5 Reasons It Cannot Work With The Narcissist : The 5 Howling Wildernesses
Five reasons it cannot work
1. Nothing about the golden period is real
It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.
2. Nothing is ever good enough
How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.
3. Nothing stops the games being played
The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.
4. Nothing surpasses fuel
Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.
5. Nothing will ever change.
There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.
Besides, I am terrified of change.
20 thoughts on “5 Reasons It Cannot Work With The Narcissist : The 5 Howling Wildernesses”
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For me, they are empty souls !! They think they are winning, but all they do is losing! Time after time , ” relationship ” after ” relationship “! Cause, if nothing has any worth, the whole life is senseless !!
But even if your kind could change, he or she will still lack emotional empathy and conscience, right?
Yes, so it is not a change is it?
Nope!
No, it is not a Real change.
Indeed.
“Only to live, to live and live! Life, whatever it may be!” – F.D. – C. & P.
Now, I am scared, Sir.
Good evening HG. Are you really terrified of change and if so why would that be and IF you ever got over that fear and did change would you embrace that? Have a good evening!
I do not need to change.
I just listened to this today….
I still work at the office where my Narc boss of nine years is too. He’s a regional president and he’s got positive and negative appliances galore scattered across several offices and states. I’ve got to doubt he’s got anyone else as confrontational, accusational or who slings back the insults to him as much as I have. I’m not sure how we got that way, he’s my bosses boss after all, but somehow that’s the relationship we’ve had. After the last straw and a huge argument and a disengagement/silent treatment, which was fine with me, we found ourselves at the office alone the other day. “What’s going on Kel? Oh, just working, how about you? I was at a luncheon being my charming self, which I guess you don’t like about me. Well it’s not so much your charming self, it’s your other side I’m not so fond of.” I could sense a smile spread across his face as he turned to open a door. We were chit chatting pleasantly with our normal playful put downs, and I left when another person came in. What I noticed is I couldn’t stop doing the negative digs with him, and I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to be pleasant when I rarely see him anymore, and stop that old relationship. The next day I sent him a text, I thought I’ll load on the bunk, spread the charm, do the kiss up, and he’ll lap it up, and it’ll set a new positive air on the rare days I see him. It was simple, 3 sentences, it hit on real things so it was believable, like how mean I’ve been, always mad at him, suspicious, a load of fluff. He replied nicely. But what I found is, that apology knocked a chip off my shoulder. It felt real, I really felt good about apologizing, it took the negative out of me, it dumped the baggage of him off of me. No matter how I blame him for what I’d become, it still takes two to tango, and apologizing for my part was like getting the good-me back. Hey, I brake for squirrels even when it launches my purse to the floorboard and spills everything out, I say a prayer for every deer on the side of the road that they don’t get run over, I’m a nice person not this meany I’ve become around him, and that apology made me feel free more than anything else has. Feels like I really got my butterfly wings. I released him.
Kel2day
Good for you.
It sounds like you took a sidestep out from under that behavioural oppression; you pressed ‘reset’ for yourself, and now you’re determining how you respond.
You’ve taken back your power, and now your interaction with him is a considered action, rather than just reacting to him in a reflexive manner.
As he’s in a position of power over you, he’s set up the negative dynamic, and he pulls your strings to continue getting that reaction. It seems that it’s a form of negative fuel. It’s certainly him enforcing the power imbalance, and not in your favour — typical N-behaviour.
Well done!
Keep holding your ground.
Hi Caroline R,
Thank you! What I’ve always been amazed about this blog is how much I’ve actually learned about myself. You know I’ve been a snapping abused victim for so long, and that’s not who I really am. It’s nice to be me again.
Kel2day
It is a great thing to feel comfortable in our own skin, to be our authentic selves, to find our voice, and to live according to our convictions.
This is hard-won personal growth.
These things bring us peace and joy (a calm delight) and fire up our mojo.
I’m so pleased for you!
I’m hardwired similarly, so I understand everything that you’ve said.
HG
This is a ground breaking piece of work that you’ve produced.
It’s faultless.
This is one of the essential pieces of yours whose truths I consider on most days. It lifts my heartache, and helps to reset my perspective.
I listen to it often on my ‘HG YouTube videos playlist’ (HGYTVP). It’s always followed by “The N Only Ever Shows You An Illusion’, ‘Did The N Mean Anything He Said?’, and ‘Can You Have A Successful Relationship With A N?’ and others.
They’re good mind food, and satisfying when listened to together..
Thank you!
Thank you Caroline R.
HG
You’re welcome.
Oh, they’re recorded? I must listen to them.
In the meantime, I will type up the 5 reasons on a little reminder card so I can easily access when my Emotional Thinking kicks in. Like right now, when I suspect Narcx is on a multi-week European vacation with his new fuel source. I remember when we went on one of those early in our relationship. I got one of my first silent treatments then after I accused him of flirting with a receptionist at a tourist venue. Hmmm…perhaps the new source’s experience will not be paradise, either, given numbers 2, 3, and 5.
Hi lisk,
There are two versions, the earlier one called ‘5 Howling Wildernesses’, and the later recording called ‘5 Reasons It Cannot Work With A Narcissist’, which has a photo of a doll’s face.
The face is falling apart, and on closer inspection isn’t as good as it first appears….a good metaphor for a few aspects of the N-dynamic.
It’s slightly creepy, but in a good way.
The fixed expression, the empty eyes…
It’s a memorable image, and entirely apt.
I love listening to ‘The Golden Rules of Freedom’ series too, and ‘GOSO part 1’.
And ‘The Golden Period’,.
And ‘The Final Discard’.
And…..
I could go on for a while…..
Enjoy!
I still listen to the recordings. I swear that some of them feel aimed directly at me – I don’t know if it is the tone or the closeness to my particular situation but they are so helpful at maintaining my LD. My favorite is, “Can you have a successful intimate relationship with a narcissist.”