Angel of My Creation
I still remember with breath-taking clarity the first time I fell in love. I was 17 and there was a girl in my class called Amanda. She was tall, gamine and with a slightly upturned nose. Her hair was blonde and long, always sweeping behind her.. She always seemed to be hurrying from one place to the next, yet she did so with a measured glide that made her seem somehow ethereal. I would stand and watch her as she bustled along the corridor in college, her hockey stick poking from her bag and apologies issued from that enticing mouth as the stick bumped against people. I would position myself in class so I could look at her without her noticing. I sat at seven o’clock to her and I drank in her frame as it was hunched over the desk, those long fingers gripping her fountain pen, the blue ink staining her index finger. How I loved her slender wrists which would often be turned towards me, the skin slightly paler than the rest of her sun-kissed self. Her figure was athletic, her skin lightly tanned and there was always a clean scent about her. Whenever she passed me I would breathe in as deep as I could to savour every molecule of her fragrance that washed over me. I would lie in bed, my eyes closed and invent scenarios for us to meet and spend time together. I imagined protecting her from those that would seek to defile such a precious person as I knew full well of the darkness that lurked waiting to trap someone as pure as her. I knew my kind and what went on in our minds. I masturbated frenetically conjuring up images of her naked frame enveloped around mine, her soft lips pressed onto my cheek. I could not resist the allure she exhibited yet I cursed myself after my climax for allowing me to think of her in this way. Occasionally she would smile at me and leave me dizzy with elation.
Carefully I built up a portfolio of information about her. There was no internet to aid me then and my intelligence was gathered through a combination of observation and discrete questioning of her friends. I knew where she lived, in a small town along from mine and her bedroom was at the front of the house above the main entrance. She often rode a bike and on a Saturday morning she would go horse riding. I learned she was a fan of Duran Duran and had something of a crush on Simon le Bon when she had been in her younger teens. I knew she enjoyed playing a lot of sport and her favourite drink was Vimto. Little by little I noted all of this down and then memorised it in readiness of the day that we spoke. I envisaged how I might ask her to go on a date with me. I thought about the two of us going to see a film together, something a little scary so that those delightful fingers might reach out and grab mine by way of reassurance. I wondered if she could ice skate and if not how she could hold onto me as we moved about the rink. I longed to hold her hand and let my fingers caress her clean, clean skin.
I never saw any evidence of a boyfriend although I knew from what other lads in the class said that they fancied her. Inside I churned when I heard them refer to her in a sexual fashion. She was not theirs to be spoken of in that way and during history lessons I would plot how I would cause those leering fools to suffer for their graphic slurring of my beautiful Amanda.
All through that first year of sixth form college I loved her with a noble purity and never spoke to anyone of how I felt about her, but I knew that it was love. How could this powerful sensation I felt each time I saw her, heard her or smelt her, be anything else? The summer holiday was a painful hiatus and my sporadic passes of her home never produced a glimpse of Amanda. I once walked up to the front door and nearly posted a note through her letterbox, but my nerve failed me and I retreated down the path.
Once Autumn arrived and with it the start of the upper sixth, I returned to college with expectant enthusiasm. As I settled into my usual seat and waited for her to glide into the class room I wondered if she had changed much over the summer holiday. The teacher arrived and commenced the lesson, but there was no Amanda. She made no appearance all that week. Nor the next. My sleep was fragmented with concern as to her whereabouts and eventually I asked our form tutor. He explained that her family had moved abroad over the summer owing to her father’s job. He did not know the exact whereabouts. My fury at losing her was monumental but I kept it within, as I had been taught, not wanting the world to know of the agony that I bore. I tried to ascertain where she had gone but my questions bore no fruit.
The decades have passed and I have looked for her again and again. I have used technology to try and locate her but there has been nothing. Her name may have changed and thus she eludes me. I have checked her old friends’ profiles to see if she is amongst their friends but she remains elusive. I have had to carry the burden of my lost love all this time and though I have sought sanctuary in the soft embrace of countless ladies, each time hoping that Amanda will appear to me through their embrace or their fragrance, every time I am left broken and bitterly disappointed. None of them come close to that angel which graced my class room. None of them equal her purity and grace, her unsullied manner and gracious movements. My love for Amanda was perfect and I feared it could never be matched. Each and every time they show such promise and every time they leave me disappointed and full of bile as they fall monstrously short of her perfection. I will not give up on my angel, I never shall, for it is with her that I shall find salvation.
84 thoughts on “Angel of My Creation”
This is so beautifully written yet painful to read.
You think of love as a weapon because it is what you use to gain fuel. Also it was used against you to turn you into what you are, by never receiving it. I get that, so you believe that love was meant to be a weapon, but you don’t feel it.
The last part makes no sense HG and you know it.
Makes perfect sense to me, maybe not to you, but I am not you, so it does not matter.
You are correct HG, The little bit of word salad you just served up didn’t work with me, but as you say, it doesn’t matter, it really never did.
Nice try. It was not word salad, it was an accurate and intelligent response. It is okay not to understand the point I made, but it is not acceptable to refer to it as word salad. That does not happen here.
You didn’t explain your answer. How can you not know what a weapon feels like? If you know what love should feel like, and love is a weapon to you, well how can what you are not feeling be a weapon?
And did you just scold me? Of all the things people say to you on here and you say nothing, you are going to scold me? I don’t think so!
No I did not scold you, I asked if you got it, as in do you understand?
A weapon is not a feeling, it is an object. One can feel the shape and weight of an object but it is not an emotion. Love is a weapon because it is used against people. That is what weapons are used for.
I got what you just wrote, but it is not an answer to the original question HG. Which is fine because as you say, what makes sense to me does not make sense to you, so it doesn’t really matter.
I am pleased you got what I wrote. I have answered the question.
You didn’t answer the original question but that is fine HG.
Btw, if you happen to get on any subways in NYC today, be careful they have found numerous pressure cookers. Have a good day HG.
I did answer the original question.
It’s not important and doesn’t matter. My ET has been triggered and is spiraling out of control. It’s time to end this now. Thank you
The comments showed up, they are at the bottom of the thread that is all. Apologies for taking up your time HG.
No need to apologise.
The last line sums it up for me salvation is infatuation bc it allows the narcissist escape from the prison of themselves.
Im not sure if amanda really existed but i see her as a symbol of narc infatuation. She is the next girl and next girl and next….the promise of perfect narc supply but there is no such thing bc another person cant fill the inner void permanently. That goes for anyone not just narcissists. You cant expect another person to fulfill your every need and void only you can do that. Thats why npd is cyclic. Its a bandaide treatment for someone deeply damaged trying to put a bandaide on a fatal gash instead of healing it. Other people can help you forget for awhile but that gaping hole will always be there until its faced, understood and worked on. Infatuation is fleeting and just a flimsy bandaide. Thats why older narcs get gangrene and rot bc they never heal themselves.
After reading this article, I actually felt hope. I even wished my ex narc felt this way about me. If this was said to me, I would have fallen for it and I would have been putty in his hands. Its so beautifully written. I’m so glad I read through the comments and saw that you were using this as example of how easy it is to fake those emotions you can’t feel. Thank you for opening my eyes yet again. In Manipulated you wrote, “Hope dies last”. Powerful words because it really does.
No one can ever come close to Amanda because her perfection is an illusion a fantasy. Her beauty is the only thing that is real but that is all. That is the reason why no one can compare. Fantasy relationships or admiring someone from afar they become perfect in every way and nobody ever comes close to it.
Some people are actually special. An ideal. That actually exist. And, they are very special to some people that have or had them in their life. And, they do not come around that often, and sometimes some people never meet anyone that special. But, some people do meet people that are very special to them.
Hi princesssuperempath…to a narcissist no one is special but themselves. Every person has an expiry date. Amanda wouldve been special for awhile then stale then somewhat special again but that initial infatuation never returns fully.
Shes like an art piece becoming more valuable after the artist is dead. Shes special bc she never became a full reality flaws and all. Shes set in forever untouched perfection bc she was never in the npd cycle. She is that natcissists “hope” of perfect undying fuel.
Hi C-Mum. Until someone tells me the exact date and time that the Narcissism was complete and essentially in complete control of HG Tudor, and I can then compare that exact date with the last timeframe that he saw Amanda and even for a while thereafter that he thought about her so strongly, with exact dates and times, I am not being illogical in thinking she may have touched a remnant of him that was still not yet removed by the Narcissism. From what I am learning, the Narcissism is a Process over time that starts out as a Defense Mechanism for the younger person and then continues to operate as a Survival Mechanism for the adult person that is now out and about in the world as a more independent being. Still , the Narcissism grows over time, and has stages. Narcissists evolve like everyone else. So, I am still waiting to know the exact date and time, that HG basically could not be touched in that manner that is so beautiful. Does anyone know the exact time and date that HG Tudor`s Narcissism was essentially complete? Maybe the info is stated somewhere. Until I have dates, I say ~Amanda~ did have meaning to him. Even if his Magical Thinking now says she was just like the rest.
It’s because you never had her… so because of that it’s easy to hold someone to an ideal. She would have disappointed you just like the rest.
I have an ideal man in my life I’ve never been with either… the timing was never right and I just think over all he’s not interested in me that way. I put him up on this pedastal because it’s easy too. But really he is just as flawed as I am.
Unrequited love… welcome to the club ❤️
How right you are
People always want what they can’t have ….. then when they finally get it, they don’t want it anymore …. they’ve lost interest
Kids are a classic example when fighting over a toy … haha
I believe that’s why the Weasel kept us around so long … he wanted what he couldn’t have
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
My Dear HG. This is how the Psychopath felt about me. Since he first saw me. I’m the only woman he’s been with. I’m the only person he loves, including his family. He thinks I’m the only good person he’s ever known. He didn’t abuse me but he kept me. His life was nothing but me. He lived through me.
He doesn’t dream either.
Very interesting and touching article! You have often stated that narcissists cannot feel love, how does this fit with your love for Amanda?
It was not love. I believed it was at the time, but it was not.
Dear Saviour, what is love anyway. Chemicals. We love when it’s in our interest. A mother can kill her child if it benefits her. Love isn’t real, but it’s the realest thing. Is love a feeling or an action. A noun or a verb. If we judge your action, we can say you love us, HG.
Do you feel like you have a better understanding of what love is now with SM?
I have always known what love is meant to be, I just do not feel it.
HG you have always known what love is meant to be. If you don’t mind sharing, what is love meant to be in your mind?
I honestly didn’t think you would answer that question with a serious answer HG. But I had to try. 🙃
I actually thought you would come up with something better then that HG. You must be tired today. 🙃
I can’t think of anything better than a weapon (see if you can work that one out)
I get it though HG. People use love to do harmful things to people, usually those people are children. I was having a good day, I just didn’t want to go there.
You use it also as a weapon for fuel. I will never do that to anyone.
I loved HG’s answer. It was honest. When you know that’s what love means to them, then that’s our weapon too against our ET.
Thank you. You always get the brutal truth here.
HGs answer didn’t make sense to me because the question was taken from an answer of HGs, “ I have always known what love is meant to be, I just do not feel it.”
So he thinks it’s a weapon but doesn’t feel it as such? I’m glad you understood it Kel, because I surely don’t. 🙃
I know what chickenpox is, but I do not have it. I can of course dab some spots on my body and make it look like I have chicken pox.
I know that love is a weapon to be used by my kind, but I do not feel it. I can of course make it look like I love.
Something must be wrong with WP, the rest of are comments to each other are not showing up? It ends with this one and there should be a few more.
I cannot see that in the moderation pane FM1T, what I see in terms of the blog is the “back end” and you see the “front end”, so we have different perspectives. Rather apt really!
HG understands what love means to us and to the world from growing up observing us and movies. But what love means to him is it’s a weapon to use against us in order to control us and manipulate us. It’s a tool they use just like they play on all our emotions like our guilt and empathy to get us to react to them and spill out fuel.
Oh Kel, I simply cannot explain what I am trying to say, neither you or HG understand the question I ask him in the beginning. I have always had trouble with this and I’m sorry. I didn’t want to not reply back to you in some way because you took your time to try and understand. But I honestly am done trying now. Thank you Kel. 🥰
Perhaps you need to rephrase your question or elaborate if we both do not understand what you are asking.
HG, thank you but that is not necessary.
I loved your question asking HG what love is to him. Both your question and HG’s answer were brilliant in the simplest form, which I loved. We know narcissists don’t feel much of anything outside of fury and power. I suppose you’re right in that respect that HG would feel power from using love as a weapon.
Perhaps she has been ensnared by others of your kind and she is now, or soon will be, one of your readers.
Wow HG you felt deeply here .
You didn’t just see this woman as a piece of meat to bolster your own ego and needs.You were protective of her .
There is so much feeling in this it’s painfully touching with a warmth I didn’t think you could ever possess.Its beautiful.
You can feel 😊you have felt heartbreak it’s not nice is it .
I wonder did this heartbreak mould you in some way to ensure you protect yourself and never feel it again
Do not be misled Kiki, it was infatuation and demonstrates the manner by which I have learned to express such absent emotions in order to get what I want.
Yikes HG , look how easily I get all gooey and warm with expressed emotion even if it’s fake uhh ooohh
The way you describe loving that woman is something me as an Empath could fall hopelessly for .
Lesson learned HG
Indeed Kiki, that is why you are here and that is why I am the best teacher.
Kiki: I am misled as well then. I think she may have touched a final part of him that remained, before the Narcissism had swept essentially the total of that side of him away from ever being touched again in all probability. Does anyone know the exact day the NPD was complete? And, now the Magical Thinking has rewritten the history saying that infatuation was the same for Amanda, as any other. I do not feel that. I am sorry that they have not met again for either `closure,` or a new beginning. She sounds wonderful. And believable. She was real. I believe she touched a remnant part of a magnificent man, that will not in all likelihood be touched again. I hope she keeps that special and innocent feeling and time that she spent with HG, within herself as long as she lives. We all resonate differently with each other. Even all fuel is not exactly the same, may I say? Amanda seems to have been very special. Still, we all are forced to change in this life, willingly or unwillingly. I know that I may be wrong in thinking all this, HG, but I believe this nevertheless and may we then agree to disagree regarding your `Amanda.`
Hmmmm PSE , yes I felt like you on this but I think we are incorrect as HG says .
Still though I’m not sure either , why write something like that if it’s meaningless
Maybe HG wants us to see the way a narc can BS emotions .
It was written by him about him though .
Even normals wouldn’t feel the way he portrays his feelings in this .
I found it very intense and beautiful
I agree with Kiki. I think that’s just how we filter everything through our own feelings. WE feel love in those poetic words. WE want to believe that deep down that love was real, and even as I type this I can feel both sides of me arguing over it. The me that sees the beauty inside of everyone, and the me that understands that reality isn’t always as it appears. Although I will say if there’s hope for any narcissist at all, I like to think HG would be top among them, given his incredible self awareness and ability to articulate how he functions for our benefit.
You are right , I’ve just experienced the absolute heartless behaviour of narc against me in the last couple of days .The complete switch.
It’s classic stuff am I hurt yes , but it’s so off the wall manipulative iit’s so twisted and exactly what HG writes .
Why can’t I get it through my thick head that he is a very dangerous narc , or should I say my thick EThinking.
He has proved it in textbook behaviour actually extreme behaviour the sudden silent treatments are becoming crazier every time
Shocking this time I think it must have been planned to deliberately hurt me.
Oh the temptation to tell him what he is is high now
I won’t I promise , I’m rambling out my feelings here .
I cannot let this silent treatment get to me I will not
I’m not freaking out I’m trying to stay cold and in my logic now
Kiki and Jen. If this `Amanda` actually existed/exists, I am saying she touched a part of him that in now removed. Maybe to never be touched again. That door is pretty much closed now, unless he met me, of course.
Kiki: My intuition told me that you interacted with a Narc recently while you were away from the blog. But, I hoped that I had inutited incorrectly. I felt very bad, but there was nothing I could do, but hope you made it back. Even if we mess up, we should not feel we can not come back on here, I think. There is a line I think we cross. When we cross that line we pass the baton to others to carry the person on. I think there is a point when the pain outweighs the pleasure. And where the hoovering is never mistaken for more than being sucked and vacuumed back into the dust and dirt and debris and refuse powerfully into that whirling and round and round madness again. It is not good for your health. My health finally helped me cross the line to get away. I was no longer feeling well. I felt ill, without being sick. I had to get off the `Wheel of Misery`~~HG Tudor
PSE that was nice to read. The wise pink girl with a monocle is perfect for you (I know it’s coincidental ha).
I think HG loved Amanda.
I don’t believe his diagnosis. How can a Magnificent Genius like him be summarised with one word- Psychopath. There is richness inside of him. Why would he need to be Narcissistic, if there weren’t feelings to protect? Much of his work is emotive. Why is he ethical? He doesn’t date women younger than 23. He is more ethical than anyone I’ve known (I’m almost crying now haha). Anyway I could go on and on. I haven’t figured him out but I don’t believe his Black and White thinking about himself.
Many see the negative words as weapons never seeing the honey dripping words one is so eager to drink up as a weapon, those thou are deadly to the soul.
My ex Jon would tell me anything can be used as a weapon and he was speaking truth, via my perspective the shovel he just happen to be holding could be used as a weapon or a tool, yet he told me to think about it. It took me some time to dig deep to understand the full meaning of his words.
Words which stir emotions can in fact be a weapon one doesn’t see…..it is what I have stated here before watching the right hand never seeing what the left is doing.
His words effect your emotions which blind you from what he has never denied here, he is a narcissist.
Whitney: I do understand HG Tudor to be indeed a Narcissistic Sociopath. A Grand one, at that. The Narcissist. But, there is more to him than even that. What all is part of him, I do not know. But I am saying that I do remember form my learning about this dynamic, i that it doesn’t just happen to a person overnight, like being struck by lightning, so to speak, but it is a process starting in their youth provoked by an overwhelming violating trauma they experienced from their society that they were too young to integrate and they faced a complete mental and pyschological destruction, and at some time frame, a tipping point occurs for some o fthese youths , and their mind fights the traumatization back to defend it self and to survive, and some become Narcissists in order to fight back, especially if they were being overpowered as a youth. Some then seek Power as an existential motivator. However, I am saying some did experience some emotions along the way that is removed from them by their Narcissism as they become adults, such as the removal of faith and belief and hope,and love and empathy and trust, etc:. The very emotions that suffered the violation. And so they seek out people that still have these emotions to balance and regulate themselves. So, somewhere in this transition to becoming a Grand Narcissist, I believe HG Tudor knew a certain feeling that he no longer essentially feels. For Amanda. There is a reason that Narcissists do not look for another Narcissist for an IPPS, in general. It is because they have too much of the same and even an overabundance of certain emotions such as Power and Envy and Jealousy and Fury, etc etc. (Unless the Primary Aim transcends the emotional deficit, like with Bill and Hillary Clinton, for example, both Narcissists). Therefore, Narcissists will always be heavily drawn and prefer the Amandas of this world, even though they may dabble otherwise, if the fuel is elsewhere, as well.
You are right, positive words (and actions) are the biggest manipulation. They create the most confusion in me, from Narcs in my life.
PSE 🌸 HG must have felt emotions like love and trust. So deeply, but he was heartbroken as a child. His works convey these emotions. As an adult now, I am heartbroken, and I wonder if these emotions are blunting.
Whitney. Yes, our emotions can become blunted. We become more vigilant to protect ourselves. But we can not remove our emotions to the extreme, because we are not Narcissists. We just have to be more careful, use our Logic more than we naturally desire to do and we must become more moderate than we would wish to be. But the wise proverbs say, to be moderate in all things. We will lose some of our irrational enthusiasm over time in this life, of course, Whitney. But, sometimes we can still sneak in a giggle or 2 when no one is watching.
Ahh, the first love! This is for all HG Tudor’s Lonely Hearts Club members, the best translation that I found of Alexander Pushkin’s poem I Loved You Once in the poetic and the funny versions:
I loved you once, and love, perhaps has not within my soul yet wholly list its flame.
But please do not be saddened or distraught-to trouble you would drench my heart in shame.
I loved you once, though lacking hope completely, by envy and timidity worn thin
I loved you so sincerely and sweetely,
Ah, May God grant you be so loved again!
I dug you, babe, and reckon this sick feeling has not dissolved, still lingers in my gut.
And that’s none of your business! I’m chilling. Not that I wanna bug you, my sweetheart!
I dug you to a point being useless, like friggin dummy steeped in jealousy.
I dug you, but you’re obviously clueless.
I trust some other dude will go at it.
Hahaha. Love the translation.
Is Amanda in your fuel matrix, Sir? It is creepy, you deshumanize her all through your article.
I dehumanise everybody.
You dehumanize everybody.
Does that include The Shieldmaiden at present? Or anyone during the golden period for that matter? I’m unclear if you mean eventually or if you mean in the sense that they are an appliance from the get go.
Everybody is an appliance, an object. That is how I am wired to regard everybody.
HG, have you ever come across another Ultra? or are you the only one?
If you have come across another Ultra (or if you’re the only one then a UGN) do you perceive them as an object and therefore that would mean that they perceive you as an object too? How does that make you feel?
I am the only Ultra.
I have met UGNs. Yes they are an object to. Yes, they will perceive me as an object.
It entertains me because we are both nuclear arsenals, but mine is more extensive.
Oh god. I’d really like to see that play out.
That’s so strange that you see humans as objects when I humanize objects all the time.
I thought that to be the case but then wondered if that was not the mindset during the GP. Thank you for clarifying.
Dearest HG: Regarding your statement: [`I have met UGNs. Yes they are an object too. Yes, they will perceive me as an object.
It entertains me because we are both nuclear arsenals, but mine is more extensive,`] HG, this is a case where I want to ask you a question, but I do not what to ask! So frustrating for me. If you would give more information of this occurrence, with some actual examples, in due time, I would find it very/quite interesting. Is it like if King Kong would meet Godzilla, Or if King Kong would unite with GodZilla to battle the female monster Mothra? Or, when Upper Greaters Collide? By the way, HG, did you ever see the movie, War of the Roses? with the plot of Michael Douglas married to Kathleen Turner, as they War against each other in their Marriage? A Dark Comedy. An Excellent movie. A PSE Approved Movie.
And yet… somehow make
It seem so romantic 🤔 cause if I was Amanda and I read that… I’d come running !
Empath007: From everything that I read on Narcsite, that Golden Period feels pretty good. No matter how the Narcissists describe the source.
Clean is the word.
I see what you did there with the boots, HG!
Me too …. you only had to blink … poof gone !
This one generates more fuel …l have to admit, they are lovely tanned legs, probably “fake” tan … like everything else
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
So strange that you’ve made an icon and placed her on a pedestal that no one else can reach – you don’t even really know her. This imaginary perfection. It must be part of the disorder.
My UMRN when recently hoovering me for a hit of fuel told me he’d recently fallen in love (having once told me he did not have the capability to love). He said he’s fallen very quickly but she did not feel the same, she spent her life getting followers on social media – she did a lot of overseas charity work. He said she spent too much time on herself so there was nothing and no attention left for him. Imaginary perfection that he wanted for himself.
I was angry because he talked about a love he’d never had for me, this gave him fuel – but then I saw. He just wanted her fuel and her angelic goodness to shine for him. It didn’t.
I see now he’s crawled back to his IPPS who he described as ‘nice’. Poor girl. His sick fixed grin on twitter and her looking overweight and stressed but happer. She will learn.
I received an imagenary perfection as well… we probably all do.