Poll : After disengagement by the narcissist, which of these comments resonate with you?
When the narcissist (or narcissists if it happened with more than one person) disengaged from you, what were you left thinking?
Were you caught up in bewildering questions of hurt and betrayal, utterly at a loss as to what has happened?
Were you desperate for recognition of the misery that you were experiencing?
Perhaps you wanted to lash out and attack the narcissist in some way or were you worrying that the person who had taken your place was going to succeed where you had so evidently failed?
What were the dominant thoughts which governed (or perhaps still govern) your thinking following your disengagement? You can choose as many as are applicable and do so before pressing vote. Do add you further observations and thoughts in the comment section.
Thank you for participating.
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He just text me the other day and said he was happy with his life and where he’s at right now and who he’s with. That was the first time he admitted he was with someone else. I had my suspicions, but to tell me via text was devastating. I called him the next morning to just get some info on how long this has been going on and he hung up on me. Then he texts me later and says he love me with all his heart and always will and he’s sorry it worked out this way. And then sent me a song to listen to and listen to the words. And then said goodbye. I changed my # after that as I just couldn’t take a chance that he would call or text. I don’t think he will and I don’t think I’ll ever be hoovered. I think he’s truly done with me. Our divorce hearing is 8/16 but it’s uncontested and he signed all the papers and had them notarized back in March.
Welcome Justine,
1. Well done on changing on your number.
2. There is always a risk he will hoover you.
3. Whether he will depends on when there is a Hoover Trigger (and there will be one) and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria will be met.
You can reduce this risk through total no contact. You have made a start. The fact he has a new IPPS means he is highly unlikely to hoover in the near future so you should use this to gain a head start on your no contact regime and lowering your emotional thinking because when the new IPPS enters devaluation (and she will) your risk of being hoovered increases. If you would like assistance with understanding this further do arrange to consult with me and I will help you.
Hi HG- It seems a bit ironic to say this, but thank you for your work. You are so fucking direct it slays me a bit sometimes, but it’s given me a ton of fuel (haha) , for thought, which is awesome. I am about a year out from 7 5 years of Narc abuse. After being lied to, manipulated and gaslit incessantly, it’s great to have a narcissist actually be honest! Now, of course I have to at least entertain possibility that everything you say is total bullshit(otherwise I would have learned nothing, right?), but so far it’s been working out. Thank you.
I’m rather interested in brains and semantics…Im wondering, did you intentionally chose the word “thinking” , in your first question, as opposed to “feeling”? I’m wondering what difference it would make in the answers you get, especially from women, who GENERALLY SPEAKING, perhaps tend to use language about how they “felt” more than what they thought. Any thoughts? I’m curious about whether or not switching words would give us/you access to more information.
I just find it interesting. In all honesty, I wasn’t doing my best thinking post disengagement because I was running on emotion and feeling that really impaired my thinking, which was/is, rather transient, at least historically when it comes to that guy.
Spleen vented! Hope you get some super useful information from your poll:)
Be well,
Leah
I operate mainly through thinking (I have cognitive empathy) rather than feeling (I have no emotional empathy).
HG 🙌 I think you have emotional empathy
Your emotional thinking has got in the way my dear Whitney.
You are wonderful
Indeed I am (sometimes).
Not today!
None of these comments resonate with me because he didn’t disengage me. But I like to read what others posted. He wanted to resume our relationship (aka take me out of the shelf) after the summer break, and I thwarted his plan by going NC. But I guess in the non-linear time universe of narcissists when he said “September” he could have meant any September as he is trying to hoover me a lot lately…
I dk what to do after months of being dismissed; having things I love taken from me and being asked to change one thing after another while he changes nothing.
My desperation to be loved & accepted is my downfall. Need to find a way to do this for myself.
I’m working at changing my sense of self. Counseling, paying attention to my needs, I’m sick of attracting every narcissist, pedophile, alcoholic, drug addict, emotionally devoid human being and thinking they have a propensity to feel. That if somehow I can fix them, I can fix me.
Revenge …little ways of picking their ass is my way of saying fuck you…I don’t care anymore.
My greatest struggle at that point is to allow myself to feel the rage, the betrayal, the fear, the sadness, the disappointment, my inner sense of failure and stupidity, the depression and not put myself in a position where hurting them causes me to get into trouble. I have some wicked thoughts and they could even be followed through on …but these assholes are not worth going to jail for no matter how sinister or devoid they are.
The only way for me to see that I don’t end up in another relationship with one of these (insert appropriate insult here if there is one) is to take myself out of the dating pool. I refuse to consider future relationships.
I prefer no colour to beige.
There were a few disengagement’s that I tried to go no contact. But the confusion of “could he really love me?” Played time and time again.
Our last (and I pray to god FINAL disengagement) I honestly felt nothing but total relief. I was so happy he had “gotten rid of me” I didn’t give a shit what anyone what… because I knew what he was. I lost friends because of it. And I don’t care. Anyone who sided with him was useless in my books.
I think he is perplexed about that. As he thinks he is so great that I would never get over it.
It takes me a long time but I will fully get over it. I have before and I can do it again. And when I feel totally done with it…. it will never be an issue again.
Hi. I have a quick question. Close to the end while we were both disengaging he came home and sat me down to watch a documentary about NPD – he even stated several times during that he is like that. Why would he do that? I can’t figure this one out. Would be thankful to have your insight.
I need more information to make an accurate assessment and to provide you with clarity.
Thank you for getting back to me. He told me he wanted to spend time with the kids during Christmas only to call me while on his way to mental institution after a “breakdown”. Was there for him; followed by love bombing like never before. Couple of months later domestic abuse, not coming home, devaluation, informed me another is pregnant from since he vanished (he did state “something that will break us up); stood by him. At some point I told him straight I saw this behaviour before, know what this is – he must stop the bullshit. Deadline – we have to vacate home, stonewalling, disengagement. I sort of stopped waiting for him to show up, worrying where he is, I started accepting that things will come to an end, despite still wanted us to sort things out. We were looking for flats to rent; one week before I said “enough” he came home and we watched a documentary. I hope this helps as this is still one thing I can’t wrap my head around.
It is my understanding that he had other plans and sources set in place, but why push for me to be the one who pulls the plug when a simple argument and vanishing would have done the trick? To torment me more with the decision-making process?! Despite knowing what I know I wonder was that an act of compassion, making sure I never look back?! If there is anything else you need, please feel free to ask.
1. He must exert control over you, if he is a narcissist then his narcissism dictates that this is the way to exert control over you.
2. It will allow him to maintain a facade.
3. He can use it to blame shift – you ended the relationship – and to Pity Play.
4. He continues to gain fuel.
There are indicators that this is individual is a narcissist since there is black and white thinking, idealisation, devaluation, contrary behaviour. I advocate you organise a narc detector consultation to receive confirmation or not, from that point, if he is a narcissist I can advise you on the steps you need to take to deal with this individual.
Thank you HG. I went No contact a year ago. I only get triggered when I read your work, see him or I can deeply relate to something on Twitter.
Well, documentary helped no matter his intentions.
I recommend you apply logic to reduce the occasions whereby you see him – any physical interaction with the narcissist (seeing across the street, talking to in person etc) is dangerous.
C Tudor,
It means that he spends too much time on Quora.
He disengaged…came back (when it failed with his so called ‘evil’ ex who came back to him) . I let him stay for ‘2 weeks’ then I ghosted him back lol. Blocked him on phone but social media I fawn over a mutual friend… liking his photos, leaving comments on ‘how smart’ he is, etc etc. It’s immature but it’s the narc’s parlance! And it gives me delight to imagine him seeing it and seething. He knew I was attracted to his friend and I used to deny it. Now he knows he was right! I only post public memes that directly insult him and his lack of self reliance, etc. So answering the question: my desire is revenge/to rip off his little mask. Expose the little man hiding behind the curtain # Oz
Understandable, but you are falling prey to emotional thinking. See The Devil´s Pitchfork to begin with.
The narc May be intelligent enough to know she’s trying to piss him off and therefore get fuelled by this , ?
crackerjacks
LOL, this is actually something I would likely do if given the chance. However, I’d probably do it sparingly based on what WAF mentions below – the narc’s intelligence/ability to catch on to the game.
This survey doesnt pertain to me as ive always disengaged from him after being in a cycle of devalument. I am curious to read others thoughts. It is a fear of mine him disengaging but in a round about way shelving is a form of that. Its difficult either way but when youre dumped it really hurts and you feel the ultimate rejection and abandonment. A really awful place to be 🙁
-what did I do wrong
-why is he with her and not me
-I just want him back
After a few months of everything going awesome he went with his prime candidate. It was a contrary decision to other things he’d said about her and himself. I was broken hearted .
It was only a week while she visited but it sucked ass.
When she moved here there was another disengagement, but I’d taken up with my LL narcoholic at the time (yes I’ve identified him as LL not LMR – Jesus Christ, what a winner) —so I barely noticed. I still wondered the same questions as above though.
We were “friends” before becoming romantically involved, and I knew our affair would be short lived based on me being married, and him being so handsome and charming and with no shortage of opportunities. But I really believed we could remain “friends” after. I had imaginary conversations in my head where one day he’d tell me he was serious about someone he wanted to date – and that it was over between us. Me, being the reasonable person I am, would accept and support him in his pursuit of a real relationship. No hard feelings, and I would remain the female confidante I believed myself to have been to him.
Flash forward to reality, to where such decency does not exist, I never was given this consideration in any conversation. Thus,
-I needed to know why it was over – I would ask but was treated like I was crazy, was told “nothing’s changed,” when everything clearly had
-I needed to know what went wrong – Why did he change overnight?
-What did I do wrong? Was it the way I looked on our last date? Was he able to see all my flaws up close?
-Why won’t he speak to me about it? I assumed blame (for being married), I told him I understood he deserved someone who could give him all their time without sneaking around, I tried to get him to close it out. He simply would not, and would divert the conversation back to some benign, random insignificant small talk. OR, leave the conversation entirely.
-I needed him to know how hurt I was – I needed him to understand that what we shared REALLY MEANT something to me, and how much it hurt me that he could leave me this way. I was not some stranger off the street, we’d known each other most of our lives. How could he be this cruel?
The last point was the hardest for me and took the longest to resolve. There were a few times (after things ended) where I would gently share that with him, how he’d broken my heart. He would laugh it off. I finally understand that he just did not care, it didn’t matter at all, and explaining myself was a complete waste of my time and emotional energy.
I just wish the narcissist would leave me alone.
I broke NC and got somewhat entangled again, for five Sorry months- even though I already knew he was a narcissist, but letting my ET get the best of me. So I was just plain stupid.
Three days after I stopped answering his calls, I received an email from one of his harem members (the very same person he promoted to IPPS when I escaped two years ago). He discarded her when he desperately tried to get me back – and almost succeeded to some degree. She informed me of what I already suspected, that he was triangulating us in between the sheets, again. I could not care less AS I already had gotten away from him. I knew how he is and how he rolls, and that the only problem is that I gave him another chance to prove it all to me. I also knew that he would have loved it if I had gotten all jealous and hysterical, so instead I just informed her that he was not with me and that I did not want him at all. So he got no reaction from me on this little drama he most certainly was behind and had set up – hoping for a catfight. She actually contacted me out of jealousy and thought that she would be able to make me jealous. (She is a disturbed young woman probably a narc herself).
I truly am so done now. And my «fascination» regarding finding out about narcissism and thinking that I could somehow manage contact since I had this knowledge, is totally gone. And I am never going back.
He called me 24 times in one hour last night…. I did not answer, of course. I actually found it somewhat amusing, so predictable. I think he has been with his IPPS this weekend, so he wanted some of me on sunday night. Haha! It has been a week since last time I spoke with him. This time I am not informing him about it, that I do not want anything to do with him. I will block his number, of course. But at the moment I kind of enjoy it. Feels like I have the upper hand. And I truly see him for the sorry ass looser that he is. Not even in my league. Cannot believe what I ever saw in him.
Thinking back.. (it will be 2 years no contact in October, fully no contact (No fb looking) since January this year) I just wanted to know why? Why all the crazy behaviour? Why did he have to hurt me the way he did? I fell pregnant and he was furious saying he would cut the baby out of me but was happy he could make someone pregnant – sick fuck! I had a termination just before I escaped with my mum by my side. I’m pro-life and he was that crazy I knew I could have no ties to him, nothing. It had to end and at that point I decided however hard it was to do – I must have the termination. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and my two adult boys were by my side.
I found HG, knew from his work I would never get any answers, so I never bothered to dwell and looked forwards.
Yes I wanted revenge!!! But revenge in the sense i’d show him that I could flourish, grow and be happy after him. I am, I went solo travelling last year, going again this year, so fuck him. Not my problem anymore.
PV,
Just wanted to say I am really sorry for you having to go through that trauma.
I think abortion is one of the worst things for a woman to go through, and even more so for you, since it also contradicts your belief system.
I can’t really imagine how it must have felt, and how it probably still feels even now…
I wish you strength and to find peace (maybe you already did).
Thank you Abe for your kind words.
It changed my life. I will always carry the guilt with me.
As a family, we got through it. My boys aged 24 and 18 have been my saving grace.
I have found peace with regards to knowing I made the right decision for me and my sanity at the time.
He is not in my life, and he would have been. My freedom from him came at a very high cost.
I decided after this time in my life, to learn, travel, and help others I come across.
Utter desperation. I just wanted him back. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I was sorry. I would do anything. I couldn’t be alive. I needed him so badly.
These disengagements lasted mostly 1 week sometimes a little longer. Normally happened after I worked up the courage to question his abuse.
The LMR Somatic.
Quote of the Day: [`But when I first found out he was a narcissist, a year before, I did tell other women about it. They were delighted to hear anything about him good or bad and it didn’t dim their obsessions with him.`] ~~Nadege
PSE, you quoted my comment, thank you for doing so.
Quote of the Day: [`But when I first found out he was a narcissist, a year before, I did tell other women about it. They were delighted to hear anything about him good or bad and it didn’t dim their obsessions with him`] ~~~kel2day* correction.
PSE, I’ve always said don’t tell the other women. It just gives the other women the attention. Now they can talk about how crazy we are with the narcissist.
I hope he rots in Hell, is the box I’d tick..
The first day after disengagement, all I did was giggle. It was pure disbelief. I just could not stop giggling and pinching myself: ‘This must be a joke, did this really happen?!’ The next day, I was confused, and the day after that, I became angry. My reactions made me think of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the psychiatrist who wrote about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Right now, I am entering the stage of acceptance. It took me about four months.
The narcissist has been in my life for five years. We liked each other, or so I thought. There was a strong and undeniable attraction. And a lot of confusion, gas-lighting, manipulation. His obsession with me was contagious: I became just as obsessed with him. After four years, I realised that he was… dangerous. Not narcissistic, because I had not yet stumbled upon that magic word. But dangerous (and crazy) was bad enough, so I ended our ‘bond’ by staying away from him. I was very relieved that I, as a married woman, had not fallen into the final trap: a secret affair. So far, so good.
Last winter, he began stalking me. He followed me in his car during my evening walks. At first, I thought I was imagining things. Why would a popular, confident man do that? (Why would any man do that?) He could have every woman he wanted, he just could not have me. Not anymore. After four months and a consultation with my doctor (“Am I losing my mind?”), I realised that I was not crazy or paranoid. It was true: he did stalk me almost every evening.
But I was in for a big surprise. While the stalking continued and even reached a peak, I was told that he had become a father. Apparently, he had a girlfriend. Apparently, the girlfriend had been sitting at home, heavily pregnant, while he was following me in his car. I started doubting myself again: was I going crazy anyway? Why would a man who was expecting a child with his girlfriend spend all his time and energy on another woman? And what about the logistics? He also had a job.
I suppose the birth of his child was his way of disengaging from me. It was a punishment. He had been planning the whole thing: he fed my obsession (and my fear, my confusion) by stalking me on a daily basis, and the birth of the baby was the final blow. It simply did not make sense: stalking me must have been a fulltime job for him, because he would be waiting for me in the early morning… he would be following me around in the night… he would track me down everywhere… and on top to that, he would change cars and outfits, just to leave no proof at all. Where did the baby fit in? The girlfriend?
After the birth, he made quite a point of his happiness. He sent me photo’s of the baby, and he wrote that he was totally in love with the child. This man could not be a stalker, could he now? This man was an innocent, happy new father! Well, I could not be fooled anymore. I kept my distances and did not give him any fuel (no emotions). I congratulated him neutrally and left it at that.
This was not what he had hoped for. I should have fallen apart, I suppose, and my husband should have had me locked away in a mental hospital. But no such thing. I kept my cool.
The day after the baby was born, the stalking continued. And it still does. What about the girlfriend, the diapers, the broken nights, the young family life? I will never know. Still, I have been wondering: does this baby even exist? And if so, did he conceive the poor child only to punish me? I know this sounds absurd, but there is one important lesson that I have learned from dealing with a narcissist: never underestimate your instincts, even if they seem absurd. (The narcissist has several children with several women; he has left all of them – women and children – and it seems that a pregnancy is one of his ensnarement-tactics).
I am entering the stage of acceptance. Nothing makes sense, but that is the whole point, is it not? The narcissist has created a story that involves a lot of people – himself, his girlfriend, their baby and me – and a lot of contradictory and inexplicable storylines, but all I have to do, is step away from it. I am not involved. I do not know these people. I do not want to know them. It is their pathetic, messy life. More than ever, I realise how lucky I am to live a normal, steady, harmonious life, surrounded by normal, intelligent and caring people. Because of that, I am convinced that I will be strong enough to overcome this stalker-nightmare.
Nadege: I am surprised that you asked: Why would a man who was expecting a child with his girlfriend spend all his time and energy on another woman? Nadege, when their woman is with child, is the timeframe when many men are most susceptible to want a diversion, etc.
PrincessSuperEmpath, you are right, of course. It is just that stalking is a very time-consuming and fruitless diversion, because there is no real interaction and no reward – he has to wait for hours and hours, and if – only if – I emerge, there is no reaction. I would hardly call it a diversion. But reading HG’s blog has made me realise that he was more than happy to go through all the trouble as long as he could intimidate and gaslight me. Better than sex. I suppose.
Nadege. Diversion: I was being too opage or something. Diversion meaning: looking to have sexual congress with another woman especially while a wife is somewhat incapacitated when pregnant. I was surprised that you were surprised by this regarding men. Stalking is also control. Seeing is believing. A picture is worth a thousand words. Men have time for what they want to do, and no time for what they do not want to do. He wanted to stalk you, for his own reasons. They find time when they want to. That goes for women as well. Some women stalk and follow a man and his social media day and night non stop. The women say they do, and I believe them. They make time to do this.
Or the pregnancy means she’s well and truly under his control for the moment so he is free to seek fuel elsewhere/her fuel appears stale bc he’s got what he wants- control?
Nadège
I am really glad you did not fall into the final trap of a secret affair. This narc does sound dangerous – the stalking, the updates, even after a new baby arrives. I can only imagine what he’d have done to your marriage.
I agree that he fully expected you to give in, and to fall apart over him. Hopefully it burned his ass knowing you did not. Stay disengaged, disinterested. You are definitely strong enough!
Hg would it be a decent theory that he impregnated his gf bc that’s what he had to do to maintain control of her?
And That day 1 of his child’s life he was well fuelled so he gave the stalking a one day break?
The first sentence is accurate.
I do not have enough information with regard to your second sentence.
Nadege,
I went through the same exact scenario with my daughters father, except I was the baby momma. You are probably not the only one he cheated on her with. Run as far away as you can. These predators get worse as they age.
Nadege…. thank you so, so much for telling your story. My ex used his children to triangulate and when I fell pregnant to him he was despicable. Asked to see the proof, said what toxic, horrible parent’s we’d be. When I went for my abortion with my 78 year old Mother holding my hand (!) he simply couldn’t give a fuck.
We ended up getting back to a semi GP but I was staying with him (we were LDR) at the same time our baby would have been due, and it was emotionally really hard for me. I was 43 and knew the last chance to be a mother had left me. He couldn’t give a shit. Told me to stop mentioning it. Wow.
This guy has 4 children to 4 different women. He’s a deadbeat Dad. He won’t wear protection bc prefers au natural. He won’t entertain a vasectomy. He’s anti-abortion.
Basically he wants everything he wants but is not accountable for anything.
These freaks use pregnancy as a power play. They want to feel like they’re fecund and virile, but ultimately they’re just men who should have been sterilised at birth.
I vote: delighted
I’m not sure which one of us was angrier at the other, and I’m not sure that it was true disengagement or just a temporary one- but for me it was the last straw that broke the camels back. I disengaged him and I’m disgusted with him and have no idea what I ever saw in him. Your meme post today regarding a narc right to have unlimited likes to anyone they please is exactly the last straw for me. I could see it all playing out in front of me as his latest victim posted things I know were secretly aimed at him, agonizing angry things, quotes that you can’t change people, and then desperate posts to get him back to which he complied with his likes. I can see in fact that she knows he went into her friends pages and liked all over their posts. He didn’t want to hear from me that he’s 40 years older than this girl. He texted back, Shut up! It’s not about age or sex. It’s not to him, but it is about sex to this girl, it’s about thinking about him all the time instead of a guy her own age.
I don’t care about his victims anymore. I don’t know this girl, she works in the company. If she’s his victim, then she must have a lesson to learn about narcissism. I’m not Pinocchio’s conscience anymore.
But when I first found out he was a narcissist, a year before, I did tell other women about it. They were delighted to hear anything about him good or bad and it didn’t dim their obsessions with him.
I chose “What if it works out between the narcissist and the other person.” Since I failed to heed HG’s advice and go no contact, I left myself vulnerable to an ET surge that led me to looking at the narcissist’s social media. I went way down the rabbit hole and discovered that less than a week after she met my parents/I was shelved, she had her first date with the new appliance who became her new IPPS. Less than a year after I was shelved, they were already married and expecting a child in a couple of months.
Logic tells me she is a narcissist, GOSO, but my ET knows how much I want to be married with a family, so it skewed everything by saying look at what you missed out on, they look so happy, that’s the life you wanted, the could have been you, etc.
I know the IPPS will be devalued. I know if I had been made IPPS, I would have been devalued. I know HG’s Zero Impact will work. It’s just crazy the lengths ET will go to feed the addiction.
How long has it been, BCHG?
Hi Abe,
I’m not sure what you’re referring to in terms of how long. If you’re referring to the narcissist, I was shelved in June 2018, so everything with the narcissist moving on with the new IPPS has been in the past 14 months. If you’re referring to Zero Impact, I purchased it a couple weeks ago. I definitely recommend it. As much as I appreciate HG helping us identify and explain what the narcissists are doing, salvation lies in mastering no contact and achieving zero impact.
I hope this answers your question.
Yes, thank you BCHG.
I’ve been shelved for an almost similar duration myself.
I guess I was just curious to compare with my progress… And I know it sort of feel good to take it off your chest once in a while.
I am also curious about opinions on 0I package, so please share some whenever/if it suits you.
I wish you good luck and stay strong with your NC and 0I protocol.
Are you also a male? (I am).
Hi Abe,
Yes, I’m a male. Before Zero Impact, I candidly did not make any real progress since I was shelved because I didn’t go no contact. I deleted her number and unfollowed her on social media, but I didn’t block her and kept the addiction alive by thinking about her all the time. I thought I was making some progress and felt decent on her wedding day, but then she started following me on Instagram. I didn’t follow her or look at her profile, but I let her follow me. Then one day my ET surged, I took a look, and went right into the emotional sea. If I had been no contact and achieved zero impact, that never would have happened.
I highly recommend the Zero Impact package. I don’t want to give away the substance, but HG as always takes the subject and puts it all out there—what he means by Zero Impact, how to achieve it, and what you’re fighting against when trying to achieve Zero Impact. It helps to understand the logic behind the emotional struggles and know there is a way to stop it. I feel like I’ve been in the same pattern for years and years with different narcs so it is a relief to understand why I feel the way I do.
I am doing much better since starting getting Zero Impact. My ET was really out of control after I looked at her social media to the point where I even reached out to her and got my crumbs of comfort. it’s really about controlling that ET and Zero Impact is the way to do it.
I hope this helps and that you are doing well with your recovery! If you have any other questions about Zero Impact please let me know. I appreciate you reaching out, it helps knowing we’re not alone with this experience.
HG approves.
Thank you BCHG for taking the time to reply to my questions.
BCHG
Something that really helped me was reading memoirs of women who’d been married to narcs and sociopaths. The accounts of their lives made my stomach churn. It all started out rosey and golden and then became living nightmares. I could see my narc in each of the scenarios. I could see it playing out in many of the same ways when he was married to his exwife. That is not a life I could ever have, nor could you.
Joanne, that is an excellent idea. In my narc encounters, I always end up as a shelf IPSS, so I’m spared the full horror of devaluation. My ET uses this as an excuse to keep feeding the illusion and ignoring the reality that HG warns is the fate of every IPPS. Thank you for sharing!
When I checked, “I want to know why it is over,” I was actually thinking, “I want to know why it REALLY over.”
He told me one thing but I know it was another.
lisk
The sad thing in my case is that I would have accepted a lie from him on why it was over. Of course, my situation is very different. I just wanted closure. ANY closure.
I am more than a year out (No contact) following my escape. In my current mind setting now, none of those options are applicable to me. (Thanks to my extensive learning on the subject of narcissism – take a bow HG). I selected ‘what did I do wrong’ based on my very first thoughts when I walked away. I was trying to understand what did I do to make him treat me with such hatred.
Good to read and well done.
Thanks HG, I learned from the best.
My narc detector senses are finely tuned and I feel so empowered now. I’m alone now but I’m so loving my life. I’m happy, content and at peace with myself. Narcs don’t stand a chance with me ever again….
Yeeeeessss! Me too Madam Gee!
I was reading the list with complete indifference and actually had to shift my thinking back to that point in time which I found so crushing, hurtful and soul destroying. I had zero triggers reading those options…..
Omg…… I do believe I have finally reached the seemingly mythical point of complete and utter indifference to my entanglement with my narc.
Complete and utter freedom!
I did answer that I need him to know how much he hurt me and that I just want him back.
10 months later….. Nope, nope and a big fucking NOPE!!!
I have not been disengaged from in any of the instances. Can I answer based on how I felt once I entered devaluation or just pass on this one?
You are welcome to contribute based on the experience of devaluation.
Hi Desiree. I always love your input. I ordered Philip B. leave-in by the way. I have a notice on my mailbox. I am sure it is in the mailroom. Thanks.
Desiree: Without going into details, I learned on Narcsite, that some of the situations I should have been upset with, I was not. And what I should not have been upset with, I was. THE DYNAMIC IS FAR FROM INTUITIVE FOR ME. ALTHOUGH I am understanding it all more and more, only because HG Tudor is state of the art and ahead of his time in explaining all this. So I have learned a lot in a short time span, only because I was lucky enough to find myself able to study the NPD dynamic with: The Narcissist. The Best. As well as learn from his very intelligent and honest readers.
PSE, I’m glad to hear it! Hope you enjoy their leave-in, I ran out of that one a while ago but remember it to be really nourishing and fragrant while still being light-weight. I have their deep-conditioning treatment now, it’s everything I hoped for and people tell me it’s smells lovely, too.
I think when it comes to not reacting to certain scenarios properly, my personal issue is heightened ET. It wants you to participate in narcissistic abuse patterns and considers engaging with people that do not provide this to be weird or boring, attempting to draw you back in to the narcs in your life or go out and find new ones.
I also remember that you asked for a video of someone speaking High German and I apologize for not getting back to you on that, wordpress never alerts me to responses so I can’t find the thread anymore.
Here’s a video of the most subscribed German Youtuber, who also speaks High German. Her name is Bibi, she’s 26 and her target audience is mostly children and teenagers, but she recently had a baby and it seems like she starts to become more interesting to a new demographic through that.
While I’ve never been a fan of her because I find her to be a bit of a Taylor Swift character – ditzy and adorable on the outside, cold and calculated on the inside – there’s one video from a year ago that I quite like:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0RyzqyjQ_4
She surprised her parents with a trip to Crete, Greece on the day of their silver wedding and set up a romantic dinner for two for them at the beach, which I thought was sweet of her to do and she is a lot less cringy here than she is in many other videos.
It starts with her filming at 3am before the taxi takes them to the airport. In the hotel, she talks about her parents and how they never had the change to have a really nice wedding reception because her mother was pregnant with her at the time and ends with footage of her preparing the dinner for her parents at the beach. It ends with a conclusion with her boyfriend in bed (not like that) and the promise to eat half an onion with butter in the next video.
I recommend watching it with english subtitles for maximum comedic effect, it’s a mess.
Desiree. I listened to the High German. Thank you. Of all the accents I run into in NYC, German is usually not one of them, I see now. Thanks!