I Want

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What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides you. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

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17 Comments

  1. It has been awhile sense I last read this one……reminds me of the power I “felt” he was feeling. Intoxicating in a dark way.

    I had to step back and regain who I am…..an empaths addiction to the narcissist combine with absorbing the narcissist addiction to power……I may never become a narcissist yet my own traits when they surface add this factor into things…..I am no angel yet one who brings ones personal hell to the fore.

  2. You might be a narcissist if..

    Isn’t it odd that parents only “forget” and leave their children in cars in the hot summer? They don’t seem to “forget” their kids in the Spring, Fall, or even Winter.

    I never forgot even my tiny quiet chihuahua’s, how do you forget something you just carried for nine months, that you diaper and feed, tiptoe around when they’re napping every hour of the day and night? Their “remorse” at forgetting them is excuses, not guilt.

  3. I could HEAR the narc’s voice in your words. All of it. I’m not in Kansas anymore, HG.
    Thank you for reminding me!

      1. Your thoughts make me want to challenge you in a way…in the bedroom and out….that’s my darkside
        Messin with u for fun…traumabonds so fun

  4. So after me doing the leaving, not telling him why, and then blindsiding him by having charges laid against him, (he thought I never had the guts) going no contact for over 2 years now, I don’t even fathom he would ever try again.

    1. If you pay by instalments the interest rate will make your eyes water or is that the devaluation that does that? Maybe both.

    2. Today I’ ve lost. I knew I was playing with fire but I thought I would be able to get away with it unharmed. I had been reading all of HG’s material so what would possibly go wrong? “I can handle it. I can get into the wolf’s mouth and get out in one piece”, I believed. But you can never win a battle in the Narc’s battllefield, can you? I should have remembered that because I had also been warned about that by HG ‘s posts. But here I am heart broken once again, after 5 years of zero contact, I fell into another hoovering last March, started devaluation a month ago and got my discard today. How silly and frustrated I feel of having thrown 5 years of zero contact down the drain! I cry while I write this down. Tomorrow I start all the process over again. Any piece of advice? Thanks in advance

      1. Recommence no contact, if you have been disengaged you have a head start. I also recommend that you organise a consultation.

  5. Wow this is twisted it’s hard to believe that anyone would want this even though I have had the experience many times I will never truly understand this but I am definitely learning to accept that they cannot control this and it only gets worse when I have them back in my life thanks HG 🙏

  6. Nightmare! I haven’t read that article in a while. I felt the seething evil. Cold chills, HG. Some scary shit there. Thank you for the reminder.

        1. MB—don’t you ever feel a bit savage? I do—it just disappears quickly! It doesn’t have the thrust of longevity.

    1. They are not all evil. HG is, but your garden variety narcissist is not. Those are unaware and not deliberately abusing you or wanting you to be scared. The average narcissist is living his disorder without knowing it.

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