelei says:

          When HG was a little HG I wonder if he dreamed of his own narcissist business?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Hg doesn’t dream, he does.

          2. Lorelei says:

            Haha! I’m looking up Botox and eyelash extensions! Go dream.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            You know they’ve been undertaking research with regard to the impact of mothers taking Botox and the impact on their children’s emotional development

          4. Lorelei says:

            Fuck off

          5. HG Tudor says:

            It’s true. They want to see the impact on young children were the caregiver has a limited range of expression through Botox use.

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:


          7. anm says:

            It’s TRUE! Newborns up to three years of age, learn emotion and how to read emotion from looking at their primary caregiver at that age.

          8. Lorelei says:

            HG—you are such a douche. Haha—I guess smiling is overrated.

          9. HG Tudor says:

            Not at all, I’m making a valid point between Botox and learned behaviours re emotional response. At least I’m keeping it on point as opposed to the flaming make-up, nude shoes, cookery class sessions that appear.

          10. Lorelei says:

            I have nice nude flats with a bow. They were on sale but hurt my heels.

          11. HG Tudor says:


          12. Lorelei says:

            Loose associations although valid. I have black flats as well in the same design. Both pair are miserable.

          13. MB says:

            Lorelei, what a rebellious one you are!

          14. Lorelei says:

            Yes I’ll have to tell you the lesbian strap on story one day. (I bolted)

          15. MB says:

            Lorelei, as long as the story is relevant! (I was referring to your blatant rebellion at the repeated mentions of shoes.)

          16. Lorelei says:

            I had good shoes on to run!

          17. Lorelei says:

            MB—I slept eight hours so I won’t have loose associations again for a number of days my friend:) I get a little bipolar’ish when sleep deprivation is forced from my job! I’ll probably be sane for a good week. Just give it time!

          18. MB says:

            Lorelei, I’m glad you’re all rested up! No way could I do shift work. Staying up all night truly is bad for my mental health. I have to keep my sleep schedule regular, so I hear you and I applaud you. Welcome back to the land of the living 😊

          19. Lorelei says:

            Staying up all night is deplorable MB. I do it for the following: kids are at their fathers so he “thinks” he is “involved” (reliable mid-ranger facade)—the reality is that their waking hours with him are substantially reduced. I’m available for all illnesses, school events, to school and home after school.. Obviously on weekends they are there in the day with him so it’s not a perfect thing but if his girlfriend is there he is forced to interact and provide some normalcy. It’s all very plotted out.

          20. NarcAngel says:

            Guess I was fucked then. Not that she had Botox.

          21. Whitney says:

            HG that’s so interesting. I looked it up and found research that botox actually blunts people’s emotions.

            That’s one way I find psychopathic men. I’ve explicitly noticed being attracted to a lack of facial expressiveness or as I interpreted it “calmness”.

          22. Lorelei says:

            I just can’t. I’m too tired for this. I have forehead lines. Maybe my emotions need blunted because this is unacceptable.

          23. Desirée says:

            Such as shame…I must have missed those make-up and cookery class sessions! Where can I find them?? I must participate!

          24. Desirée says:

            As for the botox research…I would not be surprised to see it having an effect on the baby. Some of these ladies just look plain creepy, especially when they (try to) smile and all those fillers get pushed up. I know someone whom I will now tell that her botox addiction trains her child to feel attracted to psychopaths. Can’t wait for her reaction! Although there won’t be much to see.

          25. Lorelei says:

            Rosemary’s baby comes to mind. At least I would look good on camera!

          26. FYC says:

            The effects of ample botox may be similar to the Still Face Experiment. Lack of nonverbal communication directly contributes to lack of attunement and on to attachment disorders in babies/very young children. Taken to an extreme (still face, combined a with lack of touch or vocal inflection) could quite possibly contributing to the narcissist construct (to control is to cope).


          27. Lorelei says:

            FYC—if I had a baby at this age (which I could but unlikely) it would be a miracle of Jesus/Mary proportions! I’m getting my Botox! 💕💕

          28. FYC says:

            Lol, Lorelei, not to worry, most women over 40 will not raise an eyebrow or frown on your decision–because they can’t! hahaha

          29. NarcAngel says:

            For those who do Botox and birth, teach them poker early. I see great potential there.

          30. Lorelei says:

            Haha—I’ve had forehead lines forever so it’s not even aging but renewed vanity! I need more hobbies clearly.

          31. Bibi says:

            Damn you all I like my smile lines! And I look damn great!

            And did Lorelei tell HG to fuck off? I am impressed.

          32. HG Tudor says:

            I’m not.

          33. Lorelei says:

            He knows why he was told to fuck off Bibi:)
            It was meant affectionately. HG—your book Manipulated is excellent, reading it now while I work. (Or not work..) I almost became emotional (and quickly dispelled such nonsense) over the attrition discussion/Chinese water torture. My life for years. I was indeed patient and reluctant to confront.

          34. HG Tudor says:

            I know you didn’t mean it nastily, I expected a more considered retort.

          35. Lorelei says:

            That is what you get when I’m up for 24 hours. 🤷🏼‍♀️ My brain gets really scrambled. Is this “blame shifting” though?? I slept enough yesterday for a week so I’m good for awhile.

  20. Sweetest Perfection says:

    My friends in Europe know what he is and have found it fascinating. Many of them have started reading HG as well because they have found themselves in a similar situation. One of my best friends called me to let me know it was amazing HG seemed to know her narc in real life because he described him exactly as he is. Only one of them, who is actually the only one that has met the narc in person, has some trouble understanding exactly what narcissism is and blames all the eccentricities she sees on Facebook to his “midlife crisis.” She also believes I’m just resented because our affair was not the romantic love story I imagined in my mind, which is true but not for the reasons she thinks. But the rest doesn’t seem to have a problem with believing me and have actually found the fact that I receive advice from a narcissist psychopath a “typical me” story. Nobody knows anything in the US, but my real friends are not here anyway.

  21. empath007 says:

    There were multiple people telling me to stay away from the narc from the get go. No one wanted to see me in what they considered a bad situation. They also thought the narc was below
    Me in terms of social status and what he could
    Offer me (which was true, but I don’t care much for material things a strong genuine connection with someone is far more important to me – and the narc knew that… and faked it)

    Anyways. I had one friend that used the term love bombing with me to describe what was happening to me, and I had another that used the term narcissist. I did research narcissism upon that intitial claim, problem was the descriptions I saw were for Overt narcs… and he was covert, did not exhibit that self centered attitude to the world. So I continued on ruling that out.

    Later I researched it again. This time finding more accurate descriptions. Confronted him with it, and he confessed.

    Wow. Looking back, I sure had a lot of awesome
    People rallying for me. Think I may give some of those people a call and hug.

    After I ended it, there are only 2 people I trust discussing it with. But In order to go proper no contact I’m trying to cut that out.

    A lot of people in our social circle ultimately sided with him. I just fully accept this and see it as a necessary loss for me to move on with my life. And I have no desire to explain myself to anyone who chooses an abusers side over mine. So that part for me was easy. The abusers behaviour often makes the victim seem “crazy”
    And I’m OK with that.

    Coming here gives me the clarity I need to know that I’m not. And outlines what some of my actual issues are… not ones that he created.

    1. Bibi says:


      Good attitude you have. You cut your losses from those who believe him and move on.

      Interesting you mention moving on from narcissism. The problem is people think narcissism is Donald Trump. They think of the overt showboater but overlook the ‘shy and vulnerable narcissist. The one that plays the victim.’

      I was happy to hear of others describe the Mid Ranger as ‘morally bankrupt’ by their own admission.

    2. WokeAF says:

      When I speak of my LMR sociopath as such , (the narcoholic) since it’s s small town, the reaction is “ya he’s a drunk and a fuckin asshole and we all told you so”

      Now if I have ANY concept of narcissism/ vs narcissistic sociopathy – id say my MMR and my kid’s dad are in the first category bc neither of them have the disposition or utilize the manipulations to the degree they consciously HURT others .

      Weirdly, my LMR, potentially the least self-aware of any of them , actually was AWARE he was saying or behaving in a hurtful manner and it was ON PURPOSE (not always but sometimes)
      – he had the sadistic element whereas my kids dad and my MMR do not. and THAT is what tripped me up so long about the kids dad. The MMR is a cheater, desperate for approval , etc and since I’m not the IPPS it was easier to identify. The LMR has the sadistic element and so was easy to identify and zero cognitive empathy so sociopath was an easy realization .

      Ppl don’t want to hear the word “sociopath”, either.
      If I say my LMR is a sociopath- they stare blankly.

      I rarely talk about it. Any of it. Except in online discussions or w a very close friend.

      1. WokeAF says:

        Actually the LMR has cognitive empathy. He just used it to hurt.

  22. brynnstar says:

    My initial attempts to expose my narc (between escape attempts and hoovers) were of course met with disbelief and indifference. “A narcissist!? Oh no I know him and he seems very nice, actually,” “I can’t believe he would do that to you,” etc. After the disengagement I stopped using the word “narcissist” to describe him and instead focused on detailing the specific behaviors, e.g. gaslighting, compartmentalization and silent treatments. That strategy proved much more effective, and suddenly other victims were coming out of the woodwork to share their own experiences with partners who had also utilized those same abusive tactics against them. The key was leaving out the word that actually describes the sort of person who would exhibit that constellation of behaviors, a term that despite its accuracy strikes most listeners as unnecessarily controversial and melodramatic. I also focused on describing my experiences with lovebombing as he seduced my replacement, so that friends who remained mutual / neutral could see that process play out on social media exactly as I described it.

    By the time my replacement’s devaluation had begun and he brought her to see me perform, most of those in attendance were aware of his nature and from the stage I watched as they bestowed upon him smug, knowing looks to accompany each relevant lyric delivered. That my replacement was sat alone at the opposite end of the bar, looking miserable without so much as a drink in front of her, only served to drive the point further. He turned beet red, the fury upon his face still familiar and unmistakeable, and the two of them ended up leaving early. I recognize that this was merely a single battle won, and that this war will be waged at his discretion for as long as he cares to wage it. But this time, I was at least able to use the time allotted by my replacement’s golden period to prepare for the inevitable. Thanks H.G

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yours welcome

  23. Anna says:

    I only told my best friend. She has been there for me during the entanglement and after the disengagement. Very supportive. But like me at that time: unaware of what exactly a narcssist is.

  24. Restored Heart says:

    My brother, who seemed supportive at the time as we had grown up in an abusive home together, turned on me last November when I questioned his behaviour & started to implement boundaries with him. A year after it ended with my UGN, my brothers 4 year abusive relationship ended & I then supported him & also tried to help his daughter who was living with a somatic Narcissist. Then he got involved with a new woman. I questioned his secrecy, lies & behaviour & getting involved with someone when he still wasn’t over the last one. Wow. I thought my dad was abusive but my brother takes the cake. He made my dad look sane. I knew he was broken but he is out of control. He threw everything I confided in him back in my face realising basically all along he hadn’t believed a word I said or my ability to now spot narcissists a mile off. His nastiness comparable to a Narcissist except he is one VERY broken codependent… There are so many similarities between narcissists & codependents. My brother is the equivalent of a Narcissist ‘angel with a dirty face’ except he is an empath. I am currently ‘no contact’ with him. It is very sad.

    My pastor is still the only one who really believes & gets it.

  25. Michelle says:

    Disappointed that “Described you as mentally ill and suggested you take meds” is not an option here.

    1. empath007 says:

      Brutal. Sorry Michelle.

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Michelle, some people are nasty. Well, you’re here now, and you know there’s nothing wrong with you, quite the opposite.

    3. Caroline R says:

      Agreed Michelle,
      The “said you had bipolar to invalidate everything you said, even though there is no evidence of it” option would have topped the poll…

  26. Chihuahuamum says:

    I chose supportive and understanding. Ive mainly only told people in this blog and one other support group and because id told others who were also dealing with narcissists ive had wonderful support and advice.
    The one person i told outside of the npd community was an online friend who many would look at as a health spiritual guru meditation type man. We met thru vegan networks. I would classify him as a contagion empath. When i told him i was in the initial stages of finding out about npd Ill never forget what he said to me…he said youre dealing with a vampire. At the time i was chuckling but then it hit me …vampire…emotional sucking vampire! Narcissists are vampires on so many levels emotional, physical(health and energy), financial, psychological(crazy making). Yup he hit it on the mark! He never used the word narcissist but he knew what the narc was. This was an enlightening moment for me and also validated what id been dealing with.
    For the most part ive had positive reactions and support but ive not told anyone close to me that knows me offline for obvious reasons. Thats the isolating part when youre in an affair. Its not like you can go tell people close to you. Ive not even told my best friend.

  27. blackunicorn123 says:

    It won’t let me vote either!
    IRL, I’ve found that people look at you in the same way they would if you said you’d googled your headache and then announce you’ve got a brain tumour!

  28. Changed says:

    My husband is an upper mid-range narcissist & I am a super empath. Both raised by narcissistic parents, mine being lesser, his being one lesser and one greater. Both of us have multiple narcissistic siblings. I have found that in each instance, where I am involved, the narcissists always align themselves with where they perceive the ‘power’ lies- the fellow narcissist. I wasted too much time & too many years trying to reason with them using both logic and emotional appeals. Power and control was all that mattered. At the time, I was heartbroken and completely frustrated. No longer applies however because of your insights HG. Armed with the knowledge of how and why they behave the way they do and how and why I behaved the way I did, I no longer engage them on their level- I chose to only engage on my terms now. None of them like it, makes them nervous and anxious- a role-reversal of sorts. Thank you HG, your honest insights released me from that hell.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome, Changed.

      1. Dearest HG: Regarding Change`s reply to you. I remember when you explained this to me when I asked you what you meant by the Mid Rangers throws the Second Punch, and you told me they will wait until they see where the power lies first, and after the first punch is thrown by the powerful side, the Mid Ranger would then throw the second punch in public, aligned with the powerful side, but in private, to protect their facade, and when feeling unobserved, only then will the Mid Ranger usually throw the first punch, so to speak.

  29. AR says:

    I was told whether i have a degree in psychology to be able to call someone a narcissist. Those ex friends knew nothing about narcissism and were born in a functional family. Thus it was difficult for them to relate to me. Their logic was: If you are good person and do anything wrong, then no one will mistreat you. 😂

  30. Rachel says:

    I voted “disagreed”, because I once told a friend, and she said that it was a very heavy ‘accusation’, and that real narcissism is very rare. Of course, I’m no psychiatrist, so I can’t just diagnose someone. But I know what I know, and I’ll just keep my ‘knowledge’ to myself. Anyway it’s hard to explain to others what it’s like to be a victim. Why you accepted the silent treatments, the cold and distant behaviour, the total lack of intimacy, the triangulation and so on. Why after all these mind games, you still miss and love this person. It is insane.

  31. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    For some reason, it won’t let me vote …. the Russians have intercepted my “ageing face app” ….haha
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. FYC says:

      Dear Bubbles, It will let you vote, it is just that the “vote” button is not visible until you cursor over it. It is directly above the “see the results”.

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear FYC,
        I did “curse” over it …. I said “damn bugga blast n poo” …. 🤣
        Ahhhhh of course….. one must look for the “invisible” thing ….haha
        I have an iPad and I am adjusting to this new format …… that black background was super dramatic and looked fabulous … but did my eyes in, also had trouble finding his search bar …”.ohhhhh theeeeeeere it is, that little thing ”
        I did notice it highlighted all the “emojis” brilliantly 😝
        I found it!!! ….. but whether it worked, I’ll never know … the old one said you already voted …hehe
        Thank you my kind little helper … you’re an absolute gem and I’m very much technology challenged … 🤣
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. FYC says:

          Lol, Bubbles. You bring new meaning to cursor! Loved it. You are most welcome.😘

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest FYC,
            I bring a “whole new meaning” to a lot of things one would not think possible my sweet
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. FYC says:

            I have no doubt, sweet Bubbles😘

  32. BonnieLou says:

    I could tick everyone of these boxes. Some friends have been supportive, others dismissive. On the whole, my closest friends have seen me become a stronger, more confident person, not afraid to say “No!” and certainly with clearer boundaries…I think even my Nex was surprised. He’s called me “a very smart girl” Super Empath win!!

  33. cb says:

    I used to be a real classic magnet, with lots of friends liking my easygoing, fixer-helper, smiling attitude.

    But it all changed.

    Ppl are very sensitive to hearing about negative things, no matter how kind I am when I complain about my life.
    There are always happier people they can be with instead, other options.
    They listened and said comforting things during the conversation, but turned silent and I rarely ever hear from them anymore.

    So, like Caroline-is-fine I quickly stopped. Since around 2017 I only mention this here, and stick to pretty easygoing stuff IRL, and I rarely ever post on social media, maybe once a month, only positive stuff.

  34. WhoCares says:

    Fortunately, I had one person who ‘joined me in going down the rabbit hole’ and she read along on the blog for a while…

    With all the professionals involved I (mostly) refrained from using the ‘N’ word and let my ex’s behaviour speak for itself; which it did, loud and clear. I didn’t have to convince anyone that there was something ‘off’ about him. When I finally used the ‘N’ word with some of them I had varying responses:

    Therapist: “Well, he’s definitely ‘narcissistic’…but…” (that led me to discussing me to discussing mid-rangers with her and how they are not all grandiose or fit the ‘typical’ understanding of what a narcissist is.)

    Legal services: I avoided this label or ‘interpretation” of his behaviour at all costs – lawyers want ‘evidence’ , not interpretation – fortunately I had plenty of the former.

    Child protection worker (regarding my ex): “He is his own worst enemy.” (Never talked about ‘narcissism’ with her but I think she must have worked something out for herself.)

    The only others since then that I’ve shared with (other than here) and are two fellow survivors of romantic entanglements who understood implicitly because of what they went through and the conversation would, naturally, lead to the use of the word “narcissist” – and, of course, that would lead to my mentioning of Narcsite.

  35. Lorelei says:

    How about this HG.. I am getting better. Why? I’m not spewing my life out to people so much in “real life.” I don’t need the platform as much or the validation and my intrinsic communication style is shifting. You may be putting Humpty Dumpty back together. I’m only half nuts now! I’m only weird here and not in life.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      I’ve got news for ya: You’re not weird here.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Hahaha indeed! It’s obvious no one here is (a) normal anyway …

      2. Lorelei says:

        Awe thanks NA. I know logically it’s not like “horrible” but it’s like this.. I was covered in fleas and I keep having periodic “dippings” in permethrin. I still have fleas! It’s just not as bad. HG is like the bug man. I’m not as crazy as the Pamela person was. No. I’m absolutely amazed at the lack of guidance and knowledge I’ve been trudging through life with. It makes me really sad actually because some of the damage is likely not fixable. (I won’t do a narc detector for the reason of not wanting certainty in this instance on a particular matter)
        I will do anything to ensure better outcomes for different people in my life.. I’ll say that. I am also increasingly aware of my own behavior—more than I need to elaborate on but this is a multifactorial sort of embarkment. I appreciate the kind comment:)

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Ok. So you’re not weird, but you’re a wordy bitch.

          Ba hahahaha. Laugh or you’re weird again.


          1. Lorelei says:

            Brevity is a weakness of mine.. I feel badly for anyone that has to spend time with me or talk to me! Although, I will say.. My two closest friends hate all people except for me. They are somatic narcissistic bitches—but not narcissists:)
            I feel like I absolutely torture HG and then feel even more horrible.. It’s pathetic NA.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            I’ll have no truck with pity! Snap out of it!!!

          3. Lorelei says:

            Haha—it’s genuine self flagellation! It is pathetic yes! And I’m not seeking for HG to say I don’t drive him nuts either—it’s how I feel interacting with many people so it’s an honest self assessment of my thoughts. I hate being an imposition and I don’t like an over abundance of attention, although at times being goofy generates more attention than I am comfortable with. I’m a mess—I’m going to bed!

          4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Lorelei,
            Yes …. what NarcAngel says ! 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        2. Caroline R says:

          You can relax and just “be” here with us.
          You don’t have to “do” anything or “perform”.
          There are no N-parents here.
          You’re acceptable just as you are!

          We all have our eccentricities and vulnerabilities from growing up with Ns. You’re among friends here.

          1. Lorelei says:

            I’m better now Caroline. I ordered a new foundation I have never tried so I’m excited and happy:)

      3. Caroline R says:

        Re: Lorelei

        1. Caroline R says:

          Word Press has disconnected my comment form its source, which was NarcAngel supportively telling Lorelei that she wasn’t weird.
          I agreed.
          Now that my comment is stuck down here it makes no sense, so I thought I’d add this clarification. I don’t like to be misunderstood.

  36. Iris says:

    Excellent question HG, I imagine you’ll get some very interesting responses!

    I had the full range of reactions from people:

    A co-dependent close friend (who was in a more abusive relationship than I) encouraged me to try to work with the narchole to resolve my issues and downplayed a lot of his behaviours.

    My sister (who had been in a similar relationship a long time previously) understood the dynamic, encouraged me to leave and supported me in doing so, but still doesn’t have a full grasp of what exactly a narcissist is and doesn’t particularly care to dig further.

    Male friends jokingly said things along the lines of ‘what did you do to make him do that’ (the stalking etc.) And wanted to talk no further than agreeing that I should stay away from him, and ‘banter’ about beating him up if he approached me again. They seemingly have very little knowledge of NPD and no interest in looking into it.

    People I had to explain my situation to (for security when he was stalking in person, at my work and home) were understanding and somewhat helpful because they didn’t know him that well and their main experience of him was the creepy angry stalker so they readily accepted my story but I didn’t go into detail about the emotional side of things with them.

    I haven’t talked about it with narc-ish mother, she would likely focus on how and why I’d ‘got myself into’ the situation and why I hadn’t got out earlier, no sympathy or understanding.

    I had a good long talk with the girl he cheated on me with (although technically he cheated on her with me first then went back and forth) her upbringing was such that she was primed for his manipulations. She wasn’t really open to looking at him as a narcissist- her theory was more that he was just ‘messed up’ I worry (I know I know, not my concern..!) that she’ll be trapped again because she hasn’t grasped the whole narc and empath dance, but I think she’d come to me if she was going through the same process again, and maybe eventually she’ll get it.

    My most cathartic experience has been the most recent- a new housemate who not only has been through a very similar experience, but came to the same conclusion as me, re: narcissism. We have talked over our experiences and helped each other understand more through talking, my worry is that we are encouraging each other to obsess still, but we’ve recognised this and are talking much less of the narcs and helping each other move on.

    All this makes it sound like I’m banging on about the narchole 24/7 but I’m not 😂 mostly I needed to let those close to me understand what was happening in my life and those who i work with etc understand that I needed certain security put in place. After 6 months NC (one lil slip up in April 😬) I’m finally getting to the place where I don’t need to ‘work out’ any more and can recognise the progress I’ve made, mostly with thanks to you HG, you’ve been the best discovery in all this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good to read, Iris.

  37. Better Call HG says:

    I selected supportive and understanding for family and friend’s reactions after my entanglement with a SMMRN. There was some initial skepticism because I was taking advice from a self-described narcissist in Britain. After that initial skepticism, there was acceptance though some friends did not fully appreciate the narcissistic dynamic. Of note, none of my family or friends met the SMMRN.

    I selected diluted and euphesized for their reactions following an engagement with a SLMRN. Both my family and friends met her. My family liked her, but they remained supportive and understanding when i told them she was a narcissist. On the other hand, my friends found other explanations to explain her behavior. While they were consistent that I dodged a bullet, they failed to grasp the narcissistic dynamic and found other explanations. Less than a week after i was shelved, the SLMRN quickly began a new relationship, was engaged within 4 months, married within another 4 months, and is now expecting a child. My best friend said the SLMRN just had low emotional intelligence and it was nothing more than her choosing the new IPPS over me. He rejected that there was any manipulation/triangulaton and failed the appreciate that her rapid engagement/marriage/pregnancy were all narcissistic indicators. My best friend is the most logical person I know and I trust him more than anyone (except when it comes to narcissism, that goes to HG). I believe because he met the SLMRN and liked her (she ingratiated herself quickly with him), he cannot appreciate the manipulations or see the dynamic for control.

  38. Wiser says:

    Whoops I made a mistake the questions are multiple-choice so I have contributed.

  39. Wiser says:

    I didn’t answer because it was not a multiple-choice question.

    I commented here before and I’m fortunate that I had true friends who immediately knew the ex was an asshole narcissist and they were always whispering in my ear against him.

    Of course narcissists know how to seduce your friends and so some of my friends found it surprising when I revealed to them how abusive he was because he had charmed them and ingratiated himself into their lives.

    Unlike some of the people here mainly women who see
    Ex narcs I have not seen the asshole in nine years.

    The last time I saw him I went over to his house to pick up some things he picked up the phone and called the police and told them I was creating a ruckus. I wasn’t.

    I called him a punk ass and I told him you will never ever be in a room again with me.

    And he has not seen me face to face for nine years he actually moved out of town he tried many things to bring me back into the web of sickness they all failed.

    I’m grateful for HG and recommend many friends to him.

    HG I have a question for you I consider myself an intelligent woman. I most certainly do not define myself as an empath.

    I am a widow. My lovely husband who I married and was one of the people warning me against the narcissistic asshole, unfortunately passed away a few years ago I took time to heal years now I want to get back out there which one of your services do you think would be more beneficial for me?

    I inherited some things from my husband and I don’t want to be exploited. I do consider myself intelligent please advise how you could help me thank you.

  40. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

    Dearest H.G. I did not tell any friends. The words that I had to try to explain this mystery, I knew would sound so stupid and ridiculous. I could not express the event in any way that would sound believable. Especially since people in general consider me to be a reasonably intelligent person.

    1. Lorelei says:

      Princess, I relate to this. It’s been a great source of hesitation mostly. It sounds bananas. (To many)

  41. just a number says:

    Havent told anyone. Still hoping for the guy under the mask…..

  42. Sally says:

    They blame ME for chosing a person who is simply selfish or wans to take me in…the problem is in ME of course 🙁

    1. empath007 says:

      Re traumatizing a victim. Isn’t that just like most people to do? *sigh*

      Hope you find the validation you need here Sally.

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Victim blaming is horrendous, when are people going to realize? I’m sorry, Sally.

  43. Whitney says:

    I told countless people 😅 The response always supportive and understanding.

    I’d tell them quickly, specific things he said or did. Such as saying “what if I impregnate a 16yo?”, while I was pregnant. Or when I asked him “do you want to be a world leader?”, his response “I intend to be”.

    Because I’ve dealt with with a victim Narcs who claimed the ex was abusive but don’t give examples.

    I just explain his behaviour and let them make judgement.

    People believe me, counsel me, do therapy on me, want to help, invite me to their church, ask to beat him up or slash his tyres, say he’s a freak, ask to exclude him from social groups, etc. Telling people was only a positive experience.

    1. Whitney. You have wonderful communication skills then. Very very good. I am completely serious. It is a very good skill to have. I see good things for you if you ever end up in the communications field. Please keep what I say in mind.

      1. Whitney says:

        You are my favourite commenter PrincessSuperEmpath 😄
        People just think I’m cute. I’m sweet.
        I have a business. My mum who has narcissistic tendencies used to work with me and she would sporadically swear at customers 😅 I fixed it afterwards and had a 100% success rate. I’m really nice 😆 One lady asked to work for me after my mum swore at her.
        I got my mum out of the business 3yrs ago and it’s been relaxing.

  44. MB says:

    I keep hoping that you’ll add the period after the G in this graphic. I see that hope has failed me yet again!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I’ve told you before, there’s no full stop when it comes to our kind…

    2. WhoCares says:

      “… there’s no full stop when it comes to our kind.”

      Ha – ain’t that the truth…


      I never even noticed this until you pointed it out!…think I was too focused on the fabulous figure in the fedora.

      1. MB says:

        WC, I’ve been on a crusade since I first saw it. I’m salty about it. It offends my trait of…of…I don’t know what! It won’t be changed. A replacement may be on the horizon!

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          MB, I think you focus too much on HG. I mean, on the letters of course.

          1. MB says:

            SP, both! The letters and the Lord. He’s my favorite narc.

    3. Rachel says:

      Ha ha! I wish I didn’t read your comment, now I miss the full stop, too. Very distracting 👺

    4. IdaNoe says:

      It’s a funny thing how everyone just accepts the facade, the odd behavior, half truths and out right lies. My mother is not a powerful narcissist. She’s not wealthy and wields no special power, yet they all prefer to look away, make excuses or flat out lie for her. I warned them and she abused some of them and they still remain loyal. She’s my mother, I was programmed from birth to be loyal to her, but they’re not. Even some doctors and care staff have defended her. Trying to invent a reason for her bad behavior. She has dementia, she has depression, she has sundowners. No, she’s putting on a show for everyone to watch because when no one is looking, she’s different. They just don’t want to accept that she has a mental illness called narcissism and all of her behaviors can be explained by that diagnosis. Until I stopped it, dozens of people would call and ask how’s your mom? Does she need anything? Very few ever asked how I was or if I needed anything. I’ve watched grown men walk past me(as I unloaded 50# bags of feed corn), go to the door, knock, and ask my mother if she needed help unloading feed. It’s like I didn’t exist. So needless to say when I openly and loudly called her out on her shitty behavior, it was not well received. I’ve been isolated and shunned. That’s ok though. I like being alone. No one yapping in my head and I don’t care to be part of their delusion. My mother is like a blackhole. She consumes everything around her. I wish them luck. Hope they survive it.

      1. WhoCares says:

        Wow – IdaNoe, that would be hard to endure (the reactions of others) and it would be endlessly frustrating to explain the facade to people; so glad you’ve moved past the point where you feel the need to.

    5. Joanne says:

      I can’t not see this now…

      1. MB says:

        What Joanne? The missing period? It’s still not there. I’m keeping the faith though. My ability to hope is quite remarkable indeed. Miracles happen everyday.

      2. MB says:

        I misread your comment Joanne. I seem to be doing a lot of that this week 🤣 Never mind my neuroses!

        1. WiserNow says:

          I think you have inadvertently started a collective empathic mission of watching every poll to see if the missing period is eventually added in 😂

        2. Joanne says:

          Too much sex on the brain, MB 😂

  45. Caroline-is-fine says:

    In RL, I don’t explain. I keep it to myself, because I don’t want to involve anyone/don’t believe they will handle it well.

    1. Sally says:

      Correct, the do not believe and it is your faualt because you allow him to treat you like that…..

      1. Caroline R says:

        Trauma bonding is not well understood by the general population.

    2. chelmi51 says:

      Since I have just become aware of this web page, I am not certain if you have a wealth of knowledge about said subject, and are writing incognito ” posing ” as a narcissist, and how he/she would think , or actually “ARE ” one ? And if so…why would you want to enlighten people to your twisted mind ? It would seem that it would be ” helping ” he or she in the long run, given such tools. Oh ! That’s right ! It bolsters your ego, and makes you some kind of a ” ? hero ? ” Do you think entanglement with very selfish , ego engorged people like yourself is ” funny ? ” That is a special kind of sickness , if so.

      1. chelmi: At the top of this page is a section that says: ABOUT. chelmi, this section among others that you can view at your convenience, may answer your questions about HG`s purpose, as the Ultra Narcissist and expert on Narcissism and why his mission is to bring his expertise to his readers and to the mental practitioners who all need, and they admit this, the more in depth and accurate and broader understanding of NPD, and they also say he has expanded the knowledge in the field tremendously as you will see quite swiftly as you read and understand his work, which he provides in many mediums to reach his readers.

    3. Caroline-is-fine says:


    4. Nadège says:

      Same here. I keep silent, because I don’t think anyone will believe me. Another reason to hold my tongue is because I want to protect other people, especially my husband. I am certain my husband WILL believe me, because he knows me, but I am also certain he will confront the narcissist, and that would be the most dangerous thing to do. I do not think the narcissist will get physically violent, he is a coward and he does not want to be unmasked, but I do think he is capable of doing something unimaginable, like setting my husbands office on fire.

      Also: keeping it to myself is the best way to stay objective. I realise that the narcissist is actually a mental patient. He can not be helped. There is no cure. How do you explain this to people who only see his mask? That is why it is better to keep silent, and to stay away from him.

      Last reason: talking about the narcissist with other people would give him too much credit. And credit is fuel.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        Nàdege, I agree with you. One of the reasons I don’t tell my husband is that I know he will confront the narcissist and I want to protect him from all this drama.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          And if there’s a confrontation, don’t put it past the narc to goad your husband into a physical confrontation and then charge him with assault. Especially if he’s a Mid (victim).

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            NA, I don’t even want to think of that scenario because my husband is black belt in karate and the narc is all pictures of his abs but a coward in the end. But the mess of telling his wife too, and getting everyone on board… I can’t even start imagining that.

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