Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery
This is a capricious, arbitrary and hostile world. It must be brought to heel, tamed and subjected to the exertion of control. My control.
This is why I must cause every appliance that I come across to become attached to me. From my next door neighbour who I say hello to and exchange banal pleasantries with for the sake of my façade (even though I would readily drive a rusty meat hook through his malformed cranium if he tells me again about the refurbishment details of his latest property acquisition) through to my friends who join me for drinks on a Friday evening through to the latest girlfriend that I parade, all of them must be attached to me.
The creation of my construct is the device which causes these individuals to become attached to me. That magnificent edifice which is created from the mirrors which I show towards those whose paths I cross. Make the ticket inspector smile on the train by supporting him dealing with a obstreperous teenage passenger, encourage a friend in his plans to lose weight, show that prospective IPPS her own hopes and desires so she begins to fall in love. All of that is the work of the construct which is designed to draw each and every source – from the tertiary through to the ever-so-crucial Intimate Partner Primary Source – to me and cause them to attach to me.
Whether the barista thinks I am a pleasant and loyal customer, a junior colleague considers me an inspirational boss, the lady I pass every other day whilst out running gives me a smile of acknowledgement and admiration, whether a friend considers me someone he can turn to for advice, whether she falls hopelessly in love with me; there are thousands of different ways for these appliances to attach to me.
It might be a jealous co-worker who seethes at my arrogance, the nervous supplier who dreads my call demanding what is behind his company’s latest cock-up, the weeping cast off who was once the apple of my eye but is now a maggot-infested windfall, all of them remain attached to me.
It is through causing these appliances to be attached to me that I can exert control as I assimilate them into my world. They are mine to control, to utilise, to extract from and through this I can then control my environment. By controlling my environment I aim to minimise the traitorous ambush or the treacherous mutiny. Keeping everything in its place, subject to my control and functioning as I require it, means I drive forward and order is maintained.
Attachment is the key to achieving this. I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment. I will give you the illusion of the golden period, I will lie to you, I will give you generosity, I will show you largesse, I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support, the promise of fuel and the years of practised scrutiny enabling me to give you what you want so I secure your attachment.
Yet for all these fuel pipelines that are connected to me, for all of the bridges that have been built, the links which have been carefully constructed, they are all one-way. It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.
That is why I am so able to turn on the person that I supposedly love and watch as the tears trickle down the disbelieving face as I lambast her for wearing the wrong shade of red or turning up two minutes late. That is why I can lie between the silken thighs of another and promise her the world whilst you lie awake wondering where I am and praying that I have not been involved in a road accident. That is why I can assure you that you will be promoted by year end and in the next meeting offer it to somebody else instead. That is why I can decide not to turn up to the dinner party you have spent a month planning and go and watch a film elsewhere. That is why I can smash your grandmother’s watch with a ballpein hammer as you observe, in a fit of hysterics.
My lack of attachment allows me to disappoint, renege, cheat, lie, provoke, hurt, torture and abuse. It gives me fluidity, mobility and efficiency. I am not hampered by guilt, nor remorse or a sense of obligation. I form no attachment with you. I do not feel it.
You may ask me what I might think of those who I interact with and I can conjure up the tributes and platitudes in an instant:-
“John? Excellent worker, never lets the company down, a key member of the team.”
“She is a wonderful woman, I do not know what I would do without her. She is my world.”
“He is amazing. First name on the team sheet every week.”
“NarcSide Inc? Fucking brilliant. Use them. I did once. Never gone anywhere else.”
But for all of this I feel nothing by way of attachment. I bolt you on to me, but I will not attach to you. What does attachment bring? Nothing but misery. Look around and you will see the woe and pain that being attached brings for people.
You become attached to a pet dog which will die in 10 years’ time and you cry for the loss of your furry friend. Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?
You are attached to your employer and show loyalty? What for? So they can bend you over and shaft you by making you redundant and show you the door without even a tub of lube to ease the pain of the experience?
You are attached to your house, but you have to sell it, or it burns down, or it is flooded, or someone breaks in and yet more pain is dumped on you.
You are attached to your friend and share everything with that person and then one day he is mowed down by an articulated lorry and is left nothing but a smear on the road. You are distraught, besides yourself with grief because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to a lover, a girlfriend, a husband, a partner only for them to cheat on you, to leave you for someone else, to shuffle off this mortal coil pumped full of morphine or grasping their chest as a heart attack takes them from you. Your world comes crashing in, you are shattered, besides yourself with grief and it is all because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to offspring only for them to disappoint you, leech from you, turn to an unsavoury lifestyle which embarrasses you and dismays you because you are attached to them. Or you are always worrying how they are getting on at school, will they secure that job, pass their driving test, find a good man or woman? Your feelings are put through the mill owing to this attachment.
Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty, a sense of achievement and more besides. I have heard it before, but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.
It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.
Yet for me, I do not even have to contemplate creating that tower or ensuring that the ditch is dug deep. I do not have to roll out the figurative barbed wire and electric fences to keep people out. This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done.
I can attach them to me. That is easy. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. A combination of brilliance, charm, magnetism, manipulation and the identification of those from the strong to the weak and back again who are the best for succumbing to being attached to me. I can bring that about through all of the various seduction techniques I have described before.
Yet for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist, from tertiary to secondary to primary source, I do not know how to form an emotional attachment with someone. I may align interests and outcomes and sense a mutuality of purpose but I feel nothing for these appliances. There is no bond. There is nothing attaching me to them. The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel from all those in my fuel matrix pervades my relationship with those in that matrix. I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships with all those around me.
Whatever it is that compels you to feel connected to somebody else, whatever you describe it as and I have heard people do so on many occasions, I remain unable to sense and experience it myself.
There is just nothing there.
Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.
The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.
I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.
94 thoughts on “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery”
HG my King 🙌 I’m here to love and help you. Your Geyser Carrier Empath.
I trust you HG ✨🌞🌻
So you should.
Thank you HG 🌼🌻
Now I know what you are— very cool.
Dear Mr. HG Tudor,
You are so great. So impressive. So extraordinary. I am attached to you. I am bound to you. You control me. I love you.
May I continue to express my love for you and adoration of you on your blog?
Yes, you may.
(No money exchanged hands with regard to this declaration of admiration).
NJFilly – you may not without my approval. 51% of your admiration must be directed to me. Wink 😉
Ha ha ha! Is 51% too low HG?
Okay. Lesson learnt. Never joke with a Narcissist… especially when you steal his thunder.
Except you never do. You do try, but you always fail.
The best part is that you really think that I tried, which I have not, with anybody. Ever. No need to. We are different creatures.
I know you tried, you keep trying. And failing. Perhaps when you find that church you can seek divine intervention!
We cannot collect any admiration we receive here and trade it in for coin .
Even if this was some alternative universe where you could actually trump HG ,
What would you walk away with? An idea about yourself .
You sound frustrated! Evidently your mother called you a failure all your life, imprinted in your vernacular resonating deep within you causing you to do the same to others when in reality ~ it is just you failing.
Oddly enough my long list of successes contradicts you.
Dearest Hg: Of course. No one would follow a person and converse with them, even for years, using up precious unretrievable time, because they thought the said person was a failure. They would respect their own selves more than that. I am sure you are being teased just to obtain a rise out of you. I bet money. However, many men do love being teased I guess, so it’s all in good form, I gather. But you are a Raging Intellectual Success, The Talk of Your Field, State of the Art, and Ahead of Your Time, and even Artistic: Just for the record. And, I tease not in this. Of course.
I didn’t notice an tone of frustration.
Indeed Tammy, because as you identified I wasn’t and I’m not.
I am pleased to hear it and I wish you continued success.
Sniglet I feel queasy reading that.
Princess Super Empath 👸 he’s also a Humanitarian. He saves lives. Hours and hours for free, every day.
I’m new here. I don’t understand your comment. Although I assume it’s a joke 🙂
Well that makes 2 jokes in 1 then.
NJFilly – it was clearly a joke. HG Tudor didn’t get it and judging by NarcAngel’s comment she is envious. She usually gets this way when HG Tudor diverts his attention to other readers. Her reactions are quite amusing.
Absolute bullshit. NA is one of the least character disordered individuals on here so your assessment of a reaction from her is indicative of your inability to properly assess the environment and dynamics. As far as HG’s attention.. I presume his attention the majority of the time is dependent on what he’s doing day to day. For instance, I have days my kids get less attention or more—it’s not “personal” to the extent you are even considering. I’m guessing he engages more when time is less constrained along with other variables which are less dependent on “favoritism” than you imply as a perception.
NJFilly: Wow. I can learn from you. More please…..
There will be more. I can’t help but express my devotion and loyalty to Mr. HG Tudor. He is magnetizing. Hypnotizing. He has drawn me in like a moth to his flame. He thrills me when he responds to me directly. I can’t leave now.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves
HG, I’ve read somewhere that people who suffer from narcissists repeatedly (i.e. many of us here) have an anxious attachment style, but do well with people who have secure attachment styles – but have trouble finding them attractive. This seems plausible to me; would you agree with this too ?
Second question: a number of sources differentiate between grandiose and vulnerable /covert narcissism; it is frequently said that grandiose narcs have an avoidant attachment style (makes sense to me), and vulnerable ones an anxious style. Would vulnerable/covert narcissism then be what in your terminology is covered by the empathic spectrum, and that’s presumably what yet other theorists call co-narcissism?
And that would mean a non grandiose avoidant narc is missing in these other sources – because not all of the types of narcissists you describe are grandiose, but they’re all avoidant, right?
Or do you also differentiate between avoidant and anxious narcissists?
I do not use the terminology grandiose, vulnerable/covert, avoidant or anxious.
I knew that, hence my question 🙂 OK I’ll put it differently: Have you thought about different attachment styles for different types of narcissists and empaths and if so, where can I learn more? I used “other” terminology to frame my question because I’m interested in this “attachment style” aspect of narcissism and wouldn’t know how to call it otherwise – and am wondering if you have your own classification resp observations?
We do not attach to empaths, LC, we attach them to us. People are attached through the effect of emotional thinking and their addiction to the narcissist. There are varying levels of this addiction which manifest. This is part of the Zero Impact Assistance Package.
Don’t want to pester, you HG, am only checking if my question is still in moderation …Somewhere in the comments underneath an older publication of this article you say (very briefly though) that the narcissist does the attaching (of the fuel source to him) and does not attach- that can‘t be the entire story though, because you can‘t pump fuel without attaching the pump… i think attachment theory makes a lot of sense, am just wondering how it fits into your thinking, and it would be fantastic to hear how different types of narcissists and empaths attach differently, or if, for you, there are only 2 ways: attached and not attached. As in fuel flowing and fuel not flowing. That would not really translate the concept or typology of different attachment styles though….anyway, am looking forward to some thoughts on this…
I have answered your query LC.
You don’t attach, your actions cause us to attach to you. I put up a wall that can potentially be chipped away with manipulation and false sense of feeling safe. We let our guard down and start to trust and believe again. Our ability
to think logically decrease, and emotions take over. We become addicted to a psuedo relationship . We give what will never be reciprocated.
Another defense mechanism for npd and the creature will not allow the person to attach themselves to people, places, and things. I thought a mid range was close to a breakthrough but then he attempted suicide.
All are emotional vampires. Ewe…Good Night
Laughing at the assigned avatars😄
Attachment…it takes courage to attach and form bonds with people bc it means risk of getting hurt.
Narcissists compartmentalise this part of their lives. They are scared to connect. I think bc they were so deeply broken emotionally that part of them is in a perpetual state of blockage. A wall was built to self preserve.
Then theres empaths and we bond with so many and get hurt a lot of the time but i like what empath007 said in their post about relationships that end not being a waste of time. Were all on borrowed time here and all experiences and bonds no matter how temprary mean something. They are the quilt of your life. They are part of your life journey and make you you!
I used to think those that didnt form bonds lived an empty existance but i look at it a bit differently now. They just experience life in a different way. There are many that dont attach but i think they can still lead important rich lives.
I’m loving our new assigned avatars. I mean, if we have a faceless name we get an assigned avatar. I was hoping for an angel face but who cares really. HG is having fun and I’m cool with that. 😇
My left eye looks a bit crazy. Lol🤪
This is also an excellent entry. I’ve never read it before.
Thank you. It’s messages like this — where some pity is evoked for the narcissist — that have finally made it possible for me to go no-contact. He did terrible things to me for over a year, and for most of that time my empathy was devoted to loving him better, loving him more, trying to understand him, trying to help him understand himself. But the reason I can just purely pity him now, without attachment to him, it’s because I can recover from the pain he inflicted on me, but he can never recover from the emptiness and/or malice inside himself. All I have to do is think about how horrible it would be to be him, and that releases me somehow. And pity is the best revenge — you were above me, but not today. I’m looking through you, and you’re nowhere.
I wish I were like you HG (no attachment) when I’m trying to get rid of someone like you.
“There is just nothing there.”
No lie, I wish for this. Once the veil is lifted, the most pronounced feeling are sorrow and sadness. There can be no love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty because what I believed them to be were never real. It was all make-pretend. I wonder which is worse, living the lie or knowing the truth. Even with all the progress I have made (which I don’t assume anyone gives a shit about) and the effort I continue to apply, I image the relief of not having to wake up everyday.
Do you believe that you could be loved without doing a thing? That by helping others without conscious knowledge that something greater than you is working through you? You have over 15 million subscribers? Do you ever see signs in your dreams? Some inner control of your environment or you not coming from others? Ever? Once? When’s
One has to do something to engender love, hate, passion, approval – whatever it might be – from another.
There is nothing greater than me.
I have over 15 million hits, not subscribers, but if you keep spreading the word we will reach and breach 15 million subscribers, so what are you waiting for?!
“There is nothing greater than me.”
You really are a narcissist!
Not a narcissist, THE narcissist. Pay attention!
The only good narcissist!
Do you pretend not to be arrogant in your life?!
I’m not arrogant because I am effective and an achiever.
Hg I’ve intensely studied your work . For a year and a half.
I don’t give up my autonomy for critical thinking to anyone or anything. I don’t “believe” in things, I don’t “believe” people
I wait until things are seen as personal truth
But after trying and testing what you’ve said for so long, I have come to the conclusion that I do not need to try and test any longer. At this point I take your word as the truth on all matters to do with narcissism .
Of Course there is always always a space left in my mind for further information to come in and contradict it, but I really doubt I will see that happen .
THE narcissist. Lol. My question is – when the shield made and understands and accepts – and you have enough infamy to feel secure to do so – will you reveal your identity to the world ?
You will have to wait and see.
Hilarious— just saw this today. Yes I finally believe you aren’t a really nice psychologist. I also believe I am not a narcissist. Progress! (I’ll quit asking if I am or if you are a really nice counselor etc.). I see the discussion of parenting in this thread re, narcissist parents. I started at one point in consultation to mention something about my deceased father and in that moment shut it down because it struck a nerve like getting punched. I simply shifted gears. I don’t like unpleasant emotion. You mention in this thread how capable they are of being good parents essentially and while there are deficits there is quite a spectrum. This really creates a deficit for people including me! My dad provided for me very well—it created a lot of confusion for me until finding your work. My viewing lens is not the same.
Yes Lorelei pay attention! 🤣
I’ve been assigned a goofy yellow face with glasses, which is fine with me lol but kinda creepy since I did just put my glasses on to read. HG is all-knowing lol
Indeed I am.
He’s simply amazing Kelly. 😘
HG is a bit (or more) arrogant. But yes he is for sure effective. I had a voice consultation. Would truly recommend.
At times I have teased HG about being pompous ( arrogant), for me he can be as arrogant as he wants as long as he is correct, that is something he always is, correct. I am happy you had a consultation with him and that you benefited from it, he has helped me tremendously over the last four years through consultations. Recommending consultations with him is something I do religiously. Take care. 🌻
Oops forgot to sub *
“One has to do something to engender love….approval”
And there it is. The early childhood attachment trauma connection. Children should learn from birth that they don’t have to DO anything, they just have to BE, and they will be loved and receive approval. If that is not learned at the earliest time of life, it is nearly impossible (in my opinion) to learn it later.
B. I do say that as an adult, HG Tudor is correct. The damage as a child was done, but it does not mean he is disadvantaged by understanding that love is earned as an adult. He is correct now, and that does not mitigate in the least, what happened in childhood at all. That was not good for him. Both cases are correct: One should have received that engendered approval as a young child, and, one is correct in saying love has to be earned as an adult. I have no idea regarding his thoughts on the matter, but a child would be quite pleased to have HG Tudor as his or her father or patron, or step father. And woe to the person that would try to harm the child under his protection.
Hi Princess. I appreciate this perspective. However,
Narcissists are terrible parents.
PSE, why do you feel a child would be quite pleased with HG as their parent? No disrespect HG, just curious about PSE’s reasoning. He’s still a narcissist. That alone can be damaging to the child.
No disrespect taken.
You’re not alone. I questioned that also.
HG will be an amazing father! I read that a father’s job is to protect and a mother’s job is to love!
Maybe HG will love his child. HG you are a human being!!
Who wouldn’t want HG as their father?
Narcissists are terrible parents. The child is always only an extension of the parent, without an identity of his or her own. Or in HG’s nomenclature an appliance that provides fuel.
While he is charming and smart here on his blog, there is no reason to think he’d be an exception to that plain fact.
What say you HG?
Some narcissist beat and starve their children. Some fail to provide learning and an education. Some fail to stimulate their children. Some do not provide emotional support. Some push the children to excel in education, sport, arts. Some narcissists defend their children come what may. Some narcissists interfere in the decisions their child makes. Some narcissists sexually abuse their children. Some narcissists ensure their children are clothed, fed, warm and protected. Some narcissists are very strict in terms of discipline. Some narcissists allow the children to do what they want.
There are some narcissists who are terrible parents, others are very good in certain areas and deficient in others.
I’m specifically talking about HG the King, not Narcs in general as parents. HG is a very respectable person.
I have one question though. Don’t you get bored. Like Don’t you get fucking bored. It is not that I have never played this game myself, it is just that once I get to the top and acquire everything(one?) needed, I just want to fling myself off a cliff, it becomes so sensless to keep living. V.
I do get bored but then I move on so the feeling is fleeting.
You must only get bored for a moment? I can’t imagine this would last long? Seems to your readers you are always on the move. I appreciate your interaction.
H.G. you can be my childs father. He would be the brightest kid on earth. He could run the world with a father like H.G. to impart knowledge into him from a distance. ♥️
This is a great article that brings up so many fundamental questions about human interaction.
Your observations are correct. Attachment will eventually lead to misery. I spent all of my 20s disappointed by the fact that it seems every attachment in my life will end with gradual acceptance in my 30s onward. Such is the cycle of life, the only thing we can really count on is change.
My personal belief is that attachment starts at our early stages in life. Babies develop attachment bonds with thier caregivers. I do not study psychology and don’t know all the terms but that is inevitably where it begins.
My mother would probably be the most important attachment in my life. I grew up in a safe environment where I was always loved and supported. Her and I have had hurrendous arguments, and literally nothing could ever break our bond. It will exist until death takes one of us away. And tbh I think it will exist even after that. I would much rather have experinced a true genuine bond with someone like I do with my mother. Then not experince it at all.
I have learned over the years to compartmentalize my attachments. So for example…
Work, I don’t form attachments anymore the way I used too. Or I at least lower my expectations from them.
Friends. I recongize the ones that are genuine and the ones that are superficial.
Just because the end result may be painful it doesn’t mean the bond created at that time is meaningless. We learn to manage our emotions and deal with loss as well as adjust expectations through these bonds. Which is not a bad thing. It matures a person and doesn’t keep us stuck thinking everything always has to work out. That’s how I see it.
I also have a question regarding This one:
Can Non narc people also be incapable of forming attachments?
I have to love the one word responses. Genius. 😛 Saving energy.
Hi empath007…ty for your post i agree and found it helpful.
I have a question and if its personal no problem. Were you in a relationship with a narcissist? I ask bc you had a strong healthy bond with your mother yet youre on this blog. I find most that are involved or were involved with a narc didnt have a close bond with their parents but i do realise theres all kinds on scenerios as to why were here. Im just curious if you were in a relationship with a narcissist thx
Hi ! Yes I was in a relationship with a narc. My parents were not narcissits but my father was an alcoholic and my mom a co dependant… so I learnt a lot of my co dependant tendency’s from her.
With that said she was a great mom. We have a wonderful freinship and bond. And the majority of relationships in my life are very healthy ones.
I should also add, I have a very forgiving personality. My parents are human and the mistakes they made don’t bother me as an adult. I understand life was hard for them and they simply did thier best.
But I was also unconditionally loved (by my mom) and she is a safe space for
Me and very intelligent as well.
With attachment does come pain, but for me, it also brings along inspiration, strength, joy, and purpose. There is something much greater in living for those in whom we are attached, than simply living for ourselves. Sometimes excessive pain builds great character, and that character allows us to truly flourish and be all that we are meant to be.
Sounds like you have perfectly articulated the result of early childhood attachment trauma.
I also have this video on high rotation on my HG Tudor YouTube playlist.
This article is fascinating, and complements perfectly the article ‘Tell Tale’.
Now what’s happened to my gravatar?
Pink Pacman with blank N-eyes and teeth!
Caroline R, “N eyes” 😂 Maybe HG will keep ticking the boxes until he brings the boxy different colored “dresses” back.
For what it’s worth, I liked the monsters more. Just like a woman. Move that picture over there please, dear. No, it doesn’t look good there. Can you move it back please?
HG is having some fun with the avatars. 😈
Based on what I’ve learned, this post makes sense to me regarding the narcissist. That being said, I feel fortunate to be able to feel and connect. Sure there are disappointments and loss that can leave those feeling sad, afraid, bewildered, depressed and anxious. It also means I can feel love, joy, appreciation, happiness, wonder, peace. The lesson for me here is to keep the painful experiences (that I can control) to a minimum. It’s about having boundaries to keep the bad out of my life as soon as it becomes apparent. I can’t always control whether the house burns down, or someone crashes into my car but I most certainly can decide who is or is not in my life. I’ve also learned not to get too attached to material things. They will come and go and I appreciate that I had them in my life while I did.