Victim or Volunteer? Part Two




The devaluation. People often regard this as one complete stage that follows the glorious seduction of the golden period. It is in fact made up of two parts. First comes the stranger period. It is so called because to you it seems like you are dealing with somebody completely different to the person that you know and love. This is when the transition occurs between the seduction and the insidious abuse that is just around the corner. This stranger period should be regarded as the calm before the storm and if you are among the few who recognise it when it happens it is a clear signal to you to get out. Most do not of course recognise it. They perhaps see it as the relationship moving beyond the honeymoon period and since there is no horrible treatment per se, they do not realise that the stranger period (which is still a stark contrast to the golden period) is in actual fact a warning. The stranger period is at the beginning of the period of devaluation and is a clear marker that there are far worse times ahead.

You are unlikely to query this shift from golden period to the stranger period in any great detail. Should you have done so? Should you have paid greater attention to us (just as we always have demanded)? Should you have wondered why we did not answer your telephone call with the enthusiasm that we once did? Ought you to have questioned why we seemed less interested in doing things with you? Did you see it and put it down to us being tired? Maybe you just thought it was because we had had a rough day at work? You asked if we were okay and we assured you that we were, but there was no conviction in our responses. They were flat and other worldly but you did not press any further. Why not? Perhaps you should have done? Perhaps if you had done so you would have taken greater heed of what it was signifying or was it asking too much of you to realise that was coming? Nobody has any idea of what this stranger period signifies when they first encounter out so why would you be any different? Perhaps the view that you failed to heed this warning is a harsh one?

What then of the devaluation proper when the darkness descended and the abuse came? Of course it is the false default setting of our kind that everything is your fault. That is the way that we have been created. That is the way that we conduct ourselves in order to protect our fragility from criticism. We must project, blame-shift and remain unaccountable whilst ensuring that you are regarded as culpable, liable and blameworthy. It is part of the matrix of control that we deem necessary to apply against you. Yet, if one strips away this all to readily applied blame what then? Would the objective observer reach the conclusion of victim or volunteer? What do you think? Do not think that this is one of our standard exercises of attributing blame, I have already conceded that such blame-shifting is one of our key manipulations, but I am lifting that usual approach and posing the question as to whether during devaluation you might be regarded as a victim or volunteer?

The first time we doled out a silent treatment which lasted a day? Should you have known then what you were dealing with and distanced yourself? Is that unrealistic? What about when there was the second period of being frozen out? Or the third? Maybe not after those, after all, you dealt with them didn’t you? Perhaps you ought to have realised when we lost our temper with you? When those savage words and insults were shouted at you? That is emotional violence. That is abusive. Why did you not walk away then? You stayed. Could it then be argued you volunteered for more dressings down? How about when we began to gaslight you? We toyed with your reality, confusing and bewildering? Did you recognise what was going on? But you are clever, resourceful and independent, surely you knew what was happening? Besides, this was taking place alongside the shouting matches and the cold shoulders. Surely the alarm bells were ringing now weren’t they? Did you hear them and ignore them or did you just not hear them? What about the times we took your car without asking? Ate the food you had set aside? Stopped you sleeping properly by elbowing you all night? What about the repeated stopping out late and the flirtation with other women? Surely you noticed all of that, in fact we know you did, because we made sure you did so to enable us to get our precious fuel. So, you experienced all of this and you still stayed. Does that make you a volunteer as the abuse continued?

What about the first time we shoved you back during an argument? No? How about the second time when that shove sent you into a wall and you banged your head? No? Surely when that first slap stung your cheek, then you must have realised what was happening and yet you stayed after that. Does that make you no longer a victim but a volunteer instead? Of course nobody ever asks to be treated that way. You are not volunteers in that sense but given you realised that certain behaviours towards you were wrong, unpleasant and downright nasty, you obviously spotted them so why did you remain and allow yourself to be subjected to even more? You are your own person, surely, you should have realised and walked away? You might refer to not being able to because of money, housing, accommodation and children. Perhaps they are considerations but when pitted against your own safety and sanity, which should be protected first?

Accordingly, reflecting on all that happened to you, the repeated manipulative and abusive behaviours which were never isolated examples but rather repeated and increasing violations against you, could it be said that you were a victim or did you in fact volunteer by remaining in the firing line? I would welcome your observations.

Putting aside my usual blaming behaviours I would offer you this conclusion. To volunteer is to be able to exercise a degree of decision-making and control over your own person. You were never allowed that control. We took it.

12 thoughts on “Victim or Volunteer? Part Two

  1. kel2day says:

    We are victims. We are brainwashed to be addicted to the narcissist, and we are conditioned like Pavlov’s dog to react to them. We aren’t aware of this so we aren’t volunteering. At some point we had to try to figure out what was going on, that this just isn’t normal, and we googled and discovered narcissism, and learned that we’ve been scammed and then withdrew from further abuse, we did not volunteer for more.

    1. Kim e says:

      Unfortunately some of us have admittedly volunteered for this by staying after we knew the truth. Think what you might of us, but it is true and we do not hide the fact. ET can be a cruel master and some, myself at the top of the list, have a very hard time letting go even after the truth is know to us.

      1. kel2day says:

        Kim e

        I think it takes all of us time to ween ourselves off of them. It’s still a learning experience and letting reality sink in. It’s taken me a year to get to the point where I see it for what it is, but I’m probably still not safe around him. My mind is gullible, not conniving. To me volunteering is when you would rather have the abuse than go without, and if that’s what you mean, then I still understand. It’s a long journey getting across the emotional sea. The biggest life saver is learning to dump our own emotional thinking overboard, and that’s when land and freedom start coming into sight.

        1. Kim e says:

          We agree then on all points. Best of luck in your journey. My has just begun…again. But I feel better about it this time….says the empath who is in NC with ET still ahead of LT……LOL

          1. kel2day says:

            Kim e

            You have so much more experience this time around!! Thanks and happy wishes to you too.

  2. KellyD says:

    At first I was a victim because I didn’t know wth was going on with him, until my growing suspicions were confirmed by reading here. Still, I stupidly stayed, cycle after cycle. I was a volunteer at that point because I knew, but I didn’t want to apply what I knew.

  3. Joanne says:

    Still a volunteer. Although my circumstances were different, once I knew what he was I continued to engage, I remained there and tried to manage outcomes. I knew I could never actually see him again, I knew I wouldn’t let anything physical happen again, but I allowed the contact and the flirting and therefore my emotions remained tangled up in him and this mess. I voluntarily played in his game.

    1. MB says:

      Same Joanne. I was addicted and didn’t want to give up my drug of choice even after coming here. Even after the Narc Detector. I still miss the attention and I’d be toast if he hoovered in person.

      1. cogra002 says:

        The Narc heroin addiction is also my problem. Although silent treatment helped me detox. Now he’s back, but he didn’t get good fuel today. He would recognize today that he is about to get No Contact again, though.

      2. Joanne says:

        The addiction is just so hard to fight. I miss the attention in a way too, but after the “GP” ended, even though I was still engaging, it just never went back to the way it was. It seemed that he still wanted me, but the effort of seduction would never be that high again. So what was the point? Crumbs. I was gaining nothing but a momentary hit which wore off too quickly and left me feeling “on the back foot” as HG would say, and wildly frustrated. We are much better off now girl!

      3. empath007 says:

        Months ago I agreed with you on this. As in person I’d be in trouble too. But the time is approaching I’m going to see him for a work thing… and I’m feeling more ready.

  4. cogra002 says:

    I felt like I didn’t know WTF was going on. I didn’t know about gaslighting ( other than from my Narc father and sister, but didn’t have a term for it). I was completely confused and distraught at the time. I walked away several times during this phase, but the Narc outwilled me eventually.

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Victim or Volunteer – Part One