Why Haven’t I Heard From The Narcissist?
The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded. Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we discarded you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?
When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or discard there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –
- If you have been discarded and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we discarded you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your replacement will be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
- If you discarded us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
- Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
- Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
- Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.
Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.
- If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
- We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
- We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
- The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.
In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.
Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.
In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.
There are three points to bear in mind.
The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.
The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.
The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.
Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,
“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”
11 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From The Narcissist?”
I was grade A fuel. I have a master degree, I’m a good looking and talented, hard worker. My narcissist was my boss. He wanted to sleep with me, I declined. We worked great together which he admitted. We connected intellectually, emotionally, but he never gave me recognition or showed one ounce of appreciation. So I cordially left him. Do you think he’ll ask me to come back to work for him? Curious. Also what happened to you that you are so damn selfish? My boss was selfish too. Thanks.
I need more information to assess the likelihood of him asking you to come back to work for him. I recommend you organise a consultation so you can furnish me with the detail.
I’ve been asking myself that question for 4 months.after many failed attempts to escape that was the biggest punishment he could give me.
i know that i shouldn’t look but i realized that his ipps started to sharing his smiling photos again (2 photos in 10 days, after 4 months silent) my friends say that he did it to provoke me -because i didn’t do anything for 2 months, even in his birthday and ipps’s instagram was one of the important argument topic for us –
he didn’t unblock me, not even once. he didn’t login in our messenger app. he doesn’t seem to want me.
can my friends be right? Does it have anything to do with me?
It’s so confusing how they all operate so differently. I’ve been significantly entangled with three narcissists in my life. #1 would hoover me every few months, like clockwork. With #3, I had to get the police involved to make him leave me alone. I was deeply, madly in love with #2, and ironically he is the one who has never come back. It’s been nearly four years since he discarded me. It hurts me every day because if he was content to never speak to me again, I must never have meant anything to him, even though he was my everything. I still think of him and miss him very day. But then I remember I was entangled with a narcissist, so of course I never meant anything to him.
For those of you who don’t believe that you will hear from the narcissist again….
I just heard from mine after 10 months of total silence. Pay attention to HG’s advice in other articles where he warns us not to get complacent, assuming they’ll never contact you again because I am living proof that if they can contact you, they will (if they feel like it).
I set up a new Facebook account after being hacked in my usual one. Didn’t think to block him, even after Facebook kindly suggested we might like to be friends. We’d had zero contact for the best part of a year, so why bother? Unfortunately for me, while laughing at his new profile picture and swiping past it on the friend suggestion list, I must have accidentally hit the “add friend” button, because a couple of hours later I received a message from him admonishing me for my inappropriate friend request. Obviously he had no need to send that message. If the request offended him so much then he could have simply declined it or blocked me. I guess he just needed a quick blast of fuel.
Your honesty is to be lauded. HG approves.
Thank you HG, but you’ll probably be disappointed to hear that I responded to his message, and the two more that followed. With each response though I made it politely clear I wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation and he gave up pretty quickly.
Whatever you do, don’t fall for the Narcissist own fake “no contact”. If your narcissist is anything like my ex, he will pretend that your communication is offensive, but try to trap you into engagement. If he has new supply, he may even call the police on you to present you are the “crazy one”.
Thank you. He refused to believe the friend request was accidental, though it was – I have no wish to be friends in any sense. I’m hoping that my responses to his messages made it clear to him that I have no desire for contact. I have the messages saved in case he does contact the police.
He had been with his new partner for over a year now so no doubt she is sick of hearing about how crazy I am! I was certainly sick of hearing all about my predecessor!
You are right. Narcissists will hoover after *several years* if they have the chance to do it. Sometimes you do not necessarily have to do something for this to happen. It could be something happening like an event in the news that reminds them of their victim. If they find a way to hoover, they will do it, even if this is benign and they can only get Thought Fuel from it.
It is also quite naïve to think that they have only one FB account.
Depending on the activity, I prefer to use non-touch devices to avoid accidental clicks.