A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 105

Hello Narc One, Two and Three: 

Starting with you … mom you quickly and happily gave me to grandma to raise because I was “too dark” and “ugly”.   It took me a lifetime to realize you were hiding the shame of not knowing who my dad was. You were a mid-range/religion narc and admitted your mental illness close to your death bed.  Often boasting prior about how you controlled your children with religion wielding it like a weapon. Cutting us off at the knees choosing one child above the other rotating in and out of favor and devaluation periods so painful it drove us each to therapy and the brink of suicide.  You received a great deal of pleasure knowing you inflicted pain. I remember the times when you would walk away from a difficult conversation and slam the door in the face of whom ever you deemed unworthy. The scowl on your face as we came to visit you in the mental clinic and the whisper of “aren’t you concerned” as you grew closer to your last breath.   This event was the final as you physically assaulted a nurse. They injected you with medication to sedate you and you never recovered. You lay there in your hospital bed lifeless … mouth wide open. As we all stood numb from the last year of consent care as you suffered with cancer… beaconing, ordering, commanding, pouting, holding court, talking badly about each one of us to the church and anyone who would listen.  We made sure you were well taken care of and never had to want for anything. Too vain to wear your oxygen, too afraid to dye. Now your gone. Your ashes remain the cardboard box in your oldest sons’ basement… there you are. Karma served up cold.. after all no one was invited to spreading of Dad’s ashes, you took it upon yourself to spread them close to the opening of the septic tank… taking him out like garbage.   You became the standard/the bar who formed me … always wanting your acceptance. Tap dancing through life and delivering your grandchildren on a silver platter. Trying my best to get a genuine emotional discussion, a hug or a scrap from your table. Achieving goals that you would dash to pieces. And the comments about how awful my jeans look, my hair too curly… my teeth too white? I could go on… but you don’t. While others post on social media how the miss their mom and how they would give anything to talk to her again…   I sigh and wonder what that must be like? I’m so glad your gone. Your toxic miserable being… who sucked the life out of her own children.   

Narc two…   What can I say?  Husband? Timing?    You seemed like a nice guy.   We became friends and I thought it was okay because you were accomplished and kind.  20 years of neglect and manipulation so refined and stealth, I’m still struggling to figure it out.  Are you a greater narc and/or a religion narc? Physical intimacy was initiated by you ONCE after you read the DaVinci Code something with believing “sex with a woman was the only true way to reach God”.  But I still wonder if you are bisexual. Many affairs…. one during and after our 2nd born.    The neglect was severe to the point of seldom having an adult conversation.   I was blessed to be able to raise our two beautiful sons. I didn’t want them to hurt or want for anything so….   I stayed with you for 20 years while you held executive jobs around the country, however, the truth was you were following your main supply unidentified and unknown to me.  How foolish I felt when our youngest was the one who figured it out… only after you manipulated him into leaving me and living with you. Now I’m helping him recover and enter the world after 6 years of neglect.   You let him set and rot in his room. He’s unable to drive a car and hasn’t experienced anything. My heart breaks … you used him as a tool. I can’t put into words what you did to me because I haven’t processed it…   yet. The turning point? When you came to live with us after a long few years living in California. Remember when you turned to me and said you “wished marriage contracts would expire like the NFL teams”? when I asked for clarification you told me “act like an NFL player on waivers” ….   I had no idea what that meant and when you told me to “find a better deal” it physically made me sick. Heartbroken. I knew it was time to prepare for leaving and divorce. And when I made it… and you moved to the next destination of following the main supply “Winnie” there was peace. UNTIL…  

Narc three…       Lower Narc…. I fell prey to you so quickly.   I was madly in love. Still difficult to process.    My heart… One year has passed since you sent a text message asking me to never contact you again, ending a 6-year marriage by text at 60 years of age, you’re an old man trying so hard to hang on to your last dreadlock.    The fuel you gained must have been massive because my heart and soul shattered bringing me to a depth impossible to explain, every cell imploding draining me of the ability to feel anything except bone crushing pain. Wishing I would die as I was laid off my job the same exact day as you hopped a flight to Columbia (probably hoping to pay for sex…  yes, your you-tube accounts show your history) with unsuspecting athletes/coaches, a position you were granted through me. The job that was god sent after you sent my home into foreclosure and took me off personal and business bank accounts leaving me nothing. How could you have done this? I welcomed you with open arms into a small community, beautiful family, elite career, nice home.  I lost it all … including part of my retirement used to start your medical practice. The practice that hangs in a balance now that one of your patients committed suicide .. rightfully so, your racial militant comments about which color of skin has it worse drove him over the brink. Killing himself in front of his child. The anger and furry you extend to all increased after your heart attack Christmas day as you lay in bed doing nothing.    Anger born out of ego spewing your demonic foul stench. Blaming me for your heart attack and accusing me of everything from cheating to not loving you as much as God. As you smashed mementos, took pictures out of frames tore them and threw them away I franticly reached to protect what was left, you pushed me into the floor and stood above calling me “white privileged bitch” ending in broken ribs… a first of physical assault primed by your statements of I “should have been hit before” as you bumped me with your fat belly. Confused as I grappled with what was wrong with me looking up new words and their definitions: “gaslighting”, “flying monkeys”, “devaluing stage”… “narc”:  what is narc? WHAT IS NARC? Checking websites for lists of identifying marks of a “narcissist” reading them over and over hoping I was wrong. Spending money on therapy and writing letters to the Narc Detector… the smell of desperation announced my every text, call and breath to everyone and everything. Drowning in my own disbelief, shame, embarrassment combined with the smear campaign you effectively conducted, collusion with my late mom, ex-husband, the church community (patients that come to your medical practice). What’s left? My son’s … they lived this with me, the worst feeling in the world to have been the avenue in which they felt stress, devalued and unloved.  You pretended to be so interested in them prior to our marriage, I saw you as the perfect mentor (didn’t know about your addictions and substance abuse). The minute you walked in our lives it was your mission to make them so uncomfortable in their own home that they would leave, including stealing things from their rooms (that’s why I put locks on their bedroom doors). Your language completely changed, and it was embarrassing to hear you use profanity in front of them. Shocked is the only thing that comes to mind. Your mask dropping … jealous of my two sons, raging over any success they had and making sure it ended. After all your son is the spitting image of you…. you can’t except your absence in his life blaming your ex for abducting him. The story you told me along with how you put her through dental school while you put your life on hold.  Both lies of many. Where does this end? Karma once again has allowed me to see your life unraveling as you live out of your office while trying to salvage your practice. I don’t wish you the pain you’ve caused me. I don’t wish you anything. Realizing I’ll always be in love with who I imagined you to be…  

My three narcs…   A life of not understanding your species born of physical bodies and demon spirit.   I go through life completely changed … closed and frozen. I crawl mentally and force myself out of bed on days that I want to stop breathing.  I no longer have interest in anything… I go to work, feed my adult children, fill up the car with gas. After all family, friends, community see me in the light you painted.     I don’t care if you gain fuel and feel happy from your damage. I don’t care about anything.  

 I pray for God to stop this anguish on earth that has affected many …  

Your Daughter

Your Ex Wife x2