Does The Narcissist Think About The Disengaged IPPS?


I know that when I have disengaged from you that you will think of me more than anything else. This is all by design – be it instinctive (Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist) or calculated (Greater Narcissist).

Your mind becomes a whirling thought engine as the questions loom and dart about your mind like swooping spirits. Why did he do this? What did I do wrong? Where has he gone? Why won’t he talk to me? Is he with someone else now? How could he treat me like this? These questions and many of a similar nature remain at the forefront of your mind. They are exhausting as you grapple to find the answers, always achieving an unsuccessful outcome because invariably you do not know who has actually disengaged from you.

I cast you to one side, you did not leave me and cause me to apply an Initial Grand Hoover in order to bring you back under my spell. I saw no need for you anymore and therefore I was content to throw you on the scrap  heap, broken and spent, a broken appliance left to its own considerations and dwelling heavily on this cruel treatment.

One of the questions which charges around your mind as you try to sleep is does he think about me? Do I ever feature in his thoughts? Does he think about what I am doing? Does he recall the good times?  You wonder whether I am lying on my bed in a similar state of anxiety, mulling over what has happening. Your thoughts spill and tumble and whilst you want to dispel these memories you cannot help but want to embrace them, experiencing that bitter sweet sensation of both delight and agony –  of course this is being driven by your emotional thinking which is wanting to feed your addiction to me.

You try to get into a comfortable position hoping that slumber will soon drag you into unconsciousness so that the pain will evaporate, if just for a few hours. Yet, even the place you now lie in evokes the image of you and I coupled together, wrapped up in one another as we made love through the night, or at least you felt we made love. Did we actually make love to one another? Did I really love you? You know you loved me, indeed you still do, but what of me?

Yet again a question leaps into your mind. I am everywhere. You consider whether I think about the treatment that you have received and do I feel guilty for behaving that way? Do I have a reason for hurling you to one side so callously and am I wondering whether you are all right? Your truth seeking empathic trait is being seized on and corrupted by your emotional thinking. It drives you to want answers and you are left believing that such a driver is logical and should be addressed. It keeps the thought of me in your head, going round and round, question after question, ensuring that your emotional thinking is alive and surging.

Just as you hold onto the precious memories of the golden period you wonder whether I am similarly replaying them through my mind, recalling the wonderful times, the delicious things we did together. You can summon it all in such detail. The places we went to, the other people there, what day of the week it was, even the exact date. You remember what we wore, what we ate and what was said as the memories tumble through head. As the clock shows it is now closer to morning than it was to the evening, you wonder whether I am thinking about you in a similar fashion?

While you toss and turn in your bed which resembles a place to be endured rather than a place of comfort, I am fast asleep. From the moment my head touched the pillow I fell asleep free from thoughts about you. No imp sits on my shoulder jabbing me with a precious memory and keeping me from sleeping. Whilst you ruminate, cogitate, fathom and review, I am oblivious to everything. During my waking hours you do not invade my consciousness. There is too much to be done, too much fuel to extract as I deal with looking after and nurturing the new primary source of my fuel which replaced you. You have been deleted because you failed me (at least in my mind that is the case) and therefore you have erased from the record. The narcissism demands that. You are of no use to me and therefore you are erased, deleted, removed and wiped away.

Truth be told it was more of an overlap with both you and her supplying me fuel until the old stale trickle was switched off and dumped. In my mind you never existed. My fixation with the new prospect and her golden, delicious, potent fuel means that everything is focussed on her. Her seduction and the maintenance of supply dominates my mind save when I am extracting my fuel from the range of supplementary sources that I interact with throughout the day. I may drink from the mug you once bought me to recognise I support a particular football team but there is no flicker of recognition about you. I do not halt, cup in hand, halfway to my mouth and smile at that trip to the stadium when you insisted on buying half the contents in order to please me. It is just a mug to me but the tea contained in it and prepared by my new prospect is delicious and I tell her so. Her beaming smile provides me with that dollop of fuel as expected. To me it is just a mug bearing the crest of my football team. The link you had to that piece of ceramic has been severed and cast into the abyss. The narcissism demands that must be the case – your replacement governs our thoughts and actions now and therefore there is no need to be reminded of you, that is redundant and as effective and efficient machines, we reject the redundant, jettison the unnecessary and remove the failed.

I may still wear the jumper you bought me but I never consider that weekend away in the highlands when I complained about being cold so you purchased it for me. I may walk past someone who wears the same fragrance as you. I do not remember you as I smell it, not the way you remember me when you smell my cologne and you remember me next to you and that emptiness washes over you once again. I just think that it is a pleasant scent and carry on walking by. It is as if I have pressed delete and you have been erased. You never existed, your thoughts, words and actions all melt away. Your connections to me are severed, your presence eradicated and your memory denied. I have switched off that appliance and everything associated with it has been obliterated. We do not think of you because at this point we have no need to think of you. You serve no purpose to us and therefore remembering you and I is a redundant exercise and a waste of our time and energy. We must not waste anything and thus the instinctive impact of our narcissism ensures you are not thought of.

When we have disengaged from you and we have done so because we have a new Intimate Partner Primary Source we do not think about you. If you enter our spheres of influence by messaging us, ringing us, walking by us or even coming to see us, you can expect at best a cold and polite short moment of recognition before we move on and at worst a malign response to send you away in hurt and pain. You failed us – we no longer want or need you. You have been replaced and therefore you are stricken from our thoughts and should you ever invade our sphere of influences in another way, we maintain this rejection of you.

However, once the new IPPS enters devaluation (and this person will – that is a guarantee – it is just a question of time) well, then you become useful to us once again and our narcissism alters the record once again. This time you will be remembered, although if truth be told you ought to prefer that you remain cast into obscurity because in all likelihood we will be coming back for you in some form of other to draw again on our investment, to seize our property once again but solely for our benefit.


34 thoughts on “Does The Narcissist Think About The Disengaged IPPS?

  1. Hi HG,

    Painful to read, but helpful. Thank you!

    So….once the primary is in devalue again and you are about to persue us once again…
    Are you thinking of us then?
    Does the mug remind you of us then?
    Are you then mulling over our shared memories and trying to figure out which method will get you back in?
    Are your thoughts preoccupied with us then?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If the IPPS is in devaluation, this increases the risk of a hoover with regard to other appliances. It does not mean we automatically think about you.
      If the mug reminds us of you, that is a Hoover Trigger and because the current IPPS is in devaluation, this means that (all else being equal) you are at an increased risk of the Hoover Execution Criteria being met.

      1. My questions were not worded well.

        I mean, if my narc is about to come back because criteria is met and there has been a Hoover trigger….am I then on his mind? He is then thinking of which way to get back in with me?

        He knows, that I know what he is….so once a trigger and criteria is right, do I occupy his thoughts as he evaluates the best way to get back in with me?

        Does he then remember our times together to get a sense of what will appeal to me the most?

        If he is coming back, does he think of me at that time?

        Or am I just a knee jerk reaction with no pre thought?

        Does he sit deep in thought of which tactics to use against me or it is a fast and impulsive action with no thought?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If there is a Hoover Trigger, you are on the mind of the narcissist. Most narcissists will not sit plotting of ways to get back with you, it is instinctive.

          It all depends on what school of narcissist you are dealing with as to how he responds, but the vast majority will act in an instinctive fashion, a small amount will apply instinctive planning and a smaller amount still will use calculation.

          1. Thank you HG!

            It is good to know that.

            Sometimes my mind creates a picture of him, with pure hate for me, plotting and planning retaliation against me.

            It’s a scary thought train to be on, but it’s good to know that it’s not really like that.

            Your answer was helpful and much appreciated!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

  2. Abigail says:

    This is one aspect of narcissism I am jealous of. I wish I would just delete and move on like that.

  3. SMH says:

    Isn’t this similar to shelving for an IPSS, HG? Isn’t shelving just a series of disengagements and hoovers?

    MRN once said apropos of nothing that he thought about me when we were not together. I said that I knew he did because at the time I believed he returned because he was thinking of me. Idiotic, I know. But that’s what I believed!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Shelving is not disengagement.

  4. lucialovescarmine says:

    HG, It is so hard to believe that I am just deleted from his memories when he has such an extraordinary knack for remembering every detail of everything we have ever done and loves to recollect those memories. I actually have a horrible memory and sometimes vaguely remember all of our 6 year history.

    I just cannot understand how a human being can turn off their memories so efficiently and control their minds, so robotically, as to not remember anything about us, especially when queued by an object or physical reminder? HG, How?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is called narcissism. You are imposing your worldview on the situation, that is why you struggle to understand. You think we are thinking and acting as you would. We do not. We do not look at the world like you.

      1. lucialovescarmine says:

        HG, Thank you so much. I truly am trying to get it. I know what he is, but you are completely right, my view is skewing perception of the reality. I’ve started the battle but he keeps winning. I’m preparing myself, albeit slowly, to fight. I plan on
        winning the war.

      2. lucialovescarmine says:

        HG, thank you very much. You are completely right, my views are making it very hard to understand. I am slowly preparing for the battles, as it really is a battle not only against him, but myself and everything I know or thought I knew. But I vow to win the war.

  5. blackunicorn123 says:

    I wonder, as Empaths, whether we “sense” this deletion in its entirety (in addition to the narc showing us the deletion by their actions)., which is why it is so painful. I know there is the physical withdrawal from the addiction to contend with too, but at times, there seemed to be another layer to it. It seemed greater than grief at some points. I can’t really explain it very well so apologies for the babbling!!

    1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      BU123. I think that many of us believe in a bit of good fortune. I personally was very bored with my life when I encountered the Narcissist. He seemed to have so much life. And room for others to join in. I wanted to just leap into it and follow it and be a part of it. I thought he could fit me in to what looked like his large life. But, I deluded myself into believing in what I know now is some sort of survival mechanism, that would have no true love nor desire for me, the moment that I was not providing for the primary aims, in some way. But, because I was a workplace NIPSS, and thus never really finding myself on his bad side, I could not see all of this. However, my emotional thinking promised my logic that the Narcissist was the precise answer to my ongoing well being. But, it could not be in the way that I wanted and I understood all this over time. Now, I am back to square one after 3 years, and life seems even more boring again, as an adult. It is up to me to find a way to make my life more exciting. I wanted the easy ride, and ended up in a bad place. I think the Narcissist vibrates and magnetizes like a living escape from reality. A living pain killer, and a living bad memory eraser and a living vacation. A living movie. A living drug. AT FIRST. That is how I felt before I started falling ill within his particular world which included his 4 malign lieutenants and his large coterie and all of the dynamic of the Narcissism and the games that were always being played with all of these people within his particular Narcissistic world. I had to remove myself to stop becoming more and more emotionally and psychologically ill. Only I knew I was falling ill from it all. I hid it from them all. Then, I left. My emotional thinking deceived me, and now I have to pick up the pieces of my own world, after I removed myself from his world. The odd lure of the Narcissist. The promise of a more fulfilling world and life. And we wished to be a character in his film. A happy character though. So, we went to another world, the world of the Narcississt, and now we are back to our own world. Plop. Once Again. With added baggage though: Now we are both bored and disoriented. Major jet lagged. Culture shocked. We have to make our own selves happy and exciting. I am understanding this responsibility to ourselves more now. However, it is somewhat a daunting task more than ever before. In this modern world, it is much easier to find bad activities that are fun and unhealthy than it is to find good activities that are fun and healthy. It is said that one out of seven Americans are on drugs, both legal and illegal, to get through their lives.

      1. njfilly says:


        I agree with your comment. Very good points throughout. I particularly like “Narcissist vibrates and magnetizes like a living escape from reality”. That is how I feel about Mr. HG Tudor. Dysfunctional ET I realize. Lucky for me he does not live in NJ.

        My own narcissist was easy to leave. My own personality and life contains much more than his ever will. At the end I said to him “You already are all that you can be, and you already have all that you will ever have”, which I said with anger and contempt. More fuel for him.

        I wasn’t actually targeted by him. He was a friend from high school who I called to have him visit my farm and see if he wanted to have sex. (It’s always about sex with me). When the sex dried up, so did the relationship. A blessing in disguise.

        Thank you for listening (reading).

        1. Joanne says:

          “You already are all that you can be, and you already have all that you will ever have.” Good line and so true. There is no growth to be made in a narcissist, and I know in the case of mine, there is nothing more (or very little) he will ever have. Approaching middle age, this is all he’s got and it’s nothing but a big empty hole.

          1. njfilly says:

            Yes, I agree. I hope you are no longer with him.

          2. Joanne says:

            We have been over for several months (hardly even began, tbf 😒).

      2. Joanne says:

        Definitely agree with a lot of your points. I guess I got swept up in the excitement and saw it as a vacation from reality. Although I never really wanted to leave my reality. I knew that it would be temporary with him, I just wasn’t expecting the “end” to come as harshly and abruptly as it did. I hate to think of myself as being bored, but you’re right in that we need to make ourselves excited/exciting. I feel a little lost in terms of how to do that.

        How old are you, if you don’t mind? You don’t have to answer but whenever you write you strike me as this young girl with an old soul floating about in NYC 😌

      3. blackunicorn123 says:

        Hi PSE, thanks for your reply. I think you are right about being bored – or dissatisfied – not happy……I know that was true of me. I had recently had a very bad argument with my husband, where he was totally derogatory about everything I did, and it absolutely knocked me backwards. I thought we were a team and what he said caused a huge shift in me and made me question everything about my life. I guess I was subconsciously looking for a pain killer. It certainly sniffed me out!!!…..only, it did as you say, and added to my pain. I can certainly see why people use drugs to make life bearable. Maybe I should have chosen that route instead, it would certainly have been easier!! X

    2. Joanne says:

      Yes I believe we do have some sense to detect things like that. I feel as if I can sense when someone’s energy has shifted. I think it has a lot to do with our keen attention to details. When we see even the slightest change in a pattern it is cause for us to examine things more closely. I’ve mentioned this to people and it’s been brushed off as “overthinking” or hyper sensitivity. But 9/10 I end up being on to something, and my intuition proves right. And I understand what you mean regarding it being greater than grief. I think it’s the “knowing before it happens,” puts us in a state of confusion before we are even fully aware of what’s happening. I’m rambling too, but I think I get what you’re saying 😊

      At times my memory is called back to those days, whether it’s the mention of a date range or I see a photo that was taken around that time – I feel so sad for the “me” that was going through that, and feeling that invisible shift.

      1. Cyn says:

        We do, then the kick in the stomach, the air sucked out from the lungs so the scream won’t come, the room spins. For me anyway.

      2. njfilly says:

        I agree with your comment about sensing energy shifts and trusting in your intuition, which is usually correct.

      3. blackunicorn123 says:

        Yes!!! Exactly that! I’ve been accused of hypersensitivity too, and 9/10 it comes to pass. We can sense it before it happens. We sort of know what’s coming, we just can’t see it in its entirety.

        I also experience the same things as in your second paragraph. I can’t believe it was “me” either sometimes. X

  6. Cyn says:

    I remember I got used to timing the various monthly hoovers and finally at 8 weeks I thought “whew! He must have finally latched on really well to someone! Poor thing I hope she gets smart sooner than I did.” Then a few days later there was a letter on my car. Then I moved house.

    1. cogra002 says:

      I think we can all relate to this one
      My opinion on this, is to take something like ativan. You’ll sleep well, the ruminating stops, and you’re highly unlikely to send text feelers or p

      1. cogra002 says:

        It sent before I finished. Anyway, you’re unlikely to call etc. I dont think the Narc has hardly ever had that from me.
        Its the best. Relax, watch your shows, read, for me music projects…. you’ll barely remember.
        Take as directed!!!

      2. Cyn says:

        I didn’t send feelers he did. I have kept no contact. Of course I’ve ruminated. Unfortunately sedatives make me horribly depressed for days after taking them.

    2. njfilly says:

      I also remember during the relationship timing the hoovers, which usually came at 4 weeks. I remember thinking possibly he was maturing and that things might change when the hoover came at 2 weeks. I didn’t realize it was a hoover. I didn’t know what was happening.

      1. Cyn says:

        It was after the second time I left that I learned about hoovers and started to track timelines and be more objective. It didn’t stop me from returning though. The final time I escaped though it became like watching a character in a movie because I had hit a point where there was so much damage I had detached emotionally. Not only in defense, but because of life practicalities at the same time that happened at the same time which had to be addressed and no one but me could do it; house being sold had to move, trying to move out of state so custody battle with other narc, storms so problem with house, natural disasters, illness. All within a few months. I compartmentalized and watched him flail incrementally as he lost control of me whilst he had IPSS moving into IPPS. I even had a mountain lion around to worry about so narc took back seat for a minute.

        1. njfilly says:

          Wow. Sorry for all that you had to endure. I hope things are better for you now.

  7. empath007 says:

    I am personally offended by the accuracy of this article 🤣 now if you’ll excuse me…. I will now toss and turn pretending like one day i’ll Sleep again.

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