Why Does The Narcissist Blow Hot and Cold? Part One
“I don’t get it, one minute he is all smiles and cuddles and the next he acts like he doesn’t know me.”
“I don’t know what is going on. Earlier in the week he wanted to hang out with me and now when I call to make arrangements he doesn’t seemed bothered.”
“He was in a foul mood and then suddenly he was being really nice to me and I have no idea why.”
Familiar sentiments? Most likely they are when you are dealing with our kind. Why is it that one moment everything is wonderful and the next it all goes wrong? Why are there periods of elation and then periods of erosion? Why are we so inconsistent in the way that we behave with you? Let’s begin with the Intimate Partner Primary Source, the most common recipient of this behaviour.
The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)
Whether you are our wife, boyfriend, partner or lover, the IPPS will find themselves subject to this vacillating behaviour.
The Seduction Golden Period
Once you have been installed as the primary source, following your seduction as an intimate partner secondary source, you reap the rewards of being our primary source of fuel, the apple of our eye and the light of our life. There will be only the heat of manufactured passion, the warmth of apparent caring and the fire of fabricated desire during this period.
During this golden period our fury (which is expanded on below) is in effect capped and therefore does not manifest. This ‘capping’ occurs for two reasons. The first is that you are supplying us with positive fuel and therefore if you happened to criticise us, we are able to brush it off because (a) we are being well fuelled in a positive manner and (b) we regard you as ‘white’ ; you are wonderful and our mind set is such that the criticism does not have the same effect. Secondly, even if we began to react to your criticism, we exert control because we do not want to lose you at this juncture and we want the positive fuel to keep flowing (we do not want your negative fuel at this point). There is also the issue that you are highly unlikely to cause a criticism because of the way you are responding to us during this golden period.
Accordingly, it is extremely rare to see us blow hot and cold during seduction for these reasons. You might find a reaction from a Lesser Narcissist who is criticised early in the golden period, who cannot exert sufficient control and accordingly he erupts, but it is extremely rare.
The Devaluation Period
This is when the alternating between hot and cold commences and there are a variety of reasons why this happens.
The first occurs in The Instant and is as a consequence of the ignition of fury. If you say (or more likely) do something which is perceived by us as criticism, it wounds us. Bear in mind that it may not seem like a criticism from your perspective, indeed you are usually at a complete loss as to why we have reacted as we have done. The blowing hot and cold which occurs in The Instant is naturally your fault.
Whatever it is that you have said or done, it has been perceived as a criticism. This wounds us and our self-defence mechanism is for the churning fury that is ever present, to be ignited. This happens more often with Lesser and Mid-Range narcissists because those members of our brethren are unable to control their fury with the same skill and discipline as the Greaters.
This ignited fury may manifest as heated fury as we erupt and call you names, break things, slam doors, hit you and such like. Accordingly, all was going well and you cause a criticism and our volcanic rage erupts as the situation becomes super-heated. Alternatively, this ignited fury emerges as cold fury whereby you are subjected to a baleful glare, being cold shouldered and treated to silent treatments. Thus the situation becomes ice-cold.
In the blink of an eye, you have unbalanced the situation through your criticism. Our reaction is based on self-defence. Since you are in the devaluation period, the ‘cap’ on our fury that existed during the seduction period has been removed. Accordingly, it is only a matter of time before you do or say something which ignites our fury and boom, we react. One minute we are enjoying a family film and the next we have thrown the popcorn across the room and are glaring at you from our armchair.
The reason the fury ignites is to cause an intense reaction so that you react to it and provide us with fuel (or others do who witness the explosion). Usually, the ignited fury is directed towards the person who has caused the criticism by way of punishment and the need to cause them to atone for their transgression. By insulting you, striking you, spitting at you, shoving you, glaring at you, sitting and sulking we are aiming to prompt an emotional response from you. This provides us with fuel. Once you provide us with fuel, the wound you have caused is healed and our ignited fury abates. Consequently, we then carry on as if nothing has happened. Accordingly, in the space of a few minutes we go from calm to furious and then calm again. We have blown hot and cold and of course it has to be your fault because we are never at fault in our minds.
That is how we blow hot and cold in an instant and whilst theoretically this could happen at any stage in the narcissistic cycle it happens most with the IPPS during the devaluation.
We also blow hot and cold with you over an elongated period because of the need for contrast. Isaac Newton’s Third Law stated
” For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
Whilst this was directed in the field of physics, this is of equal application to the narcissistic dynamic. We have to create contrast in order to derive the most potent fuel. If we dig a ditch which is ten feet deep and shove you into it, you will probably be hurt as you fall into the ditch. If we build a tower thirty feet high next to the pit and push you from the top of the tower, then you have a forty foot drop and will suffer greatly owing to this starker contrast.
When we are seducing you, we are devaluing someone else.
When we are devaluing you, we are seducing somebody else.
When we allow you a Respite Period during the devaluation it is because we have turned against somebody else and thus we see you as ‘white’ once again.
When we start devaluing you again it is because we are savouring the resumption of seduction of another or perhaps starting a seduction anew with a new appliance.
It is all about creating that contrast.
If there are times where we have walked in to the house and we begin berating you from the moment we arrive you are at a loss to even identify what you could have done to cause this. The belittling commenced the moment we stepped through the doorway. What has happened is that we have been with someone else (not necessarily in an intimate way, it might have been an Non-Intimate Secondary Source, a friend) and having gained their positive fuel, it remind us of why we are devaluing you. This causes us to continue to regard you as ‘black’ and therefore we are unpleasant to you as soon as we first appear and continue being so until your emotional response fuels us and we stop.
If we are driving and we cut up another driver who we then pulls up alongside us and we swear at him and threaten to get out the car and stamp on his trachea until it bubbles, we gain negative fuel from the other driver’s frightened or upset or angry response. We can then turn to you (even in devaluation) and smile and kiss you on the cheek, to enjoy your contrasting positive response to the negative one which we have just obtained.
Accordingly, when we are seducing somebody else, we seem them as ‘white’ and thus you are ‘black’ because we need the contrast between the two of you. The IPSS we are seducing is seen as wonderful (and all the more because we despise you) and you as the IPPS are seen as awful (and all the more because we adore the IPSS). The contrast makes the fuel from both sources all the more potent.
If we decide to give you a Respite Period it may be because a NISS has been disloyal and we have devalued them, so we see your dogged loyalty as a good thing for a short time. It might be because the IPSS we have been cultivating is not delivering as we expected and whilst our disappointment in them is not sufficient to cause us to devalue them it means we will park them for the time being and you gain by getting a Respite Period.
All of the various appliances that we are connected to have an effect on one another and most of all on the IPPS.
Thus during the devaluation period you will find us behaving “okay” with you when we are neither especially pleasant or horrible, but then suddenly we shift to being unpleasant and then a Respite Period comes out of nowhere. It will appear arbitrary and inconsistent to you but there is a logic behind it.
What about the period post discard when you were once the IPPS and you have been demoted from that heady position? We once adored you and now we do not even acknowledge you. This is because we are obsessed with the new primary source and have no interest in you anymore. This is why if you stay out of our spheres of influence and the Hoover Execution Criteria is not met, you hear nothing from us in the immediate aftermath of discard.
Then, some time later, we appear with smiles and compliments as we apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover. Our approach to you has altered again and you have done nothing. In such an instance we are now devaluing your replacement and we want some delicious hoover fuel from you. You triggered a hoover, the Hoover Execution Criteria was met and thus we come after you for that positive hoover fuel. Deny it us and we may suddenly shift in an instant to a malign hoover, again you are puzzled as to why our attitude towards you has altered so quickly, but from our perspective it makes sense. If you have rebuffed our hoover and we have decided against withdrawal, the easiest way to gain some fuel from you (to heal the wound caused by your rebuffing criticism) is to dole out a malign hoover and seek negative fuel from you.
If you approach us when we are infatuated with our replacement, you will receive a malign hoover (if not ignored as explained in The Immediate Aftermath ) because at that time your replacement is regarded as ‘white’ thus you remain ‘black’ as the opposite and equally strong reaction.
We blow hot and cold because of the ignition of our fury in the instant and also because of this constant need to create contrasts and accord with the principle of opposite and equal reactions. This is why we engage in black and white thinking, it enables us to create the contrast that our needs demand and consequently causes us to blow hot and cold with you. Sometimes the hot appears as passion and desire, other times as rage, sometimes the cold appears as indifference and disinterest and other times it is a silent treatment and ignoring you. So long as there is a contrast, we will blow hot and cold.
The effects of blowing hot and cold are as follows:-
- First and most importantly the gathering of fuel. This is to power the construct and also in certain instances to heal the wound caused by your criticism;
- To maintain control over you;
- To underline our omnipotence by being able to control you;
- To emphasise our notion of superiority;
- To disorientate you so you give fuel and fail to comprehend what is happening;
- To create an apparent lack of consistency which prevents your understanding and adds to your confusion;
- To prevent you from being able to move forward because you are emotional, confused and disorientated.
All of the above fits together so that there will be wheels within wheels as we blow hot and cold with you.
Part Two examines why we blow hot and cold with the Intimate Partner Secondary Source, the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source and the Non-Intimate Secondary Source which includes the familial narcissistic dynamic.
4 thoughts on “Why Does The Narcissist Blow Hot and Cold? Part One”
Denizens of Tudor world, Mr. Tudor, whoever is listening right now. I am in desperate need for some solid advice. I’ve been a long time reader here trying to heal myself from this terrible narc addiction and I can’t tell you all how much reading all your individual experiences in the comments section has helped me. I recognize myself in so many of you… please help, any advice will be more appreciated than you will know. There is no other place in the world to go to find smart people who can relate to this.
I tearing myself apart right now with ET. My (married) narc hoovered me into another golden period after a 13 year disappearing act that had devastated me for years. After our initial relationship and the brutal ghosting discard, eventually I healed by no contact and got happily married, had kids, the whole shebang and on with my life, yay! It took me years to really heal and get myself back on track. I didn’t know he was a narc then.
Fastforward 13 years and his big hoover came at a very tough time in my life and he suckered me back in with all the honey-coated shit that you all have probably experienced. Love bombing at its finest and it really took my breath away. It was very emotionally charged for me, and it grew physical, and then he devalued and discarded me again, just as soon as he had pretty much broken up my marriage. I came clean to my husband about what had happened, got a lot of therapy, but did not break complete ties with the narc, stupidly. I attempted to be friends with him — my addictive pull was still and IS still so strong. I know, I know. GOSO. Don’t judge.
I think I finally hit a wall in myself and realized full stop that I cannot be friends with this narcissist psychopath without continually being shredded to pieces. Well, the very big anger still burning inside of me is that he escaped our affair without his wife finding out, without any consequences whatsoever of his treatment of me and literally no care in the world about me. I know — typical of an empath to be driven crazy by this unfairness.
And now I have the nuclear codes — all those cloyingly sweet emails he wrote to me, professing undying love to lull me back into his manipulations — to really bring him down and ruin his current mask with his wife. His grand hoover came during her pregnancy with their second child and he is truly a monster. He is a victim mid-ranger and nothing is every his fault and this would be so, so satisfying to bring him down to earth. I am obsessed now with the VERY STRONG urge to simply forward her his old emails to me. I have her email, but we’ve never had contact, obviously. I have this burning desire to make him at least face up to his poor wife, who deserves to know what a low-life piece of shit she is married to. He does have two smaller kids, so that always changes these equations as well, I do know all too well (I have kids too).
In our very last text communication, i told him that I plan to send them all to her. He begged me not to, told several lies, and then tried manipulate me against doing it with the threat of harming himself (this was a regular ploy by him). It felt great to watch him squirm for once, I do admit.
Now, do I push the button and walk away? It’s been two days of letting him be anxious about it. I love that thought, of just leaving it like a bomb that he never knows quite if it will drop on his life, but the problem is that I’m anxious right now about it too since I haven’t decided what to do. Do I quell this obsession through other means and take the high road so his family life remains intact or take revenge on this bastard and ruin his mask.
Oh Tudorworld, please help me. It’s invading all my brainspace and my trigger finger itches so badly. What would you do? I really don’t want to be evil, but this man literally ruined years of my life and it might taste so sweet.
Please be non-judgemental if you choose to give advice.
Listen this is tough , it is cruel I know as I also was a DSecret
Ok first off how did your husband find out ?
Was you or the narc , if so did your husband approach this man .
I understand the urge to tell the wife I really do but need more info
How did he discard you ,was it a one time sexual act or did the affair go on awhile .
I am obviously not Hg so cannot give you his advice
If you feel it will make you feel better then tell her but
You might feel worse afterwards that’s the way ET works .
I think you need to calm down first though
If you need any advice I’m here
Also think of this
You may not get the response you anticipate
His wife WILL most likely blame you
It’s awful I know .
You will be tarnished the psycho other woman whilst him and wifey work on their marriage
When I felt like this I sat down and watched Fatal Attraction I made myself do it
Why ? After watching the movie I realised I DO NOT want to become that broken woman so desperate that I would resort to telling the wife
Now some tough love
You must take SOME responsibility for what happened.
I’m not judging you as I said I was a long term DSecret.
You wanted the fantasy but that’s all it was .
You wanted more from this man otherwise it wouldn’t hurt so much .
No married man is EVER going to run off into the sunset with you .
You are an adult and made a choice to become sexual with him.
He did not force you and didn’t promise you anything
Yes it hurts but if I was you NO I wouldn’t involve his wife and kids it will not change how you feel at all.
Your articles are getting even more informative Sir 😊 My Nex Mid Ranger has accused his new seduction interest for his job loss and outing him on a Blacklist page (all done via 3rd parties as per your ‘Revenge’ book). He has not accused me, although he knows it was me. What is his thinking HG?