Perchance To Sleep

PERCHANCETO SLEEP.jpg

When I am first with you, I like to sit and look at you as you sleep. I like to see you lying there content, your arm draped across me as if checking that I am still there next to you. Your eyes are closed and your face is in a relaxed repose as I feel your chest gently rising against me. You look content, safe and loved. I wonder what you are dreaming about as a small smile plays about your lips. I often believe that it is me. The wonderful, incessant and perfect love that I furnish for you throughout your waking hours must surely continue when you are asleep. It must bleed into your sleep, percolate into your dreams and such is its all-pervasive power it makes you feel loved even when you are asleep. It is during these moments that I consider how I can continue to give you this perfect love that you rightly deserve. I can see what a good and decent person that you are. I feel the admiring love that you pour over me and I know it is genuine, I can tell a fraud at a hundred paces and you are no such thing. It is entirely understandable that you flow with this love for me, who would not when faced with being the object of my perfect love? I look down at you, your delicate features framed in the low lamp light that I have kept on in the bedroom solely for this purpose. You seem so fragile and vulnerable as you lie there, unaware that I am watching over you. I want to protect you; I want to shield you from the darkness that is out there and keep you safe. You deserve nothing less because you give me such a wonderful love in return and I must protect you. I must ensure that my investment remains cherished and loved. It is during these moments as I sit and look at you that I know I must truly love you. How can I not when I feel such a sense of responsibility over your well-being. Look at you; still, perfect and oblivious. Who could not fail to love someone like you? Who could not fail to have such a care for your well-being? Who could ever cause that beautiful face to frown and crease in bewildered pain? Who could cause a solitary tear to trickle from your eyes and spill down those flawless cheeks? I cannot bear to think about you being hurt, feeling sad and in pain. I feel a deep-seated desire to look after you, to keep the darkness from your door and ensure that you are always only ever happy and loved. This sense of being your guardian is strong. I feel anger at the thought of anybody lashing out and wounding you, someone causing this perfect creature to feel anguish, pain and concern. I lay a hand on your shoulder and you shift slightly in your sleep acknowledging this gentle gesture of protection. You face nudges against me as if you know what I am thinking and you feel safe and wanted.

Yet for all these thoughts I know that this is purely the way I am expected to think about you. This is how I should act in order to maintain the façade of our relationship so that you continue to give me what I want. I sit and wrestle with these thoughts. Are they genuine? Are they what I truly feel about you yet I know I do not. I know that the apparent abhorrence that I manufacture at the thought of you being hurt is purely an artifice because it will be me that eventually causes your hurt. It will be me that will twist that beautiful smile into a gash of despair. It will be me that makes that light voice become wracked with anxiety and pain. It will be my words that wound and my actions that scar. For all the tenderness that I apparently exhibit as I sit here now looking over you, I know, as sure as the world keeps turning and that the sun rises in the east, that I will be the one that will bring you to your knees. I will have you feeling exhausted, crazed and desperate and as I sit and recognise that I am the architect of your downfall I feel nothing. I feel no guilt, no despair or remorse because those things have been stripped from me. I was never made to experience those sensations and that is why I know I will do as I do to you, as I have to all the others before me and I will only feel one thing; power. That raw and visceral power which I must have. I am blessed with sufficient insight and intellect to know that what I do is wrong. I can see the tears in your eyes, hear your begging and see your hunched broken frame which tells me that you are hurting and I caused this. Yet for all of this understanding I am unwilling and unable to do anything about it because I am not forged with the desire or the tools to do so. This is what I am and better you remain asleep, oblivious to what is really looking down on you.

13 thoughts on “Perchance To Sleep

  1. CatalinaRoses says:

    Ah, ha ha ha ha!!!! You have to give NoFuC.

  2. empath007 says:

    You guys are weirdly protective of your victims though. Mine usually defended his ex’s (it was somewhat triangulation) but it was mostly protective. One of his ex’s was also a narc so I really cut her down… and his face when I did… it was nothing but angry on her behalf.

    1. MB says:

      Empath007, my understanding of this behavior is that your attack on an appliance (painted white of course) is viewed as an attack on the narcissist. Remember that the appliance is subsumed by the narcissist and is a part of them. In addition, this person was chosen by them and an attack on this person is a criticism of their choice. So from the narcissistic world view, it’s not “weirdly protective” at all.

      HG will correct me if I’m not accurate here.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Empath007
      Do you think the anger might have been less protective of her and more insult to him? Her being his choice and an extension of him? You questioning his choices? It’s all about them in the end. Just a thought.

      1. empath007 says:

        Could be ! I found the behaviour extremly odd. His whole face would be lit with anger, I could tell he was holding back some serious fury (he was a UMR/LG) so he controlled his lashing out… but when I would say something blatant and rude about her it most definitely offended him. At the time I thought it was because he was still “in love” with her. Now I think it’s maybe because insulting her behaviours was like insulting him directly as she was also a narc.

        I may never know. But he definitely would not tolerate me bad mouthing her.

  3. kaydiva3 says:

    Creepy. My ex once told me that his most cherished moment with me was when I fell asleep in his arms. Not long after that he discarded me like trash and smirked at me while I cried.

  4. Francesca says:

    Hi H.G, What do you think about Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho? Is it an accurate representation of psychopathy or not?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is an entertaining book and it is largely accurate bearing in mind that it is written to entertain as opposed to be wholly realistic.

      1. Francesca says:

        Thank you!

  5. deniseisdone says:

    Good morning HG. Really enjoyed this article until the truth came out…yes they will be the exact one to hurt us sadly enough.
    Have a wonderful day!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  6. WokeAF says:

    HG, I can’t find the article on the middle Lesser’s fuel matrix
    Or I would’ve dropped this comment there. I’d like to just put out a request for some information on the victim narcissist. And specifically narcissists that do not have the sadistic or malicious streak

    The kids dad would be at ML, very little control on his fury. But he doesn’t have the sadistic or the malicious streak, therefore it can be difficult to define but he doesn’t experience empathy .

    I know other victim narcissists that do not have the sadistic or malicious streak and this is confusing for their partners to be able to identify them as narcissists. I get asked the same thing I wondered about- “ do they not feel empathy for young children or animals? “ because it does appear that they do and without the maliciousness or the sadistic side it’s hard to differentiate sometimes
    Thanks .

  7. MB says:

    This one breaks my heart every time.

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