Why Being Smeared Affects You More Than Others
I have previously explained some of the forms that the smear campaign takes and also why they are so effective. Now I turn to the six reasons why they affect somebody like you so much. Smear campaigns are a constant in the arsenal of the narcissist. Effective, utilised through word of mouth and with the capacity to envelop several people at once who in turn perpetuate the smear, the smear campaign is a favoured manipulation of our kind. Here are six reasons why they affect you so much.
- Denial of assistance
The smear campaign is usually utilised during devaluation and on the cusp of discard. Its timing is such that you will more likely than not find yourself in a position of desperation, fatigue and confusion. Battered and buffeted by our manipulations through the devaluation period,you are in a poor position to defend yourself never mind having to defend your reputation with others. Once the discard hits you and knocks you for six, you are in need of considerable assistance. You need somebody to help you make sense of what has just happened. You need somebody to listen to you as you pore over the relationship and try to piece together (usually unsuccessfully) the cause of your fall from grace and subsequent discard. You will need assistance on practical items such as money, paying bills, eating, child care, washing and cleaning in some of the more extreme cases where your ability to function has been hammered. When your need for external assistance is at its highest, you find that those who you thought you could rely on to help you have been poisoned. Friends become unobtainable or suddenly busy with other commitments. Family are sceptical about helping you since they think you have brought it on yourself and they are even ashamed of your supposed behaviour. Colleagues are not inclined to assist someone who has been painted the way you have. These people disappear, turn their backs or even worse ally with our kind and the help and assistance you so desperately need has been taken away from you. This furthers your isolation, your pain and your distress. It also reduces your capability to address the nature of the smear campaign and neutralise it.
- The Corruption of the Truth
You abide by the truth. You speak it and live by it. Yes, you may tell the odd white lie but you are a paragon of virtue compared to our mendacious and repeated untruths. You believe in the truth and you need others to know that you are an honest and truthful person. You base your life on having honest dealing with people, both towards them and from them. It has been an horrendous enough experience dealing with our lies that we told time and time again to you, but it becomes even worse when you are being lied about. You may have reached the conclusion that we are well-practised liars and that is the way we are but to have your own reputation impugned and your character stained as a liar is anathema to you. This causes distress and the fact you know that other people are believing a lie about you will have a damaging effect on you and we know this full well.
- Frustration
You feel a huge sense of frustration that your reputation is being smeared but added to that is the frustration that people are actually believing what is being said about you. You are surprised and dismayed that people are falling for what we are saying about you. You are disappointed in those people who you thought would know better than to be taken in by what we have said. You really ought to know by now that just as oyu were taken in by our charm and seduction, so have they. Did you really expect them to respond any differently when you did not? The difficulty is, is that you know the truth about the lies being spun about you and you desperately want others to see through this but they do not. You understand why, because we base the smear on a grain of truth, we magnify and manipulate and twist and warp the truth so that people are deceived in an expert fashion but nevertheless you really though that people who you could rely on would see through this tissue of lies, this web of deceit. The frustration at this overhwhelms you and adds to the distress of the situation as a whole.
- The Lack of Control
We hate losing control. Most people do not like to lose control because this causes distress, anxiety and apprehension. If something bad happens and you are able to at least do something to address it, counter it or mitigate its effect you automatically feel better. However, if you are swept along on a tide by a force over which you can exert no control, the sense of helplessness is massive. You are made to feel like this because when the smear campaign commences your coping ability has been hugely reduced. We however are at the top of our game, calling the shots and orchestrating everything with considerable effectiveness. You do not truly understand why it is happening, why we are behaving like this and moreover why people believe what we are saying. You feel as if you have no control over the progression and outcome of the smear campaign and this increases its effectiveness in terms of how it affects you.
- Keeping Up Appearances
Related to the corruption of the truth. Whereas the corruption of the truth alarms you because of the way that a central quality which you adhere to and believe in is being damaged, the smear campaign is also damaging how people think about you. You are not a person who is immersed in pride. You are neither vain nor conceited but you still want people to think well of you because you are a good and decent person. You just want people to know what you are and to have them told that you are something contrary to your actual appearance becomes especially upsetting for you.
- The Hammer to Your Reputation
Not only is your character and outward appearance as a good and honest person shattered and dented by the smear campaign, the effects of a smear campaign often go further. Your professional integrity is called into question with ramifications for your job, career advancement and livelihood. Your standing in the community is adversely affected which could have repercussions where you hold positions of trust and authority. If you have to be licensed by the authorities in some way, a smear campaign can place that in jeopardy. You may lose friends, your family may distance themselves from you but the repercussions of a smear campaign can infect your professional life, your income, your integrity and your standing. You are made to feel like a pariah and you may lose clients and customers, the backing of your superiors, be regarded as an albatross to an organisation. People are obsessed with appearances and if you become a PR nightmare not only is your personal life hammered by the smear campaign your professional and business standing is also.
49 thoughts on “Why Being Smeared Affects You More Than Others”
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When I comment will I always be notified that it is awaiting approval? I’m trying to see if i can tell if a comment goes through or if i need to try another way at times without repeating the question..lol
All comments await approval. Please see The Rules in the menu bar (Formal Information)
Yes I know this. I am trying to make sense on why some comments from a few weeks ago havent made it through. So I am trying to see if there is a way to confirm my comment has been received or if I just hope it made it and will find out in a week or so when I dont see a reply.. lol
My comment disappeared again..it doesnt show it went to moderation..
It is in moderation, Misti.
Misti—how do you see what is in moderation anyway? I used to be able to see but it’s no longer viewable. I’m trying to avoid messaging the happiness engineers at WP!
“We however are at the top of our game, calling the shots and orchestrating everything with considerable effectiveness. ”
Once again, this reads as if this is all calculated..is this in regards to a greater?
so for a mid mid ranger… is the smear calculated? Do they know they are doing this? I just came across another lie that he told where he told me a year ago he was deleting all of his research because he was worried about the information he was putting out there and that it would come back on me. I asked if he was sure he wanted to do that because this was his LIFE. He assured me and I told him that I hoped he would get back into it. In september that issue came up and he made it as if it was my fault.. I yelled because I told him ” I asked you at THAT time if it was because of me and you said no!” Then it was “well it was because of you because I wanted you to be protected”
This last sunday my daughter bf talked with me. I started a facebook group about narcissism and he was asking questions. He told me nick would talk about our problems with him (hes 17) and that nick told him he had to deleted all of his research because of me. That I was controlling.. smh
I politely told him that wasnt the case and explain to him what happened.
So again, I’ve asked before if manipulations are calculated for a mid mid range. And they are not. He doesnt know he is doing it.
So then what about this smearing? Is the above instance a smear? I thought so. The line I quoted above sounds like it is calculated.. it says you are orchestrating…
“This causes distress and the fact you know that other people are believing a lie about you will have a damaging effect on you and we know this full well.”
I take your poignant potency to heart within my private healing journey.
This Smear Campaign was the 2nd ingredient added to my Compounded Grief. The 1st was the Intentional verbal assaults from being called a ‘Brown Monkey’ to ‘not belonging to and considered a threat to the community’ with a smile — shrouded in spit — and after my tme & energy of giving ‘Fuel’ and money. The betrayal and confusion those actions derailed my positive energy flow.
Thank you HG, for all that you do and will continue to do.
You’re welcome
PJ,
I am so very sorry for the pain you have suffered, it is hard to read as are many of the stories here. Continue your healing journey. I too am so grateful for all that HG has done and continues to do. Hang in there 🙂
Dearest HG: If people keep mentioning a source to a Narcississt, even after the source has removed herself from the Narcississt, and the person was only a NIPSS in the first place, is it possible that there is no impact to the Narcissist? I can not prevent people from asking about me and mentioning me to the Narcississt. But, it is happening all the time, unfortunately. I do not check facebook to see if I have messages from any intertwined people. Is it possible that other people are continuing the entanglement through proxy in his mind? I do not want this. I had no formal relationship with this man. Has a source that removed herself from you, ever been brought up to you repeatedly, HG? I want people to stop mentioning me to him. I was not even his girlfriend. Is it possible that the constant mention of the removed person is irrelevant and does not matter to the Narcississt, especially if he has a well fueled matrix? That is my desire then, if this can be the case. I want to be irrelevant and not thought about and not discussed. I am beginning to feel uncomfortable, after all the work I have done to remove myself.
No, it is a Hoover Trigger, PSE.
“You feel as if you have no control over the progression and outcome of the smear campaign and this increases its effectiveness in terms of how it affects you.”
Perfect. This is the ‘sunk fallacy’. I’ve invested ’emotionally’ in these relationships and I gave. I ‘sunk’. When I needed, desperately needed help, it wasn’t there. It had never been there. Very VERY fortunately by the time the horror of the smear appeared not only had I read ‘Smeared’. I had digested it, attempted to work out where the fuel lines of the smear itself would manifest (with some degree of success). And it was well over a year before I needed to put it into practice. Time is everything.
So to my mind there are three aspects to the fallacy. The first is that I was sold a lemon that didn’t exist. Friendship. True friendship. Reciprocal friendship.
The second aspect to the fallacy is that my brain would ‘junk’ the aspect that they were not my friends. Surely they where? I must try harder to make myself heard? (I did not BTW, I’m outlining a what if I hadn’t read HG scenario).
The third aspect is cunningly overlain so that I would NEVER appreciate the full depth of the smear because points 1 and 2 would continually keep coming into play. Or in other words, the fallacy is fallible but only if you swallow some deep and dangerous truths about humanity itself.
Renarde—I’m actually getting to the point where I view “smearing” behavior as lacking elegance and a primitive means of control. I know it’s often highly effective but I’m unfettered for the most part by being all the things he said. He trudges around with white trash and adorns himself with nipple jewelry at the age of 49 after he doffs his suit at the end of the day! (After a lifetime of no such fine jewels.) Holy shit he’s smearing himself and I look like a human next to his camp of drunken middle aged losers. Who is laughing now. I’ve never seen such a shit show. I’ve been impacted by this shit before and not just my ex but woman are horrible for this too.
Oh God they are. Terrible.
Smearing is inelegant but it is effective. Like an Iron Maiden.
Renarde—I especially love how we always seem to be bipolar alcoholics. The creativity is lacking. Honestly though I’ve been most impacted by women. The jealousy seems to ignite the behavior whether it stems from sports, academics, who I’ve been dating (in years past) that they wanted or whatever horse shit propels the nonsense. I’ve started to have talks with my girls about this stuff because it’s real and it happens a lot. (The younger ones are 11 and 13) Since finding HG’s work and the mystery is unraveling it really hits less for me but they are just coming into all of this and it’s not going away.
You speak wisdom.. keep on speaking it x
Bipolar. Hmm. The LV I once had the extraordinary misfortune to ‘couple’ with three the exact same insult to me. In fact he said I was bipolar so many times I said ‘ fine’. Let’s both go the Drs and well get me checked out. I’ve nothing to hide. If in I’ll, I’m I’ll. He stopped using that one.
He also used to call his ex. The same. He was frightful. She had it far far worse than me. Must have lost a great deal of money over the 14 years they were together. Hed told her he would never marry. I was ashamed that hed asked me. That must have hurt her. I wish I could tell her it meant fuck all and it was only a way of him keeping control.
The other phrase is ‘bitch’. Did you see that thread day before where that troll rails in? Accused HG of making the ‘Letters to’ up. Intrigued I was! Pretty sure that was a knuckledragger.
Which thread? I would like to see it. I think I was a bitch too but bipolar was his favorite. It was always in response to his crazy behavior.
I’ll dig it out. It’s a corker.
No and it’s getting worse. Well done on educating your daughters. Kudos.
I also agree that females are by far the worse. Due to their hormones and general femaleness, they can mimic affective empathy with a greater degree of precision then a male could do of the same school.
Personally, I’m really intrigued by female Greaters atm. I’m pretty sure I had one as a boss. You know, she was OK. Very organised. Brilliant Cambridge mind. Materials Science.
Curiously asexual. Would say daft things like children need their mother but then juxtaposed it with my children only became interesting when they started to speak.
She delivered this in a tone which was not callous or uncaring. She was speaking her mind. I get her words, the very young are difficult, no doubt about that. But personally, the minute I popped my two out I already knew I was in love with them.
They were already interesting by virtue of the fact they were so beautiful to me. I cherished and wrote about every milestone. They are not a reflection on me, they are themselves.
I despair of our sex at times.
I appreciate the thought that women can mimic affective empathy with a greater degree of precision. Makes sense.
Its utterly frightening.
You knows I love the Tudor. I do wish he would talk more about the F -F dynamic. However, I understand that this cannot be part of his dynamic by virtue of the fact he is male and not privy to how we talk.
Still. It needs to be written.
It is narcissism that is the topic, not sapphic desires.
When I referred to F-F I meant platonic female relationships such as mother- daughter, friend, coworker, subordinate, boss etc.. most females interact through these avenues.
Mind you. I did once have a funny turn in front of a magnificent painting of Sappho in Manchester. And no, not that way.
I looked at that picture, felt such guilt (and grief) that I was breaking up my family and did it anyway. Never regret that.
I remain boringly and very frustratingly straight. Damn.
Hot, isnt it?
Thank you for the clarification. The narcissist operates through these avenues, to focus on gender is to lose sight of what is at work. It is the narcissist which one needs to focus on.
I appreciate your words and I do keep that in mind.
I guess there are no fundamental differences between the genders although…I dunno. The women bother me.
Incidentally talking about gender and NPD. Did you know that when people going for the psychiatric evaluations for gender reassignment, nearly 50% (!) have NPD.
You are welcome Renarde.
I understand how the women will bother you, but that is part of the way your ET locks on to that aspect for you as an individual in order to complete some form of engagement from you. By looking at it as “narcissist” rather than man, women etc, you are focussed on the logic.
I was unaware of that fact.
Ok. Well that is interesting. I’m aware I have my blind spots. I do appreciate them being highlighted to me. Thank you.
And yes. It’s a shocking stat that, isnt it? It now does make far more sense of what’s going on in our world. How moderates such as myself (believing in equality for everyone) will fall to the wayside . Our rights trampled upon. These are very dangerous times for my sex.
I’m taking your point on board.
Jolly good.
HG…in addition to my previous comment.
You knows I love you and your work. I hope that isn’t in dispute. This will be a mild rebuke. I hope your arse can stand it?
Based on no evidence whatsoever, you assumed I was talking about female sexy times. I can assure you Sir, when I wrote that comment I was thinking of that bitch of a so-called friend of mine.
In assuming a sexual angle you may well have proved my point that it is the females in charge. Females, largely, do not think that way (WRT sex). That is what gives us the advantage. We are not chained to our desires. Females Emps are chained to love but female Greaters? Nothing chains them. You’d never get a female G writing SATN. It would be this.
Went into a room.
Had sex.
Left.
The End.
Believe me, I am probably just as unhappy about this turn of events as you are. At least I know where I stand with the males.
What lever do you have over a person who does not love or desires intimacy for it’s own sake? You have fuck all.
Apologies for straightness but I do think it needed to be said.
X
Thank the stars there are so few of them.
I know you admire my work Renarde and I know that you contribute in a constructive fashion.
What leverage do you have? It is called no contact.
Second time.
Agreed totally. But are we, the Empaths, also falling into the more widely celebrated trap of the ‘Three Wise Monkies?’
There to my mind are two levels. The interpersonal level where we, as you say, kick out the narc through GOSO and NC. But what happens then?
There are few people to bear witness to our own pain. When we speak out, our words are shunned and ignored.
But yet, the entire of society is screaming out for this information. So why are we ignored?
The second level is of course bringing awareness. You are doing this in spades. I want to do this too.
I’m finding it increasingly hard to get the message out. I feel like I’m fighting the narcs on one hand whilst fighting off vitriol which is also poured my way from my own kind.
No hes lovely. Just misguided. Bad upbringing etc. I can save him from himself. I just need help and support for him to continue his abuse of me.
Society obliges. As always.
What is the solution, HG? Cos right now im fucked if I can see it.
Renarde
I am strategic in how I am going about relaying the information.
I have spoken to many who deal with domestic violence I bring up the subject in ways to capture their interests and use HGs work to shine a different light on what they are dealing with.
I have been asked to speak to those dealing with PTSD and the use of essential oils, you can bet I will be interacting with those that have dealt with some form of narcissistic abuse, I will be telling my story. I always capture the emotions of those who relate to what I have been through from there I open the door to showing the path here.
At work I come in contact with many who have been affected by narcissism and educate there.
Slow process definitely yet after 2 years I am seeing the seeds that were plants sprouting and growing.
I will say discernment is needed, the narcissist doesn’t listen yet normals and especially the Empath do listen, anything can be used as a weapon and used to defend.
Well. You sound bloody fantastic. I’m really looking forward to hearing your insights x
I think he may know how women talk!
I think he does too.
Indeed. It’s a truism that the female of the species is far more deadly than the males.
Psst and please dont tell HG this. I’m of a mind that it really is the women that control the world. I mean at a really high level. The top. I think this might be because female Gs dont appreciate the love and intimacy that sex brings. Its mechanical for them. A need. Once satisfied; it’s over.
That makes them so especially dangerous in a world that is governed by sex.
Think of this. PN taught me this. If you control a drug, the very last thing you should be is addicted to that drug yourself.
No, they do not. There is no evidence to support that.
Hey PSE
This appears to be a difficult and complex situation. I’m not fully sure that continually moving around is helping you much here as you seem to be always coming across the coterie.
Renarde. It all is becoming surreal at this point. I can not process my thoughts about all this that well.
I’m sure it does feel surreal. Have you consulted HG on this?
Renarde: On this new dynamic of the appearing coterie? No. Not yet. This has just started happening in the past month or so. First, there was one, and then there was 2 and now there is three, after yesterday. I feel so tired. It reminds me of those horror movie endings, when you have watched the entire 2 hour movie, and you think the threat has finally been put down, and you sigh in relief, and then just as you calm down and start reflecting on the hard won victory, a hand reaches out from the ground and grabs your leg. The End.
Well missus…you fucking spotted it!!!
I know its tiring. Its impacting your energy. You are not free to go about your business as you would wish.
These people are flies. Input up fly paper. It works.
They are nowhere near the depth of character you are displaying here
I sense that. I take it narc ex was a partner but not a very significant one. Is that right?
Renarde: I was a NIPSS for a man in the workplace. A very social type of family environment. Not his employee nor his girlfriend. I have all the angst of the entanglement and I had none of the `glamour.` For 3 years. I fell into infatuation with him, and a weird addiction, and I had to remove myself, because I became emotionally ill with longing for him and at the same time constantly debating with his 4 malign Lieutenants that feared that I would at some point become intimately involved with him. 3 long years of this. But I l slowly removed myself from that place and all the intertwined people both malign people and friends there. I have been away around 6 months at this point. I just told them all that I was ill. I had to change my gym location as well, because a lot of us worked out at the same location near the workplace. Very incestuous, so to speak.
Oh and OUCH! Once, many years ago, I found myself in precisely the same situation. There was just something about HIM.
Looking back on that period, I found the attention flattering and of course, we talked about all sorts. He was very good company on those 12 hr shifts.
It made me think about the marriage I was in. That going into a weekend shift was not the best for our relationship, despite the extra money. He (the narc) never touched me nor did I make my intentions clear in a verbal fashion. But they were there. In spades.
I got pregnant with my third child (I’d had two miscarriages) and I left the shift. Went to weekdays. Had my baby.
An extraordinary thing happened though. My boss, who I believe had strong empathic traits, tried to get me alone to tell me something. He had already handed his notice in. I was about to go on mat leave. Very close to Christmas.
I was big, heavy and tired and pressed for time because it was yours truly holding the show together. I regret to this day that I couldnt have squeezed an hour of my time to hear him out.
No idea what he was going to say but my Contagion leads me to believe it was about the management structure and how it had impacted me.
Anyway, the point is. A man who spans the who gamut of New Relationship Energy or Limerance without actually marking his card is a narc attempting to see if the seduction hoover will work.
When it obviously hasn’t in your case, they keep those strings dangling.
You were deemed as ‘failed’ because you have not responded in the way he wanted. This us good. See it as a positive.
You were too big, you Whale you!
Flip it PSE. Flip what you know and see the truth.
Now, does that not add a feather to your cap???
Renarde: It is addiction, I found out when I came over to Narcsite to find out what was wrong with me. The NIPSS entanglement can go on for a lifetime, probably. I could have wasted more that 3 years for that dangling. And, even if more would have happened, it would have been probably more emotionally harmful, than being a NIPSS, Also, in cases such as his, Intimate Partners are easier to acquire, He is somewhat Somatic. (I asked HG once if the Narcississt were about 60 percent cerebral and 40 percent somatic, and HG said he it sounds like an elite), and it it somewhat easier for him to gather Lieutenants, than genuine friends that liked him, such as I was, facade and all, without being troublemakers. Unless Lieutenants of Narcissists usually like making trouble. Now that is a thought! hmmmmm…. He also has a vast coterie of great people, but they truly only see the facade. But, he was pleased with having me as a NIPSS, so it was not a loss for him, in the grand scheme of his survival. But, it is not my destiny, I see, to be his NIPSS for longer than those 3 years, the last 2 being very difficult. because his 4 malign Lieutenants taunted me a lot when he was not around: They all 3 were, or at least felt, trapped in their own lives and said so, except for 1, a female Somatic. All that exhausted me. I fell ill from it all. For you, Renarde: The workplace is dangerous especially if one is already in a relationship like you were: There are no fights, you see each other usually fresh, dressed and ready to impress. It is not a real relationship with people that would include all the usual inconveniences to mar the fantasy. Renarde, at some point, My Health came to the forefront and jumped in front of my Emotional Thinking and told my reclining Logic that It would have to shoot it, my Health, to continue with the Narcississt. My vacationing logic thought about this and sighed and finally decided that it would have to come back and take charge and that my Health was more important than pining for the Narcississt, and my Logic put down the gun and did not shoot my Health. That is what happened. My Emotional thinking is in shocked disbelief over this entire stealthy removal from the Narcissist. That feather goes somewhere in there. My Health forced the choice to remove myself from the Narcississt or to become even more emotionally ill and exhausted. If I were to find my ideal relationship in the future, I would not work around other men, if I could help it. I rather all my feminine focus be on my own man, and that I had my own business, even though I would trust myself to be loyal. However, this workplace stuff causes many problems from what I read on here, and even in my own case, and yours. Although, in my case, I only harmed and alienated my affections from my own self. I was not in a relationship at the time, when I met the Narcissist. And, I am not looking for one either, at this point.
Dearest HG: It makes us suspicious, also. I ran into a pleasant coterie member today at the gym branch that I removed myself to, and I do not know if I have been smeared to her, and I wonder if she will report back that she saw me today at this gym and she said she will also be visiting this same gym next week. I told her that this gym is near my apt. as she knows my general address, so adding that to the fact that the word to all is that I am ill, I hope seems logical to her. But she acted like she did not hear me when I said this gym is 3 blocks from my apartment and that my Doctor doesn’t want me running around the city yet. She sort of ignored that info and did tell me I need to come back around because so many people are asking for me, and for some reason she said that the Narcississt misses me, but there is no way I think she could know that or not. But she understands that I have to get well first, she said, at end, only after I did not budge about going back to the other location. But, I felt a bit suspicious. She seemed to me to have extra energy about herself in seeing me and talking to me, as if she now has news to report back. I feel suspicious that she is going to tell 2 of the 4 Lieutenants of the Narcississt that she is friends with, as well as the Narcissist himself that she knows where I am and how I am doing and how I am looking, healthwise. I think the idea of possibly being smeared makes one suspicious. I am not normally an overly suspicious person. I am now up to 3 people already from the original gym location to this location that I removed myself to, that are acquainted with the Narcissist, after all the hard work I have done to remove myself: The Weasel, the Somatic that acts like I am his familiar friend, and now this pleasant coterie member. This pleasant coterie member worries me the most. She seemed very hyped up to see me. As if she had made a discovery. If this keeps up, I may have to consider joining another gym that I once belonged to, that none of them are members. I never realized NYC could be so small. A very small city at times, indeed.