Needing Release

Add a heaNEEDINGding

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.

13 thoughts on “Needing Release

  1. mai51 says:

    Phew! I escaped a dungeon 11 months ago and no way in hell want to go back! Appreciate the drop of the 51 HG…..

  2. mai51 says:

    Absolutely word for word what my ex said/felt…..

    You really are an unimaginative lot HG! ( Yourself excluded, naturally )

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You just avoided the dungeon there Mai!

  3. NJFilly says:

    Dear Mr. HG Tudor,

    You are incredible and brilliant.

    We are all victims. We are all slaves to our desires. We all want to escape. We are all bad, yet sometimes good.

    You have moved me with your articles. You have affected me in ways that I can’t understand or explain. I feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. Always intensely.

    I admire you and respect you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  4. kaydiva3 says:

    This sounds just like my narc ex. I loved him more than anything and I gave him everything I had. I was sure he was the love of my life, and then one day he was just done with me, no explanation. On top of it he acted like I was annoying him by having any feelings about it. This is such a foreign concept to me. Even if I wasn’t in love with someone I could never, ever treat them this way (which I suppose is why I allowed a different man to stalk and harass me for a year). I’m still struggling to understand how you manage to not attach to people.

  5. myriflemyponynme says:

    Cheval mirror.

  6. lisaelli13 says:

    Is there a trial period silent treatment, or did I really cause a major wound? After most recent discard there was of course me doing what was expected of me…text, call, show up…repeat. A few days go by with no contact and I receive a text meme from him backing up his new “you’re the narcissist” stance. I respond with no emotion, I understand you feel that way but I don’t agree…Then another message pages long about how horrible I am, all his lies that he has invented used against me (which is everything he’s ever done). Vile disgusting lies that “everyone knows”. To which I do the same unemotional response again and add that I didn’t get to read the whole message because I was busy, but I got the jist of it. I felt the rage through the text “jist” was repeated multiple times…then I was told “you wore me like a mask like you did with your ex-husband to disguise who you really are…blocked I am free”. Is this because I called him a Narcissist, therefore he’s now got more ammo to hurl at me? I am positive he had to google the meaning and do some research to find the correct terms to use. Was that a trial period, or a wound or both?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I need more information to establish the context and nature of the interaction and therefore you should utilise this and I will be able to assist you with greater effectiveness.

      1. lisaelli13 says:

        I plan on that HG. Thank you so much for the information you provide. Just from reading the blogs I feel that even though my narchole will never validate my feelings, one of his kind is. Does that make sense?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It does.

  7. Leigh says:

    Wow! I don’t know if this was your intention, but I can see the narc saying this during disengagement or the victim saying this during escape.

  8. Badalassi says:

    Oh God…. this could have been written by my ex.. how sad …

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