Why Does The Narcissist Seem So Odd?
It is accurate to state that we operate in three essential states. There are varying degrees within those states, differing levels of intensity which are affected by factors such as the type of narcissist that we are, what we require from you, the level of empathic individual you are as well as several others. Nevertheless, there are three basic states. The first, as you would expect, is the golden setting. We are at our most wonderful, most brilliant and most loving when in this state. This always appears during our seduction of you and we will reinstate it from time to time and often when we hoover you in order to suck you back in and keep you hanging on to us. The second is the dark setting when we instigate our devaluation of you. This dark setting allows us to deploy our various machinations against you, a variety of different manipulations as the abuse begins and we make your life particularly unpleasant. This requires effort and energy on our part and whilst we will be rewarded with fuel, a certain degree of application is required to use these manipulations against you. When we unveil our dark setting it is upsetting and confusing but often you will find some reason to explain our behaviour. It is usually the wrong reason but you will find one nevertheless as you like to understand and have a reason to explain why someone is behaving in a certain way towards you – you decide we are stressed, tired, hungover, in need of affection or perhaps you are unduly harsh on yourselves so that you, in that usual empathic manner, blame yourself for the behaviour we have meted out against you. Perhaps you did not listen when you ought to have done, perhaps you should have realised that we wanted to go out tonight, or that we would not want chicken for a second time this week.
There is a third setting and this often proves more confusing than our unpleasant dark setting. This setting might be regarded as a neutral setting, somewhere between the golden and the dark, but it is not. This setting is on the road to the dark setting and is closer to that than the golden. This particular setting is the stranger setting.
There will be times when we do not wish to apply considerable energy to our continued devaluation of you, but the devaluation must continue. It may not be as harsh, since there is no shouting, no violence, no insults and such like. It is not the golden period because we show no affection, we do not do things for you and we do not exhibit any of the charm that once flowed so readily from us. During this stranger setting we are neither wonderful nor awful but we behave like someone who doesn’t really know you and you are certainly left feeling like you are dealing with somebody else.
If you telephone us we will not dole out a silent treatment and ignore your repeated calls. We will not answer in less than a ring and speak to you with affection and enthusiasm, instead we answer and engage in a monosyllabic conversation. It is like drawing teeth. We confirm that nothing is wrong and you may think there is but we have not responded angrily or harshly. We have not accused you of anything, we have not labelled you in some way but the conversation is flat. It is as if our personality, whether golden or dark has vanished and left almost an automaton in its place. We function, we talk about our day but with little detail and certainly no enthusiasm. We ask questions of you but they are polite and perfunctory as if we are just going through the motions. There is no nastiness, no backbiting or sneering. It is difficult to process because it is not nothing, that cannot be the case because we are talking to you, but it feels like nothing.
We may call around to see you but it feels like an inspector has called around. We sit, we decline a drink that you offer us and we answer your questions without offering you anything much in return. Where has the charmer gone? Where has the monster gone? Who is this stranger that looks like us, sounds like us but is not behaving like us? You cannot accuse us of being unpleasant but it feels unpleasant because you are dealing with someone you do not recognise. Any questions about what is wrong with us are politely answered and you are assured there is not a problem, but we seem lifeless. You flatter us, compliment us and whilst we accept them there is no spark of interest, there is no response.
Why are we like this? Why is this being done? Why do we seem like someone else? It is as if we have been abducted by aliens in the night and replaced with a robot which is neither wonderful nor savage but is frustratingly something else. This third setting occurs during the devaluation period. It is not a respite from devaluation as that is the golden setting once more. It is clearly not the dark setting as that is the rolling out of nastiness and abuse. This third setting is an indicator of the calm before the storm. Whilst there are occasions where we might switch from golden to dark setting in the blink of an eye, this third setting is used when we wish to conserve energy in readiness for unleashing a particular savage next stage in the devaluation as we will move to the dark setting and crank it up to eleven. You are not cruising along being driven by fair winds, nor are you being thrown up and down buffeted by a storm, instead you are becalmed or moved along by a weak breeze. This is the time we are girding our loins, gathering information and plotting. The switch of functions to the organisation and scheming of what is to come, along with the intense outpouring of energy required to sustain the vicious intensifying of this devaluation means we adopt this near automatic state. You may not ever see this happen dependent on the nature of the narcissist you have become entangled with, but when you do, you should be aware that a storm is brewing and not just any old storm but a supercell storm of savage and damaging proportions. This is a warning.
6 thoughts on “Why Does The Narcissist Seem So Odd?”
Dear HG. I became aware of your site about a year ago and like many here, crave and absorb your invaluable wisdom and frequent the site daily. My challenging individual is our daughter, so I must apply your teachings slightly differently to everyone else. I was (unknowingly) her NIPS from birth till her marriage. I felt that the cycle being outworked has been as follows: NIPS -> Devaluation -> NISS -> Further devaluation -> Discard, interspersed with malign hoovers which are now infrequent and they’re silent treatments instead. (Rightly, I should have become a secondary source after her marriage, if this is possible.) Like all, I crave a resumption of the golden period and simply want to be “mum”. Geography has put a natural barrier in place (different countries, different islands) and I arm myself like a junkie with your reasonings before interactions, which are as brief as possible. Your words empower as I bite my tongue and refuse all bait. Here is my problem, however. I am currently in the “stranger setting” and have been since April. My sequence of events is either foolishly optimistic or I’m in for a shockingly poisonous wake-up call in the future. Given my position as a parent, is it possible that I might stay in the stranger setting for a lengthy period of time or do you think I’ve misjudged the whole order of events. Can there be a different set of rules for this situation? I appreciate your time and all that you have done for me so far and for all those out there who you’ve also helped. May your words always flow. Thank you.
Welcome Green Leaves and you appear to have a useful grasp of the understanding of the situation. Since you are now in different countries however you are no longer the NIPPS, but a NISS. Your daughter has placed you on the shelf. She will take you off the shelf when there is a Hoover Trigger (and there will be one) and IF the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. If you need assistance with understanding the situation further I will need to receive more information from you and convey more information to you and therefore I invite you to organise a consultation with me.
Dear HG. Thank you so much for your reply. There is much comfort in being “on the shelf” and I hadn’t considered it as an option. Hoover criteria are met due to my role, but nowadays with limited frequency. As I continue to work through this situation piecing the jigsaw or her actions together I will contact you to help me – something you’ve already done massively. Thank you so much and best wishes 🍃
I look forward to doing so, it’s the most effective option.
This reminds me that when I first met my narcissist ex, he told me he was an alien. I laughed of course but maybe he was trying to warn me of something. He definitely didn’t behave like a human.
Time for stranger mode again….meh