Just The One Time
Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.
Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always
“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for work because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you. Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)
You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.
What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the one time.
21 thoughts on “Just The One Time”
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I was discarded by a friend 6 weeks ago, I cry almost every morning when I wake, Ive tried so hard not to contact her but haven’t managed 1 week yet, I’m just a shell of who I used to be, I still don’t understand what ive done, I’m so hoping the hurt is over soon one way or another, Ive just started reading this site though understanding things hurts more at the moment.
Read and consult and the pain will go
truth*^
Hello Sean, I understand what you are going through and I am so sorry you are in such pain. There is nothing you could have done or could do to change this person or your relationship. If your friend is a narcissist, nothing would ever improve. So take heart in knowing you gave real, loving friendship and you will do so again. You have many new friends here on narcsite who have been through similar or worse. Keep reading and you will find so many valuable answers. If you have any questions ask them and you’ll get many answers, but if you want the best answers from the expert, contact HG for a private consult. It will be your best investment. The clarity he provides really helps heal wounds and enables you to move forward. Take care. Sending hugs and best wishes.
I’m sorry Sean. Reading this site you will find YOU didn’t do anything, with a narcissits the results are always the same. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you feel better soon.
So true (and sweet), all the comments to Sean…and if you feel a deep bond/trust with a friend and they treat you that way, it can be every bit as painful as any romantic relationship that lets you down. In many ways, we expect those we choose to be friends with to be our safe havens in life — they’re supposed to have our back.
As hard as it is, going through this will likely help you see some red flags in others, Sean, which helps shield you from the users in this world. It will steer you more toward the authentic, who take much more care not to hurt you — and if they do, have a heart to want to mend problem areas.
sean,
i am sorry. don’t overload yourself. read everything. i know it is painful , i still get dizzy when i read some of articles but you will feel better day by day
this could have been a sad post for me. it’s been 4 months. i am fine now.
it doesn’t matter now that he has blocked me from everywhere because when i want to call him i receive the message from my inner voice : “the narcissist you have called cannot be reached at the moment, please don’t try later. never ever. “
I like that internal message, ceycey!
I’m glad you are at the point that this wasn’t a sad post. I hope you keep it up!
Getting There
Thank you for your supportive words, they made me happy.
i’ve got “one way ticket” to my own way. all flights to his direction have been cancelled
yes he knows all my weaknesses, yes i begged him so much before but he doesn’t know when i am done-i am done.
And he doesn’t need to know, ceycey. He doesn’t need to know another thing about you. Your withholding of any further information is your power and is within your power.
lisk
thank you and yes, you are so right. i thought the same thing after sending comment.
I agree, lisk! It is great that he doesn’t know everything; you have the Ace card that will help you. We can grow from our weaknesses that they know; it’s what they don’t know that will help the forward movement. I remember the begging. Afterwards I kicked myself for it. I don’t kick myself anymore for begging in the past. It was my willingness to fight for what I believed was meant to be. Now I fight for what is meant to be.
I like your flight idea in regards to him! No need for the turbulence (although it can be fun) or the crash landing. This analogy is going to be fun to think about. Thank you!
I’m glad you are here, sharing, and healing!
ceycey,
I love your inner recorded voice~nifty. 🙂 It helped me come up with my own, for when the hoovering narcissist calls in (with a blocked #) through my workplace. Instead of feeling anxiety over it, I’m just going to hang up & think:”The Empath you’re trying to reach is not in service at this (or any) time. Please check your number and never call again.”
Now when it happens, I can smile & feel a bit empowered. Thank you!
[I’m also of the “When I’m done, I’m done” type. It can be the smallest tipping point too. Narcissists don’t usually see that coming. Yes, we really can be ever-so patient/long-suffering beyond measure for a pretty long time… and then — BOOM — we’ve had enough weird crap & 100% are not up for anymore, bye! I believe that’s intuitive self-preservation that fiercely kicks in, and it’s pretty helpful].
Caroline
Thank you and i am glad to hear that you can smile.
I realized that I took everything about him very serious. what he said, what he did, what what…so bored of everything about him. i was happy, funny, full of life before him. and i decided to enjoy. the effort to understand is more difficult than to live it for me. now it is time for smile.
of course i met same abusive, liar, manipulative person but i have to say that my story is little different. i am not a wife, not a mother. i fought with him. i made him crazy. i injured but i think he was too (on his way)
The Narc Society can give me “the worst supply award”
so I don’t mean to disrespect anyone for joking about hard situations . it wasn’t easy for me either.
we have different stories but i think smiling is best armor
ceycey,
The Worst Supply Award”… there has to be some great prize for that. Wait, there is…
You got outta there quicker.;-)
#Winning
P.S. As an IPPS, I challenged mine too, a lot. The problem is, he likes that/it “works” for the type he is. There’s just no winning with these narcissists, no matter what type they are or what type of person you are — there’s only getting OUT.
I totally agree with the “when I’m done I’m done” thing. And yes… it does shock narcissits. Once you betray my trust similar to a narc I will paint you black… and I dont take people off that list when they are on it. It doesn’t Happen to many as I have a forgiving nature, but, I’ve gotten rid of about 4 or 5 people in my life… and it hurt… but was so worth it.
I understand exactly what you mean. It’s the healthy thing to do. Good for you, empath007. 🙂
4 years already, and that’s just the way you say 100%
Jeff Bezos girlfriend looks like a nutball narcissist. Are they both narcissists?
Obviously.