Never Again

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

12 thoughts on “Never Again

  1. Lisa says:

    Holy cow. The last “never again” is my life. I have to try to recover but I am afraid, at this point, that I’m literally losing my mind.

  2. Lisa says:

    Hello, I’m going to attempt to get out after 16 years together total time. I have two teenagers from a previous relationship and because they’ve been affected twice as severely as I, I am almost completely ineffective in life and I’m in steady state panic attack… PANIC wakes me up each morning. Please tell me how I should proceed knowing he will be my primary source of income. I value your help.

  3. Jess says:

    Dear HG: thank you for this ‘never again’ reminder. Very apt for me, as I am quietly celebrating one year of absolute NC with exN (despite several hooverd) and keeping my fingers crossed for many more henceforth. Your site and advice have been a tremendous help.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. Lara says:

    Tudor, the last time my narcissist came back for me, he and I “talked” all night.
    He was very sweet and I fell for his charm, but not much.

    The next day, I sent him several messages, very aggressively, telling him that if he spoke to me again I would kill him.
    And I made it very clear that I considered him little more than garbage.

    Do you think that after that he will return?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, he will return. I need more information with regard to your circumstances and to convey more information to you. Your messages were Challenge Fuel and did not wound.
      I recommend you use this

  5. Ta‘mara says:

    After reading this post I think I’m in need of resuscitation; just my luck you’re a Sociopath.

  6. AR says:

    Never again will i be able to love. My heart was broken several times by people who i considered my family. I killed my heart completely. Noone can break something that doesn’t exist anymore.

    Never again will i be able to trust someone.

    Never again will i let my guards down.

    A person who could betray you once will do it twice easily. So why will i want selfish abuser back? He is my worst enemy. F*ck that twin flame concept. I won’t deny that i wanted an apology from him even i cut him off completely. His pride and ego will never let him apologize. That is the last thing he will do.

    Never again will i settle for less than i deserve.

    Never again will i give more than i receive.

    Never again will i let anyone take me for granted and mistreat me.

    Never again will i take anything at face value without questioning intentions of a person.

  7. Kimberly says:

    I truly, honestly believe he will never again come after me for fuel. I probably feel this way because it’s only been 4.5 months since he discarded me and I see him with her. Perhaps it’s because I know he is lovebombing/seducing her. I feel as though I have failed him and he will always look at me as a failure- a disappointment. Broken. Damaged. He will never see me or recognize me as anything else. Secretly though, I hope he does. It’s almost like a scientific experiment for me. (I know – I’m playing with the devil) It would be interesting to see if he would hoover me. If what is written in your many posts would come to pass and what I myself predict will happen, will happen. It would be interesting to “watch” him go through all of the stages. My husband has never been “officially” diagnosed as being a narcissist but I know he is. I know without surety he is.

    As for never again…. my husband devalued me for so long I don’t even know what it feels like for his lips to touch mine. After the love bombing stage ended and he started to devalue me, he would start to criticize the way I kissed. Then it got to the point if I did try to kiss him- I felt I would do it wrong- I became self conscious. It would be awkward. I felt he was judging me. The bedroom was a different story, there were no issues there. However, knowing he has been with so many different woman (behind my back) over the years and seeing who he is with now, I don’t want him inside me ever again. I look at him now and I see him for what he is.he is dirty.

    I would never ever fall for him again. There is nothing he could say or do to seduce me- for me to want him. I know, I know, “I’ve heard it all before Kim. You say never again but if he ever did return you would fall for it. You wouldn’t be able to resist him.”

    I have learned so much about narcissists, thanks to you H. G, and I know I would never fall for HIM again. I have also found myself dehumanizing any woman he is with- like his new supply. I know her name but I don’t call her by it. I don’t see her as a person. Even when I speak about her to others (mother-in law, friends) I only call her “his new supply” “his supply”, “his appliance”. I will never see any woman he is with after me, as a person – as human because I know he doesn’t see them that way.

    I don’t imagine what he is saying to her because I know what ever it they are lies. I am not bothered by him putting his arm around her waist or watching him rub her back, or seeing him hold her hand. I feel nothing when I witness this. I don’t feel any form of envy/jealous towards her. I know it means nothing to him- he does it so his supply thinks he cares about her but I know he doesn’t. He told me in the last a couple of years of our marriage, he didn’t like to show affection in public. So, it’s not real. This is a show. I know everything I have done with him, every word I have spoken to him- you look sexy, I love you in your jeans, your so strong, I love your muscles- their so tight and firm, I love you, your a great hockey player, I love your smile, your blue eyes, I love how you look in your hats, your so smart etc etc. I have said it all to him before. I was the first to say all those things to him (he was 19 when I met him, 20 when I married him and 42.5 years old when he discarded me 4.5 months ago. Yes, the praise, the compliments he will receive from her will give him fuel. But I know those words really mean nothing to him – after a while he will get bored of her saying them – she will not say it the way she used to and she will not respond the way he desires her to respond. He will eventually look for another source of supply and will begin the devaluation stage (I know he gets fuel from that too) on her and will eventually discard her.

    Secretly, I can’t wait until he does. Do I want her to go through what I went through, no. However, I did warn her when I had a restraining order issued against her. He is lovebombing her so bad she is blind. She is deaf. She believes everything he says to her- she believe the charges against him are false- (he’s good – but he hasn’t fooled everyone. It’s hard to say you didn’t do something or say something when you can press play to the video recording for all of his friends to hear. He of course has started to isolate her from those “friends” who want nothing to do with him.

    You are right about one thing…. my life will never ever be the same again. Never.

    But I will never ever be sucked in by him. I know to much. I know what he is and I know none of it is real. It’s an illusion.

    1. fauxfur5 says:

      Mine will never be given the chance to worm his way back. Why would I let him ? 3 months of fun in a 6 month relationship is not enough to have me chomping at the bit to reconsile with anyone!. He therefore has no grip on me. that was broken the day I left in Jan. . Arrested. Guilty, no contact order, blocked everywhere. i see him and the new piece every weekend. Me and her exchange pleasantries, I treat him as invisible. So far… no hoover, no fuel. zip, zero, nada is all he gets from me. I sit back and watch him looking old and miserable while she paws him for attention and receives none. why is that btw if they are in the golden period? (recently engaged)? i find it all very intriguing an ongoing soap opera unfolding in front of me. I think you overestimate the powers of the golden period tbh. I’d walk away from Tom Hardy for less if he was as controlling as the narc ex..

  8. Leslie says:

    I know that even while he’s grooming the next and in-place IPPs, he’s cheating in real and virtual. I know how gross he is when he stops playing nice in sex and hygiene. I know he is building a smearing portfolio on them. I know how vicious he is when his fury is triggered, and something will always trigger his fury. I know he needs to devalue a vulnerable person to pretend to himself he’s powerful and so he can switch identities with them to keep up his façade. I know he needs to feel dominant and will run through all the narc behaviours to textbook perfection.

    I know there’s nothing better anyone else will get than what I had. They will be exploited for whatever resources they possess until they are sucked soul dry. The respite periods are short and have fakery bleeding through.

    I know.

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